Vinny Gambini: Your Honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?
Mona Lisa Vito: You think I’m hostile now, wait ‘til you see me tonight.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Do you two know each other?
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, she’s my fiancée.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.
The New York Giants seem determined to coddle wide receiver Plaxico Burress. Evidently, it is unimportant to Burress to exhibit any honor of representing the NFL as a widely recognized and talented professional football player. But then of course, in a league governed by an owner controlled commissioner who has demonstrated a soft stance and tolerance towards granting several of its players multiple second “last” chances despite Darth Vader-ish rhetoric, why should Burress really be concerned with any permanent repercussions to his athletic career?
The following was the official released statement provided by the New York Giants. It reads pretty much the same as the Dallas Cowboys’ position concerning their own residential idiot if you cross out Burress’ name and substitute in “Adam Jones”.
Undoubtedly, Roger Goodell will shortly release a stern statement condemning the latest saga revolving around a presumably contrite Burress who probably has already been in contact with Jones on how to effectively b.s. the league front office into a substance abuse confession.
But by all means, let’s permit the wheel of justice to investigate on exactly how poor 31 year old manchild Plaxico Burress fell victim to his own self inflicted gun shot wound in a night club.
LANDOVER, MD - Giants ownership today said that no conclusions or decisions will be made regarding Plaxico Burress until the investigation into his accidental shooting is complete.
B.S. Translation: Yes football fans, we are going to assume that you are all complete idiots and cannot comprehend the already widely reported fact that Burress brought a concealed hand gun into a nightclub. And for farts and giggles, he discharged a round into his right thigh. Let us all wait breathlessly for that ballistics report from CSI New York to confirm what is already known to be fact.
“We’re still investigating the circumstances of how he was shot,” team president John Mara said to a group of reporters in the FedEx Field press box prior to today’s Giants-Redskins game. “I want to wait until we find out all the facts and circumstances. I don’t know what happened there. And until we find out exactly what happened, we’re not going to make any comment or make any decision about his future.”
B.S. Translation: The Giants team president is praying that football fans are not Internet savvy enough to hop on F*SPN.com and read how Burress has already confessed to his employer that he shot himself in the leg. Mara is either an imbecile or an unconvincing liar.
Not surprisingly, Burress has already lawyered up with Ben Brafman providing a little Law & Order speak:
“I would hope that fans of the New York Giants will give Plaxico the benefit of the doubt and the presumption of innocence—something we’re all supposed to be given in this country.”
Counselor, we eagerly await your magic bullet defense.
“We are not going to comment on any details of what happened on Friday night or Saturday morning out of respect for the investigative process and the people involved,” chairman Steve Tisch said. “Let the process run its course.”
B.S. Translation: I am a weak suck of a chairman and afraid of being sued by Burress’ attorney if I negatively comment on this latest monumental transgression of stupidity committed by our employee. Let’s ignore the fact that Burress shot himself. This was not a random act of violence or simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Burress brought this upon himself.
Burress was reportedly wounded by a self-inflicted gunshot in a New York City nightclub on Friday night.
B.S. Translation: We know. Just be grateful that Burress only shot himself instead of an innocent bystander.
“I’m disappointed that any of our guys would put themselves in this situation,” Mara said. “But our first concern is for Plaxico’s health and well-being.”
B.S. Translation: Actually, Mara should be a little beyond “disappointed” and crossing the realm of “livid”. As for worrying about the almighty welfare of poor misunderstood Plaxico, stuff it already. If Burress bothered to care about himself, this would never have happened. He would have been at home with his wife. Something called common sense should have registered in this dimwit’s poor excuse of a brain that illegally carrying a handgun into a night club would lead to trouble. And we all know that the best way to rehabilitate an injured hamstring is to fire a bullet directly into the leg.
Lemme guess Roger, he was drunk and needs help. Right? Did you determine that before or after that phone call from Giants ownership? All the more the reason to circumvent this pretty clear cut league rule:
NFL handgun policy prohibits players carrying weapons on NFL premises and NFL-related functions. It also prohibits any player having a gun without a proper permit or registration.
And yes, it has already been investigated if Burress has such a permit. Jay Glazer states:
Reports also indicate that Burress had a Florida gun permit but that the permit expired in May. New York law prohibits the possession of a concealed weapon within New York even if one is licensed in an outside state. Mayor Michael Bloomberg in 2006 led the way to stiffen gun laws in New York City making it a mandatory 3½-year sentence for being busted for illegal possession of a firearm within the city.
If this goes to trial, please let there be a live broadcast. The tax payers of New York deserve a little comic relief.
Mara said the Giants are cooperating with authorities in the ongoing investigation.
B.S. Translation: Well, what else is the team supposed to do? Evade the police? Pretend Plaxico jumped off the George Washington Bridge? (obligatory Copland reference)
“We’ve been in touch with NFL Security, they’ve been in touch with the police and we’ve told them that whatever they need from us, we’re going to give them,” Mara said. “We’re going to let the investigation play out. There are a lot of unanswered questions. We’re cooperating fully with both the police and NFL Security.”
B.S. Translation: Exactly what questions are unanswered? Burress was a victim of his own immense stupidity. And how nice of Tisch and Mara to read from the same cue card.
Middle linebacker Antonio Pierce was reportedly with Burress.
B.S. Translation: Guess that makes Pierce fortunate not to also be shot by his teammate?
“Antonio has been cooperative with NFL Security,” Reese said. “Antonio is focusing on trying to beat the Redskins right now. That’s where his focus is and that’s what it should be right now. He’s been interviewed by NFL Security, I’m not sure if he’s been interviewed by the police yet.”
B.S. Translation: Yes, we all believe that Pierce is fully committed to “focusing” on the Redskins in between interrogations. And that fully explains why the linebacker was clubbing with Plaxico Burress a few nights before playing their divisional rival.
The immediate unanswered question is whether this incident will distract the Giants from playing their best.
B.S. Translation: A real whopper here. God forbid the Giants be “distracted”. Hell, let’s honor Plaxico Burress during the pre-game shtick with a twenty-one gun salute. If management truly cared about “distractions”, this turkey would have been cut loose already.
“Our players and coaches - once they knew Plaxico was okay and once we had met with league security - focused on the only thing we have control over, which is playing as well as we can today against a good Washington team,” Tisch said. “The rest, at this point, is out of our control. We will conduct our business based on what transpires, but we do not expect anything to deter this team from its objective.”
B.S. Translation: Yes, lets fret over an individual that cares nothing about his team. No doubt Tom Coughlin had the entire team “take a knee” prior to kickoff for a moment of silence to thank God that Plaxico was pointing his piece at a leg instead of his head.
“I think that remains to be seen,” Mara said. “This team has proven itself to be pretty resilient, so hopefully they’ll be able to overcome this. But that remains to be seen.”
B.S. Translation: If the Giants defeat the Redskins (update - they did), Burress will be credited for helping the team “bond” during this “tragedy”. After meeting pseudo-Darth Goodell, Plaxico will undoubtedly vow to changing for the better. And to prove to his team that he is completely on board with being a dependable leader, he will solemnly promise to shot himself in an extremity before every game. What a guy.
Plaxico Burress has about 35 million reasons to avoid this crap and just stick to playing football.
Apparently that is not enough for this dope.
Memo to Roger Goodell: Get rid of this turd before he shoots someone other than himself. And to the City of New York: If Burress does, try filing a civil suit against the Giants for knowingly endangering society.
Kind of makes that bitching over pink diapers earlier this week seem all that more stupid, huh?
As we get ready to take some, much needed, down time to spend with our families, I thought I would take a minute and let everyone know why we at Jay the Joke are so thankful this year.
First, because a world without Mariotti has turned out to be a beautiful place. Readership is up here and at the Sun Times. I guess even the die hard fans of this site got tired of us being forced to write the same responses over and over and over and over and .... well, you get the idea. Of course, had he* had an original thought, this would not have been an issue. On the other hand, had that happened, there wouldn’t have ever been a Jay The Joke. Call it a mixed blessing and move on. Or, as my friend Pedro mentioned yesterday, never again will his son ask the question “Do all women like having things stuck in their butts?” See the May 14th post if you are confused by that.
Second, we are all thankful because the families of all of our admins are well and happy. And, in the case of Tyrone and Jamel, growing up sane and strong to help keep the flame of ethical journalism alive and well. Of course, right now they are just learning the alphabet, but none of us can see any other result for them as they mature.
Third, we are thankful that those regular posters among us who have taken time out of their busy schedule to procreate are also blessed with happy and healthy children and families. All things considered, I am not sure what more anyone could ask for.
Fourth, on a personal note, I am grateful to all the JTJ bloggers who make this site a joy to visit each day. Never before have I been on a blog that had such a diverse make-up; whether ethnically, religiously, politically or what have you, that was able to discuss their opinions without acrimony or malice. They have, each and everyone, shown the decorum and civility that we demand from the media. While ignorance may lead to bliss, knowledge, integrity and honesty seem to beat a clear path to happiness. I will take the latter any time.
Lastly, I want to thank Pat Dahl and Matt Lynch for starting this site. Without their foresight and dedication none of us would be here now. Well, we’d be “here” in the metaphysical sense, but you know what I mean.
I’m not going to bother linking this to a specific thread, just CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!
BOB SLYDELL: So what you do is you take the specifications from the customers and
you bring them down to the software engineers?TOM: That, that’s right.
BOB PORTER: Well, then I gotta ask, then why can’t the customers just take the specifications directly to the software people, huh?
TOM: Well, uh, uh, uh, because, uh, engineers are not good at dealing with customers.
BOB SLYDELL: You physically take the specs from the customer?
TOM: Well, no, my, my secretary does that, or, or the fax.
BOB SLYDELL: Ah.
BOB PORTER: Then you must physically bring them to the software people.
TOM: Well...no. Yeah, I mean, sometimes.
BOB SLYDELL: Well, what would you say… you do here?
TOM: Well, look, I already told you. I deal with the g@ddamn customers so the engineers don’t have to!! I have people skills!! I am good at dealing with people!!! Can’t you understand that?!? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!!!!!!!
Rumor has it that Michael Jordan is still a minority owner of the Charlotte Bobcats.
This team is struggling something fierce. Fans are not flocking to bear witness to a rather ugly early season record of 4-9, made only palpable by Washington’s putrid 1-10 showing.
And yet, the season grinds on for the Bobcats. Larry Brown is still showing up (so far) to practice and coach his young squad on the finer points of team play while majority owner Robert Johnson continues to hemorrhage cash.
No doubt that a paltry home average attendance record (ranking 3rd last in the entire league) of 12,726 contributed heavily to Johnson’s decision to firing 40 office staff members and the resignation of 3 executives. When asked of his financial woes, Johnson stated:
“I’m not selling the team. We have had calls from people wanting to know if they would want additional investors in the team. But there have been no discussions and I’m not interested in selling the team.”
Admirable. But perhaps foolish during a global economic recession.
Of course, the million dollar question is where is His Airness at this time?
Answer: In a Dubai casino. Until December. That equates to at least 7 more home games that could really use his presence in the stands to help add credibility to a struggling organization.
And no, it is highly doubtful that Mike is achieving world peace by teaching the jump shot technique to a posse of oil sheiks at the expense of his NBA investment.
Small wonder why so many tax payers cringe when fabulously wealthy millionaires plead with Congress for emergency bail out loans.
Larry Brown must be second guessing why he bothered to join the Charlotte fracas after jumping off a sinking Knicks ship in New York. Despite the brave face, Brown cannot be pleased with his absent boss:
“I just want Michael really, really, really involved,” he says. “One, the players need to see him because of what he’s about, what he accomplished. I talked to him about that. He told me he was going to be here for eight days to start the season.”
In other words, just show up and participate. Set the standard, be accountable and lead by example. Transfer that tremendous athletic work ethic and ferocious competitive nature into your ownership of the Bobcats. That worked out pretty darn good in Chicago.
Unfortunately, that has yet to happen. And maybe it will never. If so, it would be a shame. After all, this was the opportunity that Jordan was seeking in Washington. Maybe the Wizards were right?
Obviously, Robert Johnson is tremendously loyal to Jordan despite the suspicious drafting and frequent AWOLs. Perhaps to a fault and in a weird way such as… oh say the bond that ties Bears Head Coach Lovie Smith to his Defensive Co-Ordinator Bob Babich. However, this type of unshakable kinship might just sink this NBA franchise. Johnson is defensive of Jordan’s “involvement”:
“He has a demanding responsibility running his Jordan Brand corporation, as well as other businesses, (But) Michael is committed to the Bobcats. There’s probably not a day that goes by where Michael is not engaged with Rod or Larry in talking about (player) moves.”
Probably not a day goes by? Are you sure Bob? Or are you just covering for your pal?
Friendships should not cost. And Johnson has paid dearly.
Get your butt back on the corporate jet and take care of business, Mike. Or pick up the phone and level with your buddy Bob honestly while he still has other viable investors to help save the Bobcats franchise. Leave the gambling for those Dubai casinos. Don’t recklessly roll the dice on those that have supported you. To date, 40 families that financially depended upon your executive decisions for employment have been let down during a holiday season. It is hard to believe that your presence at a few more home basketball games could not help make a difference for so many.
Michael, you’re a grown man now. Business before pleasure. Always. Just like those glory years wearing a Bulls uniform.
Think about it.
Then…
Just do it.
Over the last 2 days Tyrone and I have hammered out the basic structure of why we think having the Olympics in Chicago is the worst idea since using asbestos in diaper liners. And, trust me on this, we will be back to this topic soon.
In the meantime, I thought I’d take a look around at some of the things that are going on in the wonderful world of regional sports. When Charlie Weiss was hired by Notre Dame I said he was “the wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time.” But, he went out and had a winning season with his predecessor’s players and ND threw money at him like he was the second coming of the Messiah. Since then, let’s just say his fan club has shrunk at about the same rate as his wallet has fattened.
Greg Couch, of the Chicago Sun Times, sums this all up nicely.
They throw Charlie Weis’ arrogance and pomposity back in his face, the way Notre Dame football fans threw snowballs at Notre Dame players Saturday. But Weis cannot take cover as easily as his players did.
He took over as the Irish coach four years ago preaching his own greatness, telling his players they would have a “decided schematic advantage” over everyone. That looks awfully silly now that Weis has failed, possibly the grandest flop in sports history.
A lot of people took Weis’ quote of a “decided schematic advantage” to mean he was smarter than the previous coach. Who got fired before he even had a chance to develop his class of recruits. Between allegations of racism, arrogance and ignorance, Weis needed at least three 10 win seasons in a row to make that stick. He hasn’t even been close.
Maybe he needs Belicheck’s video crew. Or maybe, just maybe, I was right and he really was the wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time.
The Bulls, on the other hand, seem to becoming the team we wanted to see. Yes, they are more run and gun than we are used to in Chicago and, yes, that pesky defense stuff still eludes them at times, but they are finding ways to win in games their previous incarnations would have lost. Last night’s 101-100 win over the Jazz at the buzzer is a pretty good example of that. They didn’t quit, they didn’t whine, they just kept playing and playing hard.
Tommy Rose, of the Chicago Tribune, takes a look at the team thus far.
As a result, the Bulls handed Utah its first home loss of the season, no small feat, and ran their record to 2-3 on the circus trip. And they proved to themselves that they can fight back when a team makes a run at them.
“We needed this win,” Rose said. “It didn’t matter how we got it, we just needed the win.”
Speaking of circus trips, the (MIGHTY) Blackhawks have won 3 in a row and are on pace to tie the franchise record for this mess of a trip if they win their fourth.
Chris Kuc, also of the Tribune, took a moment to talk to the Hawk’s coach about the win.
“That third period, we had a great period,” Hawks coach Joel Quenneville said. “We had a lot more energy. We felt we had a chance to get back, and [Kane] scoring right off the bat certainly helps. You could argue about some of our better periods all year, [but] that was a special third for us.
“We’ve had a couple of stretches in our last two games where we haven’t been our best, but weathering those two storms shows we’re capable of a lot of things.”
Then we get to the Bears. They beat a team that was so pathetic that THE CHICAGO FORCE could have scored 35 on them. Let’s just say I’m not impressed and we’ll see what happens this Sunday night.
In the meantime, the Cubs appear poised to get rid of a proven winner to get a guy whose batting average has dropped, over the last 3 seasons, like winter temps in Chicago, so CLICK HERE TO ADD TO CUBS’ FANS’ MISERY
You want an answer? Okay, pappy, think of it as colors. There’s black, and there’s white, and in between is mostly gray. That’s us. Now gray is a tough color, because it’s not as simple as black and white - and for the media, certainly not as interesting. But… it’s what we are. - Mayor John Pappas
In case you haven’t noticed, the City of Chicago just took the liberty of lightening the wallets of its citizenry a few days ago.
Take note:
- 635 city job firings
- only 200 eventual hirings in law enforcement
- an additional $52.5 million to be culled from taxes
Don’t forget to return that borrowed library book. Those late fees increased as well. And all this at the heels of last year’s record breaking city tax hikes.
Mayor Daley made an interesting ironical comment concerning the necessity of tax overkill:
“Look at what’s happening in Philadelphia. Look at Atlanta. They’re all cutting back. Some cities will eventually go bankrupt. They can’t even meet their payroll,” Daley warned earlier this week.
Okey dokey, so we did. And BigBadBill was kind enough to post the link to a study demonstrating the dismal failure of Atlanta’s affordable living programs following 1996 Olympics. Evidently, Beijing is not the only host Olympic city to attempt to wipe away its less fortunate with a broad stroke.
Incredibly, Alderman Billy Ocasio was the single lone dissenter to the Mayor’s budget proposal. And he is commended for remembering that his job is to represent his constituents rather than the self-interests of the Olympic bidding committee:
“We find millions of dollars in private and public funds when it comes to places like Millennium Park, the 2016 Olympics or Buckingham Fountain. But when it comes to finding….$75,000 for a woman’s homeless shelter, the city says it’s an ongoing process. We all know what that means. It means no,” Ocasio said.
“For the reasons mentioned — the wrong people being laid off, my community being taken for granted, all of the false promises and the fact that this administration believes that everything and everyone is expendable — I vote no.”
Well said Alderman Ocasio, well said.
Hard questions must be asked about this Olympic bid. And concrete answers to such questions must be delivered.
Otherwise, Chicago may just end up facing the threat of bankruptcy.
Just like Atlanta. Right Mayor?