In a stunning development that has left the journalism world reeling, Jay put down his Heinekin, left the restaurant that specializes in animal penis recipes and went to a press conference. He even copied down some quotes correctly. Patrick Ryan (pictured right), Chairman of the Chicago 2016 bid for the Olympics, stood in the USA House, in front of a picturesque panorama of the Chicago skyline and answered questions about Chicago’s chances of landing the Olympics.
Jay didn’t ask any of these questions, of course, but we take our progress notes in baby steps when it comes to him*.
Most of the stuff was pretty softball. There was one funny question about bribing the IOC (based on Chicago’s legendary way of getting things done) that went completely over little Jay’s tiny head. But, for the most part, it was just some hometown cheerleading and a nice look at Mr. Ryan’s passion for amateur sports.
In other words, there was a whole lot of nothing there.
Jay, however, has been waffling about Chicago’s Olympic bid for quite some time. If we are going to do it we need to spend more than China’s measly 40 billion (yes, with a ‘b’) dollars (his* usual way of dealing with any issue) or we shouldn’t get it because the terrorists and crazy people will come to town. Not a lot of middle ground there, but we are talking about Jay, not normal people.
But why has Jay been fixated on this? Why should a man* who rarely sees the sports he* is writing* about care if the world’s largest athletic event comes to Chicago? The answer showed up in some basic research I was doing for today’s post. PATRICK RYAN posted a video update of his trip to Beijing on August 17, 2008. And there it was. Michael Phelps is a board member of Chicago 2016.
Which means that Chicago could be treated to 24/7 coverage of Phelps as he graces our beaches in his Speedo (TM) sponsored swim-wear, trains in our pools, tells little photo-opps (sorry, I meant ‘children’) to stay in school, orders his 10,000 calorie breakfast from room service and so on.
Simply put, this is Jay’s wet dream made flesh and he* can’t have his* city making him* look bad in front of his* dream date du jour.
In other words, you can expect a lot more of Jay’s stunning insights on the inner workings of an Olympic bid. Much like this;
I’ve written often that my major concerns are finances, transportation and venues. It’s safe to say the IOC has the same concerns, based on criticism of the local bid in an extensive report that ranked Chicago third of the four finalists—behind Tokyo and Madrid and ahead of crime-ridden Rio. As noted earlier this month when I visited Daley in the glittering Beijing subway, our L tracks are archaic and need a complete overhaul in the billions. Also, how do Olympic visitors get to some of the major sites? Are they really going to take the L, as currently constituted, to the United Center and the nearby swimming venue? Where is the public transportation to McCormick Place, home of athletic events and media centers?
Well, I can certainly help with that last bit of worry. CLICK HERE to get directions on Public Transportation from anywhere in the City to McCormick Place.
You’re welcome.
As to the rest, there is a lot more than just the ranking in play when the IOC makes its decisions or it wouldn’t be being held in China this year. Also, as Mr. Ryan noted on several occasions and in his press conference yesterday, the host city provides shuttle buses for the press and any authorized people who need them. So, no Jay, neither you nor any media member will be forced to take public transportation with the great unwashed.
TomD, a proud member of the profane proletariat, has already started a thread, so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!
Jay is in China. We know that because he brings us wonderful, penetrating, insights into the people and culture and .... oh, who am I kidding? What he brings us is the typical “Ugly American” view of foreign cultures while managing to avoid any real work. Which, come to think of it, is another “Ugly American” stereotype that permeates the world.
I’ve seen some oddities during my days and nights here: a talking golf cart, a Kung Fu exhibition at a chic nightclub, buses and cars that keep driving through crosswalks when pedestrians have the green light, animal penis on menus, an immovable donkey on a back road near the Great Wall, David Schwimmer and Billy Dec schmoozing up the mayor at a Chicago 2016 party and a Japanese judo coach who said this after his powerhouse team underachieved and won only two gold medals: “I have to bear the responsibility, and I think that I should slit my belly to apologize.”
Do you want to be the first to tell him or should I, that those Rocky Mountain Oysters he gets when out west are not actually seafood? Not even a land based relative of shellfish.
Ah, who cares? Clearly his mania with bestial genitalia knows no cultural bounds.
The rest of that non linear collection of random thoughts, glued together by a common lack of substance, would never have seen the light of day at any self respecting High School paper. In other words kids, don’t despair when you fail those “Ethics in Journalism” or “Basic Writing 101” classes, you can always work for the Sun Times.
We also find out, and by “find out” I mean “knew this already,” that Kobe Bryant is popular in China. It has nothing to do with the fact that the Chinese government only allows its citizens to see the NBA and State approved versions of athletes’ lives. It has nothing to do with a sport that is gaining popularity in a new land nor does it have anything to do with the kazillion dollars Nike spends in China promoting the NBA in general and Kobe in particular. No, it is because Yao Ming is too tall.
But nothing has been more shocking than the discovery that Kobe is a bigger sensation than Yao, the famed 7-6 giant who has hoisted China onto the world sports map and symbolized his nation’s basketball boom.
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After the Germany victory, he was the last one off the court and was serenaded by the audience. But at 7-6, how many people actually can relate to him here?
Yep, those tiny Chinese can’t fathom tall people. Even though Northern China - where Yao is from - boasts a wealth of tall people. Jay wouldn’t know that because, rather than talk to an actual Chinese person, he is still writing about animal penises on the menu.
There are journalists and authors who have written some incredible literature based on cultural observations and the humorous consequences of getting things wrong. Jay is not among them.
There is other stuff that Jay has already written about before. Not a long time ago, just last week. We already have a thread rocking in the forums, so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!
Given the power of his achievement, it’s paramount to all Americana, of course, that Phelps be free of steroids. He was asked a question that was timely, fair and, when you think about it, vitally necessary: How is it possible to dominate your sport in these cheating times without using performance-enhancing drugs? How can you assure the American people that you are real when Marion Jones, Justin Gatlin, Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and so many others were not? We want to think he’s a freak of nature. We want to think it’s about hard work and weight training. We want to laud participation in the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency’s ``Project Believe’’ program, in which premier athletes are tested at least 100 times yearly to prove they’re on the up and up. Is that being foolish? Or should we shelve our cynicism and let Phelps into our souls as a true American hero? - Penis Eating Dwarf
Before we explore the back page filth, let’s address what really matters.
Congratulations Michael Phelps. You accomplished an athletic endeavor without precedence. Your name will now be synonymous with the Olympic rings for eternity.
Email us your address. Of course we need to take a community vote, but your work in the Olympics might just have earned you a Jay the Joke t-shirt!
Seemingly, such sentiment is not satisfactory for Jay Mariotti. After boring his readers with redundant Phelps hysteria for the past few weeks, the hateful dwarf has already begun the process of casting unnecessary suspicion upon the athlete. Mainly, Jay not so subtly suggests Phelps cheated by using steroids.
Typical Jay. Build up an icon. And then proceed to tear him down.
Hey Cooke, does that really sell newspapers?
Of course, should Michael Phelps for whatever reason, fail a drug test today, tomorrow or 50 years from now, Mariotti will hail this as the end of the United States. After all, the tiny enemy of People’s Republic of China, is somehow convinced that Michael Phelps’ record breaking performance at the Olympics has erased Americans’ concerns over the economy. More specifically, the price of gas. Admittedly, I do bitch and moan about paying in the neighborhood of $4.00 per gallon. And this morning, I still do. Sorry Mike. Maybe 9 gold medals would’ve done the trick for a curmudgeon like myself.
By the way, Jay:
Netherlands - $6.48
Norway - 6.27
Italy - $5.96
Denmark - $5.93
Belgium - $5.91
Sweden - $5.80
United Kingdom - $5.79
Germany - $5.57
France - $5.54
In other words, we could have it worse. If only Michael Phelps could win a gold medal in every Olympic event. Perhaps world peace could be achieved with Venzeula’s consumer friendly $0.12/gallon going global.
It seems that Beijing’s smog (or “mist” if one actually listens to Rogge) has infected Jay’s brain. Tragically, the pissant’s past experiences seem to be intermingled with the Michael Phelps’ life story:
And he thought back to a grade-school English teacher who humiliated him. ``She said I’d never be successful,’’ he said. ``Things like that, I think back to. That’s why, when I saw my family, I started crying, my mother started crying and my sisters started crying.’’
No Jay, that was you. Not Michael Phelps. And it explains a hell of a lot.
By the way, it was probably stupid errors (see below) that led to such an honest evaluation of your.... uhhhh.... literacy brilliance:
Oh, it’s as real as the eight gold meals hanging regally around his neck. And I speak for America in thanking Phelps for letting us dream with him.
Eight gold meals?
Well of course, that should really read medals. Perhaps, Jay had penis cuisine on the mind.
Again.
And Jay, do us another small favor? Stop “speaking for America”. Remember, this is the land of the “Neanderthals”. After all, us Chicago simpletons really do enjoy supporting the Cubs, White Sox and Bears. Interesting that Jay seems hell bent on ridiculing the sports that predominate his back page prattling. Two weeks of watching men in speedos writhe in water does not make one more sophisticated over a football fan. Did Michael Cooke promise Mariotti to become the Sun-Times full time year round Olympic news correspondent?
Good luck to the US men’s basketball team. Now that Phelps is over and out with his swimming events, Kobe and gang get to inherit the scribbling stalker.
And Jay would love nothing more than to volunteer to witness Bryant provide a urine sample for drug testing.
Join our message board for further discussion on Jay’s dream of Phelps wearing rings of penises around his neck. And of course, do not forget to cast your vote on whether the swimmer deserves our official t-shirt.
Thick McRunfast took some time out of his busy morning to review today’s one handed typed ode to a wet, scantily clad, manly man who joined the pantheon of manly men, Michael “Squishy” Phelps. So, without further ado, read on;
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Thank God Michael Phelps won eight gold medals. Now all of us Americans can stop worrying about gas prices and finally believe in heroes again.
Err...wait. Gas prices are still high, and they’re not the only cause of worry in the United States. And well, Michael Phelps winning 8 gold medals isn’t something that inspires hero worship in me. It’s good enough for Jay though, and we get quite the queer article about Phelps. And by queer I mean odd (and also gay):
There he is, the audacious dreamer who dared to think big while smaller thinkers laughed at him, a dolphin daring to fulfill his promise in a futuristic pool far from home. There he is, Michael Phelps, not only the greatest of all Olympians but arguably the most dominant figure ever in sporting-kind.
Yes, how audacious for an athlete to want to be the best in his sport. Especially with everyone laughing at him. He’s like a dolphin, whatever the hell dolphins have to do with promises. And for ****’s sake, it’s not like there was a crowd full of people booing him.
Oh, it’s as real as the eight gold meals hanging regally around his neck. And I speak for America in thanking Phelps for letting us dream with him.
Jay’s right here. Michael Phelps, thanks for helping me fulfill my dream of watching someone else win eight gold medals.
Because you see, Michael Phelps is clearly, without question, the greatest Olympic athlete ever. Carl Lewis? Garbage. Jesse Owens? Overrated. Nadia Comaneci? Hack. Mark Spitz? Loser. No, Michael Phelps is on a whole other plane of existence, with Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, and Babe Ruth. Hell, nobody else is better than Phelps. Even though you can’t really compare from sport to sport, but hey, why let that stop the dwarf in crafting a love ode to Michael Phelps.
Michael Phelps never even came close to losing. Except those two times that he came close to losing. And he sure didn’t shoot himself in the foot in the 400m free relay, only to be saved by his teammates. No, Michael Phelps is perfect in every possible way.
And get this: He text messages people. Isn’t that super cool? It’s cool to talk about text messaging right? It’s this kind of insight about Phelps that really defines Mariotti as the premier journalist of our generation (really need a sarcasm smiley).
Oh, but there is a dark cloud on the horizon: steroids. Despite the fact that Phelps has never tested positive, is voluntarily tested, and that nearly nobody is suggesting he’s on steroids, well, that’s no reason not to imply steroid use.
See, steroids would be bad, because of how Phelps is a hero to all, including those “Neanderthal men normally can’t be pried from baseball and preseason football.” You know, those sports that Mariotti spends about an hour a week covering, despite it being his job.
Now, I’m glad Phelps won the 8 golds. It’s historic. But he did not look invincible in the pool. I really feel bad for him, now that Mariotti has him in his sights. Anyway we can warn Phelps before the dwarf unleashes his adoration upon Phelps?
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Thanks, Thick. The rest of you need to towel off and then CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!
I am guessing “Flipper Phelps” was already used somewhere. Jay “I never met something I couldn’t nickname stupidly” Mariotti is in Beijing and talking about his favorite penis. Oh, sorry, I meant “Olympic swimmer”. Michael “The Machine” Phelps.
Not that anyone is calling him that besides Jay, but there it is anyway.
During Jay’s trip we have the following first hand observations from him*; he* drinks Heinekin, he* has been to McDonalds (although he* does not claim to have eaten there), he* eats greens, has walked on the Great Wall and takes his* heart meds like a good little boy*.
The eagle eyed among you may have noticed that not one single item listed above has one damn thing to do with the Olympics. Or the athletes. Or, well, anything meaningful at even a rudimentary level.
After Jay takes the time to repeat that Phelps is steroid free, even though not one person has ever even whispered such an accusation in Phelps’ direction, we are then treated to a pile of bilge about how America needs Michael Phelps.
Why? Because he’ll take our minds off of gas prices.
Well, okay then. All is good in the land of plenty.
Oddly enough, Jay’s fellow ESPN cohort, Jim Rome, put things in a better perspective yesterday. He noted, correctly, that no one in America really gives a damn about swimming outside of the Olympic games. We cheer them, root for our country and then go back to watching baseball or football or anything but swimming. God help us all when Jim Rome makes the most sense on that diseased network.
Simply put, who can name the events that Mark Spitz won or competed in AFTER his Olympic records were set? No one. We know he won 7 golds in one Olympiad, and some people even know that he won 9 golds lifetime, but after that you couldn’t fill a corner bar with the number of people who can recite his career stats. I should note here that several sources, one of which I quoted in an earlier post, were in error. Spitz won 9, not 10, gold medals in his Olympic career. JTJ apologizes for being stupid.
In many cases you couldn’t fill a room with the number of people who know that there are swim events outside of the Olympics. There are, but very few people care.
The article* is filled with the usual, un-attributed, quotes given to the media pool, multiple uses of his* new nickname for Phelps and multiple claims that Phelps is steroid free. I liken the last item to the old, yellow journalism, standard; “When did you stop beating your wife, Senator?” So, now, an athlete with a stellar reputation has had the word steroids attached to his name 2 times and inferred to on several other occasions in the same article*.
As Tyrone noted yesterday, I have been traveling a bit. All I can say is that it is really good to be back and that I have learned that TSA stands for Those Satanic A**holes. New member, Harwood 518, has already started a very lucid thread on today’s subject, so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!