On an interstate highway, such a compilation of anger would be tantamount to road rage. What did Patrick say the other day about wanting to own a winery? Seems she’s already mastered a fine whine. - Jay Mariotti

One can only imagine the back page pundit’s stumbling about in a dazed and confused manner at the Indy 500 yesterday.

“Hey, where is Jean Girard?”

“Wrong sport idiot.”

The Cubs were in Pittsburgh over the weekend. Evidently the family reunion will have to postponed for yet another year. The disappointment must be devastating. After all, PNC Park and Butler are only about 200 yards and a few rock gardens apart.

Jay seems very concerned about Danica Patrick’s psyche. It is entirely unladylike for her to demand the very best from her car, pit crew, the sponsors and above all else - herself. All this uber-competitive win at all costs attitude is alarming to him. That type of mentality should be reserved only for Michael Jordan. It seems somebody is in serious need of attending The Jay Mariotti Finishing School for Young Ladies.

Danica challenged a rival? Oh what nerve. Who does she think she is? A professional race car driver? Jay seems torn on this “crisis”. Even though it is entirely inappropriate for prim and proper Miss Patrick to incite potential fisticuffs with a competitor, the pissant would have really benefited from learning a few pointers of kicking a man between the goal posts. Just might come in handy one day if the silver fiat’s GPS ever found its way to US Cellular Field.

Puritan Jay is also aghast over Danica’s bikini SI pictorial:

She claims to be “pretty girly’’ in her down time, whether it’s collecting shoes like Imelda Marcos or posing for Sports Illustrated in a white string bikini that would make a stripper blush.

Please look at the picture above (now it is entirely justified to be placed gratuitously on this front page). Are strippers really blushing? Mariotti, put away the scarlet letter branding iron poker. Jean Girard shouldn’t be the only driver permitted to be photographed wearing a bikini bottom.

And remember Danica, “if you ain’t first, you’re last!” Ricky Bobby salutes you, even if you are not in NASCAR.

Yet.

Happy Memorial Day.

Now comes a report that he was driving 77 mph in a 45-mph construction zone last month on the Edens Expy. Rather than crack wise about wishing Benson would run half that fast in a Bears uniform, we should be alarmed by his foolish disregard for a dangerous stretch of under-repair highway at 3 a.m., also known at Halas Hall as Lance Briggs Standard Time. I’m not sure if road workers were employed that late. But as one who drives the Edens every day, I know how narrow and bumpy it is and that Ced should have his brain scoped for playing Speed Racer in his 2005 BMW through the orange signposts. - Jay Mariotti

Cedric Benson is a terrible human being that should have his career terminated because he committed the heinous crime of speeding?  Apparently so sayeth Pope Jay I.

The back page pissant is enraged at the world again. Evidently this long weekend is not a happy one in the Mariotti household. Rather than enjoy a little rest and relaxation with his merry clan, the loathed bunker troll decided to wage war with Halas Hall over the future of a very beleaguered running back. For many of us, it is rather surprising that this speeding incident is somehow not a damning indictment against Jerry Reinsdorf but there is always Monday for that connotation to spatter upon the back page.

However, it appears that the wicked Sorcerer’s crystal ball forecasts even greater doom and gloom for Cedric:

The Benson debacle has reached point zero, after all, plunging into an abyss that cannot produce a happy ending.

Reached point zero? For speeding? Plunged into an abyss? Because of that boating incident?

We must be missing something here. Surely a sentence was accidentally deleted by the editor that contained the phrase “and robbed a liquor store at gun point”?

In a nutshell, this speeding ticket represents the last straw for Benson’s career as a Chicago Bear. Cut him now or Mariotti will unleash hell!

Okey-dokey Jay. So be it.

The Internet can be a real bitch for raving mad tyrannical hypocrites. Articles long forgotten can now be recalled within a fraction of a second. Many thanks to Google indeed.

And this is the column that should haunt the dwarf in the years to follow:

It might shock you, but I own a Limp Bizkit CD. I drive a silver sports car and recently revved it to 110 on a Chicago expressway. I notice tanned women in thongs as much as any other guy. I sometimes buy stuff at Banana Republic.

I am 40 and legitimately cool, not dysfunctionally influenced like the Kevin Spacey creep in American Beauty. Point is, I’m not some crusty fuddy-duddy unwilling to try new life experiences, which is why I have a certain hip credibility when it comes to 18-to-34 demographical experiments such as the XFL.

The author is of course Jay himself. The year was 2001. And it appeared in a diatribe slamming the XFL (well you got us there, it did stink) in the May 21st edition of The Sporting News.

Gotta hate FindArticles.com, huh Lord Voldemort?

So let’s get this straight. In his own writing, Mariotti confesses his coolness by driving his car on perhaps the very same expressway (after all he proclaims he drives it everyday) at least 33 miles per hour faster than the condemned Cedric?

Evidently in Mary Otti-ville, there are rules for some. And then there are rules for others.  Perhaps Jay has now earned the distinction of being named an honorary Deputy in Texas.

Oh and be sure that the minions will defend their beast master by justifying the glaring double standard that Jay doesn’t also boat with bikini babes in hostile southern lakes. Or that he doesn’t let’er rip on the interstate at night because he is already snug and safe in his northern Chicago suburban bunker.

Yeah sure, completely different scenarios altogether.

Now go prove to this City of Broad Shoulders that you do indeed possess your daddy’s much ballyhooed courage of conviction and resign effective immediately from your post as a Sun-Times columnist. After all, the punishment for speeding by your law is taking away one’s ability to earn a living.

And one final point Jay. Limp Bizkit was never cool nor hip. Not even in 2001.

It’s not breaking news that Jerry Reinsdorf is a bitter, old, vindictive man. - Jay Mariotti

And that above sentence, our friends, is evidently the kind of objective journalism appropriate to grace the back page for the Chicago Sun-Times.

This didn’t just appear in the middle of another Jay Mariotti mumbo jumbo tirade. Oh hell no. It was the opening sentence for the column*.

How sad. So many trees sacrificed for this trite garbage. Obviously the alleged columnist* has nothing better to do on this family oriented long weekend other then unleash more hatred towards his arch enemy, Jerry Reinsdorf.

Accurately noted and observed by astute Jay the Joke members on last night’s thread, Mariotti’s rant is nothing more than an annoying “he said, she said” tyrannical babble of a half hazard mishmash of misconstrued quotations and allegations culled from radio shows, out of town non-cited sources and innuendo to simply paint Reinsdorf in the worst light possible.

In other words, Jay is in the full time business of running a hate column*. How ironic, especially after appearing on Costas’ HBO special, defending the virtues of responsible journalism and radio programming.

During a local radio broadcast yesterday, the Bulls owner is quoted:

“The Knicks told him they loved him, and they rushed him like you rush for a fraternity, and we hadn’t made up our minds,’’ Reinsdorf said. “Is that indecisive? It may be, but this is a pretty important hire. This is a very important hire, particularly the way the lottery worked out. I think it’s only appropriate that we take our time.’’

This is Jerry Reinsdorf’s account of the non-hiring of Mike D’Antoni (in past context) along with a little rationale on how it is important for the team (in present context) to select an ideal head coach with now knowing that his organization has garnered the top pick in the Derrick Rose sweepstakes. Some may agree with this point of view. Others will not. Fair enough.

However, Mariotti deliberately misrepresents and warps Reinsdorf’s comments:

Oh, to be a lawyer in a courtroom shooting down his flawed points. At the time of the D’Antoni talks, the Bulls had no idea they would overcome a 1.7-percent chance and win the NBA draft lottery. How could Reinsdorf possibly use that as an argument for taking his time on D’Antoni? Allow me to counter his tortured revisionist history.

Earth to Jay: Reinsdorf didn’t commit this supposed heresy. He was simply answering a question honestly about being hesitant over hiring Mike D’Antoni. After all, the man is the owner and writes the paychecks. That is his right to express an opinion on the matter. And all Reinsdorf did was follow up with a rather logical assertion that it was important for the Bulls to select the right coach, especially after now securing the top pick in the draft. This wasn’t an attempt to rewrite any time line whatsoever. It is obvious. And you know it.

Has it really come down to these type of cheap tactics for the back page pissant to wage war against Jerry Reinsdorf? The answer is obviously yes and it is painfully aware that Mariotti is so out of gas on this great crusade that these type of trash tabloid junk pieces are even bothered scribed, let alone published by a major media outlet.

Here is some free advice for Jay to contemplate over this weekend. If unearthing the truth over that White Sox scouting flap in Latin America isn’t your cup of tea, then go seek your latest man-love interest Mike D’Antoni. Sit down with the man (just not on his lap) and get his take on this Bulls coaching “crisis” and recollection of being interviewed by Jerry Reinsdorf. Some actual investigative reporting might just remotely add a little credibility to your agenda of destroying the Chairman. If anything, you scurrying out of town would provide a little piece and quiet for once.

First off, I want to thank Tyrone for taking care of the front page in my absence and keeping some of our more rambunctious members from hot-linking this page to Russian porn sites. Above and beyond all that, he managed to crank out some high caliber front page stuff that was rooted in reality and fact. Unlike our favorite malignant dwarf.

Today Jay finally admits that he is not suffering from a terminal form of ADD and instead has these little people in his head who tell him what is going on, when it happened and how to dress for success ala Ms. Piggy. You see, when Jay slams a team, or a person, or a concept, or a random quantum variable of the time/space continuum, he always, and I mean ALWAYS, prefaces it with a first person pronoun. “I say this, ...”, “I saw that ....”, “I am smarter than you and them combined ....” and so on. However, when any of his* ‘throw it on the wall’ schtick doesn’t actually stick, then it is ALWAYS “We were wrong ....”

“We”? And who would this “we” be? Would that “we” be Sox fans? Probably not, since a pleasant majority of them loathe Mariotti and are knowledgeable baseball fans. Memo to readers, that is not a rip on Cubs fans who are also pretty astute. It is just that today’s bile deals with the Sox. Okay, back to the blog.

Would that “we” be his* fellow members of the media? Again, probably not, since of the ones that we have met over the last two years seem to think he* is a complete tool. Granted, that sampling is not a triple digit total (yet) but it is pretty darn close.

Could that “we” be the racist morons who spew bile on other sports blogs just to spew? Possibly. But, since they can’t really write, I doubt they can read and they really don’t need justification for their hatred anyway. They just hate.

So, who is this “we” of which he* speaks? Clearly it is the little pink monsters eating away at his* minuscule cerebellum. Each vying for his* tottering attention. One week telling him* that Ozzie and Kenny are evil and stupid and that Jerry Reinsdorf is living in his* desk. The next telling him* what geniuses they all are. Well, except for Jerry who gets mentioned not at all today. Obviously dependant on his* mood, what he* had for breakfast, how loud his* Backstreet Boys’ ringtone is and other viable (for him*) factors, what determines which little voice gets to come to the fore is a bit random.

But, no matter which opinion he* decides to hold that day, he* always caveats it with one of those wonderful backhanded compliments. You know the kind I mean. Like the mean kid in school, “Oh no silly, those pants don’t make you look tooo fat.”

He* has, oh joy, discovered the word “yack” today. Which is fitting since that is what his* writing skills make us do. He* points out the Sox are in first place and then belittles every other team in the AL Central. As though it is somehow the Sox fault that the Tigers and the Indians have not lived up to his* expectations. He claims that the Sox are hitting and pitching better because of Ozzie. Umm, okay, if he* says so. Then he* wanders into Dollgate again. I am beginning to wonder if he* is jealous that the Sox have better blow up dolls than he* does? It sure seems like it.

Suffice it to say that in his* world 1+1=14.6379002. So, take it all for what it’s worth, which ain’t a whole hell of a lot.

All around nice guy, Hino - whose name does not rhyme with Beano (a fact I mention for no apparent reason) - has already started a thread, so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!

No man with ample credentials is taking a job without having input on a Rose-Beasley call. It makes him nothing more than the puppet for a GM who, in some ways, is the puppet of an owner. - Jay Mariotti

Jay Mariotti must be the love child of Mike D’Antoni.

Or maybe it is the other way around.

Whatever the case, it is high time for the hateful dwarf to get over his heartbreak and accept that D’Antoni will be coaching the New York Knicks next season.

Leave it to Jay to manufacture another Reinsdorf centralized crisis concerning the Chicago Bulls by applying a hyperventilating spin that the John Paxson may draft Beasley over Rose and have the audacity of bothering to interview candidates for the vacated coaching position.

How dare Paxson to check credentials. In Mary Otti-ville, just throwing money at the highest profile mercenary coach on the market is all that is required.

Jay is really experiencing separation anxiety over D’Antoni. And leave it to the pundit to frame a sympathetic overture to the Knicks latest head coach soon to wear a straight jacket:

And not to spoil anyone’s day, but the pairing of Rose with D’Antoni would have melted the West Side snow. Did you catch D’Antoni’s look in the NBA studios after the Bulls won the top pick? He coveted Rose, calling him “Jason Kidd with a jumpshot.”

If D’Antoni is actually that infatuated with the point guard then perhaps it would’ve been more prudent for the coach to wait until after the draft (or at least until the lottery was conducted) to sign with a team. But then again, those 24 million clams should help him get over the depression of not coaching Rose.

It is also ludicrous for Jay to prattle off previous Bulls draft picks to which had nothing to do with John Paxson in a paragraph that begins by bashing the GM as a terrible talent evaluator for drafting Tyrus Thomas. Mariotti twists the knife a little deeper by declaring Jay Williams a bad pick as apparently it was the Bulls fault that their crystal ball was broken for not having the foresight to predict that career ending motorcycle accident.

It is an old standby for Jay to berate a Chicago sports team during its hiring process of a new head coach. Don’t forget that it was Mariotti who bickered over the Bears refusing to give in to Nick Saban’s contract demands and control issues and to boldly declare that “a man named Lovie cannot coach the world-famous Chicago Bears any more than a Mike Ditka knockoff can coach the world-famous Chicago Bears.”

Apparently, Jay is not a fan of fair hiring practices or conducting interviews.

Too bad for Dwane Casey ("previously fired retread” but isn’t Mike D’Antoni as well?) and “unproven candidates” Tyrone Corbin, Jeff Hornacek and Chuck Person. Let’s just roll out the red carpet and open the vault for either Avery Johnson or Jeff Van Gundy without nary an inquiry?

Don’t eat too much raw red meat over the long weekend, Jay. The agony of stressing out over this Bulls “crisis” along with that clogged heart of yours just might be a little too much to bear.

And now introducing a new segment to honor other Internet creatures who bravely dare to make the pissant even more famous:

Thursjay’s Web Cut & Paste
1. Jay is better than Mike Imrem? [The Sports Columnist]
2. He’s gonna hate seeing that Morrissey was quoted first. [True Hoops]
3. Jay’s headlines are attacked! [The Big Lead]
Got a Jay releated link to share? Email AngryOrange55 at Yahoo.com