When Wallace turned out to be his lone major pickup, while the likes of Garnett and Gasol are turning their new teams into title contenders, it’s the kind of blunder that sets back a franchise for years. Do note that Paxson was encouraged to sign Wallace by owner Jerry Reinsdorf, who too often is influenced by friends and, in this case, pushed the Big Ben envelope based on his long relationship with Wallace’s agent, Arn Tellem. At 72, Reinsdorf might want to think about selling his team to someone who knows that the ball is orange, round and pebbled. - Jay Mariotti
Once upon a time, a pint sized misguided dwarf professed his undying love, gratitude and devotion for a Chicago bound Ben Wallace. Endless yarns were spun regarding the newest Bull’s rippling chest muscles and ever so impressive body fat percentage. The back page of the Chicago Sun-Times was temporarily transformed from habitual ranting and raving over Ozzie Guillen’s potty mouth with swooning Shakespearean passages that would’ve caused even the cheesiest and most sexually depraved gay romance novelist to embarrassingly blush.
Big Ben equaled Big Love in the forlorn vivacious eyes of Jay Mariotti. All that was good, exciting and oh so damn right deliciously masochistic and masculine of the Chicago Bulls’ future began with Ben Wallace’s tempting afro and ended with the former Detroit bad boy’s rock hard ass.
Jay was in love with this man’s man from the Pistons.
Unconditionally.
And like all great romances, this unilateral sadistic affair has sadly and quite tragically ended.
Like a spurned Scotty J. having his advances rejected by the ever so cool and hip Dirk Diggler, Jay seems quite pissed over Ben Wallace’s impotent career as a Bull. And no different than a confused teenager being driven without a date to the Senior Prom by his sickened father, the back page pundit is lashing out at everyone involved in bringing Wallace to Chicago.
Hindsight is awfully comfortable and convenient while sitting in the bunker Laz-Y-Boy and watching the air hiss out of the beloved inflatable vinyl Ben, isn’t it Jay?
Today’s column* reeks the stench of a bitter “Dear John Ben” letter. And in typical Mariotti flip flop fashion, Paxson’s decision to sign Wallace is second guessed and criticized along with a haranguing over Jerry Reinsdorf’s age.
Last spring, the Bulls swept the Miami Heat and gave the Detroit Pistons a few headaches in the playoffs. Considering the team’s extended post season drought, such an accomplishment should not be now trivialized with slights. Nor should Wallace’s contributions towards the achievement. The Bulls were headed in the right direction. The future was bright. Or so we thought.
This season has been an uncontested disaster. And Paxson has begun the process of restructuring the team by trading Wallace to Cleveland. Life will continue to move forward. And the future of the team is not necessarily a perpetual black hole as prognosticated by Mariotti.
On Saturday night, the bunker’s silence will be deafening to the folks of Vernon Hills.
Maybe new White Sox arrival Nick Swisher can help fill the void left behind by Wallace.
Vinyl Ben, rest in peace.
Today, our favorite malignant dwarf heaves a mighty ho in the direction of the Bulls. Somewhere in his column* he anoints Jerry Colangelo as their next savior. You remember him, don’t you? He’s the fun guy who not only mortgaged the Arizona Diamondback’s future, he damn near bankrupted it. Then, with the gentle prodding of board members, he removed himself from ownership. Ostensibly to avoid estate taxes being levied on his family. However, the article* is unclear on whether Mr. Colangelo should replace Boylen, Paxon or Reinsdorf. Actually, it is just unclear.
So, instead of straining my tiny brain by attempting to make sense of it all, I thought I would write about baseball instead. I hope you don’t mind.
Two very distinct styles of baseball management are going to be on display this year in Chicago. Last year, Lou Pinella was trying to wrap his head around all things Cubbie and Ozzie was trying to wrap his hands around the throats of his bullpen. Neither manager was really able to put their stamp on last season.
This year, however, things seem to be different. On the North side, Lou has already exempted Aramis Ramirez, Alfonso Soriano Kerry Wood and Carlos Zambrano from regular workouts and has them participating in special drills to help ensure their health throughout the season. He has also stated that he will sit Derrek Lee more this season to preserve him for the post season. He also managed to get off his first malapropism of the season with this gem, “… one of the reasons you want to get off to a bad start is you can rest your team a whole lot easier.” Before Cubs’ fans start looking for straight razors, I am pretty sure he meant “fast start.” At least that is what PR Chief Peter Chase claimed. And who am I to doubt him? Clearly, though, the Cubs are developing a tier system for dealing with players. Studs on the one side, everyone else on the other. We’ll see in October how well that works out.
On the South side, America’s favorite asshole is trying a different approach. There are no exemptions from workouts, except for bona-fide medical reasons. He also has the veterans taking the rookies to dinner every night and has gotten several players to report early for camp. Either officially or not, many are already there. His focus on fundamentals borders on Japanese style baseball according to a friend of mine who has caught a couple practices (as a spectator, not a catcher). Pods Mach II, Jerry Owens, has said that he wants to steal 65 bases this season and then credited his mom for the inspiration. While I am not sure if he or Thome is going to drop the first “Aww shucks sir/mam ...” this year, I can guarantee it will happen before May 1st. But, whoever it is, they will do it from a team standpoint and not be talking about individual accomplishments.
Both styles have had success for other teams and there is no reason for either not to work here. With the media power of the Tribune behind the Cubs, maybe star power will give the remaining players something to rally around. Certainly Lou has proven capable of dealing with egos. On the South Side, with Ozzie threatening to be Ozzie in public, a team concept is the only way he can go. If he had to give one player special treatment over another his head would explode. Or the player’s would.
Yes, both teams have holes and very little time to address them. However, for the first time in a while, both teams also have clear identities. I don’t know if that will be enough, but I do know it is a heck of a lot more than they have had the last couple of years. Tell us what you think and why when you CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!
I’d say he was a human being. Now, he’s going to be an “asshole’’ again. - Jay Mariotti
One can only wonder what an insufferable daily ordeal it must be to share workspace and consistently lose out to Jay Mariotti for the back page of the Chicago Sun-Times.
Odds are that most of the other journalists at the Sun-Times who also cover Chicago’s sports scene actually do care about their chosen profession and ply their job respectfully. All that hard work and dedication routinely flushed down the toilet by an overzealous tabloid influenced editor who purposefully chooses Jay’s trash over credible hard work.
Seriously Rick and Chris, that must really suck balls.
Why is it that today’s dateline indicates no location? Is Mariotti in Mesa, Arizona or not? And if so, why is Oz on the mind instead of the Cubs?
So many questions with no rational answers. What a disgrace and unjustifiable expense to the corporate account.
Apparently the dwarf stumbled upon a rerun of South Park’s “It Hits the Fan” episode where heaven and earth shook when television executives were lampooned over exploiting the word “shit” (and ironically who is and who is not permitted to say “fag"). Jay must be quite proud of his accomplishment of “crossing the line” and exhibiting “gritty edginess” by typing “asshole” not once but twice!
Did someone just whisper Lisagor?
Mariotti apparently is in mid season form of ripping Guillen with a rather non flattering comparison to former Sox manager Terry Bevington. Somewhere out there in the swamps of New Jersey, a presumably now former minion with an affinity towards a particular cruciferous leafy green vegetable is bellowing over the betrayal of his master.
Once again, the pot calls the kettle black as the pundit accuses (again) Ozzie Guillen for being a “megalomaniac” while ranting and raving that the South Side’s manager’s “15 minutes expired two years ago.” Furthermore, Jay claims:
If he were a rapper, he’d be Vanilla Ice. If he were a trashy figure skater, he’d be Tonya Harding. If he were dead, he’d be Anna Nicole Smith.
Well, if he were a hateful vertically challenged flip-flopping raving idiot with a disturbingly enlarged head, he’d be Jay Mariotti. At least Ozzie Guillen has that going for him heading into the 2008 baseball season.
Recently, fans of literacy were completely befuddled when Jay cranked out 2 coherent, if not exactly groundbreaking, columns in a row. There were those up here who postulated that the columns were actually written by recently fired writers from the LA Times who needed the cash and didn’t want to think too much.
Enquiring minds will never know.
But, like all good monsters in bad films, Jay will not be denied a life in the public eye. Today Jay disagrees with Congressman Henry Waxman who claimed that the dog and pony show put on by Clemens, not to mention possible witness tampering, actually served no purpose.
Well, okay, then we must ask; what purpose did it serve? Was anything learned? No. Not really. Although the possible visual of Debbie Clemens’ naked behind was nice.
Was anyone benefitted? Again, no. MLB still has a problem, kids who emulate stars still don’t see it as a problem and absolutely no useful information dealing with these issues ever saw the light of day.
So far, here is what was accomplished: Roger Clemens threw his wife under a bus and claimed he was shot in the butt with a mix of Lidocaine and vitamin B-12. That is an ideal combination (locally numb and speeding) if you are going on your first gay date. Not so useful if you are trying to heal muscles or joints.
We learned that Brian McNamee is a former drug dealer. He did what former drug dealers always do when nabbed by the Feds: he sang like Pavoratti on a bender. But, as has been noted by Sen. Mitchell and others, he backed up that song with supplemental testimony from independent third parties and physical evidence.
All of that could have been a footnote in a real investigation. Instead we were treated to bizarrely partisan questioning and grandstanding. On the Republican side, I was taking bets as to who would be first to throw on kneepads and give Roger a “happy” to help ease his furrowed brow. On the Democratic side, I was clearly hoping to get invited to the impending ‘after party’ for McNamee where he was bringing the party favors. Except for Congresspersons Waxman and Norton, no one really looked all that good this time around.
However, Jay does manage to point something out today that will come as a shock to sports’ fans the world over: people still like baseball. Really. He noticed that in Spring Training. Boy, talk about getting a jump on the national media with that insight!
The rest is, well .... the rest. We get the usual rip on Jerry Reinsdorf, a slam on the Tribune and a complete disregard for history or facts. So, yeah, where ever he’s been, he’s back.
Tom D. has already started a thread so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!
Alas, all they saw was me, taking the only form of transportation the hotel could provide in taxi-dry Arizona. - Jay Mariotti
Evidently the streak for common sense appearing on the back page of the Chicago Sun-Times has abruptly ended after only two columns*.
Today (or is that tomorrow?), Jay Mariotti implies in the first three paragraphs that his entrance to the Cubs training camp via limo was bombarded with an overzealous media frenzy. Oh, puhleaze.....
It seems for the next little while, the dwarf will claim to “cover the scene” (isn’t that a house reporter’s duty?) during the Cubs spring training. God only knows why the Sun-Times elected its laziest and least reputable sports “journalist"* for this task. And one can only help but wonder how hard and furious Jay incessantly lobbied for such a prestigious Lisagor-bound assignment.
Or perhaps Mariotti is desperately seeking the affections of Sam Zell for job security and personal fetish fantasies that include the notorious Inez wedding dress hanging ever so prepared in his hotel closet?
Jay seems a little self-conscious today over the matter of taking a hotel town car to the Cubs camp. After all, he only spent a third of today’s self-serving filth detailing the horrific ordeal. It seems that the pundit was unable to find a taxi in Mesa. We’re here to rescue Jay in order to prevent another paparazzi scrum. Never say that those dreaded Internet creatures are not useful.
King Cab & Shuttle (480-981-0999)
Yellow Express Cab (480-217-5505)
Shadow Mexico (480-464-2988)
Mesa Metro (480-833-5155)
Safeway American Taxi (480-834-7233)
A Union Cab Co (480-303-9999)
Green Cabco (480-317-9999)
Cabco (480-777-7900)
A Taxicab & Transportation (480-668-8225)
Now Jay, pick up your pink cell phone and dial one of the above numbers. And don’t forget to leave a tip to the driver that is not in the form of change. After a few miles of driving your arse to the Cubs camp, it will be money well earned.