Well, he’s baaaaaaack.  After surviving God’s attempt to take him out, Jay is back to being the same ol’ Jay we all love to hate: overly critical and misinformed.  But today, things take an unexpected twist.

The column is nothing new.  Jay’s hatred has been simmering for over a week without release in the form of an always-eloquent newspaper column.  The cheap shots he takes today are to be expected.  However, seeing as I am the world’s foremost expert on the enigma that is Jay Mariotti, I will dig deeper to show you the cause of anger in this column.

He starts in the first paragraph, calling it pathetic that:

...Intelligent human beings in this large, Olympics-seeking town still are obsessed with Mike Ditka.

Wow.  That’s a pretty serious shot at Da Coach, a fairly revered Chicago icon.  This might not seem like much, dear readers, but I ask you to look a little deeper.  I point you to this New York Times article from 1988, titled “Chicago Suffers Along With Ditka.” The article was written shortly after Iron Mike suffered a heart attack, and it detailed the affection and attention Ditka received from the people of this city while recovering from his ailment:

On television and in the local newspapers, the story of the coach’s chest pains and his recovery was treated in minute detail. Readers and viewers learned that Ditka spent his afternoon watching television game shows in a private room with a sliding glass door. The room was guarded by a husky employee of the hospital’s engineering department who was pressed temporarily into service as a bodyguard.

The author clearly understood why the people of Chicago were so enthralled:

Ditka and his team are the embodiment of a kind of mythical Chicago, a place that is both bare-knuckled and plain-spoken, a town that gets by on guts rather than finesse.

So to review, Ditka’s heart ailment had an entire city holding its breath, and Jay’s… well… I believe it was mentioned in the Sun-Times… maybe.  Yep, that’s why Jay is so bitter today, because he has finally realized that nobody gives a crap about him!  The vast majority of this city would breathe a sigh of relief if Jay decided he wasn’t able to write his column anymore. 

Ditka, the champion of blue-collar Chicago, still has hero status fourteen years after being fired by the Bears.  Jay, the supposedly well-educated sports columnist, is universally hated! 

Jay is jealous!

Don’t believe me?  Read this:

Why pay attention if Ditka still views Michael McCaskey as a weenie who consulted with Dave Wannstedt before firing Ditka for such sins as climbing into the stands after a fan while his trusty wife, Diana, hurled crushed paper cups at the taunter? Why has anyone given him a thought since Limp Ditka hawked Levitra?

“Why do you guys care so much about that mustached man?  Why don’t you appreciate me?”

You can almost see the tears welling up in Jay’s eyes. 

Editor’s Note:  Please don’t miss Matt’s stellar column below.  It was posted last night, before we knew Jay was coming back.

I’m so excited.

I’m so ... SCARED!

Yes, like Jessie Spano in that Saved By the Bell episode that inevitably comes up within three seconds of anyone mentioning the show, I’m about to lose control.

And I’m not sure I like it.

As much as I love the NFL, when it comes down to playoff time there is just too much waiting.  There’s so much time to break down the game that if you’re neurotic enough to consume all of it, like myself, you’ll wind up more confused than a teenage overachiever hooked on caffeine pills.

The home team has won the last two NFC Championships.  But a gimpy Shaun Alexander ran all over the Bears and now we have Reggie and Deuce coming to town.  On the other hand, they might not run as well on the natural grass.  But what about the fact that the Saints’ coach has the last name “Payton”?

You get the idea.

Anyway, I started out the week feeling good.  But as promised, the pessimism and terror have started to sink in.  Here are five reasons the Saints have me worried.

1) The Cinderalla Factor

Between the Saints tortured history and Hurricane Katrina ... well let’s just say Jerry Bruckheimer is already in talks with Matthew McConaughey and Taye Diggs to portray Drew Brees and Reggie Bush in “The Saints Go Marching In”, scheduled to begin production next year. The Red Sox and White Sox just ended huge droughts in baseball.  If a few breaks go their way early I can see the Saints just running away with it.  At least they have to come to Soldier Field.

2) Reggie Bush

He’s had some big games this year and had a ridiculous touchdown run against the Eagles.  But all in all he’s been a little under the radar for someone heralded as a cross between Barry Sanders and Gale Sayers.  I can’t shake the nagging feeling he has bad things in store for us…

3) Purdue Quarterbacks

Both teams have Purdue alums at the quarterback position.  Theirs is the NFC starter in the Pro Bowl and has an odd birthmark on his face.  Ours is a third stringer with a fondness for Jack Daniels and neck beards.

Advantage:  Saints.

Ok, Kyle Orton more than likely will not see the field except from behind a clipboard.  But Drew Brees has been awfully good this year and hasn’t shown a tendency to make stupid mistakes like Hasselbeck did last week and like certain other Bears quarterbacks have been known to make from time to time.  This is not the kind of offense you want to be facing when your defense has looked soft.

4) Mascots

I know Bears are ferocious yet majestic creatures of which their creator is surely quite proud.  But these are Saints we’re talking about.  If this game involves any sort of Hail Mary or Immaculate Reception, we’ll know the big man upstairs hung the Bears out to dry on behalf of his boys.

5) Marques Colston

I pondered grabbing this 7th round rookie juggernaut out of Wide Receiver U (Hofstra) off waivers in fantasy football.  My failure to do so has haunted me ever since.  Does anyone else find that players that haunt you in fantasy sports often find a way to haunt your actual team as well?  It’s like certain guys just have it out for you.  No one?  Just me?  I’ll stop talking now.

Don’t worry, by Sunday I’ll be brimming with confidence again.  Then if the Bears actually win, we all get a couple bonus weeks to torture ourselves even further.

I love this game.

So much for one-and-done.

In what feels like it’s becoming a monthly ritual, Rex Grossman silenced the doubters ... again ... when his back was against the wall ... again.  Hopefully we can all move past this and talk about more pressing issues.

For example, does Joe Buck actually take joy in rooting against Chicago teams, or do I just take it that way because I hate him?

Or ... did Troy Aikman really serve as the hand model for the “man hands” episode of Seinfeld?

Seriously though, it will be nice to have only two-thirds of this week’s Bears-related NFC Championship buildup center around Grossman, down from about 95 percent during this past week.

But that doesn’t mean he isn’t my number one in the first installment of “Five Reasons I Think the Bears Will Win Next Week.”

1) Rex-tacular

Rex Grossman got that first playoff win under his belt.  Sure, Rex’s evil twin could return at any time without warning.  But at least he is in hiding for now.  Although since Rex does seem to play his best when everyone is calling for his head, maybe Chicago should turn the “Bring In Griese” chants up to 11 this week just to keep him on his toes.

2) Sweet Home Chicago

I was beginning to dread the whole “home-field advantage and a bye week” package after having bungled that scenario twice against Philly and then Carolina.  Even if it wasn’t a dominant win, it was nice to see them get it done in front of the home crowd.  With one win out of the way, the Soldier Field faithful should be even more rabid next weekend.  Especially with those pansies from New Orleans coming in.  What experience do they have playing under difficult conditions or handling adversity?

(Okay ... maybe they know a thing or two about that.  But not about cold.  Allegedly it’s going to be about 30 next weekend, which is chilly but not exactly “Bear Weather.” How come no one talks about the erosion of the cold weather teams’ playoff advantages when discussing the ramifications of global warming.  Someone get me Al Gore on the line.)

3) Better Late Than Never

The defense was disturbingly shaky.  In the Mike Brown/Tommie Harris days, that game would have been over as soon as the Bears scored on the opening drive.  But they made every play they had to down the stretch, which could give them some swagger back for next week.  Don’t think Drew Rosenhaus isn’t going to replay Briggs’ huge fourth down tackle of Alexander about 500 times for Jerry Angelo during contract negotiations.

4) Pound That Rock

The numbers weren’t huge but they still ran the ball effectively against the Seahawks.  Jones and Benson seem to have settled into a nice rhythm with their respective roles.  I also have this hunch that Benson has a breakout type run coming where he blows up five tackles and scores.  Did anyone else think that play where Benson ran through five guys and turned a loss into a nice gain went a bit unnoticed by the announcing crew?  If that had been Shaun Alexander, Joe Buck would have run down onto the field and given him a congratulatory spanking.

5) Hype Springs Eternal

New Orleans will be the media darlings this week, and deservedly so.  Between all the Hurricane Katrina story lines, the rookie head coach, the new quarterback, their terrible record last year and their terrible history ... well let’s just say Chris Berman might get a little choked up during NFL Countdown next week.

Anyone in his right mind who isn’t a Bears fan would have to root for the Saints.  How could you not?  If the Saints were to win it all it would be a “Miracle On Ice” type story.  And not just because of Katrina.  The Saints are probably the most unappreciated star-crossed franchise in sports.  Try talking to a lifelong Saints fan sometime.  It’s heartbreaking.

But the silver lining in all this is it will allow the Bears to fly under the radar just a bit—if that’s even possible in today’s media cycle.  Still, the Bears will certainly be able to play the time-honored “no one is giving us any respect” card, which for whatever reason seems to get this team going.

Let’s hope it works one more time.

Stay tuned this week for “Five Reasons the Saints Scare Me.”

Dear Rex,

How are you?  I’m fine.  Not that you were wondering, or even know who I am.

Hopefully you aren’t reading this.  (I’d say the chances of that are strong to ... quite strong. Unless it turns out you’ve been “Tyrone” this whole time.  Which would be amazing.) But if you are reading this, it probably means you’ve been trolling through all the other babbling about you as the first playoff game against Seattle approaches.  Which is a bad idea.

Peter King of Sports Illustrated speculates we might try to trade you for Atlanta backup Matt Schaub (who probably isn’t going anywhere if my Madden franchise is any indication ... he is still their quarterback and it’s 2015).  ESPN’s Rachel Nichols, as you probably know, is busy knocking all the people playing armchair psychologist with you ... while she plays armchair psychologist with you.  And your antics have gotten Jay Mariotti so worked up he landed in the hospital.

Well, maybe you and Ozzie Guillen can fight it out over who had more to do with it.

You know the story.  We all do.  Sometimes you have been our Jim McMahon this year.  Other times you have been our Moses Moreno.

And there hasn’t been a whole lot of in between.

You’ve been booed at home.  More than once.  We Chicagoans have a nasty way of getting particularly hostile when our expectations get raised.  See:  2004 Cubs.

Still, you have a chance to bring something home only one other quarterback in Chicago history has brought home.

(That’s the Super Bowl.  Not the clap, which Steve Fuller famously brought home after an ill-advised 1986 night on the town.  Just kidding.  But not about the Super Bowl.)

Bring us shiny Mr. Lombardi and we are yours for life.  Mike Ditka is still making a killing off local ad revenue 20 years later.  Have you ever wanted to appear on a billboard for a local riverboat casino?  Now is your chance.

The funny thing is, the only way you’ll achieve such glory, including a possible erectile dysfunction product endorsement, is not thinking about it.

Forget that you’re three wins away from Chicago immortality.  Forget that Bill Murray is watching.  Forget that Mariotti will continue to use his lame “Rex the Wonder Bear” catchphrase, but no longer ironically.

Just know that most of us, the real fans, are behind you.

Remember the beginning of the season, before Arizona, when everyone was calling for Brian Griese and you went on a tear while we all watched the media scramble to swallow its own feet?  Wasn’t that fun?

Well, how about one more go at it?  This time you can quiet them for good.

In an effort to help ensure the successful recovery of Jay Mariotti, otherwise known as The Pride of Chicago ™, our fair city has planned a week of festivities guaranteed to get Jay back where we need him most: in the hard hitting pages of the Chicago Sun-Times.

Monday
Mayor Richard Daley will kick the week off with celebratory “get well” parade down Michigan Avenue.  Assuming enough hot air can be found, a giant Jay Mariotti balloon will be the highlight.
Tuesday
Michael Jordan will announce that his success in Chicago was mostly a result of Jay Mariotti’s unabashed candor.  He credits Jay’s willingness to “tell it like it is” for at least four of his championships.
Wednesday
Denis Savard will sit down with Jay and explain the sport of hockey to him.  One hour of intense learning will provide Jay all he needs to know in order to increase his number of negative, whining and only half-informed columns about hockey by 7-8%.
Thursday
The Sun-Times will announce that Jay Mariotti is their most accomplished columnist.  In tribute, they will rename the rear entrance (the one Jay regularly uses) “The Jay Mariotti Backdoor.” Roger Ebert, Richard Roeper and Susanna Homan will all keep their big mouths closed.
Friday
Kenny Williams will name Jay the batboy for the 2007 White Sox.  This will give Jay the opportunity to dress up like an actual player and feel like he is part of the team.  His animosity towards athletes will diminish significantly.
Saturday
Bars lining North Halsted will honor Jay by concocting and serving a specialty drink called the Mari-teeny.  Served in a short glass, the drink will have all the feminine appeal of a Cosmo, but also be at least 75% bitters.  Jay’s favorite song, “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” by Wham!, will be broadcast on a continuous loop.
Sunday
The Bears, specifically Rex Grossman, will purposefully tank their game against Seattle, thus providing Jay the opportunity to write “one-and-done” as many times as he wishes during the off season.  Later that evening, Lovie Smith will be fired.  This will provide Jay with everything he needs to write a column about how Virginia McCaskey is racist. 

Please join us for this weeklong celebration!