Once upon a time, in a surprisingly sober moment, I decided to ask the denizens of Jay the Joke to contribute to a cook book. It immediately turned into one of those ideas that kind of grew. Some people did contribute, however many asked a variety of questions that made me wonder if the government had shut down their meds.
“Can I send a naked picture instead?”
I, wisely in my opinion, said “no” to the nice gentleman.
I also demurred for any recipes that utilized illegal narcotics. Much to my surprise, only one of our members submitted such a recipe, but I ended up with 17 all total.
Anyway, the resulting recipes ended up totaling 16 pages of a wide variety. Some scare me, but all are worth a shot.
Besides the JTJ regulars, I would like to thank Dale Bowman, Chris De Luca and Elliott Harris for taking time out of their busy lives to contribute as well. They certainly added to the overall quality of the package. Use the link at the bottom of this post to get your free copy.
One recipe that did not make the cut is a Holiday classic. So, in an effort to get you in the right mood, I will share it below.
Jack Daniel’s Cookie Recipe
Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
1 cup of water lemon juice
1 tsp baking soda 4 large eggs
1 cup of sugar 1 cup nuts
1 tsp salt 2 cups of dried fruit
1 cup of brown sugar
1 bottle Jack Daniel’s WhiskeySample the Jack Daniel’s to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Jack Daniel’s again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer....Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the Jack Daniel’s is still OK, try another cup...Just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor… Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Jack Daniel’s to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jack Daniel’s. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Dack Daniel’s and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS %+\
Right click and save target as to get YOUR FREE COPY OF OUR COOKBOOK.
Once you’re done with that, CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!
Twas 3 nights before Christmas Eve, when all through the U.C.
Not a creature was cheering, not even Jerry.
The championship banners of yesterday were hung overhead with great care,
In hopes that young Derrick soon would be the second heir.
The Jay the Jokers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of 47 wins danced in their heads.
And Mrs. Briggs in her (never you mind), and I in my Briggs orange jersey,
Had just settled our “brains” for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the WGN there arose such a clatter from Stacey,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the big screen I flew like a flash,
Tore open Artest’s cognac and started chuggin’
The Kings were dancing over the new-crestfallen home team.
Overcame the lack lustre of the first half I see.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But the disappearance of a 35 point lead, and 7 dejected Bulls.
With a little tricky hair blow drying, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment the fault must lie with St Vince.
More rapid than vultures his haters they came,
And he cried, and muttered, and called out his players by name!
“Now Derrick! now, Joakim! now, Luol and Brad Miller!
On, John! On, Taj! On Kirk and where is Tyrus?
To the bottom of the Central! To the bottom of the Eastern Conference!
Now shoot with care! Grab down those rebounds! And don’t give the ball away!”
As the home team’s confidence erodes without a whimper,
The Bulls choke away their monstrous lead and into the history books they enter.
So up to the house-rafters the boos they cascade,
With a team full of quitters and doubters, and St Vinny too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard from the owner’s private box
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof. (left that one in, just sounds too damn funny)
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down to center court, Jerry Reinsdorf came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur (uhh ditto, leavin’ that one in as well), from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with beer thrown by fans.
A bundle of season ticket refund vouchers he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a banker, just opening his briefcase.
His eyes-how they teared! his frown how sorrowful!
His cheeks were pale, his nose was snotty!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a coaching contract he held tight in his hand,
And the dark cloud encircled above his head.
He had a sad face and a little round......,
That shook when he cried, like a sad Panda!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old owner,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And handed every fan back their money, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, poof! Vinny and his head full of hair, disappeared!
He sprang to his feet, to John Paxson gave a coach’s whistle,
And released Brad Miller, most likely to Charlotte.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he exited the U.C.,
“Happy Christmas to all, see you in NY and to all a good-night!”
I missed the first interception of the day but got the game on early enough to see the Bears down 7-0 in the first quarter. I glanced at the screen, looked at the formation and said, out loud, they are going to throw to the right. On the count of one-one thousand, the ball arced to the right and three Ravens defended the play. This kind of became our game for the day. I missed on one play (which my wife got right) and my buddies accounted for 2 more misses over 4 quarters. In the fourth quarter, in the red zone, Fox Sports highlighted Gregg Olsen standing on the right side and said “He’s going to get the ball.” They even drew a pretty red circle around him to emphasize the point. As the inevitable happened (well defended ball overthrown), it occurred to me that if fans and announcers were this good at predicting what the Bears play calls were going to be, how hard do you think it is for a trained NFL Defensive Coordinator to figure out?
Yes, Cutler has a lot of picks. He will now join the pantheon of Bradshaw, Favre, Manning (both of them), Blanda, Luckman, Starr and others who have lead the league in interceptions at one point or another in their careers. That is not a bad pantheon when you think about it. However, as I noted above, when defenses know exactly what is coming it isn’t that hard for them to defend it. Last week, against the Pack, Cutler started calling audibles. He lead the team down the field and they scored. In fact they did it twice. Then, suddenly in the 3rd quarter, something changed. While no one is saying anything, it appears that Ron “no, really, I’m good at this job” Turner took over the controls again and the offense once again became predictable.
Or, to be humorous about it, “offensive.”
Maybe humorous is too strong a word.
RICK MORRISSEY (Sun Times) watched the game from a spot in Cleveland. My guess is a bar. I watched the game in a bar in Chicago. It’s like we’re soul-mates, isn’t it?
I made it as far as Cleveland, which is farther than Jay Cutler and the Bears got.
Oh, I know what the historical record will show: that the Bears’ charter got through blizzard conditions to land in Baltimore on Saturday night, that the team witnessed snowdrifts the size of Jerry Angelo’s cluelessness and that players arrived in uniform Sunday at M&T Bank Stadium to play the Baltimore Ravens.
If Cutler and his friends have a sliver of sense, they’ll say they were abducted somewhere over Toledo and replaced by abominable football players.
Otherwise, they’re going to have to fess up to being the group of men that got the bodily fluids knocked out of them in a 31-7 loss.
There was nothing particularly surprising about the beating the Bears took. This is what they do. This is what they are. This is how it goes for a franchise that’s absolutely lost.
Before the game, Angelo denied a report that coach Lovie Smith definitely would be back next season. The Bears general manager said the organization would make a decision on its coach after the season but that victories would be a bigger factor than the $10 million Smith has left on his contract.
That’s excellent news for those of us who want Smith gone and for those of us who can’t understand why money would be a barrier in the coach’s case when it’s often not in deciding to waive players.
But the truly frightening part Sunday was that Angelo was carrying on as if he’s the one calling the shots. This is a man who’s in no position to judge anyone.
His handiwork was on display in a loss that dropped the Bears to 5-9. The way the Ravens have identified and developed talent makes Angelo & Co. look decidedly amateur hour.
It isn’t often that a writer can work a Dr. Strangelove reference into a game critique, but Rick’s a better than average writer and he was stuck in Cleveland. That setting alone will allow the mind to roam.
I have said before that everyone from Pep to Ted should be shown the door at the end of this mess. Even the remote possibility of Angelo attempting fix what he hath wrought ought to cause Bears’ fans to hit the whiskey bottles before breakfast. He is such a bad judge of talent that I am amazed I wasn’t drafted last year. Rumor has it that Tyrone and Slim were contacted.
Even so, one could hope that someone at Halas Hall could make a determination as to who stays and who goes. Rick politely explains why this is not so.
Trying to figure out who makes the final decisions for an NFL team shouldn’t be difficult, but with the Bears, it’s apparently nuclear physics. You’d think some McCaskey, any McCaskey, would step forward with an indication of the family’s mind-set on this very unacceptable season.
But, no. This is an organization that had to hire a search firm to hire its general manager—and the search firm ‘’found’’ Angelo, who had been toiling for a bad Tampa Bay organization for years. It was the same bad Tampa Bay organization that had been in the Bears’ division forever.
A person could get despondent thinking about it all.
Those of us who couldn’t make it into Baltimore or even Washington turned out to be the lucky ones. We didn’t have to deal with the two feet of snow, and we didn’t have to ponder the wretchedness of the Bears in person. We had the freedom to turn to paid programming on another channel.
The Bears had no pass rush to speak of, or at least to speak well of. For most of the game, Flacco looked like he was playing Wii.
I don’t own a Wii, but I have heard they are fun.
In all seriousness, it is getting depressing writing about the Bears. Bloggers on this site who usually clamor for football related news are following the off season baseball moves as though their lives depend on it. Even the jokes about the Bears have slacked off as people don’t even want to waste the brain cells required to make fun of them.
Yes, Virginia, this is a bad team.
You don’t need to be psychic to figure that out.
HA HA HA HA ..., you get the idea.
In no particular order, Brian Urlacher (middle LB of the future) was started at weak side for reasons that still baffle me. Chris Williams, (left tackle of the future) has been playing right tackle and not playing it very well. Devin Aromashodu (WR of the future) has started on the bench. Devin Hester (potential HOF return specialist) is playing at being a WR and not really impressing anyone outside his family. Any three running backs prior to Matt Forte. Oh, what the heck, may as well add in poor Matt Forte too. Pick any first round draft pick by Angelo and you pretty much have a complete set. We are talking about failure on an epic level. MIKE MULLIGAN (Sun Times) says that “In development league, Bears are in the cellar.”
There’s nothing wrong with player development. That’s what general manager Jerry Angelo usually says when asked about the Bears’ personnel issues with no picks in the first or second round in the upcoming draft and the free-agent market looking like a dud because of anticipated labor discord.
Of course, there’s something wrong with player development, mainly that the Bears don’t seem very adept at it.
Wide receiver Devin Aromashodu is an example. He was a late scratch in the season opener because of a leg injury and hasn’t been able to get on the field much, even when healthy.
Offensive coordinator Ron Turner said it’s just tough to break through when other guys start developing a chemistry. Quarterback Jay Cutler, who was openly petitioning for Aromashodu to get more playing time, was asked after an eight-catch, 76-yard performance by Aromashodu that included a touchdown reception if he needed to know more about him.
‘’I know what he can do,’’ Cutler said. ‘’I know everything that guy can do on a football field.’’
Why didn’t the coaches know? Why don’t the fans know? Why didn’t Aromashodu get more playing time earlier?
I will grant that Aromashodu’s 9.5 yard average would probably get him benched by the Saints or the Colts, but that isn’t the point. The point is that he represents an upgrade at a position that has been a rumor in this city for far too long. But it isn’t just the draft picks who flounder under Bears’ management, some trades aren’t looking all that hot right now either. Let’s take a look at Gaines Adams. Mike does.
The weird thing is Adams was acquired coming out of the bye week. The Bears were 3-1, and the second-round pick looked like it would be 53 or worse because the Bears thought of themselves as a playoff team. What will the choice end up being now? It’s too early to tell, but it’s likely to be the 41st, 42nd or 43rd overall. If you use the draft-value chart that Jimmy Johnson developed back in his days in Dallas, then the 43rd pick has a value of 470 points, and pick No. 53 is worth 370. The 100-point difference is the equivalent of a high fourth-round pick.
Adewale Ogunleye, team captain and starting defensive end, was asked if he’s concerned Gaines Adams will be given a start or two at the end of the season to speed up his development. Ogunleye is heading into free agency, and he might not be back in Chicago because he turns 33 next year.
‘’That’s not going to happen,’’ Ogunleye said.
And why not? Are we protecting a winning streak I missed? Are there still people at Halas Hall who have delusions of mediocrity and are seriously thinking about making the playoffs? Is there anyone with an IQ that rates higher than a kumquat even remotely thinking that the Bears have a chance to even be anything better than bad? They are in a 3 year quagmire and insist on repeating the same mistakes over and over again and, somehow, fans are supposed to maintain hope? Based on what?
It is almost as though the Bears just toss a dart at a board while blindfolded to see who will play where. My joke about Kruetz suddenly playing WR now seems more frighteningly real than not. Mike takes a look at that also.
When talk comes to player development, you have to wonder why so many guys seemingly are playing out of position, be it offensive linemen such as Chris Williams and Frank Omiyale, return man Devin Hester, nickel back Danieal Manning and the rest of the safeties. And why do Aromashodu and the Adams family struggle for playing time?
There’s nothing wrong with developing players ... or is there?
Clearly there is something very wrong at Halas Hall. If the best we can hope for is Ted Phillips’ caveat that “(Lovie) avoids losing streaks” (yes, he said that prior to this season) then the NFL may as well shut the team down. They aren’t playing football, they’re just playing at it.
"He was such a nice boy.” - Witness re: Ted Bundy
“He was always so nice and quiet.” - Family member re: Jeffrey Dahmer
“He was fun to be around.” - Survivor re: John Wayne Gacy
“I’m just a quiet guy.” - Milton Bradley
See a theme here?
The Cubs have unloaded Milton Bradley to the 8th team of his 10 year career. I will defer to the wisdom of Greg Couch (formerly Sun Times) from January 5, 2009.
The sales pitch is that he’s actually very good in the clubhouse. But please don’t kick the tires because he also got into a huge argument with his manager in Cleveland, and had to go. In Los Angeles, he called a teammate a racist, and had to go. In San Diego, he blew out a knee arguing with an umpire when his team needed him in a pennant race, and had to go.
That’s the consistent thing about Bradley: Wherever he is, he has to go.
The Mariners become the next in line to hope that Malignant Milty’s batting average will exceed his implosion ratio. Seattle blogs are so happy to have dumped Carlos Silva and his bloated belly and contract that they haven’t really looked at the ramifications of this trade. That is good for Chicago since that means no one got in the way of this deal.
Now that he is gone we need to step back and see what the Cubs got. Carlos Silva falls into the category of “better than a sharp stick in your eye.” But, not by much. Watching Silva waddle to the mound and throw batting practice during games is not awe inspiring. Well, it is in a way, but not a good way.
Quite honestly, I see Silva sitting on the bench and the Cubs doing all in their power to keep him off the mound. I know that there are articles claiming he will compete for the 5th starter spot. Whatever those writers have been partaking in it needs to be shared with the class. Because, when all is said and done, Carlos Silva is a very bad pitcher.
Not double digit ERA bad, just consistently bad enough to blow every game he is in. The Sox found out last year how demoralizing it is to have a team know that every 5th day they got a “L” before the first pitch was thrown. Anyone who thinks that Lou Pienella will gladly accept that missed a memo about him. Say what you will about him, he wants to win and he knows how to given the tools.
Yes, you can laugh here, we all know that Milton was the biggest tool Lou ever got.
Anyway, I am off to go shopping with my mother in law. No jokes here, I am one of those guys who happens to love his mom in law and refuses to fall for the usual petty jbes. Our very own very own brand of chemotherapy, Tyrone Briggs, has already started a thread about the removal of the cancer, so CLICK HERE TO SHARE THE JOY!