Money corrupts, I know. Fame poisons, I know. But the bet here is that Rose has the maturity, ambition, focus, street smarts and family foundation to pull off a challenge unique in pro sports history. Yes, he can be the No. 1 pick in the house of Jordan, 10 farcical seasons after the sport’s most fun and memorable dynasty was prematurely dismantled, and lead the Bulls to new heights as the NBA’s next classic point guard. - Jay Mariotti

In other words, Derrick Rose would be well advised to seek a restraining order against the back page pundit. Why bother to delay the inevitable?

Just ask Tiger Woods. After all, it is a crying shame that Jay missed out on scoring that apple core. It appears that the price of hanging out on a male friendly nudist beach instead of properly covering the U.S. Open cost the hateful dwarf about $36 thousand.

Hang onto those precious gummy bears, Derrick. And be sure not to trip over Jay’s panting tongue should you drop a little edible gelatin on the floor.

Evidently, Derrick Rose can do absolutely no wrong in the Mary Otti Universe. Of course, the same sentiment was once lavished upon Ben Wallace. Jay grew bored with his fascination over Wallace’s physique and afro and redirected his attention towards an inflatable legendary impersonator faster than his editor could scope next season’s pumps catologue.

In fact, Mariotti has already set the course of directing blame should Derrick Rose fail to live up becoming the next Tiger - Michael hybrid of professional sports. Right on cue, the pissant snivels:

If he doesn’t, the blame goes to Paxson and Vinny Del Negro, the head coach who hasn’t coached before.

And there you have it. If Derrick Rose slips on a banana peel, blame it on the team’s general manager and head coach. But why stop there? Hell, might as well go the full ten yards and also blame all future hypothetical problems associated with Rose to Jerry Reinsdorf for not selling the Bulls to Michael Jordan.  And of course, some how, in some way, any disappointment in the number one draft pick’s NBA career will also be Ozzie Guillen’s fault.

Laughably, Jay continues his thinly veiled facade of attempting to portray himself as some sort of basketball expert. Yes, yes indeed we are all aware and duly unimpressed that the Sun-Times troll once witnessed the awe inspiring life changing moment of Michael Jordan shooting hoops. However in typical fashion, Mariotti runs out of gas on critiquing Rose’s game and reverts to the typical garbage normally reserved for freaky stalkers:

While home the next new days, Rose surely will eat at his beloved pizza joint, the Home Run Inn. He’ll play ping pong with his buddies, go to movies, listen to Lil Wayne rap over his headphones.

Quite the sentence structure, huh?

Careful Jay or you just might morph into another blogger.

And we all know about the meddling ways of those dreaded Internet creatures. Perhaps Rose should also lock down his wiki bio to prevent Jay from plotting out his daily itinerary from now until basketball retirement.

No doubt, Brian Urlacher is nodding his head in complete agreement.

Oh, the painful cliches. I could almost write a Mariotti column* with them. Fortunately for you, I won’t. As I noted last week, I bought a dedicated server to house Jay the Joke. I did everything by the book, had an assigned tech support staff and added in an extra layer of protection “just in case.”

We even had a mirror site set up so no data would get lost. Ah, the hubris of man thinking that he is smarter than a machine that only knows on/off.

Simply put, if something could go wrong, it did. If it could go wrong twice, it did at 3 in the morning to make sure no one could stop it. And off our site went into the nether-realms of cyberspace. But, after discovering that a bottle of Southern Comfort for breakfast helps calm one down, we got this all fixed but lost 5 days of data in the process. If you became a member during the last five days, you will need to re-register. Sorry about that.

My wife cried yesterday while the site was down. She wanted to know who was going to write about “your Soxie-poos.” She hasn’t quite grasped that this is not the only place on the Internet to catch up on scores and stuff. I will not be the one to tell her.

This has been a fun week for Mariotti. He got a “raging clue” over the signing of Derrick Rose, got to rip on his* beloved national media for not paying attention to the Cubs / Sox series, took today to point out all the flaws of both teams, thus making them unworthy of national attention, and has continued to foist his* fact deprived drivel on the masses whether we were here or not.

You don’t want to legitimize Mariotti by comparing him* to Sisyphus or Don Quixote, since both figures at least had definable goals, tragic though they may have been. Mariotti only hates because he* has no love, no joy, no hope.

The rest of us, however, do enjoy our sports and can do so without layers of senseless hyperbole or venom. If you don’t believe me, new member Steve @ Woodstock (I am guessing the town and not the festival since he is coherent) has already started a thread so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!

As some of you may have noticed (OMG! WHERE ARE YOU???), we had a moment where we were off line Sunday. And, this time it was all our fault. Since I took over the site a little while back I have tried to make it easier for people to access the front page and some of our data. It was my hope that people could do so without actually having Jay The Joke on their screen at work. In other words, I primarily did it for the media who support us.

And it worked.

Too well.

Whereas before we would get a hundred or so data requests in an hour, we now can get over 20,000. For the arithmetically impaired, that is more. What happens then is that our host is forced to shut off the data bases until things quiet down because the spill back starts shutting down other sites that have nothing to do with JTJ.

Good move for them, bad for us.

Yesterday we tied in to Amanda Kaschube’s blog over at the Chicago Tribune. The resulting amount of data being transferred back and forth overwhelmed our little site. Thanks Amanda.

Yeah, I am going to blame her until I am forced to face reality.

Anyway, after spending several hours on the phone and trying not to let my blood pressure hit dangerous levels when I got asked if I could stop people from coming here so much, I finally said the hell with it and bought a dedicated server. What that means for the faithful is that there will be JayTheJoke.com email addresses, at no charge, for anyone who wants them by this weekend. It means that you will soon be able to lease web space from Jay The Joke. In keeping with our “working class mentality”, we will be providing space at around $3.00 a month for a basic site.

I can’t really be all that mad since the reason I had to make this purchase was because so many people have decided that ridding the universe of the drivel that passes for journalism these days is an important cause to support.

Seriously, how angry can you be with people who agree with you?

This site has been cited, mentioned or referred to in almost every major sports’ publication. Whether subtly in the case of a certain national baseball reporter or directly in many other cases, it is becoming harder and harder for the media to ignore the growing groundswell of readers who do not wish to be treated like ADD suffering idiots.

So, thanks for all the support. Thanks for the wonderful concern you all showed when we were off line. Thanks for the offers of hookers and money. I appreciate them all.

In the meantime, you can shut me up by just CLICKING HERE AND JOINING THE FUN!

Fast forward to Friday, 3:05 PM

Game#1 Cubs at White Sox

And just imagine....

Hawk: So here we go White Sox fans, let’s see how these Cubs play against our guys in our barn. Should be a great series.

DJ: Yup. I’m looking forward to it.

Hawk: By the way, did you read about a certain you know who calling Ozzie a whirlybird?

DJ: Nope. I don’t bother to read gossip columns.

Hawk: Well, I suppose it is better to be a whirly bird than one of the heiny species. But I’m guessing that old bird is about to become extinct here in Chicago real soon.

DJ: One can only hope.

Game starts.

The White Sox tried their damndest to provoke ill will all weekend, acting like mannerless rubes bent on insulting and tweaking Cubdom every way possible.

A faint chant begins to emerge.

Hawk: Well folks, it appears that a few of the fans are getting themselves in a bit of a tussle.

DJ: Yup. Cannot quite make out what they are saying quite yet.

Hawk: Hey have you yet seen you know who here at the game?

DJ: There have been no pope mobile sightings at this time. But I’ll keep you posted.

But the silly onslaught of South Side verbal exhaust - A.J. Pierzynski referred to Cubs fans as “idiots,” John Danks claimed Wrigley reeks of urine, Ozzie Guillen said the shrine is infested with rats and dissed Jim Edmonds - didn’t result in any on-field mayhem in the finale of the Crossdown Showdown, Act One. In fact, all it did was further shame the Sox, who managed more cheap shots than runs in a three-game no-show that exposed their vulnerabilities as serious contenders.

2nd Inning

Fans: Hmmmm R..... I...... T......

Hawk: Well our guys are playing a heck of a lot better than what they showed us last weekend. And it seems that the Cubs are finding things a whole lot tougher outside their friendly confines.

DJ: Yup. It makes a big difference playing at home instead of being on the road.

Hawk: Still cannot quite make out what those folks down below are saying.

DJ. They certainly are having a great time.

Hawk: Well, sure why not? This is a great game!

4th Inning

If anybody needed nose plugs over the weekend, it was a Sox fan.

Crowd: Mo.... Ron.... Hmmm.... I.... {clap, clap, clap, clap, clap}

Hawk: Any endangered bird updates?

DJ: Well, I’m not exactly sure but it does appear that something might have flapped its wings in the press rooms.

Hawk: Well, I’m sure the security detail will handle any unwanted intrusions.

DJ: chuckles.

Hawk: And to our intriqued viewers, the White Sox faithful seem to be doing a modified Bronx-like cheer.

DJ: Yeah, all game long.

5th Inning

Unlike the Blizzard of Oz, who is a 24/7 pinball capable of throwing a tirade or quitting his job at any time, Lou has mellowed more than a bit at 64.

Crowd: Mo...Ron… Ot.... {clap, clap, clap, clap, clap}

Hawk: Just cannot emphasize enough what a great ballgame we are watching. Now this is more like it.

DJ: Yeah. Our guys really came out to play for this one. And they should be jacked up. Especially after last weekend.

Hawk: Well you know it is a long season. And these things happen. We get swept in a three game series and it is the end of the world for some.

DJ: Wonder what that guy will write after this one.

Hawk: Probably garbage involving rats and pigs.

DJ: He ought to know all about that.

Hawk: The fans here really seem to have it out for someone today.

DJ: That chant is really building. Something about being a moron?

Hawk: We’ll keep the folks posted.

8th Inning

How small and foolish do the Sox look today?

Might they possibly do the city a favor and shut up as they feebly try to stay in first place?

Crowd: “Mo.... Ron.... Otti..... {clap, clap, clap, clap, clap} Mo Ron Otti”

Hawk: {laughs} Oh boy......

DJ: Well, that was bound to happen.

Hawk: I think the good people have spoken. And I don’t really have that much more to add.

DJ:  Not on the air anyways.

Hawk: Yes sir, our fans are anything but soft.

9th Inning

Not Guillen. Never Guillen. In mentioning the rats, he thinks he’s helping the Cubs get a new ballpark built, not understanding that the bleachers area he targeted will be preserved - thankfully - in any future Wrigley rehab job. “I talked to [Cubs general manager Jim Hendry], and he said the best quote was about the rats lifting weights,” said Guillen, who should be trying to win a Manager of the Year award and not the Best Quote Contest.

Crowd: Mo...Ron...Otti… {Organ chimes in unison with hand claps} Mo...Ron...Otti...

Hawk: My goodness. What a night to be a White Sox fan.

DJ: Yup. Hate to be the one at odds with this crowd tonight.

Hawk: Well, I’m sure that a particular editor is getting an earful right now.

DJ: Indeed. Indeed. I bet Jerry is in a real hurry to rush over security guards to the press box.

Hawk: Shouldn’t be a problem for that particular bird. It just needs to start executing those circles.

DJ: Speaking of which, I do believe has flown the coup.

Both men: You can put it on the board. YESSSSS!!!!

Chicago Tribune Blogger, Amanda Kaschube, spent yesterday blogging about the Crosstown Classic. But, unlike our favorite dwarf, she spent the time actually talking to people and, much more importantly, giving us our first verified sighting of the MDF at a pro sports event. Read her whole article for a fun look at both teams and their fans.

Her 2nd inning entry:
According to my spies in the press box: Sun-Times hero and fan favorite Jay Mariotti asked for a security presence to safeguard him from his colleagues.

Her 3rd Inning entry - proving she has made solid career moves and has a sense of humor;
To Yosh: I’ll give you more Mariotti details as I get ‘em! I interned at the Sun-Times in 2000 and he totally did not hold the door open for me one day. Scandal.

Her 4th Inning entry - and final sighting related note;
UPDATE: Mariotti is cornered in the lunchroom with his cell glued to his ear, whining to his bosses about the inconsiderate behavior of his Sun-Times peeps, who apparently don’t like him. FANTASTIC!

After that, nothing. So, we know that he* got there around the 2nd and was not seen after the 4th. Hard day’s work there, don’t you think?

We would like to thank, new member, harwood518 for pointing out this gem. CLICK HERE to join an actual discussion about the Sox, Cubs and all that is good in the world.