Did you know that Kerry Wood has spent some time on the DL in the past? Well, if you didn’t, Mr. Mariotti is pleased to remind you, over and over and over and over and over and over and over.
Today’s article is an overly dramatic weaving of the story of Kerry Wood. Did you know he’s been injured in the past?
Jay masterfully connects stories and facts that are I guess remotely related. Not related enough to have any real connection to each other, but related enough for everyone’s favorite F***tard to piece together this holocaust of literature.
But there he was Thursday, back at his second home. Twelve times now, Wood has lived on Disabled List Highway, and am I the only one creeped out by it? Shouldn’t there be concern over the karmic convergence of his latest DL excursion on a night when Steve Bartman rejected an easy $25,000 and—gulp—the Florida Marlins were in town? No, it isn’t just me. This is a Cubbie Occurrence, as Lou Piniella so aptly coined, the condition that has plagued the cause for at least 63 years now, if not 100.
First of all, yes Jay, you are the only one creeped out by it. No, there should be no concern. There is no karmic (do you even know what karma is?) convergence. It’s a blister, and it should be fine in less than 15 days. Oh, by the way, apparently Kerry Wood has been quite injury prone, in case you didn’t know.
And then we get treated to the lies, the attempts to induce worry in the hearts of Cubs fans, a reference to Ron Santo...sorry, Ronnie Santo that I don’t quite understand, and then the warning of further ill will. And that’s just one paragraph:
Not since Ringo Starr’s shriek after the Beatles’ “Helter Skelter” guitar riff—“I’VE GOT BLISTERS ON MY FINGERS!”—has a bubble of pus and bad skin caused so much consternation. Billy goat ... black cat ... Bartman ... blister? Even the alliteration applies. All season, as you know, I’ve emphasized calm and faith in Cubdom, advocating patience through the injuries of Alfonso Soriano and Carlos Zambrano and various other speed bumps. But when a mysterious killer blister interrupts the glorious comeback of Wood, who symbolizes impending Cubbie doom more than anyone but Ronnie Santo, you at least have to consider the murky possibilities.
By the way, Kerry Wood has had a lot of injuries during his career. Just wanted to tell you that.
Then there’s a paragraph that includes a few of Jay’s favorite things: Cream and Urine. Oh, and a Red Sox reference thrown in for good measure. Probably an attempt to drive the stake further into Cubs fans’ hearts.
Oh, and just when you think the mess that is this article can’t get worse, Jay delights the masses with more needless worry, unwarranted speculation, and the use of a gradual process as proof that Kerry Wood (who, incidentally, has had many health issues over the years. Didn’t know if you knew that) is in fact doomed. Oh, and also the suggest that Jim Hendry will be asking Kerry Wood to pee on his own hand. I don’t know if Jay realizes he’s supposed to keep his own fantasies and desires out of his columns, maybe someone should tell him.
Then Jay backtracks on his own love for Carlos Marmol.
Carlos Marmol was wobbly again in finishing out a 6-3 victory over the Marlins, walking the bases loaded in the ninth inning before striking out Wes Helms to end it. His recent vulnerablity suggests he lacks the gumption to be a pennant-race closer so early in his career.
It wasn’t that long ago when Jay Mariotti (and all of Cubs fans, if you believe the dwarf) was anointing Marmol as the savior that the Cubs needed in the closer role.
My sanity is starting to fail me as I realize that I’m approximately only halfway through this garbage.
Jay references Bartman once more, suggesting that Bartman is an idiot for not taking the $25,000. And then Jay once again suggests that Bartman is to blame for everything. He’s not Jay. Anyone with semblance of intelligence knows that.
And now Jay reassures us all:
Apparently, some things never change. Bartman’s in hiding, Wood’s on the DL, and Cubdom cringes.
Really emphasizing calm and faith, Jay.
I’m seeing weird shapes in my eyes and colors I didn’t know existed as I near the end of this debacle of journalism. More nicknames, because everything needs one, apparently:
Soriano Health Watch
Rich Harden Health Watch
Wood Blister Bazaar
Did you know Kerry Wood is injured? I didn’t.
And hey, someone in the Cubs section of the forum predicted this:
Jay wants Huston Street! and also Brian Fuentes!
You can all return from the euphoria those two names induce.
Apparently Jay doesn’t pay attention to minor league games, otherwise he’d know that Jeff Samardzija has been pitching since he graduated from Notre Dame. Thus, he was not last seen “catching passes from Brady Quinn.” I’m betting this is going to lead into a “Bears need Brady Quinn and I need some tissue and lotion” column soon.
Of course, Jay’s worry is sound and accurate, seeing as how the Cubs are incapable of winning without Kerry Wood.
Kerry Wood, by the way, has been on the DL a lot. A Little known fact.
If you want to read the manure that is Jay’s latest column you can find it here:
Diarrhea
