The very first useful phrase I learned while studying German back in High School was “es regnet.” It’s raining. I didn’t care about this pretty hat or that funny cow, I wanted to learn phrases that I would actually use. “Haben Sie Bier hier?” was the most important one I learned, but that was not taught to me in High School.
I got to thinking about that stuff as I walked through the rain to work and through the complex that houses my offices. As I tossed out a jaunty “Dzien dobry” to the Polish workers and a bouncy “Buenos días” to the Latinos that surround our building, it occurred to me that there are some bells that can not be un-rung. There are a lot of very different people here and they are here to stay. And these people are looking for new traditions to help them acclimate and to give them common ground. And they seem to have found one in baseball.
So, it is in that spirit of unity that I tackle today’s post.
The Cubs, projected division winners and shoo-ins for a World Series placement, are off to a 10-10 start and not impressing very many people. That is not to say that they won’t. They have the potential to score so many runs that they could win every game by a touchdown or more. Plus, despite some kidding around, they do have some high quality starting pitching. But consistency, oft rued as the hobgoblin of little minds, has been their foe this year thus far. One day you are thinking of handing out Silver Sluggers all around and the next you want to take a Louisville Slugger to their kneecaps.
What is going to happen to this team? Well, for whatever it’s worth, I think that they will pull this thing together. Despite the fact that, as PHIL ROGERS (Tribune) notes, they have made some trades this season that are not working out as planned.
The crushing playoff series losses against the Dodgers and Diamondbacks made last winter a huge time for Hendry. The early returns are alarming, to say the least. Here’s a progress report on Hendry’s three biggest 2008-09 transactions:
The Bradley signing: Early grade—F
***
The DeRosa trade: Early grade—F
***
The Jason Marquis trade: Early grade—D
***
Click his link above to read his reasons for each grade.
Even so, you couldn’t name the team that wouldn’t want their starting 3 pitchers and there has never been a Pinella lead team that didn’t learn defense. Figure by June they will be in front and starting to look like the team everyone expected them to be. After that, they’re on their own.
The Sox, projected cellar dwellers and expected to compete with the Royals for last place, find themselves a game over .500 (WHEW, THEY ARE ROCKING NOW! 
) and in a 3 way tie for first place in the Central Division. Despite all the pre-season talk about speed and situational hitting, this team is looking more and more like pitching and station to station hitting are what’s going to get them by.
What’s going to happen to them? I don’t see anyone running away with the AL Central. This is going to be a dog fight until October. But, for whatever masochistic reasons Ozzie harbors, that is exactly the kind of season that he flourishes in. The only thing is that the Sox are thinner than they thought and the next couple of weeks are really going to show a lot about this team. As MARK GONZALES (Tribune) reports, change is coming to the South Side whether they want it or not.
There may be little resemblance between the White Sox that beat Seattle 6-3 Wednesday and the squad that will open a three-game series Friday at Texas.
Jim Thome will test his left heel Thursday on the base paths to determine if he can avoid the 15-day disabled list, and center fielder Brian Anderson was in obvious discomfort after injuring a right oblique muscle.
And after Wednesday’s victory, backup outfielder Jerry Owens shook hands with a few teammates before carrying his athletic bag out of the clubhouse.
That could pave the way for a return by 2005 hero Scott Podsednik, who is batting .262 with one stolen base in 42 at-bats at Triple-A Charlotte.
The Sox said they won’t announce any roster moves through Thursday, but they will know more about Thome and Anderson before boarding a plane to Texas.
Nevertheless, the overall rotation for this team is taking shape nicely through fits and starts. Assuming not much else changes in the division, there is no reason the Sox can’t repeat as Central Division Champs in 2009. But, for the record, if they could win it in the allotted number of games and keep me off heart meds, that would be acceptable.
So, there you have it my baseball brethren, despite the rain, I see nothing but sunshine. And, before you send me those wonderful emails rife with misspellings and profanities, keep in mind I have been on a bit of a roll when it comes to Chicago teams this season. So, cut me some slack, watch the games and let me know in October how I did.
Lou Redwood: Jackie Moon is Flint’s favorite son. And he has done more for this city than any human being who’s ever lived on this planet!
Dick Pepperfield: With the possible exception of eh, Henry Ford… Jackie Moon has done a lot for this city, you’re right about that.
I was going to post a pic of Mr. Celtic Gangsta bellowing smack into the ear of a dejected Ben Gordon.
But if you are a Bulls fan, you already witnessed that little debacle. And kudos to Stacey King for calling it exactly the way it was during the conclusion of last night’s broadcast. Yeah, that’s right Garnett. Sit there all game long and then get brave and trash talk only once the game is at hand.
At least our guy was on the floor last night. Ben Gordon is a keeper. The guy is all heart with or without the painkillers required to sedate the throbbing strained hamstring. And he gave everything he had and then so more. Unlike Garnett, who sat on the bench and did nothing with the exception of chastising Gordon. No, I don’t give a damn if his knee was ripped out of its hinge.
Kevin Garnett is a cowardly trash talking worthless gimp. And my sincere apologies to those offended with the political incorrect assessment. And no, I don’t take any of those nasty adjectives back.
But all the matters is that the Bulls right now feel the same way. And I hope they do. To pull out Game#6 tomorrow night requires a little hate. Okay, how about a whole lot of hate? And it should be begin with Kevin Garnett. And then filter the rage towards Doc Rivers. Admittedly Rivers bitches and whines with more ferocity than Del Negro. For the love of God, Vinnie please put your hands down and out of prayer position when complaining to the officials. Shake those fists! Don’t plead with ‘em!
Rajon Rondo did what he was supposed to do. Of course, Rivers afterward had to rub the salt in the Bulls wounds by declaring it a “great foul”. And yes, it was. Too bad the officials didn’t make the proper call. It should have been a flagrant foul. Reverse the players in the situation. Rondo would get that call. But Brad Miller does not. Not last night, today, or tomorrow. Such is life in the NBA.
The stars were all aligned for Brad Miller to be the hero. And it was excruciating to watch Big Brad slowly barrel down the open floor to attempt that layup, dunk, short shot or whatever the hell he had in mind. Did I say slow? Yeah, really slow. As in watching Billy Bob chug down the field for the game winning touchdown (now you understand the Ali Larter obligatory photograph). Only Billy Bob delivered (in all of his former 300+ lb glory) while a dazed and bleeding Miller missed the first foul shot and failed to hit the rim on the second. And suddenly, it was point and match for the Celtics.
Cue Kevin Garnett’s courage...
I hate this Celtics team. Even more so than Joakim Noah. Game# 6 in the United Center should be a bloodbath. Garnett should be greeted with the same warmth as a midnight noire feline prancing around the Cubs on deck circle. Elliott Harris offered the following assessment:
Any resemblance between the Celtics as a championship team of last season and of this season is purely coincidental. Boston without Kevin Garnett is like what the Bulls would be if they had a player as good as KG but he would be sitting out the postseason. Gee, aren’t the Bulls fortunate not to have to worry about losing a player of that caliber.
Invite Milton Bradley to sit on the Bulls bench for Game#6. That should even out the verbal haranguing.
But let’s have a little fun here. Bulls win tomorrow night. And fast forward to Game#7. Justice would be a game winning shot from Brad Miller. The TD Banknorth Garden is silenced. Only the jaw belonging to Doc Rivers can be heard with an echoing thud against the floor. Kevin Garnett’s eyes begin to mist. A lot.
And just to rub it in a little more, Joakim Noah decides its time to jig. As in river dancing.
So Noah dances and dances. He weaves. He bobs. It is a spectacle to behold. He serves up a baffled and confused (also rather quiet) Kevin Garnett. The cowardly trash talking worthless gimp is so utterly confused that he pulls out his checkbook and donates a million dollars to the Asperger Syndrome Research Foundation. Anything to make the horror go away.
And Ben Gordon picks up the game basketball and hands it over to Brad Miller who promptly boots it into the rafters. The ball strikes the 2008 championship banner, tearing it down and smothering Doc Rivers’ entire team.
Good luck to the Bulls on their quest to killing off the hopes and dreams of a repeat championship for these ingrate leprechaun worshippers.
‘Cause like you said Kevin at the conclusion of last season, anything is possible.
Insert movie dialogue from outdated flick
Today, formulaic writing has perhaps disgraced its presence on the front page for the very last time.
No fun, my babe no fun
No fun, my babe no fun
No fun to hang around
Feeling that same old way
No fun to hang around
Freaked out for another day
Step 1: Check. Nobody reads it, so why bother? I guess I really mean “uncheck”.
Jay Mariotti, we miss you. Shed some wisdom over here, if you could be so kind.
Not sure why, but I get in trouble when I refer to NASCAR folks as dumb. That won’t deter me from skewering Bobby Allison, who is missing air in his tire when it comes to cars, spectators and danger.
Understandable Jay. The pain is shared. Some folks here think Joakim Noah is the greatest entity since sliced bread. They probably appreciate NASCAR as well. It takes a genius to make left hand turns for 500 miles.
Step 2: Bitch
The Cubs lost again last night. Any more injuries to this team, and Lou Piniella really will be filling out a lineup consisting of the Peoria Chiefs.
However, the season is still early. Cubdom will insist that 9-9 means nothing in April. Somehow games at the beginning of the year magically are less valuable to win than those in September. We really need to stop being so negative about Neal Cotts. It is not his fault that Jim Hendry keeps him employed as the lefty bullpen specialist incapable of throwing a strike.
No fun, my babe no fun
No fun, my babe no fun
No fun to be alone
Walking by my self
No fun to be alone
In love with nobody else
Step 3: Bitch Some More.
The White Sox are really not faring that much better. They as well are 9-9. The drums are beating slowly for the beheading of Jose Contreras.
However, the season is still early. Chisoxdom (?) will insist that 9-9 means nothing in April (doesn’t get more formulaic than re-writing the very same sentence huh?). Somehow games at the beginning of the year are less valuable to win than those in September. We really need to stop being so negative about missing Neal Cotts. It is not his fault that Ken Williams did not keep him employed as the lefty bullpen specialist incapable of throwing a strike.
Ozzie seems a little too subdued this season. He is starting to look frumpy. Kind of like a poor man’s younger version of Lou Piniella. A little Jay might restore some zest to Guillen’s life.
Oh yeah, what was Jay saving the world from again?
NASCAR crashes? Alright:
Every time the sport deals with a mainstream media crisis—the latest being the violent, special-effects-like Edwards wreck that sent debris shooting into the stands and injured seven spectators, one of whom was still hospitalized Monday—too many good old boys hunker down and resist common-sense advice from “outsiders’’ like me.
Gee Jay, I dunno if that is exactly true. I’m sure lots of southern good ol’ boys like your purty mouth.
Step 4: Link to the thread where you’re still bitching.
Well I really cannot do that because the policy of the website is not to provide Jay Mariotti any direct weblinks. After all, no links equals no money for Jay. Seems a little harsh. Hair gel is not cheap these days and a fella has got to pay the bills.
Well, maybe go out,
Maybe stay home
Maybe call Mom on the telephone
I’m already running out of steam on appraising Jay’s masterpiece over NASCAR car crashes.
Let’s talk about something else.
Why does Ozzie Guillen seemingly hate Venezuelans? Is it a Hugo Chavez political thing? Does Ozzie share the same contempt for Puerto Ricans? Or Mexicans? Can we at least agree on everyone hating the French? Mayonnaise on french fries is just disgusting. That indeed deserve global scorn. Even Kim Jong-il is appalled.
Oh yeah, we still need a web link to complete this formulaic drivel. I searched diligently for the most appropriate quote. This is what I found, courtesy of Celtics fan Steve Weinman (Blog a Bull):
One thing I do know. I’m adding Joakim Noah to the list of players that I simply don’t like seeing on the basketball court. Nobody wants to be called a “hater” but I guess you could label it that if you want. Here’s Noah in a nutshell to me: Take KG and all his antics and most of his energy. Remove almost all of the talent and beat him senseless with an ugly stick. That’s Noah (and that might be giving him too much credit).
Clearly Steve has no idea what he is talking about either. Joakim Noah is the greatest basketball player of all-time. And Michael Jordan knows it.
There really isn’t much point to continuing this further. Nobody really reads these posts. So I’ll post an old family chili recipe:
Ingredients
* 2-3 lbs pork roast (pre-diced pork works well for a faster preparation. Just brown with onions)
* 2 tablespoons cooking oil or lard or bacon grease
* 1 large chopped onion (not traditional) (optional)
* 1 head minced garlic (taste great, but also helps prevent heart burn)
* 6 tablespoons flour
* 1 (15 ounce) can tomatoes, drained
* 2 cups diced green chilies (I use Big Jims, roasted, peeled and frozen by the bushel every fall)
* 3 large tomatillos, husks removed and coarsely chopped (optional)
* 2-4 teaspoons jalapenos (optional)
* 5 cups water or chicken broth (broth is not traditional, but I like the flavor better)
* 2 tablespoons ground cumin (or to taste)
* 2 tablespoons ground chili powder (or to taste) (optional)
* 1 teaspoon salt
Directions
1. Simmer roast in a large pan until meat is tender and removes from the bone easily. (You can also use diced pork, or pork cube steaks (cut to bite size pieces), browned in the pot with the onion and garlic before adding the rest of the ingredients).
2. Cool meat enough to handle.
3. Cube cooked pork into bite size pieces.
4. Process 1/2 of the green chilies until smooth.
5. In the same large pan, melt the lard or bacon grease (or heat oil).
6. Add onions and garlic; sauté until tender but not brown.
7. Stir flour into the onion, garlic and fat until flour absorbs the oil or fat.
8. Add broth or water.
9. Cook and stir until mixture comes to boil and is slightly thickened.
10. Add cubed meat, drained tomatoes, chopped tomatillos, all of the green chilies and jalapeños if desired (taste first).
11. Add the spices a little at a time until you get the taste you like, bringing to a simmer before each addition.
12. Simmer for at least 1 hour (longer if you can afford the time), stirring occasionally to prevent it from sticking to the bottom of the pan.
13. If you want more of a stew type chili, add cubed potatoes 20 minutes before serving; serve with warm tortillas.
14. Serve over burritos and garnish with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and sour cream.
15. Leave pork out for a vegetarian green chili sauce.
The key ingredient is the meat. Yes, this is a pork based recipe. For best results, import it from Mexico. Don’t let a little inconvenient pneumonia and a bad case of diarrhea spoil your appetite. And it is rather low glycemic for the blood sugar dysfunctional. Obesity is frigging killing our society. This will cut off at least 10 lbs of body water per serving. Guaranteed. (*Disclaimer: These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. Tyrone’s family chili recipe is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.)
If only Jay Mariotti ate better. I’m somewhat surprised he has not yet filed a lawsuit against professional sports for force feeding him processed fast foods served in all those sports barns. No wonder he hides out in the bunker. Thank God for that cardiologist in New Orleans.
Well, come on, well, come on
Well, come on, well, come on
Well, come on, well, come on
Well, come on, well, come on
Another random thought that really has nothing to do with anything other than allow me to climb on a soapbox and… what was that word again? Bitch. Bitch? Right, thank you very much. What the hell was up with the White House deciding to buzz the old 9/11 haunts in New York City? In the very least, was Michael Bay able to capture this dramatic footage on camera? And when does 9/11 Part II makes its Hollywood premiere? Flashback to Top Gun:
Maverick: Requesting permission for flyby.
Air Boss Johnson: That’s a negative ghostrider, the pattern is full.
Seriously, how is the Mayor of New York not made aware of Air Force One buzzing his city? All this for a photo op? How much tax payer dough did that cost?
King Dick is pissed off. And he should be. This kind of stuff is supposed to happen in Chicago. Think about it. A breathless shot of Air Force One flying 10 feet above the Sears Tower (I don’t care what it is now called) would slam dunk the Olympic bid. That is enough excitement to give Oprah Winfrey her first orgasm since 1976.
Oh no. Damn. Fell out of the formulaic method. This is supposed to be displayed at the top.
No fun to be alone
No fun to be alone
Hang on, don’t let me go
No fun to be alone
Jay the Joke is dedicated to unifying true fans of all Chicago sports through their shared contempt of the daily offerings from writers who emulate Jay Mariotti. We’re also not too fond of Jay either.
Just re-read the website’s mission statement. Interesting. At no point does it mention unanimous unabashed homerism of all that is Chicago sports. Perhaps the admins need to get together and reconsider.
Must be one of those “Chicago things”.
A discussion of “what television shows do you watch other than sports” has never initiated here at Jay the Joke. I’m married. I usually get full advantage of the remote control. But sometimes it is necessary to flick the channel when Cotts is warming up in the bullpen. Here are 10 shows that have graced the Briggs household:
1. The Mentalist: Stupid CBS crap. But my wife loves it. I think she has a thing for white dudes wearing 3 piece suits. What the hell is the California Bureau of Investigation? Seriously, would any witness to a crime really stop and talk to someone flashing a CBI badge? On the plus side, the chicks are always wearing super tight pants and tops. On the downside, so are the dudes. Clearly this is show intended to keep all ilks of orientation satisfied.
2. The Tudors: Henry VIII was a badass. In today’s world, he would be Samuel L. Jackson with a veneral wart on his manly part. Best chicks ever on HBO. This is what Caligula aspired to be. And some poor peasant always gets his head lobbed off or tortured (the hot poker in the bottom was a bit much though) every episode.
3. Rome: Sadly, this series has ended. Pretty much the same as The Tudors. The guy who played Marc Antony gets to nail just about every actress on this show. And he clearly loves the role. Who could blame him? John Carpenter should be hired to script and direct Henry VIII vs Marc Antony in a time warp thriller a la Alien vs Predator. Just throw in all that naked babes and it will be an instant classic.
4. Two and A Half Men: Another favorite of the wife. Charlie Sheen scores a hell of a lot of MILFs on this show. But they need to stop feeding that kid. He needs to sample more pork chili and less fast food.
5. South Park: Keeps me sane. Most oft quoted program by yours truly here at Jay the Joke. This new season has been a huge bust.
6. Ghost Hunters: What a bunch of crap. Spooky night cameras with an overdubbed Marilyn Manson soundtrack to cover up all the supposed paranormal sounds and other miscellaneous alleged “activity”. If this group really wanted to be frightened, go investigate Jay Mariotti’s house.
7. Ghost Hunters International: Because it is sometimes boring to rewatch the same investigations being conducted in stereotypical white trash trailers so the Euro flavor of castles and dungeons is sometimes warranted.
8. Kitchen Nightmares: Gordon Ramsay is a douche that knows how to cook and kick ass in the kitchen. Every other word out of this wonker’s mouth is “F*ck” (happy Bill?). He really is one crazy son of a bitch. There is a BBC version of this show but it is pretty dry and boring. The American version is much more entertaining as the kitchens are grosser, the food* more despicable and chefs that would wash out of McDonald’s Hamburger University. One day Ramsay is going to attacked and killed by an irate kitchen staff. And they will serve the patrons my chili recipe with a unique pork substitute.
9. Deadliest Catch: Picture white trash on ugly ass boats bobbing around in the Bering Sea. These dudes are insane. They crab fish without taking breaks for about 4 weeks. Every episode is always good for some medical emergency such as “man overboard”, an 800 lb pot falling on someone’s head, fishing cleaver body dismemberment, and overdosing on Red Bull and cigarettes.
10. Ice Road Truckers: Sarah Palin must be offering free turkeys to the broadcasting corporation heads for all of these docudramas produced in Alaska. Picture Smokey and the Bandit hauling ass across 1 inch frozen ice.
And finally, no doubt that a lot of regulars here will follow Big Bad Bill’s lead on wearing the above shown thong. Yes, it is quite sexy. And perhaps appropriate to satisfyingly bind up the buttock cheeks while reading the front page. Assuredly, more than a few regulars here will require something of a XXXXL waistline capacity and not so much room in the front. Even during these dire economic times (all George W. Bush’s fault of course), everyone can shell out the $10 to purchase. Note to Bill: Gotta get these with the domain name... Here is the link to purchase. (Won’t that webmaster be scratching his head and nuts when reviewing the hits of the day)
Maybe send a few to Jay’s bunker as well. It is always nice to receive a “Welcome Back, We Missed You” present.
Because if Jay doesn’t come back soon to Chicago, Jay the Joke will implode from its narcissism.
And last but not least, the Blackhawks defeated those flamers from Calgary (wherever the hell that is?) last night. Good for the Hawks. Seriously, Chicago has not won a hockey playoff series since 1996. Remember 1996?
- US budget crisis in fourth month (Jan 3).
- Clinton approves resumption of many government operations (Jan. 6).
- Bob Dole sweeps primaries (March 5).
- F.B.I. arrests suspected Unabomber (April 3).
- Clinton signs line-item veto bill (April 9).
- President blocks ban on late-term abortions (April 10).
- Valujet crashes in Everglades; all 110 aboard killed (May 11).
- 747 airliner crashes in Atlantic off Long Island, N.Y.; all 230 aboard perish (July 17).
- Congress passes welfare reform bill (Aug. 2); approved by Clinton Aug. 22.
- Republican convention nominates Bob Dole and Jack Kemp (Aug. 14); Democratic convention nominates incumbents Clinton and Gore, who win the national election (Nov. 5).
- Clinton appoints Madeleine Albright as first female US secretary of state (Dec. 5).
Poor Bob Dole. He had no chance against BJ Clinton. However, he did make a crapload of money shilling ED drugs. And who would not want to get a Bob Dole like boner and be just like Bob Dole. Bob Dole wants to be like Bob Dole! Norm MacDonald has been unemployed ever since that election. Be careful what you wish for SNL, you just might receive it. How funny is it to lampoon St. Teleberry in the most tasteful politically way possible?
This post really had no relevance, did it? Oh well. That is why formulaic writing is valuable. Keeps one on track.
Have a great day!
My Vinny Del Negro fan club is now up to 3 members. Our newest member, whom we immediately made Secretary Treasurer due to the fact that he had a working credit card, summed it all up nicely; “Win or lose, they came to play.”
And that they did. For one and a half games. That is how long yesterday’s battle lasted. And it ended with a 121-118 victory for the Bulls. RICK MORRISSEY (Tribune) sums it all up nicely;
The best-of-seven series is tied 2-2, an astonishing development considering how poorly the Bulls played in a Game 3 loss at home.
The team that had rolled up and played dead three days before suddenly relocated its heart. And speaking of anatomy ...
Ben Gordon has what former Gov. Rod Blagojevich once referred to as “testicular virility.” We know this because Gordon grabbed his crotch after hitting a three-pointer to send the game into double overtime. You know, in case anyone didn’t understand the, um, guts it takes to hit a shot like that.
Either the NBA will fine Gordon or the FCC will. Or his mom will.
How tense was that second overtime? Simply put, in the bar I was in no one touched their drinks. They were glued to the screen, screaming and yelling and high fiving, but not drinking. Trust me when I say that to make this group forget their booze, you truly have to have their undivided attention.
Okay, we all have to admit that this team is slightly schizophrenic. That comes with youth. Rick takes a stab at figuring them out and then gives up.
So don’t try to understand this Bulls team. You’d have an easier time understanding “Beowulf” in the original Old English.
“We’re really living in the moment, enjoying this,” Noah said. “We’re playing on the biggest stage in the world at home in Chicago. ... I know there were a lot of ups and downs this year, and it just feels good to make people happy.”
If you enjoy seeing the future of the NBA, Sunday made you happy. Bulls rookie Derrick Rose and the Celtics’ Rajon Rondo, in his third year, went at it during regulation and put on an incredible show.
They took turns driving to the basket, going up and under bigger defenders and making all sorts of difficult shots.
Rondo had 25 points, 11 rebounds and 11 assists. Rose finished with 23 points, 11 rebounds and nine assists.
“It’s just fun out there when we are playing against one another,” Rose said.
5 doubles between 2 players. That is astonishing in and of itself. Now, if the Bulls’ team that played games 1, 2 and 4 would be kind enough to show up for game 5, this could get interesting.
Our very own Tyrone Briggs started a thread, so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!
Samson: I think I broke his f*ckin’ neck!
Announcer: I think he broke his f*ckin’ neck!
Team doctor: One side, one side.
[Examines injured player]
Team doctor: Get the ambulance! I think he broke his f*ckin’ neck.
Samson: See! I told you I broke his f*ckin’ neck!
The Detroit Lions rewarded Matt Stafford with the most guaranteed money in NFL history.
Makes perfect sense of course. The quarterback has yet to receive one snap in the pros.
Perhaps when Roger Goodell completes his mission of adjudicating the degree of sincerity in Michael Vick’s apology, the commissioner will find the time to implement a rookie pay scale. How far off are we from a future draft where teams refuse to participate in the upper half of the first round due to these dumb overinflated contract negotiations?
Jerry Angelo had himself one hell of a first day gold mining for future Bears. He unearthed Jay Cutler, the unheralded {cough} and seldom talked {cough} about starting quarterback from the Denver Broncos. Imagine that. A proven professional quarterback is a cheaper and more viable option than the Lions handing over Fort Knox to garner a good but hardly OMG! This guy is the next Joe Montana college football player.
Typically first round draft picks are coveted within the NFL ranks. Untouchable. And what happens when a work of art becomes appraised as being priceless? Simply put, unaffordable and not worth the risk. Especially for an organization still reeling from the embarrassment of a putrid drafting alumnus consisting of Spellman, McNown, Enis, Salaam, Benson, Terrell and Haynes. What about Grossman, you ask? The Sex Cannon has suffered enough, thank you very much.
When time was nearing for the Bears to pick at spot #49 of the draft yesterday, Angelo looked at the board and didn’t see the right names remaining for the amount of dough required to be shelled out. He must have recalled previous nuisances of rookie contract hold outs, bitchy agents, bitchy coaches wanting everyone in camp, and an even bitchier local media press encircling Halas Hall like sharks waiting to devour the next draft bust. He explains:
“Obviously it was an uneventful day today,” said general manager Jerry Angelo. “The key to drafting is filling your needs without leaving levels, and we were going to adhere to that throughout this draft.
“Unfortunately, the players that we targeted at 49 did not fall to us.”
So Angelo took a pass. And he traded away the pick to the Seahawks for a 3rd and 4th pick. It is doubtful he experienced any restless sleep over this move last night.
Jerry Angelo is dumb as a fox. He knows his future as the Bears GM depends upon a still maturing, diabetic starting quarterback that has been carousing Chicago’s bars and hanging out with the local chicks. In Dallas, at least the starting quarterback beds down a now thigh thickening Jessica Simpson (but hey, who the hell will ever forget that Dukes of Hazard bikini scene?). But here in Chicago, the best Cutler can do for now is an Internet pseudocelebrity with the relevance of Tron Guy and Dramatic Look Gopher.
Even still, Cutler is much closer to Sid Luckman and uhh 1985 Jim McMahon versus just about every other Bears starting quarterback. Angelo knows this. And he has thrown all his remaining career chips on the poker table that this offseason move, along with signing Orlando Pace, will placate the locals and garner a division title and return trip to the playoffs.
And if not?
Bye, bye Jerry.
Sometime today, the Bears will draft a receiver. And since I’m not a college football obsessed maven, I’ll bow to David Haugh’s suggestions for Angelo’s selection possibilities:
Three wide receivers still available—Juaquin Iglesias of Oklahoma, Louis Murphy of Florida and Kevin Ogletree of Virginia—fit the profile the Bears seek and would seem to have enough value to justify being chosen at that spot. Safeties still on the board that might interest the Bears at either No. 68 or No. 99 include Chris Clemons of Clemson and David Bruton of Notre Dame.
Any of these guys at wideout be the next Jerry Rice? I dunno. But could they do any worse than last year’s almost non-existent receiving corps?
Trading away first round picks in exchange for established pro talent. Avoiding second round picks by trading down in exchange for multiple lower round selections. Staying under the radar, protecting cap space and dodging first day, big college name, huge expensive contracts that quite possibly yield franchise destroying humiliation and a one way ticket to the unemployment line?
Jerry Angelo might be the NFL’s most astute executive. A revolutionary pioneer of our times. How to save face and keep your job.
If that doesn’t wake up Goodell and the owners to renegotiate a rookie salary cap/pay scale with the NFLPA, nothing will.