One thing I've heard a little too much of this week is that if the Bears win, it will only be because the Seahawks are missing Shaun Alexander. Now I respect Alexander, but after his pedestrian start this year, I don't think he would have been a game-changer against the Bears. And I should know, I grew up watching the greatest running back ever: So now, our first ever contest. Predict the score of the game on Sunday night. As a tiebreaker, predict the number of rushing yards that Chicago gives up. The winner gets a Jay the Joke t-shirt. Just don't predict that the Seahawks will come out on top: the contest only applies if the Bears win. I'm not going to mail something out after a loss.

Does anyone feel like Jay is a little too all-knowing in his "column" today? He is so confident that Terrell Owens wasn't suicidal that it almost comes off as *gasp* smug! He boldly writes:

This is nothing more than what Owens says it is.

Well, okay, Jay. It got me thinking - what gives Mariotti the confidence to start lecturing on something he can't be entirely positive of? That's when it hit me, and I promptly decided to organize "it" in a handy table: click table for bigger view Jay Mariotti is Chicago's very own Terrell Owens! Granted, he's a whiter, stubbier, less talented version, but he's a version nonetheless. And that's when I realized by simply changing the name Terrell Owens to Jay Mariotti, the Sun-Times will already have an article handy in case Jay is ever accused of trying to kill himself. For example, take:

Think about it: T.O. loves himself waaaaaaay too much...

and change it to:

Think about it: Jay loves himself waaaaaaay too much...

It's really that simple. Just as the people of Dallas are forced to deal with a man who once danced on the Cowboys' star, Chicago must endure the tiring columns of a man who is constantly speaking down to the entire city. This is providing me with a lot of clarity for a Thursday morning.

Despite Jay's constant negativity, there are people in the Chicago media who are genuinely excited about a team's success. Here are the highlights of the last few minutes of Sunday's game with audio from Jeff Joniak and Tom Thayer on WBBM radio. Editor's Note: I am posting this because I love the radio coverage of the Bears and wanted to share it with you.

This is the article Jay has been waiting to write all year. His evil nemesis on the Southside has been eliminated from the playoffs, and Jay is predictably giddy. This article doesn't even deserve close examination - it lacks any sort of insight or complexity - yet I will indulge, only because I know Jay will be checking in to see what we all think. Jay calls the Sox:

one of Chicago's most painful one-and-done crashes.

What is he even talking about? In the last four decades there have been exactly two "one-and-done" crashes. The '85 Bears and the '05 Sox. So yeah, I guess this does qualify, if only because the entry pool is shallow. Jay continues:

Yo, this isn't 2005 anymore, boss.

Wow, Jay, that's so 1990s hip-hop of you. Or maybe Tony Danza of you. I can't quite put my finger on it... But like all of his articles, this one does contain a point. A convoluted, laughable point derived by an outsider, but a point nonetheless.

It is just that kind of institutional arrogance -- or denial -- that took down the cause in a 30-39 second half.

Yes. The White Sox are arrogant. Not just a few players, but the entire institution. Anyone who has been to a game has seen it - the way A.J. flips his bat, the way Freddie pumps his fist, the way hot dog vendors scream out "Hot dogs!", even though there is a game going on. From top to bottom, arrogance. Jay, of course, is using this opportunity to take a few cheap shots at Ozzie, Kenny Williams and Jerry Reinsdorf. At this point, nobody takes him seriously, but he presses on. The most entertaining part of this hack-job article is when Jay writes that:

In fact, the Yankees are a fine reference point as what the Sox tried to be, only to fail miserably and return to their traditional woulda-could-shoulda berth in third place. The Yankees had many more injuries than the Sox, many more reasons to give up. But their manager, Joe Torre, showed Ozzie Guillen the meaning of maturity and couth under pressure... Most importantly, GM Brian Cashman made the midseason deal that put a wobbly contender over the top, acquiring Bobby Abreu and Cory Lidle at the deadline while Williams and Guillen were content to merely tweak.

First off, I'd like to apologize for subjecting you to so much continuous Mariotti. Secondly, I'd like to ask Jay why it is that he has no problem coming off this, well, stupid. How are the Yankees a fine reference point? Their payroll is twice what ours is. Sure, they made some midseason moves, but they also spend twice as much as the Sox do. They are able to buy players and not worry about their farm system. You can compare Joe Torre to Ozzie if you want, but they manage two entirely different teams with completely different styles. But should I really be surprised that Jay relates to an overpaid ball club that everyone despises? Jay goes on to whine about the Sox not signing Soriano, as if they were the only team interested. He completely ignores the fact that more than half a dozen teams wanted him, but the price was just too high. The problem with this column by Jay is that it shows his overall inability to see the big picture. The White Sox won the World Series last year, something for which their fans will be eternally grateful. Yeah, they didn't win this year, and that's disappointing, but it wasn't caused by something that a stubby "columnist" who hasn't spoken to anyone on the team all year can pinpoint. What Jay needs to learn is that people don't share his capacity for hatred in sports. He has a personal vendetta that he is trying to settle through an infinite number of angry and bitter columns. Ultimately, this only makes him look petty and immature. Jay should remember that some day he is going to die. He should evaluate what his legacy will be, and really contemplate whether it's worth the effort he puts into being the contemptible, inconsequential man that he is.

Is it possible? Did Jay actually make the long trip to Minnesota to take in the Bears game? More than that, did he actually venture down to the locker room and interview players? That's what he would have you believe, based on his column today. He starts things off with a dateline that conspicuously reads "Minneapolis." First, for those of you who didn't have the pleasure of writing for their high school's newspaper, let me give you a quick definition:

date‧line  /ˈdeɪtˌlaɪn noun, verb, -lined, -lin‧ing. –noun 1. a line giving the place of origin and usually the date of a news dispatch or the like.

So what Jay is essentially doing here is claiming that this story of his originates from Minneapolis. For Jay, this is an old trick, one he used to employ a lot more before he was tied down to the Sun-Times building every day for Around the Horn. He used to write a dateline that corresponded with the team or event he was covering, even though he was writing the article from Chicago. For example, on a Monday Jay would write an article about the Bulls playing the Knicks which would have the dateline "New York," and the next day he would write about the Blackhawks playing the Kings with a dateline of "Los Angeles." We all know that Jay wasn't flying cross-country. Jay then begins his rather pointless article (what is his point?) with an anecdote involving Tommie Harris. In it, Harris is asking about his wardrobe:

MINNEAPOLIS -- ''Do you want me to put on a tie?'' asked Tommie Harris, wielding a mean deodorant can by his locker while suggesting a unique fashion complement to his black tank-top T-shirt.

The point of this sentence is obviously to imply that Jay was down in the locker room. He mentions details, like Harris holding deodorant and wearing a "black tank-top T-shirt." (Ignore the fact that a tank-top is by definition not a T-shirt.) Ultimately, I have no proof that Mariotti wasn't in the locker room, though I highly doubt he was. But even if he did make the hike up to Minnesota I will rest assured that this website played a part in shaming him into doing his job. Or at least pretending like he is. And that, dear commenter, is where you come in. Can anyone prove that Mariotti wasn't in Minnesota yesterday? Did you run into him on the street? Did you see the footage of Harris asking about his tie on the news? Is that where Jay got the tidbit? Have you called the Vikings' press department to see if Mariotti was on hand? Show us your detective abilities.