Born in Ohio and raised by squirrels, The Chronek learned how to scrape together an existence off the radioactive slime on the Cuyahoga river. This has led to unnatural powers, such as largeness and an unhealthy obsession with Jello brand chocolate pudding.
With a propensity to find things with a sharp pointy stick, he became a gangster rap disciple, following such great artists as Vanilla Ice and the band formerly known as Nelson. He could be frequently seen in music videos, illustrating the rappers’ lyrics with said pointy stick and chocolate pudding. Sadly, his artistic integrity was compromised during the “Ice Ice Baby” video shoot, when Iceman insisted that The Chronek use vanilla pudding for his illustrations. Despite deep protests from the CPSOA (Chocolate Pudding Supporters Of America), the Chronek caved and used vanilla pudding after all.
The 90s were a turbulent time for the Chronek. Shunned by gangsters and pudding lovers, he took solace in the controversial lyrics of John Cougar Mellencamp and Snow. He attempted to re-enter the music video scene for the song that eventually became known as “Informer.” Sadly, the song started out with the title “Transformers,” and archival video footage clearly shows the Chronek illustrating a future Cybertron ruled by the godlike Bumblebee, once again using chocolate pudding. Snow, feeling their integrity would be violated by using chocolate pudding in their video, fired the Chronek, sending him hurtling toward obscurity yet again. “I lick yo’ boom boom now” remains the Chronek’s only intact contribution to the song.
Broke and on the edge of desperation, the Chronek pursued a college degree in philosophy and basket weaving, with a minor in javelin throwing. Impressed with his ability to create art using a pointy stick, classic rock legends Robert Plant and Jimmy Page commissioned the Chronek to create a series of new pudding-inspired album covers for their digitally remastered Led Zeppelin albums. Reinvigorated, he created an abstract, Picasso inspired set of paintings to be used for the Zeppelin reissues. Controversy struck the young artist again as the group POODOO (People Officially Opposed to the Display of Oblong Objects) protested what they believed to be an immoral display of chocolate pudding and baskets. Dogged by growing public anger, Plant and Page pulled the plug on the pudding-inspired basket series of album covers. Chronek’s original works have achieved an asking price of no less than $3.50 on the auction website Ebay.
Dejected, the Chronek resorted to a dull career of customer service to make ends meet. During an extended lunch break, his fortunes would change when he accidentally mixed his chocolate and vanilla pudding together. Much to his surprise, it tasted delicious. He soon campaigned major pudding companies to allow mixing pudding. Despite initial protests from CPSOA and VAPOR (VanillA Pudding Only. Really.), the controversy subsided and soon, America embraced pudding swirls. Chronek’s support for pudding integration led to all sorts of interesting dessert combinations, including tapioca and butterscotch, chocolate and vanilla, even rice and mango. Soon, he would be commissioned to draw a new set of pudding-inspired art, including the yet-to-be-seen new flag for the United Nations.
Chronek’s episode of Behind the Pudding remains the highest-rated program on the History Channel to this very day. He occasionally speaks on the benefits of pudding at local shoe stores. His CNN special “Pudding: Once divided, Now United” received 21 Emmy nominations. His autobiography “Chocolate Pudding, the Javelin and Me” reached # 4212 on the list of Amazon non-fiction bestsellers.
He resides in Chicago.