True, if Reinsdorf and Paxson had been a bit more generous last summer, maybe Deng and Gordon would have had better seasons and the Bulls would have reached the playoffs again. Instead, the duo rejected the offers, wigged out over the Kobe Bryant trade rumors and never recovered in a dreadful season in which Scott Skiles and Jim Boylan were fired. That is an old story. - License Plate Owner STD WARF

Perhaps if Bennigan’s Grill & Tavern paid all of its employees 6 figure salaries, it would not have filed for bankruptcy.

After all, in the Jay Mariotti Universe of Mystifying Economics, it would only make sense to automatically presume that an employee not completely breaking the bank would deliberately tank on performance.

Luol Deng and Ben Gordan, like the rest of their teammates, experienced a disappointing season on the basketball court. However, none of their families starved, all the utility bills were paid, no issues with the mortgage, gas in the SUVs along with a nest egg attempting to grow in a down market.

Society has deemed participants in professional sports worthy of earning millions per year. Yes, those that qualify are among a select few. And no, it is not reasonable to be bitter towards those that obtain an athletic gift valued as such a high commodity. God bless those with such fortune.

But Mariotti’s insinuation that Deng and Gordon simply couldn’t perform last season because of not receiving yet more millions upon their contractually signed agreements with the Chicago Bulls is simply ludicrous.  After all, these are professional athletes. And being professional, mandates one’s best effort at all times while on the job.

Today’s back page dreck is nothing more than the ramblings of a naive ignorant “man"-child, completely out of touch with the realities of today’s economic hardships facing Joe/Jane Average just trying to hang on to a job and cover the bills to support his and her family. And yet a near broke Joe/Jane Average, is really supposed to give a damn about Mariotti’s ridiculous assertion that Deng was so overwrought with grief over the Bulls previous “lowball” offering and coaching carousel that he deserved this type of raise.

Whatever Jay.

There isn’t a dilemma with any professional sports team in this town, that Jay Mariotti couldn’t fix by throwing more money at. And of course, it is always much, much easier and far more convenient when it involves other people’s finances resources such as Jerry Reinsdorf.

But then again, the biggest yappers about money are typically the cheapest.

The coiffed bobble head would be wise to remember that the next time he “forgets” to tip the poor tortured soul that must wax and pluck those eyebrows every week.

Word gets around.

Yes, time flies when you are having fun. Do you remember those long ago days of yesteryear when the Cubs future was dimming faster than a candle underwater and the Brewers were a scary team? By, “long ago days of yesteryear”, I mean ‘yesterday.’ Well, today those Brewers are pathetic wannabes.

In Cubdom, fast-forwarding to October is taboo, like asking where Lindsay Lohan will be in three months. You live in the now, set local TV ratings records, outyell these new-at-winning Brewers fans in Miller Park and giggle aloud—for now—about some friggin’ upstart without a playoff sniff since 1982 ever sabotaging your 100-year dream.

Wow. Lindsay Lohan, giggling and friggin’ all in one convoluted mess. Oddly enough, all three terms are loaded into my Spam filter. Coincidence? I think not.

But, as any Cubs’ fan knows, what really matters is not that the Cubs continue to beat the teams they have to play, or pad their first place lead, but that they can not beat the Angels.

If they have hopes of finally winning the World Series, the question now becomes whether they or any other club has the goods this autumn to beat the Angels of Los Angeles, Anaheim and, if I’m reading this properly, the United States of America. Think the Cubs are having a terrific couple of nights in Wisconsin, with back-to-back victories over top pitchers that pushed their recently shaky divisional lead to three games? Consider the Angels, who, in a six-hour swoop Tuesday, acquired an over-the-top piece in slugger Mark Teixeira and then saw pitching ace John Lackey come within two outs of no-hitting the Red Sox at Fenway Park.

Quick, find the point of that paragraph! Okay, that was cruel of me. There isn’t one. The only way the Cubs would have to worry about the Angels is if they face them in the World Series. And that is a worry that all Cubs fans would welcome, as far as I can tell. The Chicago team that actually should care about this is the Sox. And, in honor of that, we get this;

Otherwise, what don’t they have? Mike Scioscia is the sharpest manager in the game. Their pitching rotation is so deep and talented that our old pal, Jon Garland, gets lost in the mix. Frankie (K-Rod) Rodriguez, the closer in a typically good bullpen, is trying to break Bobby Thigpen’s record for saves in a season. They catch the ball. They steal bases. They play smart, efficient ball that doesn’t require heavy lifting by one man as much as contributions by all. They won it all six years ago and could have three years ago, instead of the White Sox, if they weren’t so banged up.

In some sort of reverse order, that would be the same “banged up” team that destroyed the Yankees to get to the White Sox and then got out managed, out played and out everything else by our favorite little Venezuelan and his rag tag group of cuddly vagabonds. Yes, the Angels play very good baseball. So do the Twins and several other teams. I would even go so far as to say, may Ozzie forgive me, that the Cubs are a pretty darn good team too.

Of course, they are not good enough and no matter what Hendry has done, he hasn’t done enough. At least not in Dwarf-Land (NO ONE OVER this height ADMITTED ON RIDES....).

Hendry says he could be “a rock star” someday with his 98 mph heaters and flowing locks, and I’d don’t doubt it—someday. But entering in the ninth after Zambrano’s latest superb start, the kid struggled a bit, allowing a walk and a crushed double and the only Milwaukee run. As rookie relievers go, a guy can sink from Bono to Vanilla Ice in one night.

Gnarly, two irrelevant celebrities in one paragraph. Do you feel as honored as I do? Also, last I checked, there was not an MLB closer with a 0.00 ERA. The kid got hit. So what? He didn’t get chased off the mound, he didn’t give up 8 runs, he didn’t bean a running sausage. In other words, he won the game and did just fine.

There is more mindless drivel. Suggestions for players the Cubs should get without any thought of who they would have to give up. Some more un-attributed quotes and a perversion of the great Daniel Burnham quote and we are done.

Thankfully TomD and Thick McRunfast, 2 bastions of sanity, have already started a thread, so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!

The psychoanalysis of neurotics has taught us to recognize the intimate connection between wetting the bed and the character trait of ambition. - Sigmund Freud

The healthy man does not torture others - generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers. - Carl Jung

Well, now that we have cleared that up, let us delve into the nether-reaches of psychoanalysis ala Tinky. Rickie Weeks, 2nd baseman for the Brewers, made a rare error last night. Over the course of 162 games, these things happen. It may have even cost the Brewers the game. But, again, it is one game of 162. So, clearly, the Brewers are not ready for prime time and should go back to making cheese or whatever it is they do to fund that park.

A psychological victory, you could call it, with the Cubs knocking out the heralded newcomer Sabathia after nicking him for nine hits and four runs, three earned, while making him throw 124 pitches. No one will win or lose a division title during these four games, but statements certainly are being hammered like the home runs leaving a stadium that fittingly resembles a power plant.

If the Cubs sweep the Brewers, that will be a statement. One game with some hitting and help from the opponent doesn’t cut it. Not to take anything away from the Cubs’ victory, they needed it, but no one calling Clark and Addison home is going to get fit for rings just yet.

If there were suspicions that this 6-7, 300-pound (at least) Sabathia was unhittable, impenetrable and extraterrestrial, they ended on the game’s second pitch Monday. A changeup is what CC threw to Alfonso Soriano, who crushed it so hard with his rubber-band-man swing that he admitted it and began a home-run jog. Alas, his pose was premature, with the ball smashing off a “Wisconsin Drives Chevy” sign in left-center field.

So, Sabathia is fat. Who knew? Since he toiled for years in the lesser American League, a land where Tinky dares not tread, he* missed that memo. As for Soriano, the only people who thought he “crushed” that ball were him and our little lawn gnome. The Brewers fielded it.

And almost threw his lazy butt out at 2nd.

So, next time up, Soriano made sure he didn’t embarrass himself and have to high-tail it for a double again. He parked a Sabathia fastball considerably higher, up by the “Waste Management” sign in the second deck of sold-out, Bob Uecker-as-Harry Doyle atmosphere of Miller Park. The Cubs were denting the celebrated pitching acquisition of the upstart Brewers, specifically with the one guy, Soriano, who actually might make more money ($136 million) than what Sabathia commands as an offseason free agent. Would this be the night when CC’s BBs were turned into ZZZZZZZs by the healthy, dynamic Soriano and the Cubs?

Well, it’s good to know that all those outfield signs are getting some pub. At least those Chevy driving Cheese-heads are getting their trash picked up regularly. We will never know if he is insulting the Brewers by referencing the drunk Harry Doyle from the beginning of the movie when the team sucked, or lauding them by alluding to the sober Harry Doyle who was reporting on a revitalized team. And I have no idea how comparing Soraino’s pay to Sabathia’s has any relevance. Simply put, that last sentence should be taken out and shot. I have a four year old niece who rhymes better and more coherently than that.

But, he* has not tortured the English language or your psyche enough, he* has to bring something up that has no bearing, in any version of reality, on last night’s game. Yes, (Thick McRunfast is cringing) Kerry Wood’s finger is the focus of his* .... well, his* something.

All of this came on a night when Kerry Wood’s finger blister, once thought to be a 48-hour injury, officially became one of those weird crises that only happen in Cubdom. For those keeping score at home, Milwaukee is the hometown of the Violent Femmes, who wrote a famous song about a blister, “Blister in the Sun,” although I’m told it’s not really about blisters. The down low on Dr. DL is that he won’t be appearing in this series, either, now that it’s apparent he can’t pitch without a protective pad. “He threw with it on it for a while, and it felt OK. He took it off and tried to throw without it and he couldn’t,” said Piniella, knowing a pitcher can’t use the pad in a game.

It’s okay. I’ll wait while you down those bottles of aspirin and bourbon. Nevertheless, a crisis is when you wake up naked in a rowboat headed for a waterfall. Kerry Woods’ blister does not qualify. Also, “Blister in the Sun” was released in 1982. All he missed was a good Polka joke to tie it all in. Although I am glad he* actually took time out of his busy day to ask someone what the song meant. Next week we will get a dissertation on Chumba Wumba and their relationship with Cubbie Occurrences. And, Dr. DL? What? Was his credit line at “Nicknames-R-Us” overdrawn? As to pitchers not being allowed to use any foreign substances on their hands, good to know that Lou finally got a copy of the rule book.

I kid, Lou. We know that you know what the hell you are talking about.

Anyway, after he* takes time out of his* busy day to screw up the URL for Jeff Samardzija’s web site, insult fellow ESPN reporter Jayson Stark and call Jim Hendry an idiot for not doing what he* wants, we get to this uplifting bit of journalism;

Consider it a chance to breathe, if only for a few hours, until Ben Sheets takes the mound for the scary team from up north.

Sheesh. It’s enough to make you enter therapy. New member, Mr. Gaudino, has already started a thread, so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!

I read today’s offering* twice. First on line while I was at home dealing with some phone calls and stuff. I thought that the article* had been edited for some reason since there seemed to be pieces missing. So, I stopped on my way to work, picked up the paper, re-read the article* and realized that the gaping holes in logic and missing points were the way it was supposed to be.

This used to be nothing but a bratwurst convention, a chance for Cubdom to launch a 90-mile caravan, pass the kitschy “CHEESE HERE” signs, tailgate in the lots, mix some Secret Sauce with Leinenkugel Red and occupy more than half of Miller Park’s seats in a blue takeover of the little town up north.

Yes, that is loosely true. Milwaukee was Chicago north for a while. But, the last few years, as the team has become more competitive (see last year as Exhibit “A”), Brewers’ fans have sold out the park more often than they have in a long time to support their team. Simply put, the analogy (such as it is) is about 3 years out of date. Which, for Jay, makes it a current event.

Who knew that Milwaukee, which just got its first Starbucks last week but had the progressive vision to acquire CC Sabathia, could be a dateline for the next possible chapter in the Cubbie Horror Picture Show? Who knew that the Brewers, not the Diamondbacks or Mets or Phillies or Cardinals, could be the bouncers who turn 100 years of waiting into 101?

First, one of those silly facts. Milwaukee has had Starbucks since the company began franchising nationally. If you are into that sort of thing, you can CLICK HERE for a list of all the locations in and around Milwaukee. As to “who knew?”, besides Lou Pinella who mentioned it several times, I point you to our very own IlliniEd who predicted, in March, that the Brewers would be a very good team, again, and that they were about 1 pitcher away from being serious. Sabathia would seem to fill that need. Of course, Ed limited himself to facts, research and history, so he is clearly unqualified to work for a major metropolitan paper such as the Sun Times.

Obviously, facts be damned, Jay has to belittle any city that has less than 6 million residents as a cow town. He* has done it to Memphis, Atlanta and many others. Since he* would never go anywhere without a “man spa” he never has to defend himself* to those residents.  The fact that Milwaukee is a “Diseased Dwarf Free Zone” should make it a “must see” tourist stop on everyone else’s itinerary.

Now would be a ideal time for a legitimate journalist to look at the reasons the Cubs have trouble winning on the road, how their remaining schedule favors, or not, their chances and so on. We will have none of that here.

It doesn’t help the Cubbie condition that the White Sox suddenly have a larger division lead, 2 1/2 games, and well-deserved swagger as they barge into Minnesota for four games with the second-place Twins. Ever remember both Chicago clubs with so much at stake, simultaneously, in late July? Ever remember the Bears being so irrelevant in training camp? Ever think the Sox would look like the stronger playoff contender, if only for a bit, entering the final months? Ever think Ozzie Guillen actually might be right—“We won it a couple years ago, and we’re horse[bleep]. The Cubs haven’t won in [100] years, and they’re the [bleeping] best. [Bleep] it, we’re good. [Bleep] everybody ...”—regarding his anti-Cub rant of May?

I am not even sure where to begin with this mess. All right, the Sox have a larger lead over their competitors at this point in the season than the Cubs. Except for the Dodgers, they are the only ones. That means there are lots of tight races happening all over Major League Baseball as I type. It is not just Chicago. As to the Bears and Ozzie’s, months old, rant, he* may as well have mentioned that the lead character in The Rocky Horror Picture Show (which he alluded to earlier) is Dr. Frank-N-Furter. At least it would have been a literary tie in to the sausage theme.

Oh, I forgot the sausage quotes. Well, who am I to deny you something like that?

Not anymore. Now, the Brewers are acting like the brats, ....

See, that’s a funny play on Bratwurst. Get it? Hunh? Do you? DO YOU????!!!!

… jittery fans conditioned to fear the worst—though never the wurst.

ha..., etc.

How’s that for a little sausage grease in the wound, ....

Sausage grease? Do you even want to think about that one?

But, we do get one bizarre insight that left me befuddled. You see, this season is (somehow?) Andy MacPhail’s fault.

Gee, doesn’t Orioles GM Andy MacPhail owe the Cubs a favor after all his baseball crimes at Clark and Addison?

How long has that guy been gone? Over a year? And hasn’t, new GM, Jim Hendry made a whole slew of moves since then? Or, did I miss a memo and Soriano and many others are actually playing somewhere else this year? And, in defense of MacPhail, wasn’t he following the company guidelines? I know, I know, I am letting boring facts get in the way of whimsical slander, but it is just the way I am.

I hope you can forgive me.

There is stuff about Zell, who must be wondering what the hell Mariotti is taking and why he* doesn’t share, some more flip-flops on Wood and Marmol and a couple of paragraphs that got killed by the punctuation fairy.

The man, the myth, the legend, Tyrone Briggs has already started a thread so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN

This is fun.

Telander evidently knew that Jay Mariotti would typically be a day late and several dollars short for weighing in on the Cuban bid to purchase the Cubs.

So Rick did what any thoughtful, self-respecting journalist would do under such a circumstance. And that is to write a column completely destroying Mariotti’s paranoid induced rantings against any imaginary force attempting to thwart Mark Cuban’s Cubdom quest.

And he did so a day before Jay’s excrement was smeared upon the back page of the Sun-Times.

Enjoy the ride.

Cuban is a lone wolf, a rebel like a much younger Zell who answers to no one but his ego and his sense of fun and his wallet (which is fat). - A real journalist, 7/25/08

Mariotti really liked Rick’s comparative point here. A lot.

But if Zell is taking a strong liking to Cuban—they’re definitely two business rebels, though separated by a generation and considerable more coherence on Cuban’s part—neither had better grow too comfortable in the coming months. - A paranoid dwarf, 7/26/08

Love that word. Rebel.

I e-mailed Cuban and asked him what his bid was and what he thought the Cubs were worth, and he quickly shot back, ‘’Can’t rick sorry.’’

I understand. - A real journalist, 7/25/08

Jay must have been blinded by jealous rage upon learning that his nemesis also e-mails Mark Cuban.

Are you encouraged, I asked him via e-mail, by the early results?

``Yes, of course,’’ Cuban wrote back. - A paranoid dwarf, 7/26/08

Battle of dueling e-mailers. How riveting.  Also still waiting on Jay’s explanation concerning why paying subscribers to the Sun-Times are not permitted to comment on his web page or e-mail.

And now, a personal favorite. Rick Telander seems to be channeling Nostradamus with this declaration:

And the dunces who think baseball owners never would approve Cuban because he’s a loose bolt are themselves nuts. - A real journalist, 7/25/08

Brilliant. And Mariotti of course, obliges Rick Telander.

My belief is, the lords would prefer to tease Cuban, let him think he’s on the verge of his Wrigleyville dream, then make him hurt by rejecting him in the final cut. - A paranoid dwarf, 7/26/08

Perhaps we need to run a contest to determine if Jay Mariotti most resembles a genetically altered cashew or a rather fatty macadamia?

Oh those dastardly, evil “lords”. Damn Reinsdorf! Damn Selig! How could they be so cruel? God why should Mark Cuban suffer such an injustice after promising $1.3 billion? Damn ‘em straight to hell!

One wonders if Jay pulled the Darth Vader mask over his swollen botox injected face when writing that sentence.

Yes Jay, Jerry Reinsdorf and Bud Selig are sitting in a board room right now, rubbing their hands with glee and chortling over a devious plan to make Mark Cuban “hurt”. In fact, why not go one step further and suggest that Sam Zell is only selling the team in order to embarrass Cuban during the bidding process? That this is all a charade, under the grand master plan scheme of “the lords”, to make Jay’s e-mail buddy “hurt”.

Call Luke Skywalker. The wait of the Cubs galaxy is in dire peril.

It is ironic and equally hypocritical of Mariotti to ramble in a long and overwrought paragraph bemoaning that evil Jerry is only interested in making money. How terrible. And yet, Jay then presides to blather about Reinsdorf and his sidekick Selig blowing up a more lucrative Red Sox ownership deal to favor John Henry’s lower bid. Now armed with an allegation that he has neither sufficiently researched nor shown any understanding, Jay proceeds to hyperventilate that history will repeat itself under the assumption that Cuban’s bid is the highest among the remaining suitors to buy the Cubs. By Jay’s “logic”, Jerry Reinsdorf must want to make the most bucks only when it doesn’t interrupt his evil agenda of screwing over Mark Cuban.

But wait a minute, that has not happened. And Mariotti cannot substantiate his prognostication with one shred of evidence. Michael Cooke and the Sun-Times really do not care about measly facts. Jay’s crystal ball supersedes real journalism investigating and claims such a tragedy will happen anyways.

Jay Mariotti is never wrong?

Just ask the 2005 Chicago White Sox.