Logan 5: Killed? Why do you use that word?
Jessica 6: Isn’t that what you do? Kill?
Logan 5: I’ve never killed anyone in my life. Sandman terminate runners. What’s your name?
Jessica 6: Jessica.
Logan 5: You’re sad enough. You’re beautiful. Let’s have sex.
Jessica 6: No.
Logan 5: Then why are you wasting my time, hmmm? Why did you put yourself on the circuit?
Jessica 6: I thought I had to do something. I told you it was a mistake. And I’ve changed my mind.
Logan 5: Because I’m a Sandman? Am I your first?
Jessica 6: Yes.
Rod Blagojevich had a dream.
And in his dream, all in Illinois was good. At least for him. Patti’s real estate business was wonderfully lucrative. King Dick feared him and Barry always returned his calls. Roland was happy, Roland’s son was gainfully employed and the Jesses were nowhere in sight. July 1, 2 and 3rd would be declared Rod Blagojevich Happy Holiday by the state legislature.
But best of all?
Illinois People’s Wrigley Field of Dreams - A State of Illinois Project approved by Rod R. Blagojevich, Governor for Life
Rod Blagojevich gets goosebumps every time he reads that road sign every 5 miles on the way to Illinois People’s Wrigley Field of Dreams.
He loves game day. It is very exciting. His limousine is parked up front under the famous red Wrigley sign. Immediately to the right of the sign is an even larger portrait of Rod in his Cubs jersey (minus the hat) flashing a toothy grin and an enthusiastic thumbs up. Of course, the sign warmly welcomes Rod R. Blagojevich, Governor for Life.
He casually walks inside Wrigley Field. Ahh, the smell of fresh grass and popcorn. What an aroma! A small chunk of concrete is heard falling off the upper deck and landing below. Rod ignores that and heads for the Cubs clubhouse. He soon runs across Lou Piniella. The manager quickly takes off his ball cap and offers a respectful bow. The Governor for life reaches into his Cubs warm up jacket and pulls out a sheet of paper and hands it to Piniella. It is the starting lineup. A grateful Lou profusely thanks Rod. And of course hands him an envelope full of cash.
The Cubs engage in a little warmup on the field prior to the game. Rod is in full gear. He shows Fukudome the finer points of not looking like a complete ass in the batter’s box. And he shows Soriano how to properly stretch his groin muscles. Rod has very flexible hip muscles and strips down to his runner’s Nikes to prove a point to Alfonso. The entire team encircles the Governor for Life. And they enthusiastically hail Rod’s incredibly shaped quads. Before leaving the field, Rod hands Jeff Samardzija a special ebony handled hairbrush. And a business card to his barber. Samardzija is most grateful. And he as well hands Rod an envelope full of cash.
The crowd of adoring Blagomites begin to flood into Illinois People’s Wrigley Field of Dreams. Yes, the first place Cardinals are in town but the real event is catching a glimpse of Rod Blagojevich. Rumor has swirled that Rod might actually pinch hit. Maybe even in the first inning. Or he might be the new closer. After all, Gregg has been awful, Kerry is nowhere in sight and Marmol still mumbles about the WBC. If enough cash is thrown onto the field by the Blagomites, the Governor for Life promised on his radio talk show that he might take off his shirt while pitching or hitting. Or maybe he will do both! This was also reiterated on the Rod Blagojevich Governor for Life Reality Television Show. Pay per view of course. But worth it.
Game time is quickly approaching. Tony LaRussa quickly rushes out of the visitor dugout to embrace Rod Blagojevich. And he too hands the Governor for Life an envelope full of cash and begs Rod not to fix the game. The Governor for Life simply smiles and shoos away LaRussa. But he does promise that they will go out afterward for a few drinks. However the drinks and cab fare are on LaRussa.
The PA announcer requests that everyone rise and take off their hats for the Rod Blagojevich Anthem. Patti and Rod both step up to the microphone at home plate and sing their hearts out. Sniffles and tears of joy are heard from the adoring masses. Cash is flung onto the field. Rod teases the crowd by flashing a nipple. Another chunk of concrete falls due to the vibration of the grandstand. Rod throws the honorary pitch. It skips the ground twice and past a diving Geo Soto. Rod stares down the fearful umpire who quickly calls for a strike. Soto grabs the baseball and hands it to Rod. Along with an envelope full of cash.
After about 3 innings, Rod Blagojevich Governor for Life is distraught. The score is 1-0 favoring the Cardinals. This is not going according to plan. Something must be done. So a state of emergency is declared. Lou Piniella is fired. And replaced by Rod Blagojevich. Piniella is jeered as he leaves Illinois People’s Wrigley Field of Dreams. A hurled beer nearly misses Lou’s head. But the beverage strikes the John Kass shrine instead. Rod considers the shrine a wise investment. It was quite an accomplishment to have a statue of white elephant’s rear end sitting on top of the head of Kass. King Dick even okayed the overtime for its police protection. And the marble was purchased from Barry himself through the Economic Stimulus Act.
Fast forwarding to the bottom of the 8th. The score is still is 1-0. Rod Blagojevich is seething. He was paid a lot of cash by a lot of people for this game to result in a “W” after all. A lock of hair weirdly tussles out of place. Rod quickly summons Aramis Ramirez to comb the coif. Another state of emergency has been declared. He orders Jeff Samardzija to return the hairbrush.
Rod decides enough is enough. Carlos Zambrano is due to hit with 2 outs and Fukudome’s on first. It appears that Rod’s pregame pep talk to Kosuke paid off. Indeed Japan’s finest hung in there tough and fierce in the batter’s box while a fastball sailed high and inside, striking him in the forehead. Rod determines that Jim Hendry will be spared. For now, of course.
The moment of truth is recognized. Rod knows what to do. As he has always done. The crowd senses the dramatic situation as well. All Hail Rod erupts once again. Chunks of concrete rain down.
And it is announced: Now batting for the starting pitcher, Rod Blagojevich Governor for Life.
The shirt is off. And Rod is at the plate. One pitch is all that is required. A flick of the wrists. The ball sails onto Waveland Avenue. It even cleared the massive screen blocking the rooftop view. Those massive quads come handy as Rod jogs around the bases. Too bad those cheap rooftop folks missed the moment. If only they had handed Rod an envelope full of cash. Lesson learned. It is a privilege and not a right to witness history.
The Cubs cling to a 2-1 lead into the 9th inning. Rod takes to the mound to close the game for Zambrano. Before he leaves the dugout, a quick call to the statistician was made. Instructions were understood that Rod would earn both the win and the save. A grateful Carlos lovingly embraces his Governor for Life and hands him the ball. And of course, an envelope full of cash.
It is quite a spectacle for the home crowd to see their beloved Rod on the mound. He delivers 9 pitches in all, 3 even didn’t short hop to Soto. All were called strikes. The final out was Albert Pujols who requested Rod to sign the game ball and hand it over to him. An obliging Rod did as requested and an exuberant Pujols handed the Governor for Life an envelope full of cash.
Praise from the Chicago Tribune editorial board was unanimous. It was a good thing for everyone involved that Sam Zell listened to Rod. Malcontents in the local press don’t serve anyone’s best interests. Sam proved to be smart after all. He listened to his Governor for Life. He kept his mouth shut when nosy federal prosecutors made filthy baseless allegations. And he fired those writers that dared to criticize Rod Blagojevich’s utopic vision. Mostly for himself of course.
More envelopes full of cash were exchanged. All quite naturally into the pocket of the Governor for Life.
And look what happened: Illinois People’s Wrigley Field of Dreams became a reality. The Cubs beat the Cardinals. Sam kept his newspaper. And Rod saved the day.
Yes, it is good to have dreams such as these. Especially if you are Rod Blagojevich.
How tragic for Rod that Project Elwood was exposed. Of course it is all lies.
Damn yappers. Better get back on The View to clarify the truth once again.
Patti was right after all. ?!@## the Cubs!
Time for a jog. And think about running for President.
BECKY YERAK (Chicago Tribune) attended the Executive Club’s breakfast which featured John Canning (pictured right with his family) as its keynote speaker. Canning was a bidder for the Cubs and went from “GUARANTEED FRONT RUNNER” to “LOSER’ in very short succession. And he, for one, seems okay with it.
The Ricketts family, who have struck a $900 million deal to buy the Chicago Cubs, “will be great owners” of the Major League Baseball team, according to another bidder.
As the keynote speaker of an Executives’ Club of Chicago breakfast Tuesday morning, local private equity executive John Canning was asked why a group he headed to buy the Cubs was unsuccessful.
“First, it’s going to happen with the Ricketts family,” said Canning, chairman of Madison Dearborn, a Chicago-based private equity firm. “I’ve met them; I don’t know them. Major League Baseball does like family ownership stability so I think they’ll be very good.”
Canning said his group was the low bidder.
Okay, so a guy whose company has weathered the current economic climate pretty well in tact would seem to have a grip on the finances involved. And, as Becky (may we call you Becky?) reports, that was a consideration.
Canning is a minority owner in the Milwaukee Brewers and was considered a frontrunner to buy the Cubs. Separately, Madison Dearborn has about $5 billion in available capital to invest, he said.
“We’ve looked at everything - hedge funds, real estate, distressed funds and we’ve decided these are different skill sets that we don’t have,” Canning said. “Our investors would be horrified if we tried to do any of those things, even distressed debt. A lot of private-equity firms have started to buy distressed debt. Some did too early and got tattooed.”
In other words, he had more than enough money to do the deal, he just didn’t want to commit that much money to this particular deal. That is his choice and one he seems content with.
However, as we here at Jay The Joke always know, the story can never be that simple when it involves the Cubs. And this one does not disappoint.
ELLIOTT HARRIS (Chicago Sun Times) reports on a deeper, and some might say “darker” reason. I mean “dark” as in a “Good Guys Wear Black” kind of dark.
BUY THE WAY ...: Turns out Canning’s a Sox fan
There is canned laughter.And then there is Canning laughter.
As in John Canning Jr., friend of baseball commissioner Bud Selig and once thought to be the front-runner to purchase the Cubs.
The chairman of private equity firm Madison Dearborn Partners was the keynote speaker at an Executives’ Club of Chicago breakfast Tuesday and drew laughter from the audience of several hundred when he said:
‘’The only thing that I was able to come out of the closet on was I’m actually a White Sox fan. God, what a relief not to buy the Cubs.’’
A sentiment—now that the admission is public—that no doubt is mutual as far as Cubs fans are concerned.
Oh joy. Let the conspiracy theories begin; a part owner of the Brewers, who is a Sox fan and friend of the Commissioner’s, attempted to buy the Cubs from a man who owns part of the White Sox ..... yes, this stuff just writes itself. It’s all Reinsdorf’s fault.
Kurtz: I’ve seen horrors… horrors that you’ve seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that… but you have no right to judge me. It’s impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror. Horror has a face… and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies. I remember when I was with Special Forces. Seems a thousand centuries ago. We went into a camp to inoculate the children. We left the camp after we had inoculated the children for Polio, and this old man came running after us and he was crying. He couldn’t see. We went back there and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of little arms. And I remember… I… I… I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized… like I was shot… like I was shot with a diamond… a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought: My God… the genius of that. The genius. The will to do that. Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they were stronger than we. Because they could stand that these were not monsters. These were men… trained cadres. These men who fought with their hearts, who had families, who had children, who were filled with love… but they had the strength… the strength… to do that. If I had ten divisions of those men our troubles here would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral… and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to kill without feeling… without passion… without judgment… without judgment. Because it’s judgment that defeats us.
Three days ago, Chicago native Rakeem Robinson died from gunshot injuries sustained last June.
Rakeem did not die in Iraq serving his country. He was not a soldier. Hell, he was not even old enough to drive a car.
He was 15 years ago. And he was fatally shot right here.
It is not even April yet. And already 30 of our kids are dead, surpassing last year’s toll. Not from incurable illnesses. Or a devastating natural catastrophe. But from random acts of violence that continue to plague our city.
Teenagers killing teenagers with guns.
Children killing children with guns.
Our babies killing our babies with guns.
Shut up about the inconsequential box score blather that we dilute and pollute our minds here on a daily basis. And think about it. Just for a few minutes please. Thirty dead kids gunned down by a hail of bullets. Right here in Chicago.
What the hell is going on here?
And what exactly is City Hall’s call for action?
{Crickets}
It is okay to be pissed off.
You should be.
And if you are not, you probably haven’t waded this far down the post anyway. Chalk it up to another piss and vinegar diatribe and move right along to the latest on Joakim’s uncoordinated giraffe court act.
Let us continue forward together now.
At least the State Legislature has somewhat responded:
By a 114-1 count, the Illinois House approved a bill that would make the crime a Class X felony, which carries a greater punishment than the current Class 1 felony.
Okay so what does that exactly mean? Answer:
A Class X felony holds a usual prison term of six to 30 years in prison while a Class 1 is typically punishable by 4 to 15 years behind bars.
Political window dressing? Maybe. However if gunning down a child isn’t worth 30 years of hell, what is?
And what of our Mayor? How does King Dick feel about presiding over a city where gunfire barely qualifies as headlining news? When not incessantly campaigning for the Olympics, King Dick offered next to nothing in leadership following another recent shooting that killed 14 year old Gregory Robinson who died shielding two younger children from gunfire:
“There are too many guns out there. There are too many younger people killing younger people at all times, day and night,” Daley said. “People are outraged when you smoke in front of them. When are they going to be outraged with gun violence? People have to be outraged.”
Geez, even Jerry Springer could come up with better social commentary on gun control. And a more convincing argument.
Oh people are outraged. But they are also terrified. It is hard to shake a defiant fist skyward while ducking under a window to avoid a drive by shooter’s bullet. The question that really needs to be answered is where is King Dick’s outrage?
{Crickets}
But mention any detrimental activity construed as being counter-productive towards the 2016 Olympic bid and King Dick is all rabbit ears. Especially if that includes a police union protest in front of City Hall during the same day as the IOC’s visit to Dick’s Kingdom:
“If everybody has a complaint about something else, it has nothing to do with 2016,” the mayor said. “It’s really unfair because the Olympics is bigger than Mayor Daley. It’s bigger than the police or fire union, all these unions. It’s bigger than them.
This is about the vision of the city. This is about transforming the city. This is something that other cities are fighting for.”
Yup, King Dick now speaks of himself in the third person:
Dicky: You know Dicky is pretty sweet on you.
Jacques: [thinks Dicky is from another city] Ah! He is?!
Dicky: Oh yeah! Dicky’s been watching you. You’re just Dicky’s type.
Jacques: Ahh! Really?
Dicky: Dicky’s new to the IOC. Dicky doesn’t really know anyone.
Jacques: Oh! well I’d like to get to know him.
Dicky: Dicky would like to get to know you.
Apparently it is no big deal that Chicago’s law enforcement union delegates have voted no confidence in King Dick’s hand picked superintendent, Jody Weis. Which of course means it is no concern to King Dick that the very same police officers unhappy with Weis also serve our communities and protect our kids.
Hey King Dick, are the Olympics bigger than Rakeem? How about Gregory? Or the 28 other gunned down school kids?
Or are their murders just more “unfairness” towards securing the 2016 bid?
This has been a tough week for King Dick. Not only will next week’s police protest embarrass His Highness on an international media stage, the treasury might be a little light. As in 200 million bucks following the 7th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals ruling:
The Fair Labor Standards Act requires the city to grant comp time requests made with sufficient notice, even if it means calling other officers in on their days off to fill the void. The act applies to time earned above and beyond 11 overtime hours in a four-week period.
The ruling comes as nose-diving revenues tied to the prolonged recession threaten to poke a $200 million hole in Mayor Daley’s 2009 budget.
That is quite some hole. Exactly how much remaining 11 secret herbs and spices of asphalt can be offered by Colonel Sanders to fill this particular gap?
Guess that means those parking meters will soon read $10.00. Assuming that any remain standing intact. Chicagoans have a better eye for those downtown meters with a baseball bat than Fukudome wiffing on a pitch low and away.
In the meantime, let’s pray that child #31 is not gunned down tonight amidst the contractual squabble between King Dick and his knights of the CPD round table.
Nothing puts a damper on the Olympic spirit than a dead child’s bullet ridden body lying in the street, outlined in chalk and surrounded by yellow crime scene tape. However it is unlikely that King Dick will give the IOC a tour of South Chicago. Not without an armored tank division providing cover fire anyway.
But hey, at least the IOC delegates will enjoy a freshly paved tour encompassing the giant silver bean. And if they are super lucky, a chance meeting with Oprah Winfrey and a special cell phone call from an enthusiastic President Obama who evidently will be representing the Chicago Olympic bid in Copenhagen later this fall.
Because in Dick’s Kingdom, nothing is more important than Chicago 2016.
And that includes the lives of our kids.
Mine. And yours.
{Crickets}
The Cubs, who may or may not have upgraded their team this off-season, did upgrade their radio booth with the addition of Judd Sirrott (nephew of Bob) as a replacement for Cory Povus. Povus, who joined the broadcast booth last January as a pre-game host, has moved on to Milwaukee to work along side Bob Ueker.
While there may be one or two Cubs fans crying in their latte’s over the loss, the majority will probably shrug and say.; “The who/what era is over?”
Sirott is an excellent broadcaster with deep Chicago roots. He should be a fine addition to the broadcasts and the team.
In Baltimore, former Cubs Felix Pie and Rich Hill are telling PHIL ROGERS (Chicago Tribune) that life is better there for them. I guess. No pressure to win, heck, not even a snowball’s chance. Plus, they are in a state that is so boring that the stadium is just a short drive from a county called Boring Maryland. That, ladies and gentlemen, is truly boring. Well, I guess that excessive media glare won’t be a problem any more.
On the south side, well, okay, at Camelback Ranch, the White Sox look to shore up their pitching rotation and maybe actually beat the Cubs before they leave. One, long time, Sox enthusiast recently told me that Ozzie could just throw darts blindfolded and field a winning rotation. Yes, there was beer involved in his prediction. And, no, it is not founded in reality. Even so, he does have viable options. All we can do is wait and see which ones he chooses.
Closer to home, The Bulls have guaranteed themselves a playoff berth and can even meet or exceed a .500 season. SAM SMITH and CHUCK SWIRSKY take a look at the current team.
The Bulls clearly are playing better than anytime in the last two seasons, and with more joy and enthusiasm than they’ve shown in two years. This group seems to enjoy playing together, and they seem to prefer the security of knowing they’re staying in the game. It seemed clearly the first part of this season the players were grating over Del Negro’s trial-and-error, experimentation, hey-I’m-a-new-coach rotation. Now there’s no question. Everyone has to play big minutes.
And it’s produced the most consistently aggressive and emotive play from Noah and Thomas, who most suffered from the ins and outs and whims of the new coach. The last two as well, come to think of it.
I think the enthusiasm they are showing for their jobs now transcends the fatigue, which often is more mental than physical and a result of feeling sorry for yourself. Now, the group seems excited about playing, and that is more likely to produce the raw energy so necessary to be effective in an NBA game.
And the Bulls have been.
In the same stadium, The Hawks have also secured themselves a playoff spot (must be something in the water at the UC) and, if the Stanley Cup started today, they would be A FOUR SEED. Quotes that used to be, CONSTANTLY, attributable to Hawks’ coaches now come from opponents. See below.
“I thought we did a lot of good things here tonight, but we also shot ourselves in the foot,” New Jersey coach Brent Sutter said. “Look at their last two goals - turnovers where you can’t turn pucks over.”
I, for one, am glad to see the “positives in this loss” mentality get lost in the past.
Meanwhile, the Fire continue to wonder which team Blanco will actually play for next year and the Bears continue to wonder “what if?” Or, maybe, “who’s in charge of Taco Tuesdays?” Whatever it is, it certainly does not seem to be anything about bettering this team.
So, that’s about it for now. CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!
Okay, I really don’t want to shoot the Bulls. I just wanted to take a little of your time to shoot the bull. I have been a Vinny Del Negro fan since the Bulls hired him. That has often left me manning a fan club of one. I realize that. However I have said before, and restate here, that a new head coach in the NBA needs at least 2 seasons (a season and a half in severe cases) to see whether he is a boom or a bust.
Moreover, on multiple occasions where he could throw a player under the bus, and God knows the Bulls have given him this opportunity more often than not, he has taken the high road. Either he put the blame on himself or assessed no blame at all. At least not publically.
To me, and my fan club of one, that is proof that he is a class act. The coaching and the rest will come. And, as the season has worn on, has seemed to develop. Not as quickly as many might wish, but there has nevertheless been progress.
As you may have surmised by the title of today’s blog, last night was Latin Night at the UC. That means it was something fun for the fans in attendance and meaningless for those of us limited to commercial breaks while all the cool stuff was going on.
That’s okay. Those people paid to be entertained, I sat on my fat butt in my boxers and ate Cheetohs.
RICK TELANDER (Sun Times) takes a look at the team’s development under the Paxon / Del Negro partnership.
Can you remember back to the start of this season? The Bulls’ opening-night lineup Oct. 28 featured Thabo Sefolosha, Luol Deng, Drew Gooden, Derrick Rose and Tyrus Thomas.
On Thursday against the Miami Heat, five months later, the only repeat starter was Thomas.
Yes, crowd favorite Rose would come in with 10 minutes gone in the first quarter, nursing a bruised right wrist. But this team has changed so much, you wonder if it is better than it was at the beginning, worse, the same or different simply for difference’s sake.
Well, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that the Bulls needed changes. They did not have any real chemistry and players seemed to be playing their own version of the game rather than anything coached. After those changes, the team seems to be gelling nicely. Compare that with, recent Bull, Andre Nocioni’s comments to Olé Magazine (Argentina), translated below, concerning his new team.
“There is no chemistry or team play (on the Kings). I do not see that in the near future this group may be competitive in the West (Conference). It will take several years. … Nor (is the draft) going to save anyone. I do not know. I will see what happens this summer.”
Far from the morass that has enveloped the Kings, Telander sees hope for the Bulls. As do I. However, he writes better than me so I’ll let him close this out.
At the end of the third quarter, the increasingly reasonable and ever-thrashing Joakim Noah kept a rebound alive through sheer hustle and dropped it to Rose, who no-looked an alley-oop pass to Thomas for a dunk and foul.
The players and fans went nuts as the Bulls stuck the dagger in the Heat for good.
‘’It’s important to know what your strengths and weakness are,’’ Bulls coach Vinny Del Negro said of the play. ‘’Joakim and Tyrus and Derrick are young players. They feed off each other. They did there. And they’re going to improve.’’
Two seasons ago, the Bulls swept the Heat in the playoffs. Last seasons, the Bulls stunk.
A new Bulls team is taking form. Time to rise up, kids.
Or, as they say on my block, “Toro!”