The headline in the paper reads “Jim needs to find a dandy”. No, I am not making that up. Now that Milwaukee has signed C C Sabathia, a man suddenly unencumbered from punctuation, the Brewers have now shown their fans and their team that they are serious about providing winning baseball again. Good for them. So, naturally, it is time to point out that the first place Cubs are in danger. And, for reason or reasons best left unknown, they are fabulous boys.
It’s never quite as easy as shouting “Woo!” in the night or getting a phone number in the bleachers, even when 28 percent of your roster is on the All-Star team and the boys are more fabulous at home than the ivy.
This makes the first time in my life that I read a sentence that needed therapy. I should note here that only two teams really had the parts that Cleveland needed to make that trade; The Brewers and The White Sox. The Sox could have packaged Fields, a pitcher and Uribe and had a very solid offer. But, you would sooner see ice skating as the national sport in Venezuela before the Tribe traded an ace to a division rival, so that didn’t leave a lot of competition.
While the Cubs could use a solid starter, and a lefty would be a real nice bonus, they aren’t exactly fielding a team of 2A wannabes. Like them or not, they are a first place team with solid players who have their eyes on much more than just packing the stands. Is it enough? I don’t know and neither does anyone else. That is why they play the games, to find out.
Oh, memo to Cubs fans; I know this will come as a shock to you but it has been 100 years since you won a World Series. I found that out by reading the below quote.
As constituted, the Cubs still appear good enough to fend off the Brewers in the National League Central, a tribute to Hendry’s fine architectural work so far. But winning another division title isn’t what Cubdom has in mind in, um, the 100th season since its last World Series victory.
So, what to do? Well, the answer is the same for Mariotti no matter the sport or the need. THROW MONEY AT IT!!!!
Burnett’s salary might be too large and risky to earn an OK from Zell’s right-hand man, Cubs chairman Crane Kenney. It would be a shame if Hendry had to settle for less, such as San Diego lefty Randy Wolf.
Last I checked the Cubs have one of the largest payrolls in MLB. Far from being cheap, they have spent money on needs, filling gaps and not one person has stated, even obliquely, that they are restrained by Zell. Because, in that pesky real world that we live in, Sam Zell couldn’t give a rat’s patoot what the Cubs salary is since he is ... memo to Mariotti ... SELLING THE DAMN TEAM!
The salary will be the new owner’s problem, not his.
On and on it goes. He* makes fun of Milwaukee, manages to miss a cool Madonna reference and basically dribbles on his bib. Another gentleman unencumbered by the silly rules of punctuation, TomD, has already started a thread, so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!
We won’t experience 10 or 12 greater athletic moments in our lives than the Wimbledon men’s final, which was so epic in its intensity and attrition that it trivialized the concept of a mere Instant Classic.
How about Eternal Gratification? Or Better Than Sex?
I have a buddy. He is in his early 50’s and the kind of guy that regular guys love to hate but secretly admire. He participates in Triathlons, is a tennis pro at a swanky club, has been ruthlessly faithful to his wife of 20 plus years and has 5 kids. Granted, he calls everyone “Sparky”, but after almost 30 years I have gotten used to it. Nevertheless, I figured if there was one person on the planet who could quantify the status of yesterday’s match, it would be him. So I asked; “Was it better than sex?”
After listening to him laugh for a good 3 minutes he said, “Sparky, ain’t nothing better than sex. Why do you think I take such good care of myself? You can’t be pleasin’ if you’re wheezin’!”
Who are you going to believe? A bloated dough-boy, slathered with sand blasted make-up, who is one stiff Cosmo away from wearing a sequined gown to work and singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” or my buddy?
But, in the “man up” world of Mariotti, no event is free of his* faux machismo view of reality. So, we are treated to this mess;
The game was tennis, never taken seriously by the Grabowski crowd. But for all we knew, these could have been two barbarians—football players, boxers, mixed-martial-arts goons—as they wailed away on each other.
And, just to be sure we firmly grasp his* turgid visuals, we get this;
… a mood-swing marathon in which young Nadal won the first two sets in a white, sleeveless, Capri-like get-up that reflects his brawling style and highlights two guns that would rival any strong safety’s.
I am sure that Rafael Nadal was going for the Capri pants look when he got up yesterday and oiled his ... ahem .... guns. In Mariotti-Land, I am left to assume that, all the boys wear Speedos (TM) when they play tennis. It is the only explanation for that clueless observation.
Don’t get me wrong, it was a hell of a match. It deserves to be ranked in the top 5 of all time. No one can take that away. But, that being said, most observers were watching the skill and talent on display, not ogling the pants of the victor.
In conclusion, we get the usual drivel of “It’s all about me! Me! Look at MEEEEEEE!” and a mention that this match was better than baseball and that’s about it.
The man, the myth, the legend, Tyrone Briggs has already started a thread so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!
This masterpiece was done by our very own Rocky Biddle. No one wanted it to be lost in a mere thread, so here it is for the universe to enjoy. Have a safe and happy Holiday Weekend!
Jay: The Early Years
Looking for “sports with attitude?” Well search no further, pal. His face says “I’m not to be messed with.” But his attire screams, “Please don’t put me in the locker again Mr. Football Player Man. It’s dark in there and it smells like tears.” Notice the curly mullet, ever-so-hip shirt buttoned all the way to the top and the doughy cheeks and double chinski from all those pressbox buffets. Some guys work that off walking down to the locker room. Not our feller.
Over-the-Shoulder Jay
This is one of my personal favorites. He just looks so unnatural. I imagine the photographer saying, “Hey buddy, make a face like a giant blotchy frog, and then awkwardly try to look like you’re not a smarmy jerk-off.” Uh, kinda like this? Mission accomplished.
Professional Jay (aka, the Eddie Munster)
Smug, self-entitled look; check. Slight glamour-shots head tilt; check. He means business ladies. Also make special note of the hair line starting to creep up along the temples.
Burgeoning TV Journalist Jay
Ohh, he’s got a cheeseburger. No doubt he’s in the midst of one of his signature bits of TV hilarity. Actually, it appears some enterprising “internet creatures” got a little silly in their mother’s basements, and added the tasty sandwich. I like the forced, Monty Burns near-smile. I bet his cheek muscles were sore for weeks from the alien movement.
He’s graduated to the relaxed open collar, no doubt in a contrived attempt to look hip for the kids. This pic also shows the initial signs of obvious facial enhancement surgery, which is noticeable, vaguely, beneath the slathering of cosmetic products. The staff make-up artist deserves some sort of career-accomplishment trophy for her heroic efforts in trying to make his skin look marginally human. God bless her, she made a valiant effort. And notice how his hairline is conspicuously creeping back down. Maybe all that squinting and scowling forced the creation of those bumps in his forehead, and ultimately his eyes and hair merged a little closer? Or maybe it was some bad botox? Either way, score one for the little guy!
Famous Jay the Mush Face
Here we have the pièce de résistance. The little fella has transformed himself from nerdy, tough-talking sportswriter to smarmy, tough-talking television primadonna. After much cosmetic surgery his face is almost unrecognizable. He’s got that Joan Rivers slightly-less-than-real plasticity to his facial features; almost resembling a burn victim wearing a jumble of prosthetic devices, and then blasted with a fire hose filled with pancake make-up for good measure. The green lighting only further casts him poorly, making him appear as some sort of movie alien screaming from a government holding tank. It’s just… I think creepy as hell says it best.
Future Jay
With Jay’s star on the rise and Hollywood calling, he no longer will need to confine himself to the forced machismo of the sporting world. It’s clear from the homo-erotic undertones in his writings and penchant for superficial surgical procedures that his days as quasi-male are numbered. It’s ok Jay. People won’t hate you because you’re trans-gendered. They’ll hate you because you suck at life. Now tell me again why it’s all Jerry Reinsdorf’s fault that you didn’t get that gig at the Mirage as a Liza impersonator.
It is that time of year again. When normally smart people assume that mixing alcohol, gunpowder and fire is a good idea. They are always wrong. They are also why Emergency Rooms were invented. Hopefully, for the rest of us, this is a time we can spend with loved ones and relax. Thankfully, it is the one holiday that requires no gifts, no excuses to eat, nothing other than your presence. That is not too much to ask.
I also hope that it is a time of good humor and laughter. In that spirit I bring you a couple of Fourth of July bits that may have escaped your attention. INDEPENDENCE DAY GREETING CARDS that may seem a tad offensive to our modern sensibilities but were all the rage when they came out. HIT THE PINKO IN THE HEAD and other holiday traditions can be found here. A charming recreation of small town patriotism come to life. FOURTH OF JULY JOKES FOR KIDS is exactly what it sounds like. Each and every one is groan inducing, so be prepared to have your 4 year old repeating them over and over and over and over and over and .... you get the idea.
Tomorrow, when you are sitting on your duff, burning perfectly good meat and watching your beer get warm, no matter your political inclinations, I hope you will take a moment to say a prayer for our troops overseas. Without their dedication and sacrifice I don’t know what holiday we would be celebrating, but I am sure that it would not contain the word Independence.
Nevertheless, while you are admiring the pretty picture courtesy of Red Fox Games and since Jay is taking time off to work on his Liza Minelli impersonation, today is as good a day as any for you to just hop in AND JOIN THE FUN!
How did I know that today was going to be such a good day? Well, I got up this morning and my wife had made me coffee. Something she rarely does. And, bonus, she did so just for the heck of it. She had not filleted my cat or anything like that, although we have (on occasion) discussed this.
When I got to work there were two contracts on my desk that had actually been vetted by legal in a timely manner. Both of which will help my company now and for a long time to come.
I went outside for a delivery and a young lady who works near my office asked me where she should send the video of her and her topless girlfriends for our company’s video contest. I gave her the correct mailing address and then, once I was alone, found a cold compress.
Before I could get to the papers my assistant provided me with a perfect cup of coffee. Even better, she had all my day’s work laid out in order of importance so I didn’t have to strain my little brain.
As I was sipping my coffee and chatting with a friend from Tokyo I had not seen in years, I flipped open the paper and there it was. The complete absence of a Mariotti column.
With both of Chicago’s baseball teams in first place, the Fire still in playoff contention, the Rush actually in the playoffs and the Bulls and Hawks showing that they are serious about next year and the years that follow, I am not sure how today could get any better.
So, I am not going to push my luck.
There is no specific thread for this meandering missive, just CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!