Kevin Cahoon and the Ghetto Cowboys
Continuing his* fascination with dolls Jay breaks out his, mint condition, Cinderella for the class. But, first we must play comparison/contrast because there is a price to pay before you can play with his* dolls.
Am I hallucinating? Is this some sort of basketball Pleasantville coming to life in an 80,000-seat football dome? Can a private liberal-arts school from down Mayberry R.F.D. way, where all 1,700 students have their clothes cleaned for free at the Lula Bell Houston Laundry, actually advance to the almighty Elite Eight behind a puberty-faced shooter rooted on by a bling-covered LeBron James?
In some sort of order; yes, you are probably hallucinating; Pleasantville was a cinematic allegory for institutionalized racism and a heavy handed one at that, so it is not a good fit here; it was good of you to read the brochure the school has on line, that must have taken 3 minutes of your important life and; last, calling someone “puberty faced” implies they have an acne problem, not that they are young looking.
But other than that, everything is perfect.
“He’s a very, very, very, very, very good basketball player,” the Vogue cover guy said of Stephen Curry ....
Ah yes, the ‘hip’ pop culture reference. Unfortunately for Jay, LeBron James’ photo shoot for Vogue has already been played to death in the media. Hell, even Richard Roeper wrote about it earlier this week and he doesn’t exactly cover the Cleveland basketball beat with any regularity. I guess it’s better than referencing his* dentist’s copy of People again. Maybe next week we can find out what Cosmo thinks of the NFL.
But, now it is time to focus on his* romantic notions and to justify his doll collection. So, we get this wistful look at his* latest addition;
.... cheered on Friday evening by hundreds of students whose tickets, bus fare and rooms were funded by the school’s Board of Trustees—why couldn’t I go to a college like that?—...
Well, for one thing, the men’s badminton team wouldn’t share a hotel with you, the girl’s team had a restraining order against you and, after that unfortunate incident with the glee club mascot, the only way you were getting a free bus ride would have been at the behest of other students’ family members and with the tacit approval of a South American government.
Continuing his gushing romance for rural America, Jay wanders into uncharted territory manages to insult the entire school population of Davidson University.
Maybe a prestigious school in the Carolina backwoods, which doesn’t allow loans so students graduate without debt and trusts them enough to let them take tests without monitors—why couldn’t I go to a college like that?—
Davidson North Carolina (memo to Jay, Carolina split into two territories in 1712 and became two separate states in 1729) is not in the backwoods of anywhere. Your continuing hatred of all things and people from the South is showing through here. Or did you think we missed your weekly references to hillbillies and your dismissal of Memphis as a cultural ghetto?
Davidson is a vibrant campus located very near Charlotte, is accessible by public transportation and is home to some of the best and brightest students around. Which is why you couldn’t go to a college like that. The school history would automatically eliminate the likes of you.
from the school website;
Davidson College is a liberal arts institution founded in 1837 by ministers of the Concord Presbytery. Its 1,700 students come from almost every state in the nation and many foreign countries. A highly selective admission process brings students who are proven scholars and leaders to a close campus community in the small town of Davidson, North Carolina.
Jay then continues to rid himself* of man crushes and replace them with boy crushes. I guess he* thinks if they are young enough they will like his* doll collection. He goes on and on and on and on and .... about how all college recruiters are morons for not signing this kid out of high school. I know it is pointless to insert a fact here, but despite the kid’s pedigree, he didn’t exactly look like Division 1-A material when he was 17. Has he grown and matured? Absolutely. Kids do that. Has he become a legitimate NBA prospect? You betcha. But that should all be a credit to the young Mr. Curry and not a slam on the schools who missed out,
Anyway, Jay wanders on and continues to lovingly stroke his Cinderella doll until he finishes with a note on how masculine Mr. Curry is. In order to keep your eyes from bleeding, I will just ignore that quote. Jay has already had a tough week. He got made fun of by the Tribune, got slammed by Charles Barkley and ripped by regular readers of the Sun Times until he whined loud enough to make the nasty proletariat go away.
No wonder he avoids people and plays with dolls.
TomD, who doesn’t own a doll collection, has already started a thread, so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!
Today, Teddy Greenstein called Jay Mariotti a “tough guy columnist.” While we are all convinced Teddy had his tongue so far into his cheek that his ears popped, our little Diva of Despair seems to have taken the moniker to heart.
Because today he demands, DE-FREAKING-MANDS, that MLB investigate A-Roid, sorry, Alex Rodriguez of the NY Yankees, for steroid use or abuse. And, today that whole screed makes perfect sense.
See, in 2001, Jay was the lone voice in the deep wilderness demanding that people leave Barry Bonds alone since he was a good family man, a clean baseball player and all around hero of the game. He* was the one who pointed out, on several occasions, that A-rod was not mentioned in the Mitchell report so A-Rod deserved our sympathy and respect. He* also avoided mentioning the wonderful relationship that A-Rod and Jeter had in the clubhouse, until their famous annulment, for reasons we can only speculate. My guess would be jealousy.
But, you can see the pattern here. He* stood on his little step stool and supported these fine men. And they let him* down. So, like the doll collection of a petulant 4 year old, they must be punished. They must be stripped of their frippery and forced to wear sackcloth and ashes. They must be humiliated. They must be publicly ridiculed and belittled. Since, as we all know, Hell hath no fury like a diva scorned.
And, due to Canseco’s story about Maggs in his new book, Mariotti even manages to get in his*, now obligatory, shots on Harreslon, Ozzie and all things Sox. Which begs one question; if the Sox are morons for having a player or 2 on the team that used steroids years before they were legally allowed to test, why are the Cubs geniuses for trying to sign an admitted steroid abuser? I don’t want to spend any more time on that thought, it just popped up.
Anyway, we get our usual dose of anal fascination. Today he* demands that MLB be “vigorously probed.” Really, you can’t make this stuff up. Nor would you want to. He* also claims that the lack of any formal investigation would be “un-American.” Of course, he* is the author of “guilty until proven innocent,” so you have to wonder what America he* is living in.
Basically, it is just sad to see the little man* bitch and moan over lost loves in such a public forum. It is the kind of stuff semi-rational people would leave in therapy.
TomD has already started a thread, so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!
Some days this is just too damn easy. You wake up, have a couple cups of coffee, half a pack of Newports (shaddup, I already know), pop open the morning paper and there it is. The perfect Mariotti column*. A stunning example of all his work lumped together in one, easy to read (even for 3rd graders) heaping pile of .... shaving cream.
We start with the obligatory, and nonsensical, pop culture reference.
Not since Lyle Lovett was dumped by Julia Roberts, I safely can say, has anyone whiffed on a Roberts like Hendry.
Last I checked, Lyle actually hooked up with his Roberts for a while. Had the Cubs signed and traded or lost Brian Roberts, the analogy (such as it is) would have worked. Here, however, it is just proof that Jay reads People magazines at his dentist’s office.
Then we get the list of all ills, real and marginally perceived, that Jay sees. At this point I should note that it is widely believed that Jay also sees pink talking squirrels, so take it for what it’s worth.
The Cubs still need a proven leadoff hitter, a veteran center fielder, at least one more starting pitcher and, for all we know, a healthy second baseman, a real shortstop and a closer who won’t break down like Humpty Dumpty.
Other than that Cubs fans, everything is fine.
Nevertheless, Jay has been very firm on his stance relative to the possible Roberts (Brian, not Julia) trade. You scoff? HAH! I scoff right back at you. I say that whether the Cut and Paste Queen has lambasted any team that would sign this lying piece of crap who tarnished the great game of baseball - OR - lauded the team that would take this sterling player who would be an asset to any real franchise, he* has used the following quote - verbatim - each time. That is consistency right there!
It’s not just him, of course; Orioles owner Peter Angelos, a very strange bird, loves Roberts like a son.
Even so, what is a high quality Mariotti column with out reference, veiled or overt, to anal sex? Today, the bestiality is just a bonus.
No one wants to deal with this again in July, only to see MacPhail stick it up the billy goat’s butt and deal Roberts to ... the White Sox, who also need a legitimate second baseman and leadoff hitter.
Ah yes, as we all know what the White Sox do or don’t need is the main topic of thought for every Cubs’ fan. That discussion ranks right up there with the amount of time Cubs’ fans spend talking about home root canal techniques.
But, since we all know Jay is right on top of all current events, we should not be surprised that he noticed this, whimsical, exchange between two friends which took place on February 25th. At least it was this year.
It started when Dempster predicted the Cubs will win the World Series, saying, “You believe it. You really do. Enough with all the b.s., the curse this, the curse that, the goat, the black cat, the 100 years.”
It prompted this from Millar: “I’m guaranteeing a 2008 World Series. Everybody else is, so I’m going on the record right now. We’re going to shock the world. I don’t know who Dempster is in Chicago, but if he thinks he’s going to win the World Series, he has to come through us first.”
He added, “I’m going deep off Ryan Dempster.”
Retorted Dempster: “Who’s Kevin Millar? It’s kind of hard to go deep off me if you’re wearing one in the ribs every time up. Who’s he, the cowboy-up guy, ooh, the big cowboy-up, ride that pony or whatever he does in his cowboy boots and his 1.5 Hummers? If he wants to do that, you tell him that I welcome the challenge. It’d be fun, mano-a-mano, facing each other. We play them this year, right?”
The Cubs host Baltimore in late June.
Brian Roberts, it appears, will be leading off and playing second
And, as always, he hedges his bet by making a wonderful blanket statement that can be interpreted multiple ways. You think I’m wrong? Quickly read the last sentence and tell me which team Brian Roberts will be leading off and playing second for.
TomD, who is nice to animals but in a socially acceptable way, has already started a thread, so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!
Well, the fun just never stops, does it? Yesterday, the Sun Times opened a response thread under Jay’s column*. And all of Jay’s fans .... well, there weren’t any. So, instead, the thread got filled with vitriol, abuse and so on. Much to no one’s surprise, the thread got ripped off line, but not before Mark K. from Arizona won a free Jay The Joke T-shirt. So, congratulations to him and I am sure that he will be sporting this prize on every occasion. As long as you keep it clean, it is acceptable to wear it at a bar mitzvah, all weddings and any reunions, including ones for schools you did not attend. But, check with family members before wearing it at funerals.
Yesterday Jay ripped on Cubs’ fans for being delusional morons. That won him friends all over the web. The Ted Lilly fan club immediately named him an enemy of their site. I am not sure if that accolade comes with a goody bag, but it’s nice to see they were paying attention.
Today, Jay rips on MLB for inconveniencing him and forcing Boston fans to watch a game without beer. He also claims that Europeans view baseball as a bastardized version of Cricket. Not true. Members of the British Commonwealth view baseball as a bastardized version of Rounders. The rest of Europe is essentially clueless as to what baseball is at any level.
Even so, baseball is making inroads there. I am the proud owner of a Dublin Black Sox jersey and my wife has their hat. There are also baseball teams in Israel. Quick memo to Jerry Reinsdorf, I see two really good promotional tie-ins for you here, and they would be insanely cheap to jump on.
Anyway, back on track, Jay spends the rest of his article bitching and moaning about how Opening Day has been ruined by the one game in Japan and goes on to point out that he is not a xenophobe. We are all thrilled that he got an intern to help him find that big word.
But, since Jay is Jay and if the story isn’t about Jay, it isn’t about anything, we get this bizarre closing couple of paragraphs.
I was on the Tokyo trip in 2000 when the Cubs opened against the Mets. I remember an exhibition in the suburbs ending in a rainstorm during evening rush hour, forcing Joe Girardi to organize a train ride into the city to avoid a four-hour bus ride. I remember Sammy Sosa taking a limo on his own, natch. I remember Mark Grace’s blond hair being fawned over by Japanese women. I remember a Cubs coach passing gas on the train. And I remember a Tribune beat writer, Teddy Greenstein, pleading with us to stay quiet about a snafu. Seems he was conferring with a Japanese writer on a daily basis, and after a lineup-card controversy involving opposing managers Don Baylor and Bobby Valentine, Greenstein told the writer that “Baylor had a heart attack.”
He didn’t mean it literally, of course, but the Japanese writer interpreted it that way. Next thing you knew, the writer was reporting that Baylor, indeed, had suffered a heart attack, with an accompanying headline to that effect in his local newspaper. The story had to be corrected, and my only thought on that March evening was:
What are we doing here?
Well, after reading that Teddy Greenstein got demoted to “beat writer” (sorry to hear about that, Teddy), that Jay was fixated on the functions of other men’s anuses even back then and that he somehow took two paragraphs to say absolutely nothing, I can only conclude with “What are you STILL doing here?”
Our favorite narcoleptic, TomD, has already started a thread so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!
Click on picture to see larger image.
I am not sure which rocket scientist at the Sun Times thought it would be fun to open Jay’s blog to comments, but we do want to thank them. If anyone was expecting a love fest they just got a very rude awakening. Anyway, our crack staff (as opposed to a crack addicted staff) is checking out each entry at the Sun Times and will award one lucky person a free Jay The Joke T-Shirt for the best one.
So, if you’re a winner, just let the admins know your size and mailing address and one will be shipped to you shortly. Good luck to each and every one of you!
Disclaimer: Void where prohibited. Members of the staffs of the Chicago Tribune, the Chicago Sun-Times, and Jay the Joke and their families are not only eligible, but encouraged to participate. Wash with like colors. Your mileage may vary. If you experience an erection lasting more than four days, call a press conference. Avoid drinking heavily while participating. May cause drowsiness.
Even if you’re not a winner, CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!