Well, guys, I guess this is it. Tonight is my final performance at a University of Illinois sporting event. I’ve been busting my freakin’ hump for over eighty years for this school and then they decide to just up and get rid of me. I guess slaughtering my people and stealing our land wasn’t enough for you.
Before I hand over my loincloth, there are a few things I’d like to say.
First, I’d like to thank the students and alumni who have supported me for so many years. My teepee doesn’t always protect me from the harsh winds rolling through these beautiful plains, but your kindness has left me feeling warm as I snuggle into my deerskin sleeping bag each night.
Secondly, I’d like to thank all the student-athletes I have encountered during the past eight decades. Nothing makes my feathers flutter like serving as a role model to the many young people that have come through this athletic program. I am just one man, and while I may not be a perfect role model (I told Jamar not to drive home – we were totally messed up!), I always try my best.
Finally, I would like to officially offer to NOT smoke my peace pipe with all the whiny, politically correct pansies who cost an honest man his job.. Do you know how hard it is for an Indian to find a job in this town? Yeah, yeah, I know, I can work at a casino, but I’m not very good at math. I am a dancer by nature, so my job prospects look bleak. Supposedly Chief Wheatgrass knows Justin Timberlake’s manager, but I doubt anything will come of it. So, yeah, thanks for looking out for me.
But no matter how tragically things have ended, I will always cherish you, dear friends. I’ll look back upon this time fondly, and I hope to see all of you at my final performance tonight.
Sincerely,
Chieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeef
This year was going to be different.
The Cubs locked up Aramis Ramirez and I barely raised an eyebrow.
They grabbed a high-profile manager with World Series cred in Lou Piniella. Still not buying it.
They gave Alfonso Soriano the keys to the Scrooge McDuck giant room-o-money and still I wasn’t going to let them get me.
After spending the bulk of my 26 years (or roughly 1/4 of the Cubs century of futility) as a Cubs fan, one would hope I had learned by now not to get my hopes up.
And there is so much to dislike about this team.
Their starting rotation is counting on heavy lifting from Ted Lilly and Jason Marquis. Great ... a flower and a Frenchman. I’m sure Albert Pujols is losing sleep at night.
Soriano, while extremely talented, is expected to play center field, a position he has never played. Also, he is leading off, which does not suit him either given his propensity to strike out constantly. These are not the question marks you want after a $136 million investment.
Derrek Lee never looked quite right after his wrist injury. I still remember watching Nomar Garciaparra never quite regain his stroke after breaking his wrist and given the Cubs’ luck I’m not convinced Lee will come back in his old MVP form, despite reports that he is “totally healed.”
Their second baseman, Mark DeRosa is a career utility man coming off an average year that somehow earned him $13 million from the Tribune Company. Calling their shortstop, Cezar Izturis, “light hitting” would be a compliment.
For a team that went on a freewheeling spending spree in the offseason, that’s a lot of holes. And I could go on.
In fact, I haven’t even mentioned Ryan Dempster’s epic self-destruction last season or the devious hot tub that attacked Kerry Wood.
And yet ...
Something about just seeing those first clips of pitchers and catchers working out in Mesa seems to get my foolish Cubbie optimism all fired up again.
I start reading all the experts pegging Rich Hill for a huge breakout year. I realize we have three guys in our lineup who could easily top 40 home runs. I notice that for once Mark Prior is battling for the 5th spot in the rotation, instead of being placed at the top while Cubdom keeps its fingers crossed that he doesn’t get mauled by tiger or get scurvy.
And then the what-ifs start.
What if Wade Miller and Prior both stay healthy and Hill breaks out? Then Lilly is the fifth starter and Marquis is a $7 million mop-up guy. And the Cubs have one of the best rotations in the league.
What if Soriano-Ramirez-Lee actually turns out to be as potent as it sounds?
What if Kerry Wood fights through his ThermaSpa nightmares and emerges as an elite set-up man?
I’ve been down this road so many times before. Deep down I know this team feels like one of those desperate Mets teams that would haphazardly throw $100 million onto the field every season with no real plan and then lose 95 games. It just doesn’t feel like a contender.
But still ... the “what ifs.”
Let’s face it. Spring is a time for unfounded hope and unbridled enthusiasm.
It’s not that logic and reason have no place in baseball. They are for June, when the Cubs are already 10 games out and we’re trying to figure out whether or not to trade Carlos Zambrano.
For now, I’m content to be willfully, blissfully ignorant about the Cubs’ chances. Let’s see ... 95 wins sounds about right.
Being a baseball fan in the offseason is great. If only those pesky “seasons” didn’t have to get in the way.
Great news, Chicagoland! It will continue to be safe to flip through the sports section of the Sun-Times without fear that Jay’s ugly mug will be staring back at you. The man has taken his second “extended vacation” in the past eight months! This time, we know in advance that he’ll be gone for over two months. From Phil Rosenthal’s column:
Jay Mariotti, who pops up in the paper almost as often as those naked kids in the “Love Is ...” comics, counted up his columns the other day and realized he’s already written more pieces than his contract requires him to deliver for the 12-month period ending April 30.
So rather than pound out another explanation for why things aren’t the way they ought to be, he intends to take a vacation--until May. So much for the Masters, the NCAA Final Four, baseball’s opening day and the first blown save of the season.
Not only am I rejoicing today, dear congregation, I’m crediting this site with helping drive Jay up the wall. He has obviously gone batshit crazy in the last year, and I think every one of us deserves a little bit of credit. So enjoy your day. Enjoy your spring. You’ve really made a difference.
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