Tyrone and I both tried to get Urlacher to respond to today’s bile on this site. Sadly, he has a real life and was unable to participate. Oh well, we’ll just have to slog on without him (on this site, we still want him on the Bears).

Today’s column* is all about Urlacher’s contract negotiations. Well, at least that is what it was supposed to be about. However, Jay spends an inordinate amount of time whining about Urlacher’s fiancee. After noting that America is in a recession, we get this insightful look at life in the NFL.

Then you trot out your new fiancee, reality TV star Jenner Evans, a former Hawaiian Tropic bikini model and Miss Albuquerque. Jenner once appeared on Lifetime’s “Gay, Straight or Taken?”—a game show in which she wrongly thought the gay guy was the straight, available one. Oh, and then you openly debate whether Italy or Mexico would be the cooler vacation destination before Bourbonnais, assuming you don’t boycott training camp as well.

May I upchuck now or later?

Let’s review, shall we? The lovely Ms. Evans was unable to discern between the straight guy and the gay guy. Clearly, this is a skill honed to perfection by our squealing scribe so it is no wonder he* would find its lack to be a fault in others.

However, unless I missed something, Ms. Evans is not going to Halas Hall and trying to persuade Mr. Angelo and his staff. I should probably use a different pronoun there, but I’m too busy right now.

Later we find out that Urlacher is a thug. Not just any run of the mill thug either, but the number one thug in the NFL.

Chad Johnson, who somehow has replaced Pacman Jones as pro football’s most annoying pest, is demanding a trade because he wants to win. Urlacher, by comparison, looks worse.

Chad Jonson is a moron who said he wouldn’t play unless he was traded, so the Bengals are opening camp with someone else at his position and don’t have to pay him because he’s not there. Great negotiating skills there. Pacman Jones .... well, he has been involved in a shooting, extortion an so on. And Urlacher outranks these guys? How did that happen? Oh, that’s right, he has a hot fiancee.

But, before we get to her, we need to know that Urlacher is no Michael Jordan. Why do we need to know this, you rationally ask? Because .... umm .... you see .... well, ..... beats the heck out of me.

If Michael Jordan could play through an eight-year, $24 million deal—$3 million a year gets you a backup point guard these days—without a public peep, then Brian Urlacher should pipe down, prove he’s healthy and get his tail back to Chicago.

I have noted before that his* obsession with the male posterior is unnerving, at best. So, let us ignore Mr. Urlacher’s tail section and think about the comparison he* made. Well, there isn’t one really. NBA contracts are guaranteed, NFL ones are not. That little fact alone makes this less useful than comparing apples and truck tires. So, back to the object of Jay’s ire, Urlacher’s hottie.

That is assuming the Hawaiian Tropic girl can handle the weather. For the record, Evans lists “mullet haircuts and bad breath” as her “guy turnoffs” and likes guys with “beautiful eyes, good teeth, nice legs, intelligence and a sense of humor.” As contract dramas go, Urlacher may not fit the intelligence criterion, but then, I’m just writing a gossip column, to paraphrase Urlacher, and gossip columns are why he doesn’t talk to media members who don’t kiss his tail and party with him all hours.

Now that is a Jay paragraph! Meaningless pop culture reference that has absolutely nothing to do with any related topic, an insult to quality gossip columnists the world over, a sly note that Mr. Urlacher may be mentally challenged and fact deprived allegation that Urlacher spends all his free time partying with sycophants.

For those of you who are new to this, those sycophants would all be employees of the Chicago Tribune.

Yes, today’s drivel is sad. My only guess is that he’s* jealous that Ms. Evans has sole possession of that prime Urlacher booty. There is no other excuse that makes sense. Tyrone has already started a thread CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN

Blah, blah, blah. Chicago has an inferiority complex. Blah, blah, blah. Something about New York taking our women. Blah, blah, blah. Carlos Zambrano didn’t clock Lou Piniella for taking him out of the game. Blah, blah, blah. Something about the Pope not wearing the buried Ortiz jersey? Blah, blah, blah. I hate Ozzie Guillen, Kenny Williams and all of Cubdom. Blah, blah, blah. A real stale lyric reference from the The Who. Blah, blah, blah. Hank Steinbrenner has a big mouth like his father. Blah, blah, blah. Brian Cashman wants Joba Chamberlain to stay in the bullpen. Blah, blah, blah. The Yankees screwed up by not signing Johan Santana. Blah, blah, blah. The White Sox need to beat up the Yankees because A-Rod is injured. Blah, blah, blah. Ozzie Guillen quoted about not worrying who the White Sox play next. Blah, blah, blah. Carlos Zambrano isn’t worried either. Blah, blah, blah. Have I met my word quota yet? - Jay Mariotti

Really Jay, has it all come down to this?

So very sad. And quite pathetic.

Apparently, the back page pundit has a team of ghost writers to help provide the necessary filler to meet the Sun-Times word quota on sports columns.

And it is greatly suspected that this team consists of no mere humans. After all, that is asking a hell of a lot for anyone to work in unison with Mariotti. Effeminately programmed robots might be ideal and compatible to Jay’s personality but perhaps lack the necessary creative drive to stimulate reader interest.

Deductive logic concludes that manatees have been employed as his little helpers to cram such diverse and random topics all into one column. And these poor creatures must be tired indeed from all that excessive swimming and pushing “idea” balls from one end of the aquarium over to the other in order to sync with Jay’s notebook computer.

It is quite clear that Jay is in hell now, having to reluctantly accept that neither the White Sox or Cubs stink as he earlier predicted during spring training. No scenario could possibly be more discerning for Mariotti than his apocalyptic vision of a White Sox - Cubs World Series (kudos to long time JTJ contributor TomD for suggesting that should such an event occur, a pay per view special pre-game spectacle of the enraged pundit’s head exploding in high def is required) that no doubt might invoke another trip to cardiovascular care unit.

Right now, Jay is probably on his hands and knees and praying to Vinyl Ben that Ozzie Guillen unleash another “slander” against him. With both baseball teams currently playing extremely well, it is getting more and more difficult for him to scribe the customary negative rants and raves. It is clear that he is grasping at straw when resorting to bashing the visiting teams. A lashing from the White Sox manager would provide Mariotti another convenient excuse to scurry in the bunker and refuse to re-emerge until the start of the Bears season.

After all, we simply cannot wait for more of those “Bad” Rex/"Good" Rex tirades.

Welcome to Bizarro world! First off, let me state that there are very few things that challenge my perceptions of reality. Even fewer are the number of things that cause me to feel shocked. I have seen a midget porn re-enactment of an Old Testament story and yawned. But, today, Jay managed to catch me by surprise.

I’m not sure how this is possible, but several days have passed since Ozzie Guillen torched an umpire or infuriated a country. More impressively, we’ve gone entire weeks without Ken Williams complaining about a mysterious anti-White Sox bias or threatening to sue Jose Canseco. Which is precisely what I like about the Sox right now.

That was the statement that forced my croissant through my nose, right there. Jay goes on to rip Frank Thomas (hasn’t he been gone for a couple of years?) while continuing to laud Kenny Williams and the Sox organization. Sans Reisndorf. His* largess does have limits.

In 2005 Jay hopped on and off the Sox bandwagon so often that it needed new shocks. This year, he* seems intent on setting some sort of flip-flop record. Subsequent to, essentially, calling Kenny an idiot and Reinsdorf cheap, he* now notes that the Sox seem to be winning despite the fact that they didn’t do one thing he* demanded.

After picking Detroit to use its powerful line up to go wire to wire and win the World Series he* has now noticed that sometimes, just maybe mind you, a little pitching might be useful too.

The majority of the column* is just another hatchet job on Frank Thomas. He* has refined his* tired “Big Skirt” moniker into “Big Blurt,” but the rest is the same old same old. Although, I did think that “Thomas the whine engine” was a nice sop for the kids.

Mostly, this is Jay giving himself* room to say “I told you so” no matter the outcome. He* praises the team and then points out that it is only 18 games into the season (don’t get your hopes up). He* hammers on Thomas and then points out which teams should pick him up. He* is even kind enough to offer Frank some salary advice. He* quotes Kenny’s wish to win it all again and then points out that no one should count on a parade just yet. He* cites another writers’ work and claims the Cubs may have thrown a World Series before the “Black Sox” did. Why? I have no freaking idea. On and on it goes, with no real purpose or thought. However, it does end up with an unusual visual.

Smile, Ken. Do a handstand. The gods like you again.

I guess the thought of seeing Kenny ass end up was too tempting for him* to ignore. Anyway, TomD has already started a thread so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!

I really want to rip on Jay for this one. He* goes out of his* way this time to give me more than enough to work with. Out of date news items, bad pop culture references, sideways rips on the Sox and their fans. It’s all there. In fact, I was so thrilled at the prospect I ended my second sentence with a preposition. I try not to do that.

Like I said, I want to. But I can’t. Not yet.

While I, unlike Jay, refuse to tar and feather every Cubs’ fan with a broad and tainted brush, there is one fact that he* got right and it needs to be addressed. Until beaten about the head by fans and rational people alike, the Cubs allowed the sale of offensive memorabilia in a souvenir shop that they authorized to sell Cubs’ merchandise. Just across the street from the park.

Over the top hyperbole and unrelated incidents aside, the Cubs organization has shown slightly less cultural sensitivity than a Klan rally in a synagogue.

The Sox have had 2 Japanese players in recent years. They also had one, very funny, ad campaign that asked opposing batters to choose between Habanero and Wassabi. It managed to have fun WITH the players’ heritage without making fun of same. The Seattle Mariners signed Ichiro Suzuki and simply added sushi to their ballpark menu and went on with life. Overall, Japanese players have been welcomed by their teams and communities with open arms and have responded in kind.

So how did the Cubs get this so wrong so fast? From the Japanese battle flag (retired after WW II and offensive as hell to veterans) that they are still using in their ad campaign, to the erroneous translation on the placards they gave to fans, to this shirt, it all shows a stunning lack of knowledge about the world we live in. You can’t blame Sam Zell, Marty Brennaman or your weird Uncle Lester for this cock up. Really dumb things like this only come from institutionalized stupidity. The only thing they seem to have missed was the battle theme from “TORA! TORA! TORA!” And I would bet good money that it was discussed in a board meeting at least once.

Like I said, I really want to rip on Jay for this one. And, I guess I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t.

See, if Jay had stuck to the above point or near it or, oh hell, even in the same area code, this could have been a good article. But Jay wouldn’t be Jay if he* did that.

So, instead, we find out that all Cubs’ fans are knuckle dragging morons (again) and are then treated to today’s mandatory anal reference in the first paragraph.

But in truth, you’re just an assclown who could hit someone in the head, including a Cubs player.

And later, we get this;

… a blind belief that an entire universe revolves around their expensive butt space on the north side of Chicago, ...

I refuse to deal with the realities of the multiple hypotheses that he* puts forth today concerning fans injuring players. They rank with Newton Minnow’s hypothetical 10 year old that allowed censorship to rule the media for decades.

Instead, I will note that since Jay has discovered that the sports’ editorial staff is basically downing a bottle of Thunderbird and sleeping it off in the john every day, he* has really ramped up his* use of words that contain “ass” or references to same. In the last 2 weeks we have been treated to “asshole”, “assclown”, “ass” and more generic anal references than I care to count. Given his* propensity for lauding all things “rear entry” it is amazing his* wife got pregnant at all.

After stating that Jeff Brantley started the conversation about fans at Wrigley, he* immediately quotes Marty Brennaman. Really, I couldn’t make this up if I was drunk. He* brings up his* recent trip to Augusta National Golf Course for reasons that are patently unclear and then rips on Pinella for defending the Wrigley experience and manages to bring up William Ligue .... again. Note to normal people, Mr. Ligue got trashed at Wrigley and THEN went to Comiskey to become immortal. He was not, and is not, a Sox fan.

Even so, since any article by Jay must be about Jay we also get this bizarre, and probably false, view of how Jay likes to spend his* time at Wrigley.

I have no problem with booing, drinking a couple of beers and plunging into a rocking time. But lately—and brace yourselves—Wrigley has traded places with what suddenly is a kinder, more sedate ballpark.

In the name of William Ligue, would you believe U.S. Cellular Field has become saner than Cubdom?

My first thought is the same as FredSox’; “How would he* know?” But, all that aside, take a minute out of your busy day to CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!

Every time I see him in a TV ad, whether it’s the hilarious VitaminWater spot on a badminton court or the local spot filmed off Michigan Avenue, I cringe at the hypocrisy. Urlacher hasn’t hid his distaste for dealing with the media, yet he chases after every endorsement opportunity—all created by the media and our mostly glowing coverage of his play. Somewhere along the way, probably when public life clashed with his Paris Hilton dalliance and coverage of his child custody battles with a former exotic dancer, Urlacher started hating the media. But this is where a small-town guy from New Mexico still doesn’t get it. Miss Hilton can’t show up at a Bears game—on opening night at new Soldier Field, she literally was standing with sportswriters waiting for a restroom when another restroom malfunctioned—without Urlacher receiving swarms of attention. And what does he expect when he hooks up with Tyna Robertson, a known celebrity hound, and has a baby out of wedlock? What, the media are going to ignore it because he’s Brian Urlacher? Michael Jordan hasn’t been spared from damaging stories about his personal life. Same goes for Frank Thomas and other local sports stars. Seems Urlacher wants preferential treatment AND his VitaminWater commercials, which isn’t how it works, young man. - Jay Mariotti

After such a mean spirited hateful personal attack against an iconic athlete who has literally sacrificed his spine in order to represent Chicago and play for our Bears, is there one reason for any sports figure in this town to talk to the media unless Mariotti is first fired?

Yes, that is right. Fire Jay now or it is recommended that a widespread boycott commence.

How do you like them apples as a suggestion? Imagine going to the Cell or Wrigley Field every day to garner a sound byte from quote machines Ozzie and Lou, only to be repeatedly told, “No comment, go see my blog.”

Mariotti opines that the Bears should trade/cut/execute Brian Urlacher. Fine. Opinions are no different than exiting orifices in derrières. Everyone has one. Conveniently, the pundit fails to mention that Urlacher played injured most of last season, as evident to receiving surgery on the vertebrae in his neck immediately after the season ended. He risked a hell of a lot to try to help his team win and attempt make the playoffs. Brian Urlacher should not have to explain himself for last season’s performance considering every time he trotted on the field with a spinal injury while facing a potential consequence of residing in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

There has been a long standing feud between Mariotti and Urlacher which originates from the irritating pissant to repeatedly mention and post verbatim the linebacker’s text messages to the mother of his son. And the Sun-Times saw it fit to print these private messages as public fodder on the back page to make a cheap buck and help Jay meet his word quota.

Mariotti of course, has it completely wrong that Urlacher should expect this type of information appear consistently in the columns*. It only appears because he is “the famous” Brian Urlacher, otherwise it would never be printed. Without the media, Brian Urlacher is still a widely respected and renowned damn good football player. That he he earned on his own merit. Press clippings don’t help football players on the field. In contrast, jock sniffing parasites such as Mariotti absolutely need Brian Urlacher or else there would be no supposed requisite for braying ass sports columnists. Jay actually owes a huge note of gratitude towards Urlacher and others such as Ozzie Guillen that are ripped on a near daily basis. Otherwise, Mariotti would be spending his afternoons serving up spaghetti and meatballs rather than head bobbing before the ESPN cameras.

It is indeed so strange that the alleged columnist* should assume Urlacher demands “preferential treatment” considering Jay’s longstanding paranoia of anything critical of his* own childish scribbling drivel. At last check, Urlacher didn’t shut down his wikipedia biography or demand that the Bears “show more support” during moments of controversy.

And Jay, why the consistent attacks on small town cultures?  Anytime the name Hawk Harrelson appears on the back page, it is followed by “hillbilly”. And now we have the implication that Brian Urlacher is ignorant of the ways of the big city simply because he grew up in New Mexico.

Puhlease Jay. Surely, you are not forgetting that you hatched and “matured” in a Pittsburgh suburb? And if you are so urban hip and experienced on the mean streets of Chicago, then why on earth are you so afraid to enter a baseball clubhouse?

Today’s printed filth just reaffirms what we already knew about Jay Mariotti all along. Scrap any preconceived ill notion that the pundit is in anyway, shape or form, a legitimate and credible sports journalist. Mariotti is firmly entrenched in the realm of the Geraldo Riveras, Jerry Springers and Joan Rivers that pollute and tarnish today’s media culture along with contributing to the dumbing down of the populace.

Jay concludes the tirade with innuendo that Urlacher is a quitter on his teammates for not showing up to offseason pre-training camp stretching workouts (or whatever the hell these non-essential events are called). That is indeed hysterical. Especially from a mascara ruined tear streaming gnome who hid in a bunker until his* contract was revised and mercilessly extended.

Memo to reading sports figures: Now is the time to stand behind Brian Urlacher and demand the tyrant to be permanently exiled. A few weeks of “no comment” should send Jay off to Boise while restoring peace in the City of Broad Shoulders. Remember, it just might be your private matters appearing on the back page next.