Last night, it was supposed to be cold. It wasn’t.

Last night, the Cubs were supposed to lose. They didn’t.

Last night, the Sox were supposed to suffer a letdown after a tough set of wins. They didn’t.

So, let’s take a look at what actually happened last night. PAUL SULLIVAN (Tribune) takes a look at how the Cubs fared once they benched Soriano.

After Derrek Lee hit .189 with one home run in April, some Cubs fans cried for his benching.

But Lee has been on fire since, and he hit two home runs with a career-high seven RBIs Thursday night in a 9-5 victory over the Brewers in the opener of a four-game showdown.

“Keep going,” Lee said. “Just about trying to help the team win. Tonight’s a great night, but we’re right back here [Friday afternoon] and it’s another big game.”

The Cubs moved back to .500 at 38-38 and are now within 2 1/2 games of the Brewers and Cardinals, the division co-leaders after Thursday’s action. The 11-game homestand against Milwaukee, Atlanta and St. Louis could be a pivotal point of the season, so it was crucial for the Cubs to get out on the right foot.

So, that was good. Hopefully some, if not all, Cubs’ fans will come in off that ledge for a while. Oh, and the Soriano benching, it was done just because Lou said so.

Coming off a 3-7 trip, Piniella decided to do something he hasn’t done before in his 2 1/2 years as Cubs manager.

He sat Alfonso Soriano for the second straight game even though Soriano was healthy and said before the game he was ready.

Rookie Sam Fuld, Soriano’s replacement in left field and in the leadoff spot, reached base three times, going 2-for-4 with one walk and two runs scored.

Piniella said Soriano would play Friday but didn’t discount the idea of moving Fuld to center or right field.

Pitcher Randy Wells has called this year’s model of the Chicago Cubs the I-Cubs, as in the Iowa Cubs. As the rookies continue to hit, field and pitch and the veterans don’t, Jim Hendry may end up having the excuse he needs to get some head room in the budget after all. Assuming there are any takers, that is.

On the south side, A.J. Pierzynski asked Mark Buehrle to alter the grip on his sinker since it was cutting too much. The result? 8 1/3 innings of nearly perfect baseball.

DOUG TUCKER (Sun Times) brings us up to date.

‘’I had everything working,’’ said Buehrle (8-2), who raised his career mark against Kansas City to 20-8. ‘’I changed my sinker grip in the bullpen because the last two or three games, it’s been cutting instead of sinking. So I moved my fingers closer together, and I think it was probably one of the best sinkers I’ve had in a while.’’

Buehrle failed to get his first complete game since May 2, 2008, when Alberto Callaspo doubled and scored on David DeJesus’ one-out double. He was relieved by Bobby Jenks, who got the last two outs for his 19th save in 21 chances.

The White Sox have won 10 of 12 and 14 of their last 19 on the road.

That was good too.

Last night, the play that held my attention happened in the 8th. Thome doubled and moved to third on Konerko’s single. A.J. hit into a double play but Thome scored to make it 2-0 Sox at the time. However, it really looked as though a squeeze play of some sort was on. Hit and run? Voodoo something? I don’t know. I don’t care. Whatever it was, Thome was off at the crack of the bat. Even if the Royals had thrown home I think he would have made it. So, I guess what Ozzie said is true; “If they don’t run, they sit.”

If Ozzie is going to run Thome on a possible steal of home, then it really is going to be an interesting season on the south side, that’s for sure. Oh, and just FYI, both the Cubs and the Sox are 2½ games out of first.

We’re going to take the weekend off to be with our families and loved ones and, in some cases, both. So, from all of us to each of you, have a Safe and Happy Fourth of July!

CLICK HERE TO TALK ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

Yesterday, a little after 4 PM, I stopped by a local watering hole to get some ..... water. It took me a second to reconcile what I was seeing with what my mind was expecting. There was a TV on, but instead of the news, they had interrupted it to update everyone on the Hawks’ free agency dealings. YOU CAN DISCUSS what you think of the moves themselves by clicking the afore-posted link.

But, seriously, no Afghanistan, no Turkestan, no Stan’s at all except for Polish guys with broken teeth and fiery slap shots. If you did miss the memo, then yesterday was a blunt force reminder; hockey is back in Chicago and its fans are relevant again.

After watching Dale Tallon answer question after question and realizing that the questions were actually meaningful, I just sat back to let it all soak in. Yesterday was a testament to just how far the Hawks have come in 2 years and how much further they plan on going. Get used to it Hawks fans, your team doesn’t suck any more.

Speaking of suck, ‘ow bout dem Cubs?

Okay, sorry, that was a cheap shot.

Last night the Cubs finally won a series. Yes, it was against the bottom feeding, perennially overmatched, 3A Pirates, but wins are wins no matter who they are against. One thing that caught my attention during the broadcast was when the idea of whether the Cubs will be buyers or sellers come trade deadline was mentioned. I can’t see how they can seriously be either.

There are only four contracts the Cubs can unload that would allow them to make any real changes; Soriano, Fukudome, Bradley and Zambrano.

The first three, as of this writing, aren’t worth a bag of balls combined. No team in their right mind, not even the Orioles, is going to take on any of those huge contracts. Especially with players who are not exactly impressing anyone this year. Not even their families. Like it or not Cubs’ fans, they aren’t going anywhere. That leaves Big Z.

Now, no matter what you think of him, he has posted a winning record season after season. If you give him up you are giving up 14 wins, or more, each year. It isn’t like there is a plethora of unsigned, or free agent, Cy Young contenders waiting for a call from Jim Hendry. These guys are on teams and, for the most part, those teams aren’t going to give them up. Peavey for Zambrano? That is one I have heard from fans a few times. But, it’s a non-starter since that puts San Diego right back in the financial hole they are trying to get out of. The only way it could work is if the Cubs eat about half, or more, of Big Z’s contract, and we all know that ain’t gonna happen.

In other words, the team you see now is pretty much going to be the team you get. Yes, there may be more call ups or benchings, but there will not be any substantial changes this year.

On the south side, things are slightly less stressed. Over a crucial 16 game stretch the Sox have gone 12-4. They are rapidly becoming one of those teams that can have a team average of around .260 and beat you anyway. Defense and pitching have been really stepping up (for the most part) and each day seems to find a different use for situational hitting that works. Ozzie’s promise to make this team run more on the bases is exactly what they need to do.

Hell, he threatened to run A.J. last night. If this keeps up, look for Thome to get his second steal during the regular season as a member of the Sox. He got his first last year.

More importantly, this is a team that has gone from 10 under .500 to 3 games out of first place in, just over, a month. In baseball terms, that is a Hollywood styled U-turn in a chase scene, complete with squealing tires, non-specific gun fire and braless eye candy in the passenger seat. Yes, it is that exciting.

MATT O’DONNELL (MLB.com) fills us in on the facts.

Sweeps, especially on the road inside your division, aren’t supposed to be this easy.

But for the third consecutive game, the White Sox breezed past the Indians on Wednesday. This time, it was a 6-2 victory at Progressive Field. The South Siders got another good start from Jose Contreras and, led by his battery mate, Ramon Castro, continued their offensive outburst to extend their winning streak to a season-high five games.

Just how dominant were the White Sox? Chicago outscored Cleveland, 23-9, and outhit them, 37-17, in the first sweep of the Indians since 2005.The White Sox are now a season-best two games over .500 and have won seven of their last eight games to creep back within three games of the division-leading Tigers.

“Since 2005.” **sigh** Yeah, that made me smile too.

Also bringing a smile to my face was this gem from a buddy last night; “Now both teams on Madison just got better than Detroit.”

CLICK HERE TO SHARE YOUR HAPPY THOUGHT!

I ASKED THIS QUESTION earlier in the forums, but thought that it might be a good piece of water cooler fodder for you folks who just read the front page.

Why can’t women play professional baseball?

While there is a lively discussion going on inside, I brought this up to a friend of mine who works as a scout for MLB. After some chuckling he gave it some thought.

“Well, certainly a woman could play any infield position, assuming she could hit. And, given some of the loser arms I see playing the outfield these days, I doubt that there would be a drop off there either. Pitching and catching might be an issue, but only because we don’t develop young women. I would guess that they would stand a decent chance given some training.”

We talked some more about how women tend to play “Ozzie-Ball” (lots of bunts and running) and noted that the steroid monsters are slowly fading away, so it might happen in our lifetimes.

So, my question still stands. Or, maybe it should be rephrased to “Why don’t they?”

Oh well, enough about the kind of game baseball could be and on to the kinds of games we actually witnessed last night.

The Cubs got beaten by future Cy Young winner, Ross Ohlendorf (don’t let his gaudy 4.41 ERA fool you) last night in Pittsburgh. The Pirates, who posted their first winning record in June since 1996, got out of the month with a 14-13 tally on the register thanks to the Cubs. While the Pirates needed the win to achieve their goal, the Cubs chances of posting a winning record in June were nil when they got to Pittsburgh. They posted an 11-14 record this month. Two wins wasn’t going to cut it.

The Cubs added to their woes by getting shut out for the 8th time this season, matching their entire total for 2008. WAYNE STAATS (MLB.com) fills us in.

Offensively, the Cubs were dominated by Ross Ohlendorf. In his first career start against the NL Central rival, Ohlendorf held the Cubs to four hits. Chicago finished with six on the night and went 0-for-5 with runners in scoring position, stranding seven on base.

“I think we’ve forgotten how to hit,” manager Lou Piniella said. “I think that’s the problem. I think we’ve forgotten how to hit, especially with men on base.”

But, since the Cubs are the Cubs, they did not give up the wining run on a home run or nifty single or anything like that. Nope, the runner scored from second on a passed ball.

The only run the Pirates needed came in the fourth inning, when Freddy Sanchez scored on an error. With two out and a runner on first, Andy LaRoche singled to left to set the stage for the atypical play. Although Brandon Moss struck out swinging, the ball got away from Geovany Soto on a wild pitch from Ted Lilly, and Sanchez raced home from second. The Cubs almost got the out at the plate, but Soto’s throw got away from Lilly.

On the south side, the Sox faced a legitimate Cy Young contender in Cliff Lee. His 2.21 home ERA is one of the lowest in the league and he is a dominating pitcher 99% of the time. Yesterday was his 1%. MATT O’DONNELL (MLB.com) fills us in.

The South Siders defeated the Tribe, 11-4, on Tuesday at Progressive Field after waiting through three rain delays before the game was finally called in the top of the seventh. It was their second blowout of Cleveland in as many nights.

Every player got a hit for the Sox, and starter Clayton Richard did enough to hold off the Tribe offense to give Chicago its sixth win in seven games. The White Sox are now a game over .500 for the first time since May 2.

WOW! A whole game over .500 and people were buying me drinks. Well, that is a perfectly acceptable way to celebrate as far as I’m concerned. But, I am not sure celebration is called for just yet.  Nevertheless, this win guarantees their third winning series in a row and is the first showing of consistent signs of life we have seen this season.

Oh, and just for fun, I should note that Ozzie sat almost all his big bats last night so he could get a game of Ozzie-Ball in.

Lastly I am going to take a look at the horribly flawed Sports Illustrated poll that came out. It lists Lou and Ozzie as the two managers players would least like to play for. What is the flaw you ask? They sent the questionnaire to 380 players. Not all responded. Moreover, of those that did respond, some are saying that was the one question they didn’t answer. Had they posted the number of respondents versus the number of questionnaires sent, then the poll could be taken with some measure of seriousness. As is, it is just another example of why sports fans are dropping SI as their source for sports information (they have lost 31.3% of their online readership in the last year alone).

CLICK HERE TO ASK YOUR OWN QUESTIONS!

CAROL SLEZAK (Sun Times) today gives Lou Piniella 2 weeks to keep his job. Well, as long as no one is overreacting ...... 

They might catch fire any day now and reel off a streak that shoots them straight to the top of the National League Central. But let’s not kid ourselves. To date, the Cubs have been the biggest underachievers in baseball.

We’ve watched them stumble all season long, showing more spark while bashing a Gatorade dispenser than they ever have on the field. They are a bunch of hotheads prone to mental mistakes. They are desperate for leadership. Unfortunately, Lou Piniella, the man charged with providing that leadership, seems as lost as his players. He just isn’t getting the job done. If the Cubs can’t turn it around before the All-Star break, it will be time for a change at the top.

Okay. Let’s assume for a moment that I have completely lost my mind and agree with her. HEY! You didn’t have to do it that quick. Anyway, if Lou goes, who comes in? It isn’t like there are a ton of experienced managers with winning records just waiting for that call.

Maybe Bob Brenly. Sure, that would be fun from a performance art perspective, but I am not sure how good it would be for the team. After that you get a lot of 3rd base coaches who would be shots in the dark. Maybe one is the answer, maybe not.

Or, do you give Ryne Sandberg the chance he has always dreamed of? I ask you to keep in mind that he has a losing record as a minor league coach, no matter how much or how many fans love him. But, Carol is not here to offer solutions, just to toss crap against the wall and see what kind of pretty pictures it makes as it slides down.

Piniella didn’t assemble this group of underachievers. Not officially. But you can be sure he had a hand in helping general manager Jim Hendry shape the Cubs’ $140 million roster. From his vocal desire for a left-handed bat, which resulted in the acquisition of the troubled Bradley, to his apparent willingness to part with Mark DeRosa, Piniella has the team he wanted. Supposedly, it was built for October. But at the rate the Cubs have been losing, they won’t even make the playoffs.

Well, close enough for modern journalism I guess. While it is true that Piniella asked for a left handed bat, he never once asked for a complete head case who plays defense like he has holes in his glove. Though he said all the nice things when Bradley got signed, you had to wonder then if he wanted to throttle Hendry. Lou has never liked problem players. He is akin to Ozzie in that regard.

Inner fire? Yes. Molten lava spewing rampant destruction at random targets? Nope.

Carol does note that it is not Lou’s fault that the team can’t seem to find a baseball with a guide dog, then notes that it kind of is since, after all, he was once a hitting coach. I should note that he also played some infield in high school. Maybe he should just demote himself and concentrate on his strengths.

But clearly, all facts aside, what has happened is that the team has given up on Lou since the club has such a long history of post season success ..... I’m sorry, not even I can go further with a straight face. But she can.

When Piniella arrived in 2007, there was no doubt he was in charge. When he led the Cubs to 97 wins last season, there was no doubt he was in charge. But he has seemed lost this season. Is he burned out, sick of the managerial grind? Has he failed to recover from the Cubs’ second straight three-and-out postseason experience? Has the pressure of trying to lead the team to a World Series taken its toll on him?

I can’t answer these questions. But I know for certain that the 2009 Cubs shouldn’t be struggling to play .500 baseball. If c can’t motivate this team, the Cubs need to find someone who can.

These questions, and many others, could have been answered simply. She could have asked Piniella, or talked to couple players off the record. Of course, that would require work, which is clearly beyond her.

In closing, the Cubs and the Sox both beat bottom dwellers yesterday, which is a good sign. Those are the teams you have to beat.

CLICK HERE TO CHAT ABOUT LOU.

First off, a quick shout out to TONI GINNETI (Sun Times). She is rapidly becoming one of my favorite writers. And, while we are not referencing her today, I didn’t want that little fact to get lost in the shuffle.

Now, on to the fun.

Yesterday saw the Sox accomplish something they have not done in over a month; they won 2 home series in a row. More importantly, they gained a little ground on the division lead which no longer looks like it is lost over some distant horizon.

It also saw the ‘perfect mixture of maturity and fire’ implode again and drop two games below .500. You do remember that this was the package Cubs fans were sold this year as the team became odds on favorites to win their third division title in a row?  RICK TELANDER (Sun Times) takes a look at the “big dog” status of the Cubs.

Sox pitcher John Danks was smoking (no, not Geovany Soto-style smoking), the Sox pounded out 13 hits—including home runs by Alexei Ramirez and Jermaine Dye—and the South Side boys did enough little things to drive the Cubs half-crazy with anxiety and frustration.

A metaphor comes to mind: The Cubs are a big, nervous, pedigreed dog snapping its jaws frantically; the Sox are a sly alley cat, claws out, riding the dog’s back.

My wife and I are owned by a couple of cats. I have seen one of them rip a pit bull apart by doing exactly that. So, while mildly imperfect (no one really thinks of Thome when they think of ‘feline grace’) it is an apt analogy overall.

As the National League’s first ever DH, Milton Bradley, continues to make people wonder what kind of photos he has of Jim Hendry, the team seems to have even more pressing issues.

A bigger issue is that the Cubs have two high-maintenance, high-strung head cases at their core—Sunday’s starting pitcher Carlos Zambrano being the other—while the Sox have an all-for-one mentality of near-equals.

A display of this came in the sixth inning, when Sox manager Ozzie Guillen called a suicide squeeze that sent Chris Getz flying toward home plate. The play unnerved Zambrano, who threw wildly to his unsuspecting catcher Soto, with the ball getting away and Getz scoring easily. Big Z then hit Dewayne Wise and walked Scott Podsednik before Piniella could yank him from the game.

Or, as my wife asked; “Aren’t they supposed to miss the bat person?” Why yes, honey, they are. But Big-Z doesn’t seem wired that way. For all his barking and finger pointing he seems to lose focus of the game pretty easily. And we all know that every scout is now telling their teams how to rattle him.

Yeah, I know, more good news for northsiders.

In keeping with the ‘add insult to injury’ theme that seems to be going on here, the (tied for first place) Cardinals just upped the ante by snagging Mark DeRosa from the Indians. For a manager like Tony Larussa, who likes to make fielding moves, this was a gift from the gods. DeRosa can play every infield position and, as noted last night on ESPN, will play anywhere but pitcher if asked.

Don’t yell at me. You can write to Jim Hendry in care of the Chicago Cubs, Wrigley Field, 1060 West Addison, Chicago, IL. 60613-4397.

So, for now, the Crosstown Classic is behind us and we can get back to the business of watching our teams vie for their respective division titles. Only time will tell if our favorites hit the post season as Big Dogs or in the Dog House.

CLICK HERE TO BARK WITH US!

Batman: You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. I can do those things because I’m not a hero, like Dent. I killed those people. That’s what I can be.
Lt. James Gordon: No, you can’t! You’re not!
Batman: I’m whatever Gotham needs me to be.

Be honest.

Did you really waste a gorgeous Sunday afternoon watching today’s galactic interleague Cubs vs Sox fiasco?

What a pity.

Stupid me, I was with the family this afternoon. Recently, I’ve learned it is not enough to simply write and hopefully induce a little provocative discussion. Name, rank and presumptive serial number is becoming a requirement around these parts. So here we go. If this bores you, simply skip to the next paragraph. After all, this is to appease nosy inquiring minds. The family (yes, I have one) enjoyed a little fun in the sun at the local water park. Weird new rule - no cameras or phones are allowed. That must be a great disappointment to those that wish to take pics of others and post them on the “gotcha” revealing websites.  Afterward, we had hamburgers over the grill and cherry ice cream for desert. So when the kids were bathed and put to sleep (usually an exercise of futility), I browsed the web for the score.

6-0 for the good guys. And if you have to ask who the good guys are, shame on you once again.

Evidently, the local press has temporarily bought into the Lou Piniella buddy embracing tear jerking coming together with Malignant Milty. How touching. I can only picture a sobbing Edward Norton’s head being crushed in the confines of Meat Loaf’s lactating man boobs. Quite the image, huh? So as quickly en vogue it was the rip apart the piece of sh*t (and admittedly, it was fun and continues to be so), the press (hello Phil Rogers) has a new knock down mental midget bobo doll to mangle.

Enter Baby Z. And he is clearly infected by Malignant Milty. No lab tests this time required.

Perhaps Dr. Lou has enough chemo left to start the intravenous drip into the big vein of the million dollar arm - two cent melon of a starting pitcher. 

The Cubs better have a great private insurance plan. All this cancer treatment has gotta be expensive. And how nice for the Malignant Twins to have immovable contracts. Cancer is a terrible pre-existent condition to have stapled onto the next team’s private insurance carrier’s application. Renders one practically uninsurable. Soriano in particular, must really feel relieved.

Evidently, Baby Z went ass hunting today with his fastball. Supposedly, that is a little safer than aiming for the head but derrieres may feel otherwise during tomorrow morning’s ritualistic visit to the procelain throne.  Word to the Wise: better check for a floating baseball prior to flushing. Otherwise, a phone call to the plumber will be in order.

Today’s game has all the markings and trappings of a Jay Mariotti column* to appear over at AWOL Nuthouse in the very near future. Hell, it might be up already. How could Jay resist? Baby Z melts down like a two year old sitting in a poop filled diaper, Ozzie with the usual quote of the day (and a dead accurate one at that), Lou facing a paradoxical situation with Z after the much ballyhooed fertilizer dump over Malignant Milty’s cranium and the best part of all........

Mark De Rosa is a St. Louis Cardinal.

Woo! Woo!

Hopefully, Jim Hendry cell phoned his cardiologist for a quick EKG study. Never can be too careful these days for fellas over 50 with ticking time bombs in their chests. Why did it have to be Billy and not Vince?

Now can anyone doubt that God truly hates the Chicago Cubs?

Jay’s keyboard is taking a pounding that only Vinyl Ben has previously endured. How sad.

Phil Rogers has already weighed in on Baby Z’s future with the Cubs. And apparently, this town’s WBC lovin’ baseball writer has seen enough of Z’s antics:

Proving that I did not attend Kellogg, Wharton or even the Acme School of Business, I offer this proposition for Jim Hendry: First thing Monday morning, put Zambrano on waivers. If anyone claims him and the $62.75 million left on his contract which runs through 2012, immediately trade him for whatever is being offered, from a bag of balls to a 32-year-old minor-leaguer.

Geez, what gives Phil? Did another Gatorade container meet its demise or something?

Somewhere out there, Malignant Milty (when not searching for another host body to infect) is screaming “Unfair!” And you know what? If Lou Piniella does not address this situation, the little $30 million tumor just might have a valid point.

If so, then the sh*t will really have hit the fan in the Cubs clubhouse. With or without Sox attendants of course.

What a colossal mess.

Has last season’s no hitting, home run swinging future 20 game winning heroic Wrigleyville pitcher now turned into villainous cancer? Could Baby Z now be more despised within the ranks of the Friendly Confines than the newest member of the hated Cardinals?

I guess there is still reason to tune into Len and Bob’s corporate friendly broadcasts to breakdown the remaining 90 games or so left in this season from hell.

But please, no baseball (like what we are witnessing this season) on days like today.  And I was led to believe that the CIA was under orders by Congress and the President to cease and desist all forms of extraneous torture?

Just watch. A baseball Czar will be appointed to protect Gatorade jugs from irate Cubs. Enough is enough and change must be mandated for Gatorade’s best interests.

But as for the rest of us? Perhaps it is time to flick off the tube and get a little fresh air. After all, who could honestly deny not needing about 95% more diet and exercise?

The weather is still tax free unlike our soon to be satellite and cable bills (isn’t it great that all television is digital now?).

Better to enjoy those little free moments with the family while one can.

Yes, change has come in many shapes and forms. However, one can always count on the Cubs for one fundamental constant in this grand universe.

Wait until next season. 

Addendum - I caved. And crawled over to the outer limits of cyberspace. Indeed Jay true to form pounded one out. But I did write this draft before checking. Nothing more damning then being called a fake or a fraud, hence this final wording. Hopefully my manhood remains intact. And if not, go to hell.

Da Nang Hooker: Hey, baby. You got girlfriend Vietnam?
Private Joker: Not just this minute.
Da Nang Hooker: Well, baby, me so horny. Me so HORNY. Me love you long time. You party?
Private Joker: Yeah, we might party. How much?
Da Nang Hooker: Fifteen dollar.
Private Joker: Fifteen dollars for both of us?
Da Nang Hooker: No. Each you fifteen dollar. Me love you long time. Me so HORNY.
Private Joker: Fifteen dollar too beaucoup. Five dollars each.
Da Nang Hooker: Me sucky-sucky. Me love you too much.
Private Joker: Five dollars is all my mom allows me to spend.
Da Nang Hooker: Okay. Ten dollar each.
Private Joker: What do we get for ten dollars?
Da Nang Hooker: Every t’ing you want.
Private Joker: Everything?
Da Nang Hooker: Every t’ing.
Private Joker: [to Rafterman] Well, old buddy, feel like spending some of your hard-earned money?

Is there an oncologist in the Cubs clubhouse?

Evidently so. Manager Lou Piniella doffed off old #41 and exchanged it for a white coat and a stethoscope.

Nurse Hendry.... administer the chemotherapy stat! And have a surgeon on standby asap!  The tumor must be excised immediately before it spreads further!

Cancer is indeed a royal bitch. It contributes nothing toward its host living entity. It deprives nutrients and reorganizes blood supply. And it grows and grows and grows until it kills the very host it depends upon for survival.

But don’t take my word for it.

Listen to Principal Victoria:

I was diagnosed seven years ago. Cancer is… pure evil. It is a fat little lump that needs to be… destroyed. [turns and faces Wendy. Outside is the faculty parking lot] When there is a cancer, you have to “fight” it. You can’t reason with cancer, you can’t wish it away. Cancer doesn’t play by the rules, so neither can you.

Milton Bradley is a fat little lump in the Cubs clubhouse. And Dr. Lou needs to eradicate this fleshy diseased mess immediately.

Malignant Milty seemingly was feeling pretty sorry for himself prior to yesterday’s game. Evidently, Nurse Hendry took away his very best Cubs friends. And that left the lump lonely and hungry for fresh tissue to invade:

“We just don’t have that bond,” he replied. “‘D-Lee’ is cool. He’s quiet. But things change. I had a good rapport with [fired hitting coach Gerald Perry]. I trusted Gerald and I could talk to him, and he’s gone. I think I clicked with [ex-Cub outfielder Joey] Gathright, and he’s gone. So you just kind of feel like you’re on an island, and trying to stay afloat.”

What a load of bullcrap. Seriously, poor Malignant Milty is all alone because Gathright and Perry have moved on? And pray tell us what lifelong friendships were developed from 7 teams in a little over 9 seasons? Doesn’t Jeff Kent return those phone calls?

.237

That is most relevant lab number pertaining to the Cubs part time DH/full time diseased nuisance. Nurse Hendry only wished that a contagious sexually transmitted disease was the consequence of jumping into bed with this prostitute for $30 million dollars while leaving the still sealed rubber in the box by the night stand. But in typical Cubs fashion, the courtship resulted in a full blown cancer pandemic.

Make no mistake about Lou Piniella’s disciplining of Milton Bradley yesterday. Yes, the terrible at the plate appearances were annoying. Yes, the showboat move in the outfield was probably a little irritating. And yes, the frequent smashing of the Gatorade container and helmet heaving act (is the Cancer upset about not helping the team or is it really just a self indulgent show?) is growing old. But really, it is all about a battle weary Manager sick and tired of a pompous side show freak act persistently distracting the team from an already challenging season.

So Mt. Piniella finally erupted. Lava thermally kills cancer cells. A tongue lashing ensued. And the player’s uniform was ordered off for the rest of the day.

Dr. Lou temporarily excised the tumor from his team:

“I told him to take his uniform off,” Piniella said in his postgame news conference. “He threw his helmet off and smashed a water cooler. I just told him to take his uniform off and go home. I followed him up into the clubhouse and we exchanged some words.

“This has been a common occurrence. I’ve looked the other way a lot and I’m done with it. I’m not happy that this happened. But at the same time, it was time.”

Good for Dr. Lou. However, keep in mind that this was no way, shape or form, a permanent cure. Malignant Milty is expected to be in today’s lineup.

Unfortunately for Piniella, Nurse Hendry needs to read a few more medical textbooks and become an oncology surgeon. Dr. Lou can only provide the chemo and a little under the fire radiation treatment. And from time to time, Dr. Lou can temporarily stabilize the host from further metastasis by benching Malignant Milty. But sooner or later, the disease will continue to manifest and spread. Cancer always does.

No, Nurse Hendry needs to become Dr. Hendry and do what is best for the team.

And that is surgically remove Malignant Milty permanently. Cut bait and admit that little tryst in the off season was a terrible mistake.

According to Hendry, there will be a meeting of the minds before today’s ballgame.

Just remember Pincipal Victoria’s final bit of advice:

And you can’t listen to what anybody else tells you. You have to be willing to give up everything, because the cancer will take everything. Do you understand?

Nurse Hendry, you are being called to the OR.  Better bring those textbooks, a flashlight and a scalpel.

Stat.

Once again, amidst the thunderous roars of the coliseum, the mighty gladiators will gird their loins for ....oh, who am I kidding? The Cubs and Sox, two sub .500 teams, will play each other and hopefully one will win.

That doesn’t actually seem like a given. The two teams have redefined mediocrity by going 34-34 over the life of the series. 3 ties wouldn’t shock me. Sure, that is almost impossible to do in baseball, but if there is a way to make that happen I am convinced these are the two teams that can find it.

On the plus side, the Sox are 7-3 over their last ten games and have won their last three complete series. While they still do not seem like they are on path to become a juggernaut, they have started to show consistent signs of life between the lines. That is a good beginning.

On the down side, the Cubs are 5-5 over their last ten games and are on a 4 game losing streak coming into today’s series. Lou Pinnella looks as though someone darted him with Valium and the team seems to be grooving on his new mellow mood. So much so that Soto’s recent acknowledgment that he tested positive for pot in the WBC seems fitting somehow. Sadly, they don’t seem to be grooving at the plate which would be more effective.

But, since everyone seems to be in a good mood, it can be further enhanced if you CLICK HERE and help vote Bobby Scales into the NL All Star Team at 2nd Base. Really, do it and you will feel virtuous about everything. I promise or your money back.

RICK MORRISSEY (Tribune) notes that the lethargy emanating from Wrigley seems to have enveloped the fans as well.

Media members tried to make last week’s Cubs-Sox series into something epic by asking player after player about the “intense” atmosphere they had just experienced inside Wrigley. They were hoping for the easy story, and you couldn’t blame them. They wanted someone, anyone, to say Cubs and Sox fans were so loud that hearing loss was a distinct possibility. Let’s face it, a story about dogs and cats fighting is a lot more interesting than a story about two-toed sloths napping.

But Cubs newcomer Milton Bradley blew to bits the fiction of amped-up emotions in the stands. He said his team’s previous series, against Minnesota, had more energy.

Cubs-Twins fever: Catch it.

Hopefully this weekend will be livelier. My guess is that it will. Sox fans have never been good at attending weekday day games. Plus, the allure of spending a day off work sitting at Wrigley just doesn’t hold the same appeal for them. The schedule for this weekend’s series should help fill the seats with conscious adults who are in the mood to root for their team. Because, as Rick notes, last week wasn’t very impressive.

But for both sides to just sit there last week, well, it was borderline embarrassing. It doesn’t matter that the Game 1 rainout might have set the tone. Doesn’t matter that the teams had been scuffling most of the season.

We expect more out of our combatants. I’m not condoning violence. I’m condoning a pulse.

Heartbeat, it’s a LOVE beat ... sorry, it just jumped into my head.

Anyway, Defranco Family flashbacks aside, I am looking forward to this series for the best reason there is. I will not be forced to root for the Cubs.

CLICK HERE SING ALONG!

Since the Cubs keep sending Bobby Scales away every time we do something nice for him, we thought we would capitalize on that serendipity and see if we could get someone sent away who actually wanted to be sent away. Our very own, NICK HAWKINS, is a world traveler extra ordinaire. He has traveled to every continent on the planet except Antarctica. But, with your help, we can change that.

Nick is one of a select few who are eligible to be a Quark Expeditions travel blogger.

If you have ever read any of NICK’S posts, you know that he is smart, irreverent and perfectly capable of immersing himself in the local color. 

If Nick wins he will be blogging regularly for Quark Expeditions and, I am sure, we will get some wonderful little vignettes as well. Plus, as you fans of Saul who became Paul well know, having someone prostletyzing on your behalf is a great way to get the word out. Certainly, Antarctica needs to be as free from bad journalism as the rest of the planet. And, with your vote, that can happen.

NICK (click on his name to vote for him) also is a connoisseur of Chicago style Hot Dogs. In fact, he is so rabid about his tastes that he refuses to spell k-e-t-c-h-u-p.

In other words, he is exactly the kind of man you would want representing Chicago.

A vote for Nick is a vote for all that is Good and Holy. So, vote for Nick and feel better about yourself.

Also, according to an ex-girlfriend of his, the further he is from her, the happier she is, so that means there will be one more happy single girl in Chicago for the rest of you. And she drinks beer too!

CLICK HERE TO SAY “HI” TO NICK! and then send his butt to the Antarctic.

First off, I would like to thank Tyrone for getting me some free beers yesterday. Since he doesn’t drink, I did what I could to hold up his end of the bargain as well as my own. It seems some people read this site after all.

Now, on to stuff that really means less but somehow seems to mean more.

BASEBALL!

Yes, after sweeping the last place Indians and, once again, fanning the flames of hope in the hearts of fans, the Cubs went to battle first place Detroit and embarrassed themselves. Then, just for good measure, they went and did it again last night. Today, the best they can hope for is to avoid being swept themselves.

PAUL SULLIVAN (Tribune) compares the current Cubs to sleep aids.

Some people count sheep when they have trouble getting to sleep.

But after watching the Cubs’ sleepwalking offense the last two months, Jim Hendry and Lou Piniella are counting the days until Aramis Ramirez returns from his shoulder injury.

Whether Ramirez single-handedly can revive the slumbering Cubs lineup is unknown, but his prolonged absence has removed any doubts about who’s the most valuable player on the team.

The Cubs put on another display of offensive ineptitude in Wednesday’s 5-3 loss to Detroit.

They stranded 13 baserunners and went 1-for-15 with runners in scoring position after going 0-for-14 their last two games. The Cubs are the worst clutch-hitting team in the majors, ranking dead last with a .219 average with runners in scoring position.

“Maybe we’ll draw the names out of a hat,” Piniella said. “Leave a couple of guys doing the job in their positions and draw some names and see where they fall. We can’t do any worse.”

How bad was it?

Milton Bradley couldn’t even break his bat over his knee after striking out against Fernando Rodney with two on in the ninth.

Yep, that’s bad.

On the south side, things were slightly better as the Sox came up with a win and stand poised to take their third complete series in a row. The fourth one was postponed until September due to weather.  Our new best friend, ADAM L. JAHNS (Sun Times) fills us in.

The Sox (34-37) hit six home runs, one shy of the club record and their most since June 8, 2004 against the Philadelphia Phillies. It was also the most homers allowed by the Dodgers since Aug. 2, 2001.

Fields, who started at first base in place of Paul Konerko and talked about being excited to get more at-bats before the game, led the charge with two homers, including a two-run shot in the fourth. Fields went 3-for-4, including a single in the second inning that ended an 0-for-16 streak.

“It was a much-needed game,” Fields said afterward. “We’ve been struggling with offense at home. To come out of it and kind of go off like that, it was a good day. Hopefully, we didn’t get rid of all of it [and] we saved some of it for [Thursday].”

So, the Sox won 10-7 and, so far, KW has avoided selling team members for hot dogs and beer. I didn’t say he has ruled that out, just that he hasn’t done it yet.

Oh, and a quick reminder for you kids at home, sleep aids and beer don’t mix.

CLICK HERE TO TELL US WHAT YOU THINK!

Kirk: You’re not going to admit that, for the first time in your life, you made a completely emotional decision based on desperation?
Spock: No, sir.
Kirk: Mr Spock, you’re a stubborn man.
Spock: Yes, Sir.
Galileo Seven

OPEN LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE USA

Dear President Obama

As you are astutely aware, Mayor Richard Daley has recently reneged on a promise to the citizens of Chicago by unilaterally deciding to sign a contract with the IOC guaranteeing city tax payers to absorb the cost of unpaid Olympic bills.

Sir, we are in the dark abyss of one of the most depressive global economic downturns.  And this is a most desperate hour for the City of Chicago.

No different than other regions of the United States, the midwest has been grossly damaged by this seemingly neverending recession. And although your efforts are heralded by many, questioned by more than a few, and steadfastly opposed by some, by and large the majority of the greatest nation on earth supports your Presidency.

A growing segment of the Chicago tax paying populace is gravely concerned by this recent action of Mayor Daley and his Olympic voice piece Patrick Ryan.  For a city that seemingly cannot maintain the employment of several thousand city workers, by and which include administrators within the public educational system, nor demonstrate a suitable ability to repair street potholes without the unique corporate sponsorship of Kentucky Fried Chicken, it seems rather high handed for Mayor Daley to exercise this declaration of Olympic guarantee payment without in the very least informing the Chicago City Council.  It seems odd for many of us that the Mayor routinely declares the city budget is in perilous shape and yet there is evidently no monetary value deemed overly expensive when such financial matters turn to the Olympic bid.

Mayor Daley does not have $500 million of his own personal funds to cover the cost of the 2016 Olympics should private investors bail on this project.  This commitment of guarantee without the expressed knowledge and consent of the City Council is an unnecessary financial risk and burden for Chicago tax payers. And not for just this generation. Must our kids and their kids be subjected to the risk of repayment for this two week international sports exhibition extravaganza?

Could not happen? Just ask Montreal. Or Atlanta. Maybe perhaps Vancouver? And of course, our political allies in London, England. Even Beijing with Chinese federal funding is struggling during the aftermath of the most spectacular crowd pleasing Olympic Games ever hosted.

Now many of us understand you are very busy. In fact, it is a rather comical understatement considering international fracases with North Korea and Iran, never mind the economic policies and reformation legislation proposed to pull this nation out of its economic slump. But we suspect that if you still find the time for family and leisure, then we sincerely hope it is not overly presumptuous that you would review the ongoing quagmire of the Chicago Olympic bid and address our grievance of unfair public non-disclosure of Olympic bid proceedings.

However, name one responsible leader that a Chicagoan should trust from our home state other than yourself? Mayor Daley? Is this Olympics bid really fused with the best intentions of Chicago or does it simply monetarily feed and reward those that work and operate within our city’s legendary corrupt political machine? How does one trust a Mayor when such a decision of guaranteed commitment is made after assuring the public that no such burden would be risked? Our Governor has been impeached and is facing trial. Our acting Governor is mired in state debt and yet somehow advocates $250 million to the Olympic cause. And please don’t ask us to turn to Senators Durbin and Burris, as our senior Senator is a little preoccupied with providing answers to his recent stock dumping while the other is apparently happily chipping away his most recent accomplishment of dubious evasiveness upon granite marble.

And hence, here we are altogether reviewing this serious matter. A liberal passage from the Chicago Tribune’s David Greising’s excellent column is provided for your reading:

People who recoil at the creeping cost of the Chicago 2016 bid got another reason to be wary Monday. It turns out Ryan had plenty of warning, well in advance of last week’s presentation, that the city would need to sign up taxpayers to back the bid.

Ryan took a secret trip to Switzerland early this month, he disclosed at Monday’s press conference. The trip was necessary because the IOC surprised him by flat out rejecting Chicago’s effort to sign the host city contract with amendments designed to protect taxpayers from runaway costs.

Returning to Chicago, Ryan did not disclose his trip or its stark message. Then he winged back to Switzerland last week and let Daley drop the news, a transcontinental bombshell.

Is this the type of transparency and change that your hometown deserves, Mr. President?

Many of us have all heard the promise of more jobs for Chicagoans if the Olympic bid is won. Where in writing is this guaranteed? Which insurance company will back up this financial guarantee to avoid bankrupting Chicago? And will such a policy definitively not benefit any member of the Daley genealogy? Will the construction of the Olympic sites be mired with controversy in a suspicious cloud akin to the O’Hare Airport expansion? Where is the proof in the pudding?

Yes, we still read newspapers in this town. And we are alarmed when our Mayor makes such statements that federal stimulus money usage cannot be disclosed to our media because it may be criticized. Such concern can only deepen when Olympic monetary guarantees are made after the fact without public knowledge or debate among our representative Aldermen.

We cite a direct quote obtained from the Tribune’s investigative team of Kathy Bergen, David Heinzmann and Hal Dardick:

“We can’t go to the City Council today,” bid team leader Patrick Ryan said at a press briefing Monday. “We’d look like dummies because we don’t have it all complete.”

If financial terms are not completed, then why must Chicago bear the responsibility of a project that is anticipated to go over budget no different than past Olympic projects elsewhere?

Our representatives are Chicago’s Aldermen. And they are being told to wait 2 months for further disclosure of the financial responsibility of these Games. Sir, we do not find that acceptable nor responsible.

We are astutely aware of your support of the Chicago 2016 Olympics bid. Yes, we have reviewed your statements of encouragement and promise of prosperity to Chicago should the bid be won. But in these times Mr. President, we require more than just nice words and feel good sentiment. You must pardon our skepticism and perhaps lack of creative vision. However, it is our money at stake. And real numbers need to be crunched. Full disclosure of potential tax payer responsibility must be shared with Chicago. Such guaranteed backing makes this project no longer in the sole discretionary care of a select group of individuals operating from behind the scenes.

Please do not forget the best interests of your home town. Part of your appeal to the American public is your thoughtfulness. And your seeming ability to think matters over and perhaps change course in a decision making process.

“I’m president of the United States, and I’ll carry out my duties as I think are appropriate. All right?”

Yes indeed sir, you are the President.

Under the current political and economical landscape of Chicago and all of Illinois to be frank, do these Olympic Games satisfy the needs of the many or just the needs of the few?

Olympic Games and international flash in the pan prestige versus affordable health care services, proper public education, better roads and stabilized financial institutions?

We know what really matters in these times. As would Spock.

And we hope with all sincerity, so do you.

Thank you Mr. President for your time and attention to this matter. Your response is most respectfully anticipated.

Regards,

A Gravely Concerned Tax Paying Citizen
Chicago, IL

When Donald Fehr stepped up and took over the MLB Players Association in 1983, the average player made around $290,000 per year. As he steps down that same average player made $2.9 million last year. To get from there to here he lead the union on three work stoppages, one of which resulted in the cancelled season in 1994.

He has fought collusion by the owners to the benefit of players throughout the league. But he has also fought to allow players to maintain illegal activities at the cost of the game. Not just the obvious use of steroids, but speed and other drugs were left outside of MLB purview even though they were blatantly illegal for the rest of the country.

Think of it this way, inside MLB clubhouses Toko’s rules for life applied. The porn was just a bonus. Outside, the rules the rest of us know were, and are, in effect.

PHIL ROGERS and DAVE VAN DYCK (Tribune) try to put everything into perspective.

But while the union continued to win economic successes for its members, it is seen by many to have contributed to the anything-goes, wild-west mentality of baseball by opposing random drug testing long after it had become a reality in other sports.

Fehr and Orza most recently have been in the news because the union failed to expeditiously order that samples from a confidential round of drug testing in 2003 be destroyed. Alex Rodriguez and Sammy Sosa have been identified as steroid users off those samples, which have been preserved because of a court order sought by federal officials.

Former Commissioner Fay Vincent said Fehr protected players at a cost to the game’s credibility.

“He was wrong to see things in terms of civil liberties for the players and not in terms of the overall interests of baseball,” Vincent said. “He always said that was your responsibility [the commissioner and the owners]. But I don’t want to harp on that as it is just one aspect of an outstanding career.”

Fehr said he understands the criticism that links him to the widespread use of steroids—and an even bigger cloud—in the last two decades.

“If we—I—had known or understood what the circumstances were a little better, then perhaps we would have moved sooner,” Fehr said.

The union has been livid about leaks from a list of 104 names testing positive in the 2003 round of testing. The union sued unsuccessfully to get the list out of the hands of federal prosecutors and continues to pursue an appeal through the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals.

There are many people, myself included, who think that the timing of Fehr’s retirement has less to do with job stress and a desire to learn needlepoint than a deep need to get the hell out of Dodge before the Congressional bullets really start to fly.

But, on the other hand, I know a man who has met Fehr on numerous occasions. He claims that Fehr has a wicked sense of humor and a pathological sense of decency. Such a man would go to the wall for individual rights. I can easily see that. But, and this is for all of our conspiracy theorists out there, such a man might feel obligated to put all the cheaters on the same page with the rest of the American populace.

In other words, such a man might have “accidentally” forgotten to burn a list that has 104 names on it.

Right now, it may not be fair to guess, but it is still fair to wonder.

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIEW FROM THE GRASSY KNOLL.

As has been noted here many times, people seem to keep missing important memos. Today, in an effort to rectify that situation, I thought I would put them all in one easy to find spot.

A MEMO to the referees for Women’s Professional Soccer;

What? Have you all been trained by blind howler monkeys? You are a disgrace! I have seen better officiating at un-scored children’s matches. What’s worse is that your wildly inconsistent calls are directly effecting the outcome of matches. It is not fair to the athletes who give their all and play the game right just to have them watch helplessly as the outcome is decided by people who clearly need red tipped canes and guide dogs. Watching WPS officiating is like watching the Calvin Ball Championships on acid. Get it together or go home and let people who know what they are doing find employment.

A MEMO to the marketing department of the WNBA;

The level of play in the league has gone up every year over the last four years. People might want to know about that. Since your entire marketing program seems to consist of “word of mouth” it might behoove you to actually get some mouths talking about it. Your wildly divergement discount programs are a mess. Worse, absolutely none are targeted at 7th through 12th grade students or school trips of any kind, which is where your future lies. I have seen enough games to know that people want to embrace this league. And, let’s be blunt, nothing ramps up the excitement level more than a room full of amped up kids out for a night on the town.

Oh, and my wife says that some hot male cheerleaders would be nice too.

A MEMO to the Chicago Cubs;

I have many friends who are fans of your team. They seem like perfectly normal people for the most part. However, until your recent sweep of the Indians, I have been watching them nip from flasks they are keeping in their desks. They are really worried that not only will this year be 101 and done, they are also fearful that the only baseball that will be available on the north side in October will be on the TVs at the Cubby Bear.  It is my belief that you have it in you to get back to the post-season and make a run for it. Don’t prove me wrong. You wouldn’t like me when I’m wrong .....

Also, you are messing with our vibe here. Please bring back Bobby Scales so that we can WRITE IN OUR VOTES to get him into the NL All Star Team at 2nd Base.

A MEMO to the White Sox;

It was great to read today that you will face a contractual log jam next year in the outfield. It is always heartening to have too many good players. But, before we get too worried about that, could you do me (and all other Sox fans that may soon need AA counseling) a favor and just win some freaking games? Is that too much to ask? You may find this hard to believe but your maddening climb towards possibly attaining a .500 record is not really lighting a fire under the fans. Other than in the sense that we feel burned every time we think about it.

A MEMO to the Chicago Bears;

No offense to David Haugh (Chicago Tribune - referenced by the above link), but we’ll believe it when we see it. After watching bizarre call after bizarre call from the sidelines, our faith in this team has been shaken. Hearing that a June mini-camp got the players excited is nice. But, in one form or another we hear that every year, with or without Jay Cutler. Show us a team that plays consistent football on both sides of the ball and we’ll get in off this ledge. Until then, could you pass me a beer? It is kind of breezy out here and I don’t want to slip by accident.

CLICK HERE TO POST YOUR OWN MEMOS!

You are gloriously insensitive. You see black, brown, yellow and so on and just don’t care. Gay? Straight? It doesn’t matter to you at all. You don’t care at all ‘what’ is sitting in a room with you, all you see is ‘who’. That is oddly refreshing.

“Gloriously insensitive?” Moi?

Well, in the grand scheme of things, I (Irish/French, heterosexual) could live with that on my tombstone.

The person (African American, heterosexual) who told me the above was wondering how I could understand marketing concepts if I didn’t segregate people. At least in my mind. As a friend of mine (Afro/Latin, lesbian) says, “All thought is punished.”

To a degree, her fatalistic viewpoint has merit.

But, to a larger degree, it is slowly falling away. As we watch a world of fanatics attempt to hold the future at bay, we would do well to remind ourselves that - for all the pain and suffering they can and will cause - we are witnessing their death throes.

Yesterday, as witnessed by me and a good buddy (Polish, homosexual), the White Sox (multi racial, primarily heterosexual) played in the Civil Rights Game. Hosted in part by Bill Cosby and Muhammad Ali (both African American, heterosexual), it served as a stark reminder of how far we have come as a people and how far we have yet to go. But it also showed that we are going and will eventually leave the fanatics in the past.

No longer do people say “My black friend ....” or anything like that. A person is, or is not, our friend. Their melanin count or other attributes no longer color our view of them as people.

In other words, we no longer tag them when we meet them. And that is the first true sign of progress I can cite. But, it is a good one.

Now, off my soapbox and on to baseball.

Yesterday the White Sox played the Cincinnati Reds (as mentioned above) in one of the ugliest games of professional baseball I have ever witnessed. SCOTT MERKIN (MLB.com) sums it up nicely.

Years from now, the White Sox 10-8 victory over the Reds during Major League Baseball’s third annual Civil Rights Game on Saturday night at Great American Ball Park won’t exactly be shown to impressionable young players as an example of textbook fundamental play.

There were four errors committed by the White Sox, with a chance for two more to be charged. Alexei Ramirez was picked off first base on a hit-and-run call made by manager Ozzie Guillen in the fifth, and starter Clayton Richard exited after three inconsistent innings.

Believe it or not, those were the good parts. Yet, somehow, the team rallied from a 5 run deficit to beat the surging Reds at home and stand a chance to win the series today. Gordon Beckham, the newest member on the South Side, summed it all up nicely.

“We might roll from here,” Beckham said. “Hopefully, we can put a star by that one at the end of the season.”

On the North Side, the Cubs seem to have come up with a winning formula. Give away the game for 8 innings and then win it in extra innings or, if all else fails, the bottom of the 9th. So far, that is pretty much how they have won their last 3. Kerry Wood, who seems to have forgotten which team he currently plays for, once again blew the save for the Indians. CARRIE MUSKAT (MLB.com) fills in the details.

The Cubs passed another stress test Saturday, beating Kerry Wood and the Indians with a second successive walk-off win. Only this time, there were some unlikely heroes.

Andres Blanco scored on a wild pitch by Wood with one out in the 13th inning to lift the Cubs to a 6-5 Interleague victory for their third straight walk-off win. This is the Indians’ first trip to Wrigley Field since 1998, and they may not come back.

And so it goes. The Cubs can sweep the Tribe today and the Sox can win the series against the Reds. All in all, a nice way to spend a Sunday with your friends.

CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!

Interleague play makes for some very strange bedfellows. Yesterday, I was watching the Cubs game with my buddy, who is named after a woodland predator, and his girlfriend, who has a normal name. He is a Sox fan, she is a Cubs fan.

He and I tried, gamely, to root for the Cubs to beat the Indians. When that sounded a tad forced, to be polite, we tried rooting against the Indians. While slightly more successful, we still felt like we were cheering for the Cubs and, well, it felt wrong.

Simply put, we are not wired that way.

Nevertheless, after the Cubs come from behind victory over the Tribe, we bravely suffered through a blaring rendition of GO CUBS GO. There is one advantage to this from our point of view. The battered little TV that the bar owner, and Cubs fan, watches the games on has a tiny little speaker. So, when he cranks the volume and warbles along, it sounds as though the song is being performed by Ministry.

Which helps. Somewhat.

Now, if only someone could give me an explanation, other than “You just don’t get it,” as to why they play that stupid song AFTER the game instead of before, where it belongs, I would be appreciative.

Even so, the night wore on and the Sox took on the Reds. While Contreras put in another solid outing, going 7 innings and giving up 3 runs, the Sox lost 4-3 to Dusty Baker’s surprising little team. Seriously, did anyone pick them to be in contention at any time this year?

But, and here is where the weird turned pro, our favorite bar owner tried (as best he could) to root for the Sox.

The effect was similar to watching a walrus mambo. Mildly amusing but painful to see all at once.

My woodland pal and I certainly felt his pain.

I am not sure if rooting for the Cubs (in my case) is a crime against all that is “Good and Holy”, but it sure feels that way.

A friend of mine, not the woodland one, once said that cheering for the Cubs is like cheering your grandma on a date. It is so wrong at so many levels that long-term, aggressive, therapy is usually the only hope of a cure.

But, my friends and I are made of sterner stuff than that. So, today, we are going to meet up again and cheer for .... the Indians to lose.

I am trying. Really I am.

CLICK HERE TO SHARE MY PAIN.

How ironic is it that two teams hovering around the .500 mark all season now have a career record of 34-34 against each other? You can find gaping holes in both teams and reasons for hope on both. Both teams are better than they seem and both have played worse than anyone would have thought possible.

It’s less than 60 days until the trading deadline. Time, and player performance, will tell if these teams will be buyers or sellers this year.

In the meantime, let’s talk about something different today. How does a solid team on a winning streak sound? No steroids, no scandals, no imaginary porn or infidelities, just a team that seems poised to do big things this year.

Okay, they have a stupid mascot, but we are just going to ignore that.

Yes, I am talking about Chicago’s very own WNBA stars, the Sky.

For the first time in franchise history they won three straight home games. TINA AKOURIS (Sun Times) brings you up to date.

“We’re not content with this,’’ Perkins said. “We want to be a playoff team and I think we’ve shown that in these past three games.”

Perkins was a key component in the thriller. She scored 21 points in the second half after netting only four in the first half. Perkins finished with 25 points on 9-for-16 shooting.

She admirably took over the scoring duties for Sky forward Candice Dupree, who leads the team with 22 points per game. Dupree was held to two points, both scored on free throws.

Don’t you feel a little better already? In just those few short sentences, you have teamwork, success and all that fun stuff we ask for in sports. Oh, and winning too. You may have forgotten about that since it has been a while since a Chicago team threatened to do that this summer.

You can certainly be forgiven for that memory lapse.

Did I mention the stupid mascot? Oh, yes, it seems I did.

Anyway, the Sky are a lot of fun to watch. If you have young girls interested in sports, take them to a game. It won’t kill your pocketbook and all the players are very nice. If they have time available they will spend it with the fans.

And, if you just one of those weirdo sports junkies (hello self, how’s it going?), taking in a Sky game is worth the night. They play a solid brand of team basketball. No showboating, no crap, just skill and form. It is a refreshing version of the game and one that is easy to enjoy.

I feel better just letting you know about this. Kind of cleansed, if you know what I mean.

In the meantime, it is raining so hard out right now that there is an old Jewish guy lining up animals two by two across the street. Not that I see any reason for real concern, but I don’t see what can be hurt by brushing up on my Aramaic and buying a pair of water wings.

CLICK HERE FOR SWIMMING LESSONS!

One of the cool things about owning this site is that I can come here at any time and put up or erase anything I want. But, one of the reasons I was able to buy this site is that I have learned not to do that. Like Uncle Ben said in Spiderman, “With great power comes great responsibility.”

Last night, I couldn’t sleep and I started this missive to you about my friend LoQuisha. How this all ties together will become clear in a bit.

When the baseball strike happened in ‘94, I and many other baseball fans decided to do other things with our free time and money. We had put baseball behind us. We were disgusted with everything that had happened to the game.

Around ‘96 LoQuisha, then a young lady, got a summer job at Wrigley Field. What she knew about baseball could fit in a thimble. And leave room for a thumb.

But she, and many other people, became enamored with Sammy. And when, one day, he signed an autograph for her after a game and kissed her on the hand, she was hooked. She had to know everything about this game and the men who played it.  She became a Cubs fan and bought into all the lore that is attenuate thereto. She loved the park, she loved the players, she learned the history.

She learned to love the word “dinger” since it was, and is, just like a young woman; innocent, fun and mildly sexual.

You can thank Sammy for all of that. And, to be fair, you must.

When Sammy ballooned from a size 36 shirt to a 44 in just a few months, she lauded his off-season training program.

When Sammy got caught with the corked bat, she bemoaned his “mistake.”

When Sammy blew off his team mates at the end of the season, she wailed that he was misunderstood.

When Sammy showed up in Baltimore looking like a hollowed out version of his former self, she lauded his off season weight loss as good for his long term health.

When Sammy forgot how to speak English in front of the US Congress, she complained of the undue pressure being put on a man who wasn’t native to the language.

A lot of time has passed since that young girl first traversed the gates of Wrigley. She is married now and has two beautiful children. Both are being raised, over my strenuous objections, to be Cubs’ fans. Well, not too strenuous since I melt every time one of them calls me “Uncle Bill.”

I was thinking about her yesterday and wondering how she was handling the disclosure from the NY Times when I saw her as I was leaving work.

She just stood there for a minute and then she put her head on my shoulder and cried for almost half an hour.

Thanks, Sammy.

Because inside of her, and many of your fans, is that little kid who fell in love with baseball thanks to you and now has had a part of their soul crushed. All because they trusted and believed in you.

I think I can avoid repeating the cliche. You have tied this all together by now.

In related news, her “loveable, huggable” Cubbies lost 4-1 to those “mean old nasty” White Sox.

I’m sorry LoQuisha, yesterday really just wasn’t your day.

CLICK HERE TO SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS WITH SAMMY.

Our very own Hino takes a minute out of his busy day to share his love for a game I have never understood.

Since the Cubs and Sox were rained out yesterday the other Administrators have decided to humor me and the other 3 golf fans we have here at JTJ, so here it goes.

The 109th U.S. Open begins tomorrow at Bethpage State Park (Black Course). The last time the Open was here in 2002 Tiger walked the dog, but Phil Mickelson was the crowd favorite. Could the same thing happen again? Possibly, but I doubt it. Tiger is having trouble finding fairways and Phil is dealing with his wife’s breast cancer diagnosis. Phil will still be a fan favorite and Tiger will still garner the most TV time even if he is 8 shots back.

The Blue Coats at the USGA always try to set up the course so no one can win. The course will be set up to play as a par 70 instead of a par 72 like it was designed to be. For some reason the USGA thinks you only need 1 par five per side. Well, in my opinion, that makes them idiots. Why you may ask? Well because they have 3 par fours at over 500 yards. Five hundred yards is a long way for a par four. But, that is the USGA. They sure know how to take the fun out of things.

Who will win? Hard to tell. What I can tell you is that someone, maybe a nobody we never heard of will make a first day run up the leader board. Then he will realize that, “Holy SH*T I am leading the Open.” He will then disappear after Friday’s round and not be heard from again. It happens in every major, especially the Open. Why? Because this tournament is truly open. Anyone can try to qualify if they have a handicap slightly below 2.0. Over a thousand people each year try to qualify. A select few make it while some big names don’t.

The fairways will be narrow. The rough will be tall. The greens will be slick and by Sunday most likely rock hard. This will come down to a test of nerves as well as skill. The winner will have to drive it straight and putt lights out.

My picks to watch, not necessarily because they have a great chance to win, but because it could make for a good story are:

Steve Stricker. Wisconsin native and Illinois Alum. He can putt with the best of them.
Rocco Mediate. Hell, why not make 2 good runs in a row.
David Duval. Perhaps the most intriguing and the one with the best chance to steal the TV spotlight from Tiger and Phil. Duval has shot 59 to win a tournament on the final day. He won the British open and ascended to the number 1 player in the world. Funny thing is he wasn’t happy. Being number one wasn’t all he thought it should be. Something was missing. He shut it down and hasn’t been heard from in a while. He found happiness with a wife and her children and is making the slow climb back up the World Ranking. Good for him. At one time he could look Tiger in the eye and not blink. The best part, Tiger knew it too.

ESPN and NBC will handle the coverage. The bad thing is that we will have to listen to Johnny Miller tell us how bad everyone is and how easy it used to be for him. Some days he reminds me of Joe Morgan, and that is not a good thing. But, you can expect to see all Tiger all the time. Anyway, that is a short summary. Sit back and watch the carnage this weekend. It could be interesting.

From all of us to all of you, Happy early Father’s Day.

And For MaryB and the ladies, everyday is Mother’s Day.

CLICK HERE TO TEE OFF!

Hmm, let’s see ... is there anything special starting today? Nah, nothing that seems worth writing about. After all, the Sky were off last night, the Red Stars are taking a short break after moving up in the standings, the Bliss don’t start until September ... so, no, I got nothing.

Oh, okay, I guess we can waste a little bandwidth and acknowledge the Crosstown Classic.

For those of you who missed the memo, the White Sox go to Wrigley Field tonight for a three game tilt against the Cubs. Both teams have been struggling and both teams need wins. Ozzie and Lou may be BFF’s off the field, but that will stop the second some ump yells “Play Ball!”

The series was once relegated to oddly scheduled exhibition games that either happened in the pre-season with players not at their best or, when in mid-season, with a whole group of no-name call ups. While purists may frown on interleague play, it does give a nice jolt of interest in the middle of the usual down time.

And, in Chicago, lines aren’t drawn, they are carved in concrete and asphalt. While the fans of one team may not really care about the other team for 156 games a year, for 6 games a year they are fierce in their loyalty. Players and managers say all the right things “It’s for the fans ...” or “It’s just another team we need to beat ....” or, my favorite, “I don’t get that excited for this series ...”

I call BULLS***T!

Of all the inter-city games in MLB, the Chicago series is the most volatile. Yankees, Mets? Nope. The Yankees have been too dominant for too long. At best you get some obnoxious Yankees’ fans and some sniping from Mets’ fans. But you can get that any day of the year in NYC. LA? Not even on the radar. The fans may love their baseball, but they are far too laid back to ramp things up like we do in Chicago. Oakland, San Francisco? For football, yes, the rivalry is insane. For baseball? Not so much. It’s hookah season and they have other things on their minds.

No, if you want to see a room full of bat-guano crazy people, just head to a corner bar around game time. Even more fun, find one with fans of both teams in it. Make sure to have a seat by the door when things start flying,.

This is not your grandfather’s Cubs. No more “loveable losers” and fun time at the old ball park. The fans have sniffed victory and they want to wallow in that smell. Nor are the Sox the same Sox I grew up with. No more bash and smash and pray for 20 runs. This team has shown it can win with defense, pitching and it wants to win more, again.

Fans on both sides are spoiled by recent successes and they are righteously cheesed that there hasn’t been more. That does not make for a room full of happy drunks. It does, however, make for a hell of a series right when both teams need one.

GORDON WITTENMYER and JOE COWLEY, both of the Sun Times, and both uncredited online, are in the spirit of things. They ripped their stories straight from the mouths of fans of each team. First, Gordon takes a look at the Cubs this year.

So Ozzie Guillen says Wrigley Field makes him puke. Wait till he gets a load of this Cubs lineup.

But give it until the end of this series, and that’s when he might really start to be sick. Because for all the flaws and slumps and head-scratching underachievement by the Cubs and White Sox, the fact remains the Cubs are a lot closer to making a move into contention than the Sox.

And which general manager is better equipped through skill or resources to make that happen? It’s almost irrelevant at this point because Jim Hendry already has done for this year’s Cubs what Ken Williams could only hope to do with this year’s Sox, especially in this poor economic climate.

That is, almost, verbatim to what I was told last night by a Cubs’ fan. Granted, Gordon removed the colorful expletives and interesting use of adjectives, but that is pretty much it in a nut shell.

Joe clearly has been listening to Sox fans.

North Side, you have a problem.

Williams has shown he can pull off the blockbuster trade and sign the high-priced free agent, and more recently, he finally has understood the idea of focusing on the draft and building the minor-league system from within. More importantly, Williams has shown he can evaluate talent and acquire reclamation projects that other organizations have given up on.

Hendry has shown one thing: an ability to write check after check.

Maybe not having a ring to wear has made Hendry’s pen dexterity more aerodynamic. Aerodynamic to the tune of just under $1 billion spent in contract obligations under his regime, including this season’s 30-30 team that cost $135 million to assemble.

The return for all that spending? Since 2003, Hendry’s team has won one playoff series and entered the season having lost nine straight playoff games.

So, here we go. 3 days of unrepentant fandom writ large on a City that actually has baseball teams to care about for a change. I, for one, have reserved my seats and my beers around the corner. I hope you have too!

CLICK HERE TO MAKE FUN OF THE OTHER GUYS!

First off, both papers today have lengthier than necessary stories on Ozzie’s annual rant about how he loathes Wrigley Field. I am going to share a little secret with you; me too.

I understand that Cubs’ fans get a bad rap due to the clientele that inhabits the bars around the field. I fully understand that the average Cubs’ fan is as avid a baseball fan as any in the league. That being said, the park smells bad, the place is falling apart, the food is a crap shoot and, while I have never seen a rat, I have seen a very well fed cat outside the bleachers.

Let’s face it, if this was any other park in any other city, it would have been made into a parking lot decades ago.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s look at some of the fun stuff.

On the north side, the Cubs finally beat the Twins yesterday (thanks guys, we needed the help) and NEIL HAYES (Sun Times) lays the credit fully at the feet of Lou Pinella.

Credit Lou Piniella for the Cubs’ 3-2 victory over the Twins on Sunday, even if it was Ryan Theriot who singled home the winning run in the ninth, sending his win-starved teammates scrambling out of the dugout to celebrate as if they had accomplished something greater than avoiding being swept by the Twins.

The three runs was an avalanche of offense for a team that scored six runs during a four-game losing streak and a likely product of the New Lou. Once upon a time, had a Piniella-managed club struggled offensively the way the Cubs have struggled of late, Piniella might have spontaneously combusted. That’s Old Lou. New Lou remains patient and disarmingly upbeat. Instead of ranting to the media about how his team couldn’t score if home plate was moved to second base, he told reporters they should accentuate the positive. Quit harping about what the Cubs aren’t doing well and start writing and talking about what they are doing well, he said.

Neil also has a great line later in the story about the Cubs’ chances this season.

Bradley, Alfonso Soriano, Soto, Kosuke Fukudome ... virtually everyone not named Derrek Lee and Ryan Theriot has to figure out a way to produce more consistently if the 2009 Cubs are going to avoid the fate of being a team that should contend but for whatever reason things just didn’t work out.

So, we have a kinder, gentler, Lou managing a team of hitters who can’t hit but are still within striking distance of winning their division. Yep, that qualifies as weird.

On to the south side. As CASH KRUTH (MLB.com) reports, it couldn’t have gotten any weirder and still counted as a win. And, even more important, a winning series for the Sox.

In a National League ballpark with some of their top sluggers injured or not able to get their usual at-bats, the White Sox had to rely on some unexpected contributors to pick up a 5-4 win over the Brewers on Sunday afternoon at Miller Park.

They got help from starting pitcher Mark Buehrle, who hit his first career home run, and from their usual designated hitter Jim Thome, who twice showed bunt in a pinch-hit appearance before drawing a one-out walk in the top of the ninth.

And, once Thome got on, what did Ozzie do? He had pitcher, Clayton Richard, pinch run for him.

“Anybody who pinch-ran was going to be faster than [Thome],” Guillen said. “I was kind of—not nervous or worried, but concerned that this kid was going to get hurt running the bases, but I had to do what I had to do.”

It worked. Why? Because A.J. swung at a ball that may not have actually cleared the plate. However, he put a happy face on it in the post game press conference.

“It wasn’t a horrible pitch, I just knew that it was probably the best pitch I was going to get, so I just tried to stay up the middle,” Pierzynski said, adding it was just one of a handful of times he’s swung on a 3-0 pitch in his career. “He was trying to paint the outside corner low and away, and [Hoffman’s] got such great control, it’s tough.”

Pierzynski’s RBI was the first run given up by Hoffman this season, snapping a streak of 18 scoreless innings.

So, to recap; (on the north side) the Cubs had hitters who rarely hit get hits, their manager is dealing with frustration by focusing solely on happy thoughts and the Milton Bradley was a complete non factor in the game, neither good nor bad; (on the south side) Mark Buehrle, who once hit a foul ball during a game, homered; Jim Thome, who is on his way to the Hall of Fame as a hitter, tried to bunt and Ozzie Guillen out managed a NL manager in a NL ball park.

So, yeah, it was a day of weird. But, since it was a fun kind of weird, I am going to take it and enjoy.

CLICK HERE TO CELEBRATE YOUR INNER WEIRD!

Wow. What a day in baseball yesterday. We’ll start with the north side because, well, we may as well start with a bang.

With the Cubs only two runs behind in the 8th inning, the Twins had runners on first and third with one out. Joe Mauer hammered a fly ball into right field which Milton Bradley easily caught. Then the Cubbie occurrence ... occurred. Milton stopped, did some sort of Superman pose and then tossed the ball to the fans.

Did I mention that there was only one out at the time? The runner at 3rd scored and the runner at first ended up on 3rd.

TONI GINETTI (Sun Times) tries very hard not to laugh.

Milton Bradley might never again have as awkward a game as he did Friday—at least that’s the hope for the Cubs and their star-crossed free agent.

Was he upset about losing a seventh-inning fly ball in the glaring sun in right field? Yes.

Was he embarrassed about catching a fly ball the next inning and tossing it into the bleachers when there was still an out to go and a runner was on base? Definitely.

“It was my fault,” he said to the crowd of media at his locker after the 7-4 loss to the Minnesota Twins. “My heart was in the right place.”

So was his mitt. Sadly, his head was (once again) somewhere else entirely.

The Cubs have also sent Jake “Hot Hitting” Fox back to 3A along with Bobby Scales. I understand the Fox move. Despite his incredible batting average, the guy makes Milton Bradley look like a gold glove contender. The Cubs simply can not afford to give up a defensive position. But Scales has me baffled. He is a solid and versatile infielder, is hitting better than a large number of the stars on the team and offers line up flexibility in every game. However, given the number of Cubs’ players that are forced to sit each week, I am sure he will be back soon.

In the meantime, CLICK HERE to vote for Bobby Scales into the NL All Star Team at 2nd Base just to tick off the Cubs.

Oh, okay, do it for the right reason. Because he’s the kind of player fans need to support. Unless somehow, somewhere, you really think Uncle Milty is the kind of player you want representing the sport. In which case, please don’t procreate. The world has enough problems.

On to the South Side. Hoo boy.

Clayton Richard pitched a great game and left at the top of the 6th when he committed a throwing error to allow the Brewers to get a runner on first. Even so, he left with a 2 run lead and the team was apparently humming along. Then came Octavio Dotel. He is one of those pitchers who can be lights out one night and then give up a 6-pack of runs before you blink the next. Last night he showed off his 6-pack skills by giving up the tying run to Jeff Suppan, the pitcher with the gaudy .211 batting average. Then Dotel got pulled to be replaced by DJ Carrasco who seemed to like the theme that Dotel had set and continued to help Brewers players find a way around the bases unmolested. The only bright spot was the debut of Aaron Poreda who went an inning and a third and struck out three while giving up no runs.

But, by then it was too little too late and the Sox lost 7-2. And, yes, you figured it out, all 7 runs came off the pen. They earned their spots in the back seat of the clown car.

Anyway, for a bit of good news, THE CHICAGO SKY won their home opener last night 81-73 over the Atlanta Dream.

I caught a chunk of the game last night and can honestly say, those ladies are not looking to have anything to do with the clown car.

CLICK HERE TO TRY ON SOME FACE PAINT!

Derrick Rose has learned the hard way that being young and stupid is no longer an excuse for being young and stupid. At least not in our current society. If he was throwing down gang signs in Game 1 of the playoffs, then yeah, someone would need to have a chat with the young man. But, the pontificating pundits seem to conveniently leave out some facts. Rose grew up in Englewood. That is a village with high unemployment, higher gang membership and an estimated life span that is drastically reduced compared to the national norms. The fact that he might have known gang members while growing up in that environment isn’t shocking. The fact that he came out alive is.

Everyone just needs to come down off of their high hobby horses for a moment and write a quick list of all the stupid things that they did when they were 16. Then highlight the ones that you would really really like to see end up in the national media. I bet there will not be a lot of highlighted items on your list. I know there aren’t on mine.

No, I’m sorry, you can’t read mine.

In other news, the Cubs groundbreaking experiment of trying to be the first team in the National League with a designated hitter is not going as well as planned. They knew Milton Bradley couldn’t stay healthy, field or run. Now they have discovered that he can’t hit much either. That is not a recipe for success. Worse yet, with his contract, it will be much harder to offer him a change of scenery.

Not that the Cubs current woes are all Bradley’s fault. The lack of hitting in all Chicago baseball has reached endemic levels. However, the Cubs were built for power and they seem to be saving it for a special occasion.

As always, I am here to help. Tomorrow is NATIONAL RAGGEDY ANN AND ANDY DAY. Will that work for them? It’s as good an occasion as any as far as I can tell.

Not that things have been much better on the South Side. Coming home from a wildly successful road trip, that took them from fourth place to second, the Sox settled in for a 12 game home stand and limped out with a 4-8 record. If it could go wrong, it did. The only salvation that they got out of this is that they are still within striking distance in their division. But, those rare things like “catch ball” and “hit ball” must make more regular appearances during the games if there is going to be any hope for this season.

In non-atrocity news, The Sky has their home opener tonight against the Atlanta Dream at the UIC Pavilion. Basketball afficionado, LACY J. BANKS, fills us in.

So when the Sky plays its first home game tonight against the Atlanta Dream at the UIC Pavilion, (head coach, Steven) Key hopes his players will not just defend better but also improve on an 85-point output in the season opener.

Not only does team president Margaret Stander expect a good crowd, her team also will be playing the first of five games televised by Comcast cable. Other games on Comcast are against San Antonio (July 19), at Indiana (Aug. 5), at New York (Aug. 14) and against New York (Aug. 28). Brent Stover will do play-by-play and Patricia Babcock McGraw the color commentary.

‘’We’re very happy to be partnering with Comcast,’’ Stander said. ‘’We will also provide materials for its On Demand program so that our fans can be regularly updated about what our team is doing. More games may be added as the season progresses.’’

I expect their defense to be better than it was in their season opener and I expect them to go deep into the playoffs this year.

And, in the “Nero’s tuning his fiddle” department, I just received a phone call as I was finishing this up. This is the only line you need to know; “Well, if I had a wrong number why did you answer the phone mutha****er?”

Yeah, it’s going to be one of those days.

CLICK HERE TO TALK ABOUT STUFF!

Danks and Zambrano both pitched into the 8th inning last night. Both lost their games 2-1.

Right now, every reporter who covers Chicago baseball is using the same template.

(Cubs/Sox) pitcher, __________, was out-dueled last night by __________ as the bats failed to come alive. __(manager)___ said “_______ pitched a hell of a game and we just couldn’t get to him.”

Lou Pinella, after the game, offered to photocopy all of his answers since the questions would be the same from game to game. While, in one sense, that is very helpful it is also kind of irritating. Mostly because it is so true.

Ozzie, after the game, spoke perfect English with no accent. “Photocopy” was not one of the words he used. That was seen as proof as to how upset he was. Or. as we say here at JTJ, “In Which He was P****ed!”

Anyway, since we are looking at the “same old same old ...” we may as well get our century’s worth. ELLIOTT HARRIS is hawking his book again which even I, as a Sox fan, really enjoyed. Since that is a happy thought, and I want to end this on a happy thought, I will let Elliott round this out.

BOOK BEAT: Smash hit: Hoodoo child, slight return
Let’s sign two!

Cubs icon Ernie Banks will be autographing copies of the highly acclaimed (well, it is in the Quick Hits household) Hoodoo: Unraveling the 100-Year Mystery of the Chicago Cubs on Tuesday at Harry Caray’s Italian Steakhouse, 33 W. Kinzie, from 5-7 p.m. Also signing will be the book’s co-authors, Grant DePorter, Elliott Harris and Mark Vancil. Meaning there are at least four people who think it’s a great gift for Father’s Day or any day. Signed copies also are available at Harry’s Gift Shop and online at harrycarays.com. All in an effort to help the Cubs end their century of regress (OK, and to sell a few books, too).

Just so this item won’t seem like it’s totally self-serving (hey, partly self-serving surely suffices for some of us), here are a couple of other baseball-related book items of note:

•• •• Legendary broadcaster Bob Costas says of Bert Sugar’s Baseball Hall of Fame: A Living History of America’s Greatest Game: ‘’To get a better sense of the Hall of Fame you would have to be in Cooperstown.’’ Can’t argue with him on that. Sugar’s is a work filled with photographs that complement the text. The book is out in conjunction with the 70th anniversary of the Hall of Fame, which opened July 12, 1939.

•• •• MyWrigleyville.com and the Heckler are working together on two ‘’book and rooftop’’ parties on the Wrigley Done Right rooftop. Jim McCardle (Living the Dream) will be featured on Friday and Will Byington (We Are Cubs Fans) on June 21. The price of admission ($150 per ticket) includes unlimited food and beverage, an autographed copy of the book with the author on hand that day to meet and greet. Also included will be Heckler gear, a PDF subscription to the satirical publication and 10 percent off purchases at the Heckler online store. To buy tickets, go to: http://mywrigleyville.eventbrite.com.

Buy the books, drink their beer, eat their food, style some gear, get some autographs and let’s just pretend that the season starts next week or something.

Oh, the pic? I just liked it cause it’s different.

CLICK HERE TO WALLOW IN ABJECT MISERY...

The Sun Times and MLB.com were both festooned with identical headlines today; “Contreras sparkles in return.” Well, if TV stations can share camera crews, I guess newspapers can share copy editors.

Yes, the Sox split a double header yesterday with the Tigers. Clayton Richard went out and stunk up the joint in the first game, but the team was still in a position to win in the 9th when fielding errors and boneheaded play killed any hope of victory.

In the second game Contreras figured out that the easiest way to lower your ERA is not to let anyone get on base in the first place. I don’t know why more pitchers haven’t figured that out, but there it is.

In between games 1 and 2, when the clubhouse is usually closed, Ozzie decided to allow the players a moment of quiet reflection with the local media. TONI GINNETTI (Sun Times) fills us in.

Clearly Guillen was at a boiling point after the first game, watching his team commit three errors—the last by Josh Fields on a routine ground ball by Miguel Cabrera to the left side leading to the deciding run in the ninth. But he was as livid at his team’s inability to execute at the plate to advance runners and score men from third with less than two outs.

‘’We cannot position for a play. We cannot make a play. We cannot bunt—everything, regardless of what’s going to happen with the third, fourth, fifth hitter—we hope something good.’’

With the clubhouse normally closed between games of a doubleheader, Guillen ordered it open. ‘’Let them [answer] why they’re so [bleep].’’

Yes, Ozzie’s colorful use of the English language does make an editor’s job more fun. Nevertheless, it does appear that he got his point across.

But, all of that pales by comparison to the news we are breaking today. Yesterday, I did a 30 minute interview with Anna Clemmons (ESPN - The Magazine) about our campaign to get Bobby Scales in the All Star game. She was polite, well versed on the subject and pleasant. I have no idea how she ended up at ESPN, but that is their gain. Anyway, I found out during the interview that Scales did not know about our efforts and she was going to be the one to tell him last night.

That had to be fun. I hope he understands our good intentions and doesn’t think it is all one sick joke.

Once I get the publishing date I will let you know.

However, as ELLIOTT HARRIS (Sun Times) reports, we are no longer alone in our campaign.

All-Star Scalesmanship
• • Baseball commissioner Bud Selig ought to invoke his ‘’for the good of the game’’ powers to ensure Cubs infielder/longtime minor-leaguer Bobby Scales is on the National League All-Star team. The 31-year-old rookie even has a Facebook group dedicated to him: ‘’Vote Bobby Scales Into the All-Star Game.’’ That group is unrelated to the grassroots effort of Chicago-based jaythejoke.com, which is at the forefront of trying to have Scales spend quality time in St. Louis for the July 14 contest.

If you are a member of Facebook, you can CLICK HERE to join the group.

And, as long as you are in the mood for clicking on links, CLICK HERE to write in your vote for Bobby Scales for the NL All Star Team at 2nd Base.

Oh? The pic? I just liked it because it’s sparkly.

CLICK HERE TO EMBRACE YOUR INNER SPARKLE!

Oh, okay, I guess we can start with the obvious stuff. First and foremost, here is hoping that the Colon Experiment (there’s a phrase you NEVER want to hear your doctor utter), is over. AS WE NOTED, he allowed 6 runs on eight hits in five innings. Those numbers get you benched in 2A. They do not belong on a team that is trying to compete in MLB.

Anyway, yes, the Sox lost again last night. Thanks in no small part to the above.

The Cubs almost left their entire starting roster on base, twice, last night when they stranded 15 runners in scoring position. But, for a nice change of pace, they won this one against the Reds and pulled themselves into sole possession of 3rd place in the NL Central.

Even so, they denied Randy Wells (he of the 3rd lowest ERA in MLB) a win. That has got to get irritating at some point. But, to his credit, it does not seem like he’s hit that point yet.

All right, you good? Really? Cool. Now, let’s talk about fun stuff.

THE CHICAGO SKY, our very own WNBA franchise, just kicked off their 4th season here and, this year, appear to be poised to finally join the upper echelons of Women’s Professional Basketball. They have been picked by many, including this pickled prognosticator, to make the playoffs this year.  CLICK HERE to join our degenerate crew in wishing The Sky a successful 2009 campaign.

And, while the team and its coaches are concentrating on making the playoffs, maybe you can help us figure something out. Is the Sky’s mascot a buzz fueled homage to Duff Beer or a Duff Beer fueled homage to Buzz Lightyear? While even social neantherdals, such as myself, could see the fun in having male cheerleaders for the team (which the Sky do not) as a way to tweak the current culture of the NBA, the mascot is just creepy and dumb. Oh well, it’s not going to be the reason the Sky are successful this year, so maybe someone might want to put a second thought into that.

THE CHICAGO RED STARS, Chicago’s first Women’s Professional Soccer team, joins their brethren, The Fire, at Toyota Park. Though a brand new team and struggling in the standings, they put on an exciting brand of soccer and look poised to be an integral part of the Chicago sports’ scene for years to come. Maybe even more importantly, they understand the City they are representing.

The team name and logo unveiling occurred at a ceremony at Toyota Park June 4, 2008. The choice of Red Stars supported the popular vote of a two-month Name-the-Team Sweepstakes that saw the fans lobby overwhelmingly for Red Stars from ten nominated names, all of which incorporated the city of Chicago’s civic lore.

As a part of the fabric of Chicago and its diverse soccer community, it is appropriate that the team takes its name, colors and logo from the City of Chicago’s Municipal Flag. The flag elements in the logo include the four six-pointed red stars, which each represent a landmark event in Chicago history: Fort Dearborn, the Great Chicago Fire and the World’s Fairs hosted by Chicago in 1893 and 1933.

CLICK HERE to learn even more about the Red Stars and Women’s Professional Soccer.

On a lighter note, Chicago also welcomes THE CHICAGO BLISS as a full time sports franchise. While originally only a 2 team league in 2004 (Chicago & Dallas), the Lingerie Football League has now expanded to 10 teams and a real schedule of games that count towards playoff spots. You can cheer the Bliss at the Sears Centre Arena in Hoffman Estates. Oh, and for those fans who can’t get enough of the ‘85 Bears, Dennis McKinnon is the head coach of the Bliss and their Friday night games look to be a lot of fun for all who attend.

Horizon P., Inc. is excited to announce Chicago’s Sears Centre Arena will serve as the stage for the Lingerie Football League’s (LFL) opening night extravaganza on Friday, Sept 4, 2009 featuring the Miami Caliente vs. Chicago Bliss.

‘Opening Night’ celebrations at the Sears Centre Arena will kick-off at 3PM CST with the ‘Ultimate Catfight Tailgate’ party including National Recording Artists, Celebrities, Former Chicago Bear Greats, Football Challenges, Video Game Lounges, Beer Gardens etc. “We are incredibly excited to kick-off the much-anticipated inaugural LFL season in a city so rich in football tradition and in a modern state-of-the-art arena like the Sears Centre Arena. The LFL will bring fans across the country a high-energy atmosphere of fierce and compelling football on Friday nights,” said Mitchell S. Mortaza, LFL Chairman & President.

So far the LFL has been “wardrobe malfunction” free, but hope springs eternal for social neantherdals, such as me.

CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!

Talk about things not bouncing their way. Jermaine Dye got a 2 game suspension for accidentally bouncing his helmet off an ump. That sux. The Sox have gone 23 straight innings without scoring a run. That sux. The vaunted grinder mentality appears more akin to a limp Hoagie than its namesake. That sux. Ozzie is being forced to play a rookie who has less than 60 games under his belt, total, in the minors. That sux. A team that, less than a week ago, had dragged itself up from a battle for last place to be within striking distance of first, is now 4 games under .500. That sux.

Simply put, no matter which way you turn the mirror, you see a lot of sux.

What drives me freaking bat guano crazy about this is that there is not a valid reason for this team to sux like this. What makes matters worse is that you can’t point at one position and say “replace this guy with that guy and all will be well.” Heck, there isn’t even really “that guy” available even if you could.

Right now the Sox seem to have all the right players in place to make a serious run in their division. But, appearances can be, and are, deceiving. It is almost like they have forgotten what to do with that little round white thing people keep throwing at them.

Since no one asked me and even fewer people care, allow me to offer a suggestion. Close the clubhouse door, have a kegger party and get it out of their systems. This team is tighter than a 17 year old virgin in the back seat of a Chevy.

And, in both cases, something’s gotta give.

On to the North Side. Yesterday Carlos Zambrano managed to slightly injure his left hand, so he switched to hitting righty and drilled a ball into the center field seats. He also pitched one hell of a game to help the Cubs beat the Reds 2-1.

This is in keeping with the Big-Z tradition of coming back to the game after an absence and being a focused world beater. If this pattern holds true, then a couple of games from now the little bunnies in his head will once again strap on their transgenic wings and begin buzzing around singing Japanese love songs in Yiddish.

But, until then, yesterday was exactly what the doctor ordered for the Cubs and marked only their second game this year where they have recorded a victory while scoring less than 4 runs.

Although Bobby Scales did not play yesterday our little campaign to get him on the All Star ballot is heating up. I won’t go into details yet, but it is becoming more and more clear that we are not alone in thinking that the All Star game should reward, at least, one player who epitomizes all that is good about baseball.

CLICK HERE to vote for Bobby Scales into the NL All Star Team at 2nd Base.

In the meantime, it’s Saturday and you have better things to do, like rearrange your underwear drawer, but until you get that motivated, CLICK HERE TO LEARN TO SPELL SUX PROPERLY.

The politics of pay-for-play and skimming and old-fashioned, suspender-snapping, cigar-chomping, big-bellied ‘’Where’s mine?’’ clout is so vibrant and alive and grotesquely arrogant here in Chicago that it is very nearly a breathing, slime-dripping creature worthy of a Star Wars-style nuclear assault.

There must be ramifications for being blatantly corrupt and/or stupid.

RICK TELANDER (Sun Times - on left in photo) may have missed another exciting opportunity to buy me a beer last night but he had a valid excuse this time. He was home writing this masterpiece.

When we, or NO GAMES CHICAGO, howl against the insanity of the 2016 Olympic bid, it is easy to write us off as kooks on the fringe. Which, all things considered, is better than kooks wearing fringe. But Telander has an audience. And, in his case, a far more literate one than the traditional sportswriter. So when he writes about something like this, people will actually pay attention. Today he pulls no punches while letting readers know exactly how he feels and why he feels that way.

Sorry, all you business and political big shots who are trying to ram this Olympics-are-good-for-you thing down the citizens’ throats.

You blew it.

You didn’t change your appetites, your sloth, your animal dumbness.

Why, just a month ago, Michael Scott, the president of the Chicago Public Schools board, sent an e-mail to all the city’s school principals telling them to raise the Chicago 2016 Olympic flag and start promoting Mayor Daley’s pet project.

Think that’s unbiased?

Think there might not be, uh, ‘’problems’’ for reluctant or skeptical principals?

This is the town where boating clubs have already been warned by the Chicago Yachting Association that there might be ‘’retribution’’ for opposing the Olympic bid and the water and harbor difficulties the Games will create.

He goes on to list the foibles of various politicians, well at least the recent ones since he doesn’t have infinite space for a column. But, from international bug eating to federal indictments, none come up looking good.

Dear God, we don’t ask for decency in Chicago or Illinois politics. We don’t even ask for intelligence. But is it wrong to ask for something less than slapstick?

The clown car that houses the people who are trying to force us to accept this Olympic bid may continue to roll on, but hopefully today’s article will deflate at least one of the tires. I’ll let Rick sum up the situation for you in case you missed all the memos we posted.

Do you know how much money Chicago stands to lose in this deal? Are you a wheeler-dealer? A connected guy? A Daley relative hooked up to pension-fund investments?

You’ll pay, if you’re not.

I guarantee you.

I promise you.

Our very own Tyrone Briggs has already started a thread, CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE PARTY!

Jay The Joke hosts over 100 active sites and has about another ten in various stages of development festooned with “COMING SOON” banners. Oddly enough, many are funeral homes. I bring this up because, this morning, the SMTP function took a dump. That meant not one single person who trusts us to keep their internet presence alive could send an email.

Which, as it turned out, worked in my favor since no one could write to complain. Anyway, about 15 minutes after we discovered the problem, it was fixed.

So then, as is my wont, I trolled the various web boards and so on to see what would make an interesting topic for the day. I discovered that the Cubs had put 15 players on the DL, 2 pitchers had their arms just fall off and Bobby Scales turned out to be an axe murderer who favors lace sun-dresses and high heeled sneakers.

At least it seemed like that.

Yes, the Cubs lost in epic fashion last night. Their pitcher Randy Wells, who has the third best ERA in MLB, was once again denied a win. This time, after flirting with a no hitter, he handed the team a 4 run lead when he left in the 8th inning and watched it go up in smoke so fast you would have thought Tommy Chong was pitching.

GORDON WITTENMYER (Sun Times) takes a look at what happened.

Before the marquee bullpen guys coughed up the lead and eventually turned what should have been Wells’ first big-league win into a seventh straight road loss, 6-5 in 12 innings at Turner Field.

‘’That one shouldn’t get away,’’ manager Lou Piniella said. ‘’Really, we just gave them the ballgame, with a nice little ribbon.’’

Different versions of the same act have plagued this high-paid, two-time defending division champion throughout what has already become a season of sprung leaks, sprained legs and sparks-flying attitudes.

But, as has been noted by smarter minds than mine, the Cubs have a lot of people out with injuries, are starting rookies in almost every game and are still within striking distance of first place being only four games out. However, as our new best friend Gordon (he’ll get that memo one of these days) notes, that roster on the DL is now starting to total more salary than some teams have.

With $23 million worth of star value on the disabled list in Aramis Ramirez and Rich Harden, $17.75 million ace Zambrano suspended and $30 million free agent Milton Bradley hobbling off the field in the fourth inning, ...

So what’s going to happen? All those guys on the DL except for, maybe, Ramirez will come back. Most should hit. And then the Cubs will be fine. Will they win the World Series? Beats the heck out of me, they haven’t played one in a while so it’s hard to know what they’ll do if they get there.

But, unless they want their fans all living in rubber rooms, I would strongly suggest they get there to find out.

In the meantime, on the South Side, that whirring sound you heard was 30 major league scouts demanding that their teams call up any arm in 3A whenever they face the Sox. Potential Cy Young winners? Nope, the Sox handed him his hat. League leader in ERA? No problem, here’s your hat and there’s the door. Some acne faced kid who has NEVER pitched in MLB? He mows them down. So far this season, in 6 tries by kids against the Sox, the kids are 5-1 with an average ERA of 1.57.

Some people may be dense, but not that dense. Look forward to seeing more kids called up against the Sox if they don’t figure this out. 

I already started a thread, so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!

Saavik: Admiral, may I ask you a question?
Kirk: What’s on your mind, Lieutenant?
Saavik: The Kobayashi Maru, sir.
Kirk: Are you asking me if we’re playing out that scenario now?
Saavik: On the test, sir… will you tell me what you did? I would really like to know.
McCoy: Lieutenant, you are looking at the only Starfleet cadet who ever beat the no-win scenario.
Saavik: How?
Kirk: I reprogrammed the simulation so it was possible to rescue the ship.
Saavik: What?
David Marcus: He cheated.
Kirk: I changed the conditions of the test; got a commendation for original thinking. I don’t like to lose.
Saavik: Then you never faced that situation… faced death.
Kirk: I don’t believe in the no-win scenario.

It has been awhile since we’ve picked on our blog’s namesake, hasn’t it?

Right on cue, Jay Mariotti of AWOL dot com infamy, delivers his sermon opus over the decline of civilization and human decency all wrapped up inside the gummy bear candy wrapper found securely in the back pocket of Derrick Rose’s trousers.

All this of course, being four days after the story broke. Evidently, Jay required additional soul searching time to chisel his latest pontification upon granite tablets. Well, at least a tiny bit of credit to Mariotti for actually admitting his tardiness:

Rose needs to come out of hiding and say something, anything. The longer he stays quiet—the story broke four days ago—the more guilty he is in the eyes of the public. If he was innocent, wouldn’t he be voicing outrage about the allegations?

Perhaps Jay was hoping for a text message from Derrick Rose to give him that all too vital exclusive scoop. It is rather easy to picture Jay’s fantasy of a sobbing Derrick Rose being invited down to the bunker for a little shared couch time. In exchange for the red only gummy bears, a contrite Rose confesses his mortal sin to Sister Jay of cheating on his SATs in order to gain entrance into Memphis. Repentance in the Church of Mariotti does not come cheap or without self-sacrifice. Just ask Ben Wallace and his vinyl lookalike.

But alas, Derrick never did reach out to Jay and consequently, the dozen or so loyal sports readers of AWOL Fanhouse are subjected to more of the same old stale complaints of the atrocities of the NCAA.

It is all so absurd. 

In his infinite wisdom, NBA head wonk David Stern decided that his league would no longer hold the American ideal that those that best qualify for jobs would gain admittance. Oh no. And we are all well aware of the on the court busts and disappointment of Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett and LeBron James. It is obvious to all basketball fans that those three have no business playing in the NBA, right?

Clearly, it makes perfect sense that a young man of 18 years of age can be potentially drafted into military service in order to defend American freedom but he cannot play NBA hoops. So Stern instituted his own form of conscription. At least one year of college ball has been required.

To be perfectly honest, Derrick Rose is a terrific basketball player but a lousy student. And when you play basketball in Chicago, such a matter is quickly irrelevant. After all, the Chicago way has served fat cat politicians and their cronies for decades. 

This time, a young kid took benefit from an age old corrupt system that has plagued this city for generations.

Was it wrong? Yes. Is it the end of the world? Nope.

Mariotti carefully sprinkles praise for President Obama’s somewhat interest in encouraging reform of the NCAA’s BCS. Obviously, there is nothing more important going on right now in this country than providing Utah an opportunity to win a national championship.

However, if Jay were truly interested in pursuing this path of encouraging Big Government into the world of the NCAA, a better place to start is the recruiting shenanigans all too common in practice of these college/jock mills. Yet typically, the pundit takes the easy way out. After all, it is hardly fashionable these days to be critical of the Commander in Chief now serving in the Oval Office.

Payoffs, falsification of student records, unfair business practices, pay to play principles and complete denial after the fact?

Yes, it sounds that Derrick Rose has indeed learned everything that is to be offered from the Chicago Public School system.

And here is he is now today, a self made millionaire providing financial security for his family. All this achieved without resorting to wearing a wire tap and becoming a federal informant ratting out his peers. 

Oh the horror.

In the end, it is still Derrick Rose’s physical abilities as a basketball player that got him to the NBA. For those dismayed over the course of his journey to becoming a professional, better point that accusatory finger elsewhere first. A hell of a lot of people made tons of money off Rose during his one year of service as a conscript in the NCAA.

Don’t hate the player. Hate the system.

And Jay? Keep on enjoying those gummy bears.

C’mom kids, gather round, it’s time to get down to the boogie town sounds as we watch those platters go round and round ...

I got to thinking about old time radio this morning as I listened to a couple of Cubs’ fans bemoan their fate. It was like hearing an old song you wished you could get out of your head but somehow, it just kept popping up at the most importune times. You know what I mean; it’s like when you are trying to please your wife and suddenly you can’t get Three Little Fishies by Ishkabibble out of your head. It just ruins everything.

RICK MORRISSEY (Tribune) wonders what Cubs’ fans are thinking as well. Albeit, without the cool radio voice that I do so well.

“I feel encouraged,” Piniella said Sunday afternoon. “I really do.”

But, Lou, baby, sweetheart, you’re in fourth place in the National League Central. People are concerned. It wasn’t so long ago that you were on a miserable eight-game losing streak.

And now you’re overflowing with confidence? Isn’t that like contemplating dance lessons during a shark attack?

“We’ve got probably four or five players here in the lineup that you’ll see [their] batting average go up 30, 40 points,” Piniella said. “That will dictate to me that we’ll score more runs more consistently.”

Hope should spring eternal for Cubs’ fans, especially now that Soriano, during the post game press conference, figured out that it is not his bad knee that is causing him problems.

“That’s going to happen to me, going three, four weeks without hitting a homer; then I get my hitting back, and I become a very dangerous hitter,” Soriano said.

“I have to be more selective at home plate and swing at more strikes.”

See? All he has to do is stop swinging at balls that are in the dirt and all will be well. One wonders if Pinella keeps a bottle of bourbon in the dugout.

Seriously though, the Cubs are built to hit and they will. Their pitching has been better than advertised and is the primary reason they are 4 games out of first instead of 14. Even so, two very odd facts that have been missed this season are pointed out by RICK TELANDER (Sun Times) today;

First;

Theoretically, the Cubs could field an entirely left-handed-hitting team with Kosuke Fukudome, Milton Bradley and Micah Hoffpauir in the outfield, Mike Fontenot at third, the injured Aaron Miles at shortstop, Andres Blanco at second, Bobby Scales at first, Koyie Hill catching and bat-nut Zambrano pitching right and swinging at everything that moves or doesn’t move left-handed.

And, Second;

… consider that DeRosa, a good clubhouse guy, batted .333 in that sad Dodgers playoff series, had the Cubs’ only home run and led the team in RBI with four. He was the problem?

One other oddity. Every Cub who had an RBI in the 2008 playoffs—DeRosa, Daryle Ward and Jim Edmonds—is gone. Hmm.

It’s as though the regular season is now 100 percent irrelevant for the Cubs.

I said they’d be fine, I never said they’d be normal.

On the South Side, the White Sox finally swept a series by beating the Royals 7-4 this Sunday, after coming close in their three previous attempts. JOE COWLEY (Sun Times) takes a look at the Sox alleged recent improvement.

The Royals wouldn’t argue that point, especially after watching the Sox (24-25) sweep a three-game series. And not even Royals ace Zack Greinke could derail the suddenly back-from-the-dead Sox.

Greinke entered the game with an 8-1 record and hadn’t allowed more than two earned runs in his first 10 starts. But Scott Podsednik led off the game with a triple and scored on Jim Thome’s RBI single. By the fifth, the Sox had four runs (three earned), officially making it Greinke’s worst start of the season and boosting his ERA to 1.10.

And this was the same team that made Brett Cecil and Robert Ray look like Cy Young Award candidates in mid-May.

So, with the latest announcement from Roy Oswalt (whom nobody actually asked) the number of National League pitchers who continue to hide from being forced to pitch in the American League continues to swell. And, despite that, the Sox just keep on winning having moved from a battle for last place to a battle for first in just under three weeks.

I guess all those high priced arms don’t want the added pressure of actually having their wins count for something in the Fall.

On the bandwagon front, with the move of Fontenot to 3rd as a starter, that puts Bobby Scales at second for the majority of games. So, CLICK HERE to vote for Bobby Scales into the NL All Star Team at 2nd Base.

CLICK HERE TO BOOGIE WITH US!

Yesterday I had all of this reality stuff to deal with and didn’t get to have my valuable play time up here. But, since all of that worked out to the benefit of my company, I guess I should just shut up and realize that there are going to be those days where I have to do the stuff they pay me to do.

However, today, unshackled from those egregious burdens, I am back.

I bet you’re whole day just got brighter knowing that.

Oddly enough, the world did not stop spinning and news did not stop happening. Our elected officials continued to embarrass themselves at epic levels, a prestigious university admitted that some of its graduates couldn’t have gotten hired there as janitorial staff except for the influence of their powerful families and both Chicago baseball teams played baseball yesterday.

I am going to stick with the baseball stuff.

Yesterday, the Cubs did something they have not done all year. They won a game while scoring less than four runs. DAVE VAN DYCK (Tribune) takes a look at the story.

The Cubs beat the Dodgers 2-1 Friday!

Yes, that is an exclamation point, and yes, it is needed, because this was a very rare victory.

It was the first time since Sept. 11 that the Cubs won a game while scoring fewer than four runs, which wouldn’t seem all that hard. Unless you’re the 2009 Cubs, who were 0-19 while trying to do it.

The thank-you cards should go to Ted Lilly and two hitters—Koyie Hill and Jake Fox—who were part of an unusual 2-1 loss just the night before.

After losing by that exact same score the night before and wasting Hill in a bizarre non-at-bat in that game, the Cubs came out and played a solid all around game, got a couple of calls to go their way and got to fly the “W” flag with pride. Hopefully, for the sake of our blue bleeding members, this is a sign of good things to come.

Just for the kids at home who care deeply about this, Bobby Scales went one for four yesterday. That one, however, put Jake Fox at third where Fukudome could drive Fox in with a sarifice fly for the winning run.

CLCIK HERE to vote for Bobby Scales into the NL All Star Team at 2nd Base. Yes, I know he played 3rd yesterday, vote for him at 2nd anyway.

On the South Side, Lance Broadway (aptly named if he were a porn star) was shipped to the Mets in return for back-up catcher Ramon Castro (an excellent name for the pool boy in any romance novel) and their current back up catcher, Corky Miller (a good name for an imaginary sock puppet), got shipped off to 3A.

Oh, and the Sox won the game too. JOE COWLEY (Sun Times) fills us in on that fun little fact and the ongoing development of Clayton Richard.

Making his fourth start since taking over the spot vacated by Jose Contreras, who demoted himself to Class AAA Charlotte, the second-year left-hander went seven innings, allowing two runs and six hits while walking one and fanning seven in an 11-2 Sox victory over the Royals.

Richard is 2-0 with a 2.70 ERA during this stint in the rotation, and that’s even including a four-run, 3 1/3-inning debut as a starter in Cleveland, when he wasn’t fully stretched out coming from his spot as a middle reliever.

Sox starters now have allowed three earned runs or less in 11 consecutive starts, posting a 7-2 record and 1.92 ERA over this run.

So the Sox, like Stella before them, seem to be getting their groove back. Yes, that was cheesy as heck but I don’t care. I’m having a good day and I am not about to let you screw it up.

CLICK HERE TO TALK ABOUT BASEBALL.

There is something in the water down at the Madhouse on Madison. The Bulls, seemingly Lottery Pick locks last September made it to the playoffs and gave the defending champion Celtics a series that will long be remembered. In fact many are already calling it the best single series ever played in the history of the NBA.

I won’t disagree with them.

The Blackhawks, picked by many to be “better than last year” and maybe make it to the playoffs not only made the playoffs, they won the first two rounds and only lost in the third to the world champion Detroit Red Wings. They should all be very proud of this season. I am sure that we will have many more good ones to come.

But, do you see the similarities?

Both teams are young, both teams have long years ahead with their core players and both, while losing to champions, did not go down easy. If you are a fan of basketball or hockey in this town, you just saw the dawning of a very bright future.

This just in, Joakim Noah was applauded for sharing his dinner rolls at La Scarola and Jonathan Toews drank his first, legal, post-season beer.

In baseball, as TYRONE noted below, Carlos Zambrano decided to take his place in the Cubbie clown car and is likely to be suspended for a bit. Lost in all the hoopla is the fact that the Cubs won their first complete game in ten tries.

I don’t know if this is a sign that they have turned a corner or just another reaffirmation of the old adage “even a blind squirrel sometimes finds a nut.” Simply put, the combined recent actions of Bradley, Lilly and Zambrano do not indicate a team that is in control. Contrariwise, they seem to be coming apart at the seams. So much so that this would be a good time for Gatorade to show off it’s new TITANIUM ENCASED DISPENSER. It could be all the rage (as it were). The only plus we get out of recent developments is that Bobby Scales never made it back to the minors, being recalled before his plane left to replace the injured Ryan Feel. He’ll be in the lineup tomorrow.

CLICK HERE to vote for Bobby Scales into the NL All Star Team at 2nd Base.

On the other side of town, the White Sox just won their third consecutive series and SCOTT LINEBRINK called Phil Rogers (Tribune) misinformed (to be polite). Not directly, but you’ll get the idea. Joe Cowley (Sun Times) reports on Linebrink’s reaction to being told that Rogers called the Peavy trade a charade.

Scott Linebrink called the very idea of it laughable.

The notion that White Sox general manager Ken Williams knew all along that Jake Peavy would block the trade from San Diego, allowing him to at least show the fans—“Hey, at least I’m trying.”

“I don’t think that went into it at all,” Linebrink said Wednesday before the 3-1 loss to the Angels. “When [Ken] spoke to me, he was excited to get a pitcher the caliber of Jake and wanted me to do whatever I could to talk to Jake, because I had a personal relationship with him, and answer any questions he might have had, so I don’t think he would have gone through all of that trouble if it was all for show.”

Well, when Ozzie Guillen is the sanest man in town and getting the least amount of press, you know that sports in this town are going to be a fun read this summer.

CLICK HERE TO KICK THE TIRES ON THE CLOWN CAR!

[Rick Vaughn is pitching to Jack Parkman during practice]
Jack Parkman: What do you call that garbage?
Rick Vaughn: It’s my eliminator. I’ve got another pitch. You get a piece of it, I’ll let you name it.
[Vaughn pitches and Parman hits the ball out of the park]
Jack Parkman: I’d, uh, call it the masturbator.

Is anyone really surprised?

Team Meathead had a really good yuck over yesterday’s ball game. Yes, indeed it was truly hilarious. The supposed ace of the starting rotation throws a wild pitch. Consequently, that leads to a play at the plate and the umpire quite correctly calls the runner safe.

It was not even that close. Despite the homerism antics of the shameless duo of club owned broadcasters Bob Brenly and Len Kasper.

And quite predictably, the fireworks began. A bit late mind you since Memorial Day has already come and gone.

Evidently, Carlos Zambrano was not having any of that correct call at the plate crappola. After all, the entire umpire crew in major league baseball is conspiring against the Chicago Cubs. Just ask Malignant Milty and his .196 batting average.

Malignant Milty’s newly infected buddy felt terribly wronged. How dare home plate umpire Mark Carlson call Nyjer Morgan safe at the plate? So what if the call was right? Baby Z wanted Morgan to be out because.... well he is Carlos Zambrano sporting a 3-2 record in 2009!

Another conspiracy…

Never one loss at words, the ball club’s designated $30 million tumor praised the antics of his latest victim:

‘’That was pretty impressive,’’ the fiery outfielder said. ‘’It was on a Bradley level.’’

“Bradley level” equates to another suspension to be levied by Bob Watson. As if the Cubs can really afford to risk throwing away even more games because it is more imperative to act like a horse’s ass on the ball diamond. 

All this after Ted Lilly was just recently exonerated after being ejected from a game for arguing balls and strikes in a game that he was not even pitching.  Conceivably, the Cubs could have lost up to two starting pitchers to highly avoidable suspensions. All this unnecessary drama in a series against the Pittsburgh Pirates, a team with a promising future but should hardly be invoking such remarkably stupid tirades.

To be fair, Carlos Zambrano was a wingnut before the arrival of Malignant Milty. However, fans have always been forgiving of Baby Z’s outbursts due to the seduction of the pitcher’s oozing potential to becoming a first rate ace of the staff. The act is growing old for a man turning 28 years old who has yet to achieve a 20 win season or win a single playoff start. Just like his compatriot better known as DH in the Outfield, he is his own worst enemy. And the narcissism is killing this organization.

After the game of course, Baby Z was contrite and apologetic. That probably bears no comfort to either the now thoroughly destroyed Gatorade refreshment machine or pitching coach Larry Rothschild who nearly was bonked on the head while Z was taking some extra batting practice in the dugout. 

This is not the type of “fire” that results in team championship seasons. But it appears this team has already given that quest up.

Seemingly, Jim Hendry continues (at least in public) to be in complete denial over his 2009 Miltensteen plagued team as evident in an interview with Fred Mitchell:

“Some of the moves work out right away and some of them take a little time to work out,” Hendry said. “And sometimes they don’t work. It’s just part of the gig.”

Dumping Mark De Rosa has not worked. Neither has kicking Kerry Wood to the curb. Jason Marquis’ exile? Debatable at best. Jake Peavy is still in San Diego. And Malignant Milty continues to sulk and lurk in the clubhouse seeking out his next victim.

Most of this country cannot afford health insurance coverage for cancer treatment. However in Wrigleyville, Jim Hendry paid millions to purposefully infect an already disease susceptible ball club that has failed to win a single playoff again in consecutive back to back post seasons.

It does not appear that this season will have to concern itself with post season anxiety for the Cubs. End stage for Malignant Milty will probably claim the life of this team much sooner than October. And predictably, it will be the fault of everyone (the media, the umpires, the fans, the curse, the goat, Jim Riggleman, etc etc etc) but the players wearing the uniform.

The symptoms of Malignant Milty are not exactly hidden or undocumented.

Just ask the Indians. Or the Dodgers. Or anyone in Washington with a faint hint of a french accent. Or San Diego. And of course, Texas.

Perhaps if the disease had first struck Baltimore, Jim Hendry would have had a clearer heads up from his garbage collecting pal, Andy MacPhail.

As for Zambrano, all the natural talent in the world will never overcompensate for that two cent melon resting atop those broad shoulders with a one inch fuse attached. And that is really unfortunate. It is why baseball fans will forever honor the name MADDUX and ask “who was that guy again” while being entertained by yesterday’s clown act on YouTube.

Hope it was all worth it.

Sherilyn (the male transvestite) collaborates to attempt to censor my sites fromtheir (sic) search engine services, and place his abusive one above mine (in sequence of order through keywords allows it to come up first over mine) as I have tried to list my sites with some of them for as long as 6 months to no avail...”—Edmond H. Wollmann

“There always is,” he replied. “No matter what, I’m the type of guy [where] I don’t care what somebody does to a colleague of mine. I’m not going to treat him any differently. I do things straight up, because I’m a straight-up, honest individual.

“Unfortunately, I just think it’s a lot of ‘Oh, you did this to my colleague,’ or ‘We’re going to get him any time we can. As soon as he gets two strikes, we’re going to call whatever and see what he does. Let’s try to ruin Milton Bradley.’

“It’s just unfortunate. But I’m going to come out on top. I always do.” - Milton Bradley

I just thought that Uncle Milty might feel better if he knew that he wasn’t alone in his perceptions of reality.

US NEWS offers help to paranoiacs.
1. Try not to dwell.

2 . Get perspective.

3 . Examine the evidence.

4 . Think kindly of thyself.

5 . Sleep, eat, and exercise regularly.

First off, the US News article linked above goes into much more detail than the bullet points I have highlighted. If you are feeling like “they” are out to “get you” you might want to give it a read.

To Uncle Milty (the Cubs’ player, not the famous 50’s drag queen with the legendary appendage), I have only this to say; you are claiming that a fraternity of men who have trouble with the concept that “the tie goes to the runner” and who can’t agree on what a strike zone is have somehow managed to coalesce into an agency of doom for your career?

Please.

These guys could screw up a one car funeral. There is no way that they are organized enough to do what you claim.

STEVE ROSENBLOOM (Chicago Tribune), whose subtle version of ‘sledgehammer hitting watermelon’ style of humor seems to elude some people, takes a look at Uncle Mitly’s claims.

Just because Milton Bradley is paranoid doesn’t mean he’s wrong.

It also doesn’t mean he’s doing the Cubs much good by offering his conspiracy theories.

Of course, it wasn’t his fault. It never seems to be Bradley’s fault, according to Bradley, even though it was indeed Bradley who got mad about umpire Larry Vanover’s strike-three call, started arguing with Vanover, and got too close and made contact, and got suspended.

And then this weekend, Bradley told Our Guy Paul Sullivan the umps have had it in for him since then. Painted the whole conspiracy theory for hitting below the Mendoza line:

“I just think it’s a lot of ‘Oh, you did this to my colleague,’ or ‘We’re going to get him any time we can. As soon as he gets two strikes, we’re going to call whatever and see what he does. Let’s try to ruin Milton Bradley.’’’

Bradley is obviously aware of how widespread umpire conspiracies can be. The umps were particularly effective working with the CIA and organized crime in assassinating JFK.

But anyway, after Sully wrote it accurately, Bradley declared the Tribune “tricked’’ him. Bradley didn’t say he was misquoted. He didn’t say the umps weren’t out to get him. Just said he was tricked. Said he was caught in a weak moment. Which tells me that he believes the co-conspirator paranoia. So, Sully wrote it right and Bradley was wrong.

Bradley at least he admitted he made a mistake “talking real reckless,’’ which kind of blows up Bradley’s own story that he was “tricked.’’

- AND -

Bradley can’t seem to stick around very long. He has been with four teams in the last three seasons. He has never lasted more than two full seasons with any franchise. Perhaps we’re seeing a piece of why.

Let’s face it, whatever spark Milton Bradley brings to a team will end up in an epic conflagration. Even if the guy hits .350 for the rest of the season, something, somehow, somewhere, is going to set him off. And, then what? The Cubs can’t sit him and he will be a major distraction to a team that really doesn’t need any more.

Oh well, CLICK HERE TO POUR FIRE ON THE GASOLINE!

So, today, I woke up, fed the cats and the fish, answered some email and then, at 6:30 AM, got a phone call from Guy Bauer, the Executive Producer of the JOHNNY B. MORNING SHOW. We were going to do the interview today.

And at 8:55 AM, we did.

Johnny, like ELLIOTT HARRIS (Sun Times) before him, took our campaign seriously. We ended up having a very fun interview and getting across our message in a pleasantly clear fashion. As I WROTE on May 16th, we have very valid reasons for supporting Bobby to be an All Star this year.

Scales truly embodies the qualities of what a major league player should be. He is humble, grateful and talented. He has been in the minors for 10 years. During that time there were a lot of teams he could have started for, but he wasn’t on them. Instead of bemoaning his fate or lashing out at others, he continued to get better. And, this year, the Cubs are reaping the benefits of his work ethic and commitment to the game.

Moreover, he and his wife have made sacrifices for each other so that they can both live out their dreams for the rest of their lives. That devotion, to things greater than self aggrandizement, alone should earn him your vote.

We ask you to join us in helping get Bobby Scales into the 2009 All Star Game. Not only is it the right thing to do, it will leave the national media scratching their heads for the rest of the season. That’s just a bonus to keep you happy.

CLICK HERE to vote for Bobby Scales into the NL All Star Team at 2nd Base.

You can do it, we have faith in you.

In other Bobby Scales news, despite suffering from the flu and being a scratch for last night’s game, Bobby came in to pinch hit last night. It is that kind of team spirit that makes us continue to support him, even though he didn’t actually get a hit.

In other Cubs news, Milton Bradley got tricked into answering a question by a reporter who, and this is really sneaky, asked him one. If Milton does any more backpedaling concerning his rant about MLB umpires all he will need is a unicycle and he can get a job with Cirque du Solei.

Nevertheless, the Cubs scored 8 runs last night and lost 10-8 anyway. Keeping the Cubbie tradition of “this can only happen to the Cubs” alive, Ted Lilly got ejected from the game. He wasn’t playing, wasn’t in the line up and still argued balls and strikes with the ump. He spoke after the game and said he would be surprised if he got fined. For those of us who saw it, we will be surprised if that’s all that happens. He came out of the dug out, may have bumped the ump and was not active during the game. That is a recipe for a long sit down from MLB.

In happier news (at least for me), the White Sox faced, their long time nemesis, the L.A. Angels of Anaheim (which is conveniently down the road from Disney Land and other attractions, see your travel agent for details) and held on to a 17-3 win.

Jim Thome moved up to the #13 spot for all time home runs but the team was energized by the combined efforts of Pods and Alex Ramirez who got 8 hits and 4 RBI’s between them. They are starting to look like the team we were promised in Spring Training.

On a more subdued note, I would like to pass along the sympathies from all of us here at Jay The Joke to the family of Ozzie Guillen. Ozzie’s father in law passed away yesterday. Ozzie will stay in Venezuela for a while and Joey Cora will continue to manage in the interim.

CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!

[the Sandlot Kids and their arch-rivals come face-to-face]
Phillips: It’s easy when you play with rejects and a fat kid, Rodriguez.
Benny: Shut your mouth, Phillips!
Ham Porter: What’d you say, crap face?
Phillips: You shouldn’t be allowed to touch a baseball. Except for Rodriguez, you’re all an insult to the game.
Ham Porter: Come on! We’ll take you on, right here! Right now! Come on!
Sandlot Kids: Yeah!
Phillips: We play on a real diamond, Porter. You ain’t good enough to lick the dirt off our cleats.
Ham Porter: Watch it, jerk!
Phillips: Shut up, idiot!
Ham Porter: Moron!
Phillips: Scab eater!
Ham Porter: Butt sniffer!
Phillips: Pus licker!
Ham Porter: Fart smeller!
Bertram: [sniffs] Ahh.
Phillips: You eat dog crap for breakfast, geek!
Ham Porter: You mix your Wheaties with your mama’s toe jam!
Sandlot Kids: Yeah!
Phillips: You bob for apples in the toilet! And you like it!
Ham Porter: You play ball like a giiirrrrrrrrl!
[entire group stands in shocked silence]
Phillips: What did you say?
Ham Porter: You heard me.
Phillips: Tomorrow. Noon, at our field. Be there, buffalo-butt breath.
Ham Porter: Count on it, pee-drinking crap-face!

Groundhog Day. Bill Murray style.

No matter how the sequence of events unfold during a game, the outcome is always the same.

Cubs - L.

So much for those rally caps. However, I have to admit to actually enjoying the little dugout team chemistry and unity demonstrated, attributes somewhat lacking in this 2009 season.

The hitting displayed by this team creates the illusion of a good opposing pitcher being great (hello Chris Carpenter). And great pitchers appear as first ballot hall of famers (looking at you Jake Peavy). And no names just looking to earn a steady paycheck must now be imploring their agents and managers to scrounge up a start against the Cubs (enjoy those 15 minutes Josh Geer).

21-20. Even Dusty’s Reds have one more win at this point in the season.

Milton Bradley is not worried at all:

“Chicago, they go into panic mode quick. But there’s a lot of baseball to play. I hear all the cliches—go get ‘em tomorrow and all that (garbage). ... But we’re going to get healthy here, God willing, and we’re going to start swinging the bats. The pitching staff is pitching pretty well. We’re not supporting them well. But we’re going to turn it around. We’ll be fine.”

By the way, Bradley’s batting .185 with June knocking on the door.

Rick Morrissey engaged in some of that journalistic investigation stuff (you know the kind of work never exhibited by the exiled pundit over at AWOL dot com) and inquired Jim Hendry about the status of the team. Admittedly, what Hendry had to say was a bit of a head scratcher:

“Our stance all winter was that the division was going to be real good,” he said. “We weren’t looking at ourselves as any kind of super favorite. It’s been proven that our division is real good. We’ve got a long way to go even if we are healthy. You’ve still got to play good. You’ve got to keep grinding. Nobody’s going to lay down for you. Nobody’s going to just think we’re some kind of lock because we got in [the playoffs] the last couple of years.

“We’ve got a lot more work to do, and unfortunately you’re always one more bad injury away from having an issue.”

If all that is actually true, then why on earth wasn’t more completed to improve the team? Players were moved elsewhere to clear space for Jake Peavy. And the deal was never completed for one reason or another. However, surely Milton Bradley, Aaron Miles, Aaron Heilman, Joey Gathright (already long gone) and Kevin Gregg were not really considered substantial upgrades to “keep up” with management’s predetermination of a more competitive NL Central?

Sorry, but I don’t buy that load of bull. The NL Central is not quite a powerhouse. I’ll forgive Jim Hendry if he accidentally borrowed Crane Kenney’s public speaking cue cards.

Jay the Joke contributors were posed the question yesterday afternoon regarding what was needed to improve the ball club. Here are a few of the responses:

Lastly, the bullpen needs to be more consistent. - BigBadBill
Go back to patience at the plate. Wait for it guys. - bones73
Get rid of Cotts. - Thick McRunfast

Lou Piniella seems to agree with Bones:

“We swung at a lot of bad pitches. We took a lot of strikes and swung at a lot of pitches out of the zone. [Geer] spots the ball well and knows how to pitch, but we helped him a lot.”

And there it is again. Compliments to the victorious opposing starting pitcher. On a night with clear motivation to defeat a franchise with the gall to celebrate their 1984 squad before the Cubs. You might remember? Yeah, those very same Padres that put an end to Wrigley Field’s hopes and dreams. And so it goes on and on and on.

Just like Groundhog Day.

Yeah, okay, I’m sorry. That song will now be stuck in your head for the rest of the day. But, it is still an apt round up of the Chicago sports’ scene yesterday.

First the big news. The Chicago Blackhawks missed the memo on how they were finally going to be swept and went out and won a game against Detroit, beating them 4-3 in overtime. I don’t know how bad their mail room is, but they do keep missing these important types of memos. However, all in all, it is for the best.

Since this is a family oriented blog (for the most part), I will let RICK MORRISSEY (Chicago Tribune) catch you up on the action.

Apparently, if my ears weren’t playing tricks on me Friday night, Detroit (is really, really awful). That’s what the crowd at the United Center was chanting, though much more colorfully than your favorite family newspaper might put it.

In fact, it seems that Detroit and its surrounding suburbs (really, really stink). And the crowd’s opinion looked very accurate early in the game, so much so that what had looked like a challenge of Mt. Everest proportions for the Blackhawks started out as a skate in the park.

But easy? No. The Hawks don’t do easy.

No, they don’t. While a desperately needed victory, it came at a steep price. Martin Havlat and Nikolai Khabibulin were both injured and are both questionable for Sunday’s game. Nevertheless, the Hawks are right back in this thing and can tie it up Sunday night.

GO HAWKS!

Also yesterday, against the advice of specialists who deal with psychological trauma, the White Sox went out and played another game after their 19 run drubbing at the hands of the Twins. Gavin Floyd, possessor of the 2nd worst ERA in the majors, went and pitched 8 stellar innings and walked away with a 2-0 victory over the Pittsburgh Pirates. Meanwhile, the focus of other teams is clearly on who else the Sox might be willing to trade now that the Peavy deal fell through.

DAVE VAN DYCK (Chicago Tribune) brings us up to date on that.

“There are a number of clubs that are trying to [trade for] our guys in the rotation, particularly our young guys in the rotation. ... thinking we might have soured on them because they’ve had a little bit of a tough stretch,” Williams said. “It’s not happening.

“We’ve got faith in John Danks and Gavin Floyd. I’m not too worried about how they’re going to rebound [the rest of] this year.”

A lot of people ripped on GM Ken Williams for not talking to Peavy prior to making the offer that the Padres accepted and ripped on Peavy for taking so long (yes, I am guilty of the latter). Oops. As it turns out, they did talk and we are all wrong.

Darn pesky facts. Keep getting in the way of my good rants.

TONY GINNETI (Sun Times) fills in the blanks.

‘’We had a very nice conversation [Wednesday], and I woke up [Thursday morning] thinking we had a 70-30 shot,’’ Williams said Friday in his first comments about the near-deal for the one-time Cy Young Award winner. ‘’He was very familiar with our history, with my history and our players, where they are now and the potential for this club. It was a very positive conversation—but evidently not positive enough.”

- AND -

‘’We were frankly very much taken aback when we were told there was a potential deal in place with an American League team—any American League team,’’ Axelrod told ESPN-1000 radio. ‘’And I told Kevin Towers immediately, ‘Boy, that’s a long shot for Jake,’ and he asked if we’d be willing to listen to Kenny Williams and what he had to say, and we agreed to do that.

‘’And I will say Kenny made it a tougher decision than I thought it was going to be. I thought it was a slam-dunk, ‘No, thank you. I’d rather stay in San Diego than go to the American League.’ But Kenny made Jake think about it, I’ll say that.’’

So, K-Dub did what he was supposed to do and all that he could do within the parameters of the mess that is currently in San Diego. Plus, for the record, he has left the offer open should Peavy reconsider.

Speaking of Mr. Peavy, he was the Padres’ pitcher of record last night against the Chicago Cubs. And he blanked them 4-0. The Cubs, who have scored a total of 2 runs in their last 4 games, once again lauded the opposing pitching. Only this time it, at least, seemed deserved.

SANDY BURGIN (MLB.com) has the 411.

“He’s a good pitcher, there’s no question, but we haven’t been swinging the bats ... and we’ll leave it at that. We’re in a rough spell, and against Peavy, that helps to exacerbate things even more.”

Zambrano, who was returning off the DL following a left hamstring strain, struggled early on in the first inning, but recovered and pitched well into the fifth inning.

To recap, the Hawks and the Sox, both without Jake Peavy, won yesterday and the Cubs (similarly denied) lost. Sheesh, at this rate we will be discussing what brand of tooth whitener he uses.

Oh well, in the meantime, CLICK HERE TO JOIN OUR FUN!

Our day got started off by us getting bumped from the Johnny B. Morning Show (WLUP-FM). There was no animosity or anything bad, just a better story broke and they ran with it. That particular story, the White Sox attempted trade for Jake Peavy, would set the theme for the day.

Lots of hope followed by abject misery.

The Sox hoped to sweep the Twins and show that their ship was truly beginning to right itself. To quote Maxwell Smart, they missed by “thaaaat much.” The Cubs were hoping to avoid being swept and send a message that they are a team to be feared in the NL Central. Instead they put everyone on notice that they will swing at balls that roll over the plate.

Let’s take this mess in some sort of order. RICK TELANDER (Sun Times) takes a look at the Thuffering Thursday Thuckatash that the Sox were mired in on the South Side.

And how was your day? I guarantee you it wasn’t White Sox bad.

The Whipped Sox, my friends, should have slept through Thursday.

They should have found a time warp past Thursday and exited somewhere far, far down the continuum, in a place where the team, the attitude and the future all have possibilities.

The Sox lost by three touchdowns to the Minnesota Twins at U.S. Cellular Field in a game so colossally bad that if there are such things as game tapes that must be burned, this was them.

Bad pitching, bad fielding, bad hitting, bad baserunning, bad managing. That’s how you get shellacked 20-1.

But, that wasn’t even the worst of it. The park was half empty and the team got dissed. And, by dissed, Jake Peavy basically said, “I would rather be unemployed than play for that group of horrid losers.” Ah yes, he’s just winning friends where ever he goes. Rick takes a look at that little development as well.

Williams and Padres GM Kevin Towers had come to an agreement, but what the hell did that mean? It was like changing Paris Hilton’s lip-gloss color without getting her consent first.

The embarrassment of Peavy’s renunciation of the Sox was so profound that it will linger for months, if not years, tarnishing the franchise that just can’t seem to get over the hump of second-class status.

The guy didn’t even use first-person English.

‘’As of right now, this is the best place for us to be,’’ Peavy said late Thursday, ‘’this’’ being wretched San Diego. ‘’We made that decision for the time being.’’

Is Peavy, like, a platoon?

We can forgive the Paris Hilton reference this time. What we can’t forgive is the way Peavy let this whole thing linger after he talked with his GM on Wednesday. If he knew that he would only play in the NL and wanted to stay close to home, he could have said so right away. Instead he played coy and dangled the Sox on a thinning thread until he finally, mercifully, cut it.

But now Peavy may have a bigger problem. Since no team in the NL has come close to putting together a package that the Padres would accept (although several have tried) and since the only team that fits all of Peavy’s stated criteria is the, division rival, LA Dodgers, he has shortened the list to untenable length. There is no way the Padres will allow him to go to a direct rival for the rest of his career and I doubt that any other teams will take trade offers seriously until they get a written letter from Peavy authorizing the Padres to negotiate.

I am sure that no animosity will come from this set of circumstances. I am also sure that I will be America’s Next Top Model.

On the other side of town, the Cubs got swept by their hated division rivals, the St. Louis Cardinals. So, clearly the topic of conversation was ...... Jake Peavy? GORDON WITTENMYER (Sun Times) reports.

Could the Cubs get back involved in trade talks for Jake Peavy now that the San Diego Padres ace spurned the White Sox?

Players in the Cubs’ clubhouse hope so.

‘’Heck, yeah,’’ shortstop Ryan Theriot said. ‘’You’d always want a guy like that on your team. That’s not taking anything at all away from what our starters have done—they’ve been lights out. But how could you not?’’

The Cubs already know the feeling is mutual. Peavy, who is scheduled to start against the Cubs tonight in the series opener in San Diego, made that much clear during trade talks that nearly resulted in a deal at the winter meetings in December in Las Vegas.

At one point, Peavy was so confident a trade would get done, he sang ‘’Go Cubs Go’’ while at a Las Vegas bar with friends that week and signed autographs that included ‘’Go Cubs.’’

Cubs manager, Lou Pinella also seemed to take the losses in stride. As Gordon reported in another article.

As for the long flight to San Diego giving him time to think, ‘’That’s not a good thing,’’ said Piniella, who seemed remarkably philosophical and almost giggly.

Maybe he was just relieved to be getting out of St. Louis—where the Cardinals’ pitching staff has limited the Cubs to .230 hitting in six games this season, including .153 in the sweep.

‘’You know what they say about the stock market—they’re looking for a bottom,’’ he said. ‘’Well, hopefully, we found a bottom here in St. Louis and we’ll go to San Diego and do much better.’’

So there we have it. One team humiliated by a diva and the other hoping that they have hit rock bottom.

At least it didn’t rain.

CLICK HERE TO PRETEND NONE OF IT HAPPENED.

Tracy Flick: Dear Lord Jesus, I do not often speak with you and ask for things, but now, I really must insist that you help me win the election tomorrow because I deserve it and Paul Metzler doesn’t, as you well know. I realize that it was your divine hand that disqualified Tammy Metzler and now I’m asking that you go that one last mile and make sure to put me in office where I belong so that I may carry out your will on earth as it is in heaven. Amen.
Tammy Metzler: Dear God, I know I don’t believe in you, but since I’ll be starting catholic school soon, I though I should at least practice. Let’s see. What do I want? I want Lisa to realize what a b*tch she is and feel really bad and apologize for how she hurt me and know how much I still love her. In spite of everything, I still want Paul to win the election tomorrow, not that c*nt Tracy. Oh, and I also want a really expensive pair of leather pants and someday, I wanna be really good friends with Madonna. Love, Tammy.
Paul Metzler: Dear God, than you for all your blessings. You’ve given me so many things, like good health, nice parents, a nice truck, and what I’m told is a large penis, and I’m very grateful, but I sure am worried about Tammy. In my heart, I still can’t believe she tore down my posters, but sometimes, she does get so weird and angry. Please help her be a happier person because she’s so smart and sensitive and I love her so much. Also, I’m nervous about the election tomorrow and I guess I want to win and all, but I know that’s totally up to you. You’ll decide who the best person is and I’ll accept it. And forgive me for my sins, whatever they may be. Amen.

Yes, Bobby Scales has arrived in a big, big way.

And we could not be happier. Well, most of us anyway.

Our fearless, Big Bad Bill, is hitting the local airwaves at any momemt (I hope it already has not yet passed) to shed light on Bobby’s campaign for the All-Star Game with none other Johnny B on The Loop, FM 97.9.

Go here to stream the show live.

As well, another huge kudos for Bill’s post being prominently featured in Elliott Harris’ column yesterday.

Yes, we are this campaign very seriously. And we will prevail.

Vote Bobby Scales for the All Star Game!

Good luck today Bill. We are all very proud of you.

And of course, for those that find this cause becoming stale and enjoy dark clouds ruining sunny days, here is the rest of the Chicago sports scene updates:

Jake Peavy rumors persist.... with the White Sox.

And finally, Jay the Joke offers its condolences to former White Sox pitcher, Scott Schoeneweis. His wife, Gabrielle Dawn, was found dead in their bedroom yesterday. Our thoughts and prayers are with the Schoeneweis family.

Our campaign to get Bobby Scales into the National League All Star game took an uptick today thanks to the man, the myth, the legend, ELLIOTT HARRIS (Sun Times).

WEB GEM: Internet site wants to make Scales a Star
The fine folks at jaythejoke.com are hardly joking about Bobby Scales.

In an effort to have the scales of justice work in the Cubs rookie infielder’s favor, jaythejoke.com has started a write-in campaign for the All-Star Game on July 14 in St. Louis.

He writes about other stuff that is kind of important too, like trying to save the life of Marcia Fielder, wife of former Fire mid-fielder Andy Williams.  She has leukemia and needs bone marrow and blood. I’ve got a pint of B+ she can have on May 30th and I hope you can help too. Click on Elliott’s name above to get all the details.

In other news, Hell has officially frozen over and will be fielding a curling team. Well, it is Hell after all.

How do we know that? Because the Sox won a game even though the other team showed up. While, somehow, the team managed to eschew a champagne laden celebration, they nevertheless looked pleased. SCOTT MERKIN (MLB.com) reported on this special day.

As Ozzie Guillen sat down at the podium of the U.S. Cellular Field Conference and Learning Center late Tuesday night, there was a brief pause before his postgame press conference began.

“You guys are shocked, too?” said Guillen with a laugh to the assembled media, after watching the White Sox break their five-game losing streak with a 6-2 victory over the Twins.

Unfortunately for the Cubs they faced the Mark Buhrle of the St. Louis Cardinals, Joel Pineiro, yesterday, Although Cubs pitcher, Ted Lilly, pitched the kind of game that usually garners a “W”, such was not to be yesterday.

CARRIE MUSKAT (MLB.com) reports.

Pineiro (5-3) notched his fourth career shutout and matched his career low in hits allowed in a game during a quickly paced two hours and five minutes. He didn’t leave many of his 92 pitches over the plate, which is why the Cubs’ batters took an aggressive approach.

That’s a nice way of saying they were swinging at balls instead of strikes. That kind of stuff makes Lou very happy. Okay, maybe “happy” is the wrong word. “Homicidal” might be a better fit.

Also, yesterday, the Hawks lost putting them at an 0-2 disadvantage in this series. They will be back in Chicago on Friday to get their first win.

Yeah, I said it. Whatcha gonna do bout it?

Oh well, it’s Wednesday and you need something to occupy your mind so CLICK HERE and catch up on the media storm that is brewing for Bobby Scales and get some very odd Bar-B-Q recipes as well.

PS: One of the mammals in the pic above is Elliott Harris. Or, so we have been lead to believe.

On Saturday I posted a front page blog asking people to vote for Bobby Scales to be an All Star in 2009 (NL, 2nd Base). I cited his history, his commitment to the game and the fact that there were many teams he could have started for but such was not his fate. It seems we are not alone in our admiration of this young man.

THUNDER MATT’S SALOON

He’s got the journeymen credentials to make him a fan favorite. He hustles and he perseveres. In some circles, he’s known as the ‘black Matt Murton’. His smile alone is enough to impregnate even the most barren of wombs.

TONY GINNETTI (Sun Times)

The feel-good story of Bobby Scales, who spent 11 seasons in the minors awaiting his chance to ‘’make it,’’ might be the latest success story for the Cubs’ farm system.

DAN MCGRATH (Tribune)

His stay was supposed to be brief, but Scales banged a single to left off reigning Cy Young Award winner Tim Lincecum his second time at the plate and has been hanging ever since: eight hits in his first 18 at-bats, including a home run against the Padres on Tuesday night and two two-run doubles Thursday.

“Scales is swinging the bat, driving the ball,” manager Lou Piniella said. “He wants playing time.”

He has his own blog called 30 IS THE NEW 20!

What a week!
Well obviously by now just about all of you know what has happened to me in the last week of my life. It has been truly amazing and all I can do is point up to the sky and thank the Man for granting me the opportunity after 11 minor league seasons. I also have to thank my family, especially my Wife, Mom, and Dad for the support they have all given me from day one.

He even has his own WIKIPEDIA PAGE.

While we may have been the first to endorse Bobby Scales to be an All Star this year, I doubt we will be the last.

People may ask how Cubs fans can continue to be Cubs fans after a century of not winning the World Series. These people are not fans. I am a Sox fan. Right now I am suffering badly. That does not mean that I am going to put my Thome jersey or my Konerko T in mothballs. This is my team. We belong to each other. Good, bad or indifferent, this is the team I root for year after year.

However fans become attached to a team, whether by family, friends or happenstance, does not matter. What matters is this is the team that they have chosen and this will be their team until the end.

Bobby Scales embodies the truest form of what fans believe; that this could be the year. And for him, after 11 years of toil, it is.

Which, for a team that is built around omens and the like, may be the best sign they have ever had.

CLICK HERE to write in your vote for Bobby! (NL All Star - 2nd Base)

CLICK HERE TO TALK ABOUT BOBBY!

This is just a pathtic excuse of a column, trying to justify your smear job of Theriot. Telander, you are sorry excuse for a person and should be fired.

And .....

This is a journalist’s dream to cause controversy and get his name out there. This is what they all dream about. Pretty pathetic.

And on and on it goes.

RICK TELANDER (Sun Times) has written two articles about the steroid scandal in MLB and used Ryan Theriot’s recent power surge to showcase the inherent problems with Bud Selig’s “head in the sand” strategies. Not once did he accuse Theriot of anything.

Clearly, some people need to read all the words first and not just the ones in bold or off to the side.

In fact, Telander went out of his way to meet with Theriot and discuss the first column and report his thoughts in the second.

“I didn’t like it very much,” he said when asked about my piece. “My obvious response is it’s unfair, kind of hurtful, just because of the work I’ve put in and the way that I’ve gone about my business, the way I’ve lived my life to this point.”

But he knew what the larger point was.

“I understood the article itself,” he said. “The article does have a lot of validity to it.”

He didn’t like having his name anywhere near the cheating side of town was all. That was a smear, he said.

Which, of course, is the conundrum.

It is exactly this problem that has caused us to create the write in campaign for BOBBY SCALES as NL All Star (2nd Base). While I will grant that under 30 at-bats does not usually an All Star make, Scales is exactly the kind of player that fans should feel good about. A baseball lifer, devoted family man, uncomplaining role player and a boon to his team both on the field and off. So, go ahead, click on his name and vote for him.

He is the anti-roider.

As I wrote on Saturday;

Scales truly embodies the qualities of what a major league player should be. He is humble, grateful and talented. He has been in the minors for 10 years. During that time there were a lot of teams he could have started for, but he wasn’t on them. Instead of bemoaning his fate or lashing out at others, he continued to get better. And, this year, the Cubs are reaping the benefits of his work ethic and commitment to the game.

When a good guy like Theriot can get caught up in the muck and the mire, then it is time for fans everywhere to stand up for what the game is supposed to mean.

I guess, in some sense, it depends on what you base the term “All Star” on. But, for those of us fed up with the cheating and the lies and the constant BS, it means more than just the obvious. It means a player we would be proud to have on our team, and Scales fits that criteria.

CLICK HERE TO WEIGH IN!

“The time has come,” the Walrus said,
“To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings.” - Lewis Carroll

In the looking glass world of major league baseball, selfish egomaniacs are rewarded with fame and fortune but rarely rings. A-Rod, Bonds, Slammin’ Sammy, Albert Belle and many others got everything they could out of baseball for themselves. But, they never got a ring.

Manny Ramirez, the exception that proves the rule, has already had enough written about him so we will just move along.

To understand why we are about to embark upon the campaign that we are, you must first know some recent history. In 2005, Scotty Pods of the White Sox was about as likely to be named to the All Star Game as I was to win a bikini modeling contest.

Had I ever shaved my legs and gotten that wax .... oh, never mind. I apologize for the visual.

But, as the All Star Game neared, fans began voting on line to get Scotty in the game. He was not the best player in MLB. He wasn’t even the best player on the Sox. But, and this is very important, he was the epitome of what fans really want their baseball players to be. He was selfless, fought for the team, did whatever was needed to help the team even if it meant his own stats took a hit. In other words, he was the perfect kind of player for you to point out to your kids.

Believe it or not, that kind of stuff is significant to many fans, not just White Sox fans.

It is in that spirit that we are now asking Chicago baseball fans to vote for Bobby Scales to be placed on the NL All Star Team for 2009.

Scales truly embodies the qualities of what a major league player should be. He is humble, grateful and talented. He has been in the minors for 10 years. During that time there were a lot of teams he could have started for, but he wasn’t on them. Instead of bemoaning his fate or lashing out at others, he continued to get better. And, this year, the Cubs are reaping the benefits of his work ethic and commitment to the game.

Moreover, he and his wife have made sacrifices for each other so that they can both live out their dreams for the rest of their lives. That devotion, to things greater than self aggrandizement, alone should earn him your vote.

We ask you to join us in helping get Bobby Scales into the 2009 All Star Game. Not only is it the right thing to do, it will leave the national media scratching their heads for the rest of the season. That’s just a bonus to keep you happy.

CLICK HERE TO VOTE FOR BOBBY SCALES! (NL All Star Team - 2nd Base)

CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE CONVERSATION!

Milton Bradley is upset.

Again.

As expected, Major League Baseball reduced Bradley’s two game suspension to just one game. Such is the game of appeals in professional sports. The commissioner’s office aims high. The player’s union aims low. And the result is something in the middle. Not exactly rocket science stuff here. And it should be a shock to nobody.

With the exception of course, being Milton Bradley:

‘’Figures,’’ said Bradley, describing his first reaction. ‘’Because I never get treated fairly. It’s just me. It’s exactly what I expected.

Yes Milton, your life is completely unfair. You are being paid $10 million to play a child’s game. Those people sitting in unemployment lines have it great compared to your hardship.

‘’I’m Milton Bradley. And you expect me to get crazy and throw stuff and do whatever. But I don’t do anything spur-of-the-moment, although it may seem like that. There’s a reason for everything, and things happen. And you move on.’

You argued balls and strikes with a home plate umpire. Even Toko understands that such behavior is going to result in getting tossed out of a game. And it is rather spooky that you claim to rationally think over all your decisions which would include blowing out an ACL while arguing with a 1st base umpire and charging up the stairs searching for a critical baseball commentator.

‘’In this case it had to be done,’’ he said. ‘’It was only the right thing to do. Initially, my agent was like, ‘Don’t do it. You’re banged up a little bit. Just take the days off.’ But I was like, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve got to stand up for myself.’’’

And now you are going to miss today’s game against Houston, a division opponent. Milton Bradley will be a healthy scratch because of this one game suspension even though it could have been served while he was injured much earlier. This makes perfect sense.

At no point did Milton Bradley really mention anything about what was in the best interest of the Chicago Cubs.

Jim Hendry was in full enabler mode yesterday. Admirable for a lame duck General Manager perhaps concerned about his own career while defending his high priced free agent signed on for 3 years, Bradley:

‘’I wouldn’t want somebody on our ballclub that wasn’t chapped about the situation, and I personally felt that he showed great restraint by not getting upset with the 3-0 call,’’ Hendry said.

‘’There certainly was no intentional contact. As stated by the umpire, there was no swearing, there was no threatening [language]. And certainly Milton had his say and left in very short fashion.

None of this excuses the fact that his player argued balls and strikes. Which inadvertently led to the bill of his cap grazes the umpire. Take note of Hendry’s carefully chosen word “intentional”. It is pretty clear cut. Except to Hendry and Bradley. And Ryan Dempster who also chipped in his two cents worth of obligatory support to a teammate.

It seems rather odd that Hendry has been so vocally supportive of all that is Milton Bradley. We’ve witnessed unusual allegiances before; Lovie Smith - Rex Grossman, Dusty Baker - Neifi Perez, Ozzie Guillen - Juan Uribe and Bill Wirtz -uhh.. Bill Wirtz. Bradley is clearly a cut better than these other examples. But that also accompanies a hell of a lot more headaches.

Evidently 100 years of championship-less baseball at Wrigley is not enough of a challenge. They need to add the wrath of the fraternal order of umpires into the mix of “Cubs versus the World”. Eventual new owner Thomas Ricketts may question such wisdom from Jim Hendry. Or Crane Kenney who inexplicably is being rumored to be retained as a do-nothing executive.

Lou Piniella seems strangely quiet about this affair. Of course, as manager he did absolutely nothing to protect Bradley after Larry Vanover’s disputed third strike call. No charge out of the dugout. No grabbing Milton by the shoulders to steer him away from the argument. No cap tossing or dirt kicking. Nothing at all.

He just sat in the dugout. And spit out sunflower seeds. Perhaps Larry Rothschild is now his designated “walk out onto the field” guy now? Just ask Neal Cotts.

Piniella reminds one of watching Mike Holmgren on the Seahawk sideline last football season. Just staring off into space. And marking off the days until retirement.

Jim Leyland of the Detroit Tigers clearly proved his spryness and agility. Perhaps chain smoking does provide a veteran manager an energy boost for those nine innings. After witnessing home plate umpire Paul Schrieber offer Magglio Ordonez a little physical assistance to the dugout, Leyland exploded with spastic anger. Undoubtedly, the Tigers were impressed. Lou Piniella used to protect his players in such a manner. But alas, those days seem to have passed.

Today, Milton Bradley sits to serve his time. And another fellow by the name of Bobby Scales will continue his made for Disney quest to remain on the parent club. Funny how the $10 million dollar man considers his life unfair while another earning the league minimum regards his job a dream come true.

Perception and perspective are indeed magical words. And make the world an interesting place.

As for hitters and umpires, can we all now agree to keep our hands off each other? Otherwise hurt feelings might lead to wounds running deeper than internet message board forum feuds.

Thank you.

Haaaaa Haaa Haaaa Haaa-

Yes- it is all MINE! MINE! MINE!- Toko is everywhere! Kneel to Toko!

Beer is good, beer is good, cue heavy metal crap Ed likes

A TRIBUTE TO THE BEER THREAD

I tribute to GOTD- it’s well deserved- Madhouse you’re so money and you don’t even know it- they come for you baby- keep up the good work- Ida salutes you

Ohhhh Toko- I didn’t know you now have the power- please make me your love beer slave..... Tribute to Toko- you give this site some “character”

A Tribute to you Slim- cuz your old and you know how to use a computer

A Tribute to Hino- cuz every now and then you post something

A Tribute to El- cuz you one crazy ass motha f__ka

A Tribute to Nick- cuz I believe that you might actually sort of maybe have some game with the ladies..... at the hospital..... at the morgue… you do make me laugh

A Tribute to Mary- cuz you deal with all our man crap- especially Dr Frank- he’s a douchebag- we salute you- please post more

A tribute to Tyrone- you little cry baby “oh you don’t think the same as me… fine I"m leaving… I hate you!"- little biaachh-

And last but not least a tribute to Bill- thanks for putting up with us and giving us a home

Okay seriously- go hawk’s- hockey world wants hawk’s-wings but I want hawk’s-duck’s but I like wings at Hooters with cold beer but it doesn’t matter because hawk’s can eat and kill both duck’s and chicken’s- especially red chickens- plus driving to Detroit from here sucks as the Indi-IL border always is under construction and sucks the big left one

Anyway, cubs are winning right now.... sox...who cares..... are the bulls still playing?...... Cutler sucks.... GO HAWKS!!!

THANKS TO ALL THE POSTERS, THE VIEWERS, THE NEW MEMBERS AND THOSE WHO VISIT OUR LOVELY HOME- YOU MAKE THE WORLD AN INTERESTING PLACE

Toko loves you all,
God Bless

PS- say no to Chicago olympics!

I have had a busy as heck day so I hope you don’t mind if I just take a minute to share some wonderful gems I have collected. These are actual quotes from athletes and sports related personalities.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, ”Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.”

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:”I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the ‘Skins say ”I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said, ”To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom too.”

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: ”Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: ”I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: ”You guys line up alphabetically by height.” and ”You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: ”I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: ”Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: ”That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my f**king clothes.”

Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: ”I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: ”We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road.. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” (1992)

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: ”My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” (1982)

Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: ”He wants Texas back.” (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: ”One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?” (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team’s co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: ”I’m Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time.” (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: ”But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.” (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: ”I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.” (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: ”It’s basically the same, just darker.” (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: ”I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.” (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ”Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.” (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: ”He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.” (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: ”Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.” (1987)

CLICK HERE TO SHARE IF YOU HAVE ANY MORE.

Readers’ reactions to the Quick Hits article with Anna Kournikova in Wednesday’s paper drew many favorable responses. Among them was Bill McCormick, who noted: ‘’Your wife must be amazing.’’ Truly. Amazing that she understands and/or tolerates yours truly. - Elliott Harris

Yes, indeed.

We could talk sports.

Or we could just click here and enjoy Anna’s pics.

Your choice.

Yesterday, Bobby Jenks (according to published reports) was fined $750.00 for throwing a pitch behind a batter on the Texas Rangers. The same Rangers who had hit 6 Sox batters in 4 games and never even received a warning. Yep, that seemed fair.

Today, also according to published reports, The Cubs very own Ryan Dempster is on the hot seat for allegedly hitting a Milwaukee Brewer in the helmet with a pitch. The batter was bunting and leaning down over the plate. In other words, he got hit by an inside strike, not a pitch aimed at his head.

What do both of these stories have in common, besides their obvious link to Chicago?

They are both glaring examples of stupidity.

While I will grant that they are not quite at the “Hey Ya’ll, watch this!” and earn a Darwin Award level of stupid, they are still pretty dumb.

In the case of Bobby Jenks, he never even hit the batter. In fact the ball sailed behind the poor yutz. In the case of Ryan Dempster, the batter was leaning over the middle of the plate. You know, that special place where those little white round things show up at around 100 mph over 100 times a game? What was he expecting to be there this time? Flowers?

Yet, both pitchers are being looked at be the MLB disciplinary committee. And, if the media is to be believed (I would say “yes” ... this time), Jenks has already been fined for this.

So, what are pitchers to do? Your team gets hit and you have to stand there and say “Aw shucks guys, that’s not nice.” Or, do you casually remind the ump that those welts your hitters are sporting are not a new fashion statement? Thus, probably, getting someone ejected from the team that complains?

I certainly understand why umps would want to prevent head hunting and other dangerous activities during games, these particular responses are way over the top. If these rulings become the standard, pitchers may as well throw underhanded and let the batter know what pitch is coming.

“Hey, Bob? Don’t be scared, this will be a nice one over the middle. Okay Bob, are you ready? All right, Bob, get that bat up because here it coooooomes! Oh, so sorry Bob, but don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll hit the next one.”

What the hell, let’s go all the way and let the poor babies hit off a tee instead. That would probably be safest of all.

The facts are relatively simple; some pitchers will throw at a batter for whatever reason, or sometimes no reason. Opposing teams need to be able to protect their players from that type of aggression. 

If not, then the rule should be that the very first hit batter should result in the immediate expulsion of the offending pitcher. No warnings, no hand wringing, nothing but a simple “You’re Outta Here!”

Since that ain’t going to happen, umps need to get a better grip on the realities of the games and MLB needs to quit acting like a group of frustrated soccer moms at the site of every boo boo.

Oh, the pic? I just liked it.

CLICK HERE TO THROW OUT YOUR THOUGHTS!

A long time ago in a land not that far away, Matt Lynch and Pat Dahl started this site. The idea was a simple one; make fun of Jay Mariotti. The Ozzie tirade may have been their impetus, but they were both college students with aspirations of literary grandeur and the persistent terror of the Cut and Paste Queen galled their sensibilities. He* was the anti-journalist and they couldn’t take it any more.

With a mix of smarmy satire and some very funny videos they became a cult favorite of journalists around the country. As Jay continued his inadequate attempts to understand sports and spew his fact deprived treatises, the site gained momentum.

The “In Which” opening tag, while a literary affectation initially, became rooted in stone and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Jay the Joke now receives over 100,000 visitors a day. People from all over the world come by, some even say hi, and read the wide variety of sports related blogs and threads and, of course, check out the porn.

I bring all of this up not to take some treacly trip down memory lane, but to remind all of us how much things can change. When this site was started the Blackhawks were still considered one of the worst run franchises in all of sports. While that is an incredible accomplishment, it is not one they were proud of.

Now, things have changed.

The Hawks, who once couldn’t put bodies in the seats if they visited the morgue on the way to the game now are sold out and have a waiting list for season tickets. The team that couldn’t win for losing now just wins. This is the kind of change in which we can believe.

Last night, for those of you who missed the memo, the Hawks beat the Vancouver Canucks 7-5 to advance to the Western Conference Finals for the first time since 1995.

DAN MCGRATH (Tribune) takes a look at how this happened.

Monday’s six-goal third period was something to behold. Patrick Kane’s hat trick was another example of talent and savvy rarely seen in a 20-year-old. And the Hawks have demonstrated precocious fortitude by winning three games on the road in two playoff series.

But the main reason they’re headed to the Western Conference finals for the first time since 1995 was their late two-goal rally for a 2-1 victory in Game 4.

The Canucks had dominated play in front of Roberto Luongo and were less than three minutes away from a 1-0 shutout victory and a 3-1 lead in the series heading back to Vancouver for Game 5.

But Andrew Ladd made a hustle play to control the puck along the right boards and got it to Martin Havlat, who beat Luongo on the Hawks’ first really good chance of the night. They went to overtime tied 1-1, and Ladd won it for the Hawks with a goal less than three minutes into the extra period.

Vancouver sagged noticeably, a golden opportunity gone by the boards. The Hawks were in control of the series from that moment.

He goes on to break down the important stuff and, if you have a minute, it is a very good read. But, it is his simple closing that sums all of this up for Chicago hockey fans.

It has been said before, but it bears repeating: Hockey’s renaissance in Chicago, and the short time in which it has occurred, is a truly remarkable story.

See? He says “in which” too.

CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT IN WHICH FORUM THIS BLOG BELONGS!

Monday’s are traditionally a time for the majority of people to come back to work, gripe about being back at work and then whine that they have to work at all. My office is a little different since we keep odd schedules. So, for me, Monday’s are usually a time for planning and looking forward to things to come. It is with that in mind that I took a look at the Blackhawk’s playoff picture.

16-8-4-2. That is the number of teams in each round of the hockey playoffs for the Stanley Cup. While it may seem that hockey has been going on forever around here, kind of like a Monday in hell, it is still the second round. It is just that Chicago hockey fans aren’t used to seeing Hawks’ jerseys being used this late in the year for their intended purpose.

LEN ZIEHM (Sun Times) takes a look at what is going on.

There’s a lot to like about these young Blackhawks, who just might be the best feel-good story in Chicago sports since Northwestern’s football team came out of collegiate oblivion to go to the 1996 Rose Bowl.

Last week, Hawks winger Patrick Kane suggested a ‘’magical’’ season might be in the works. That sounded like youthful exuberance. Since the Hawks hadn’t even won two playoff series, his comment seemed at the least premature. After all, it takes four series wins to claim the Stanley Cup—the ‘’One Goal’’ the Hawks have stressed in their seasonlong marketing campaign.

But Kane could be right.

Tonight the Hawks can close out their Western Conference semifinal series with the Vancouver Canucks. They’ve already won two playoff games in Vancouver, and United Center adrenalin will be a factor with Game 6 of the best-of-seven series on home ice.

Tonight, at 8 PM central time, the Blackhawks look to do something they haven’t done since Bill Clinton reinvented the cigar in popular culture. To be polite, it’s been a while.

In any case the Hawks, who seem to think axioms are made for everyone other than them, continue to win without their major stars really taking over the games. Back to Len for more on that.

A hockey axiom, though, is that your best players have to be your best players if a team is to have maximum success.

Well, those ‘’best players’’ haven’t been the best players these last few games. The real stars at the moment have been others—players such as these:

• • Dustin Byfuglien. He’s finally playing the way the Hawks had envisioned. His two goals on Saturday only underscored his vast potential. Big Buff was just as noticeable for his hard hits and constant harassment of Vancouver goaltender Roberto Luongo throughout the series.

• • Dave Bolland. An unsung hero, this second-line center has a two-goal game against the Canucks and another with two assists. The Hawks won both of those games, and two of Bolland’s four goals in the series were game-winners.

• • Troy Brouwer. Dropped to the fourth line for the playoffs after Patrick Sharp shook off an injury-riddled last 30 games of the regular season, Brouwer has turned into a hit machine. He had a big one on Dion Phaneuf in the Calgary series, which kept the Flames’ star defenseman out of the last game, and has been even better against Vancouver. In the last four games against the Canucks, Brouwer has 28 hits. That’s a good way for a fourth-liner to get noticed.

A lot has been made of the Hawks’ lack of experience. Eleven members of the team made their Stanley Cup debuts this season, but that hasn’t held back these Hawks yet.

Even more has been made about how much fun this team is to watch. They have come a long way since they were voted the worst franchise in all sports in 2004 by ESPN. And, something tells me that they are going even further.

The bonus is that they can do it on a Monday. Not a bad way to start the week if you ask me.

CLICK HERE TO ENJOY YOUR MONDAY!

Yep, it’s a BIG Saturday for the Chicago Blackhawks as they venture to the worst place in the world to find an edible taco. Well, maybe the second worst. I was once in the Ramada in Davenport, Iowa, ordered a taco plate and it arrived covered with brown gravy. I almost hurled.

But, Mexican food tragedies aside, tonight the Hawks have to face the Canucks on their home ice, in front of their rabid crowd and bring home a win. You might say that this is their first real chance to take a bite out of the whole enchilada.

You might, but somehow I doubt that you will.

Even so, the Hawks have played themselves into the Chicago sports story of the year with a mix of young kids, a weird coach (his one attempt at a smile almost hospitalized him) and a front office that is as committed to winning as it is to building good will in the community. This team has been a flat out pleasure to watch all season and I have no intention of stopping now.

GO HAWKS!

In keeping with our Latin flavored blog today, we move to the north-side of Chicago baseball and look at the fate of Aramis Ramirez. A-Ram, as he is affectionately called by no one who has actually met him, ripped up the same shoulder he ripped up in 2000. That time he was out for a month. It could be double that this time. He joins Carlos Zambrano on the DL. Maybe the two of them can get up a spirited game of Dominos or something.

Maybe not.

Nevertheless, his roster spot will be filled by Ryan Freel who was just recently called off of the DL himself and was acquired in the recent Baltimore trade that sent Joey Gaithright packing.

There is no word on whether or not Freel likes Mexican food, but we will keep you posted as news develops.

In the meantime, he is expected to play second, third, left, center, right and possibly short. I just hope that they don’t expect him to do that all at once.

On the south-side, Chicago’s other A-Ram, Alexis Ramirez, has been let out of Ozzie’s doghouse and is expected to start tonight against the Rangers. This roster move was done to make room for Jose Contreros who will be wearing the proverbial dog collar for a while it seems.

Both players have earned their canine awards by doing the one thing Ozzie refuses to tolerate; driving him nuts. Ramirez says the time off allowed him to review many things about his swing and his personal demeanor. Hopefully that reflective posture will translate into something resembling MLB at-bats and not an audition to be a ceiling fan.

There has been no official statement as of yet as to whether or not tacos are served in said doghouse. Again, we will keep you appraised of any breaking news.

Lastly, to the nice gentleman who tossed me his keys as I was walking past the car wash with my morning papers and coffee and said “Hey! A**hole, watch my ride,” I was pleased to note that your mailing address was on the key fob and have tossed them into the U.S. mail, with a stamp. You should get them in a week or so.

CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!

Are the Hawks doing this just to mess with our heads? Is this their twisted idea of fun? Some sort of demented way of trying to keep fans interested? Yes, I know they won. Yes, I know that Canucks coach Alain Vigneault said that the game was “one of the best chess matches I’ve seen in hockey so far this year.”

Hooray. While I must admit that chess was not the first sport I thought of during this, I can see his point. Even so, I really wouldn’t be all that upset if the Hawks would just come out and put this thing away in the first period. In fact, I would be just fine with that.

Oh well, off to the land of moose and beavers. GO HAWKS!

I am also wondering if Jose Canseco is the most honest man in baseball today, where does that put everyone else? He said last year that he thought Ramirez was on the list of 104 players, only A-Rod was named publicly, that tested positive in 2003. And, as ASSOCIATED PRESS reports, he isn’t exactly shocked now.

“I didn’t get a second chance, I didn’t get a fine,” Canseco said. “I didn’t get the chance these players are getting these days.”

Despite that animosity, Canseco said players have endured enough embarrassment over the steroid scandal and now it’s time to investigate what role MLB brass and the players’ association played in it.

“It’s a complete conspiracy,” Canseco said. “The truth has to come out.”

Canseco said that MLB officials, the players’ union and others profited from the success of players who used steroids, knew what was going on, and have failed to do anything about it.

On a more personal level, I have a friend who is a doctor and coaches a variety of sports for kids. Most of the kids he works with are high schoolers. They talk about using steroids and other stuff to get “an edge.” So, my friend keeps a picture book of the effects steroids have on people who do not need them. I have seen a couple of the images. To be polite, they are freaking gross. Or, as he points out to the kids, “no woman wants a man with a shriveled (penis).” What he lacks in tact, he makes up for in the fact that the kids come to him and talk openly and he can help. That free flow of conversation and information is key. I hope other coaches and teachers take the time to talk with their kids and keep them healthy.

What really hurts about this is that baseball players are all getting painted with a broad brush. Many are furious about that. Octavio Dotel’s rant should be required reading for all.  JOE COWLEY cleaned it up a bit.

… (I)t was a bit shocking when Dotel blasted not only Ramirez—who got a 50-game suspension from Major League Baseball on Thursday for taking a banned substance—but also all of the Latin American players who have been banned in the last few seasons, calling them ‘’stupid.’’

In other words, Dotel doesn’t want to hear any sort of language-barrier excuse.

‘’They’re being stupid, that’s what I think,’’ Dotel said. ‘’From a guy coming from my area, my country, you have to know what is going on in the major-league rules and how hard they are going with this. And they’re still getting caught. So I think that’s stupid by our [Latin American] players.’’

I also wonder if A.J. Pierzynski will ever get a new watch. JOE COWLEY also reports on this dilemma.

All Pierzynski wanted to talk about, however, was the gift he won’t be getting. It’s customary for the pitcher of a no-hitter to get his catcher a present, and Pierzynski got a watch in ‘07.

‘’It’s been a while since he’s had a good changeup like that,’’ Pierzynski said. ‘’He had pretty much everything going.

‘’I told him I was mad that he didn’t throw a no-hitter because I wanted another watch. Then he told me he was too cheap to buy me another one.’’

Oh, you are probably wondering about the pic I chose today. I just figured if Manny got caught using super feminine drugs, that may have been the look he was aiming for.

CLICK HERE TO WA WA WONDER WITH US!

“When justice is done, it brings joy to the righteous but terror to evildoers.”
-Proverbs 21:15

Well, I had to go to a couple of meetings, try and find drinkable coffee, surf for porn and then think about something to write that you might actually read. Yep, such is the helter skelter life I lead.

So, it is with sincere appreciation that I noted that Manny Ramirez tested positive for steroids. Not because I wish the man any ill, but because he has come up with a great new excuse; he has the only doctor, licensed in America, who doesn’t know what is in the drugs he is prescribing. THE LOS ANGELES TIMES manages to keep their tongues out of their cheeks and just reports the facts.

Ramirez is expected to attribute the test results to medication received from a doctor for a personal medical issue, according to a source familiar with matter but not authorized to speak publicly.

Okay, lets ask the AMA what he could possibly have been suffering from to get steroids prescribed.

Anabolic steroids have several legitimate medical uses. Testicular cancer often requires the removal of the testes in men After surgery, these men are prescribed oral anabolic steroids to replace the testosterone that their bodies are no longer able to make.  This maintains their secondary sexual characteristics.

Adolescent males with pituitary malfunction are treated with injectable anabolic steroids when they reach the appropriate age for puberty.  Anabolics given for four to six months in the proper dosing schedule cause the growth spurt and development of secondary sexual characteristics

After certain kinds of surgery and cancer, the patient experiences loss of muscle tissue.  Anabolic steroids are used in such cases, with exercise and diet, to build up muscle tissue.

Anabolic steroids in high doses are given to transsexual women who wish to be permanently masculinized. This is not an officially approved medical use for anabolic steroids in the United States.

Assuming he doesn’t have cancer, isn’t a teenage boy and is not going through a sex change, there really isn’t much for him to claim here. But, on the plus side, he helped me fill in some empty space, so that made me happy.

Back to local stuff, The Mighty Blackhawks take the ice tonight against the Canucks. No one seems to know where the word Canuck actually came from, but now even fewer seem to care. Nevertheless, our guys have put themselves in a tough situation and need a win tonight to even out the series .... again.

As an aside, John McDonough has done an incredible job at positioning the Hawks back in the public eye. But, the white towel promotion tonight is really stupid. Please, someone get him a memo that points out that waving the white flag means you are surrendering. Not the message the team needs to see.

Another memo some need to see is this; Kinky is using the feather, perverted is using the whole chicken.

Don’t ask.

Anyway, in keeping with our overall theme of levity, let’s let ELLIOTT HARRISS update us on the most important issue facing Chicago baseball fans; the career of Denise Richards.

Versus’ ‘’Sports Soup’’ host Matt Iseman, on Denise Richards’ singing effort at the Cubs game Friday: ‘’To call her a singer is definitely, well, a stretch. With acting, marriage, dancing and now singing crossed off the list of things she might be good at, it was time to head to the Cubs bullpen, where, honestly, she wasn’t the worst.’’

Iseman is clearly a “whole chicken” person.

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I get it. It is all part of the Hawks’ master plan to make teams think they are slamming Valiums in the first period. Okay, that was great, now if you would please take the lead early and keep it, I promise not to get mad.

In fact, I will go out on a limb here and promise to be happy. Really I will. So, just go ahead and play the way we all know you can from the end of the anthems to the final buzzer.

RICK MORRISSEY (Tribune) takes a look at the trend.

This phenomenon of falling behind early—there has to be a better way for the Blackhawks to live.

It’s like paying the bills with credit cards, isn’t it? It’s eventually going to catch up with you. And the next thing you know, you’re eating ramen noodles for dinner every night.

The Hawks lost 3-1 to Vancouver on Tuesday night, when they couldn’t muster much in the way of a comeback. It left a predictable bland taste in their mouths.

A buddy of mine, who is a former Marine, has offered to fire live rounds over their heads, at random intervals, to keep them alert during the first period. While I am sure his heart is in the right place, I am less convinced that this is a well thought out plan.

Even so, I am excited about this team and hope they pull it together.

The Cubs and Sox both lost yesterday, however with new twists. The Cubs appeared to lose on purpose and the Sox just invented a brand new way to give up the game. We’ll take them in order.

CHRIS DE LUCA (Sun Times) takes a look at the odd lineup that the Cubs fielded yesterday against the Giants.

No Alfonso Soriano. No Aramis Ramirez. No Ryan Theriot. No Milton Bradley. No Geovany Soto. This starting lineup was so out of whack, it looked like something Piniella would post for a spring-training road game—in Tucson.

About the only regular playing his usual position was Lee at first. The lineup featured center fielder Joey Gathright—in Soriano’s leadoff spot—and second baseman Bobby Scales making their starting debuts.

On the plus side, the 31 year old rookie, Scales, got his first major league hit, committed no errors and managed to look like he’d been here before even though his walk on the field was about as wide eyed as I have ever seen from a player. Congrats to him.

And, in fairness to Lou, his team is in the middle of a 20 games in 20 days trip that goes from day to night to cold to hot and so on. It is a recipe for injury and illness. If he didn’t rest them now he could have been looking at far more serious issues later.

Now, to the Sox. JOE COWLEY (Sun Times) takes a look at the gentle recriminations that Ozzie delivered after the game. By “gentle”, I mean you probably don’t want to read this out loud to your kids.

‘’I think some people on this team better check their ass,’’ Guillen said afterward. ‘’Some people think for sure they’re going to be the stars then they better check their ass. They better start thinking about the way we’re playing. I’m not talking about everyone. I’m talking about the players out there that just, they want to take it for granted that they’re here, well, they better be careful. I’m not afraid to move people, I’m not afraid to make changes. The way we played, just be careful with some changes.”

The Sox have just not been playing like the Sox. They aren’t pitching, aren’t hitting and, while the defense has been above par, they just look listless. That will never last on an Ozzie lead club. Maybe he will take Lou’s clue and start all the bench players. At this point, what harm could it do?

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Our fair city is due for a $1,000,000,000.00 bailout check from the federal government. That money is meant to stimulate the local economy, fix infrastructure and provide funding to schools. Do you know how it will really be spent?

Nope. No one does.

Back in February our Mayor said, “We did not put that out publicly because once you start putting it out publicly, you know, the newspapers, the media is going to be ripping it apart.”

Okay, big question here, “Why would the media rip it apart?”

I have a pretty good idea.

While the City’s Olympic Committee has sworn up and down on a heavily truncated stack of bibles - their’s comes with The 6 Suggestions instead of The 10 Commandments - that no tax dollars will be used for the Olympics in Chicago, that has already been proved false. Or did you forget that $500 million dollar “insurance policy” approved by the City Counsel? You know, insurance against the money that doesn’t come from private investors?

That’s okay, you say, the City has some very solid investors for this venture. Really? Name one. You can’t since that list is private. Well, instead, try naming the amount already guaranteed for the Olympics that will prevent tax dollars being used. Again, no go. That is kept private as well. If it exists at all.

To put this in some perceptive, that $1 billion dollars equals 40,000 years of work for a $25,000.00 per year worker (assuming said worked never spent a dime and lived that long). Or, the City could hire 4,000 people at $25,000 per year and guarantee them work for ten years. With the money in a simple interest bearing account it would cover cost of living raises and a whole lot more.

But that’s okay, you opine, the City has to tell us what it is doing with that money since it is our money. Logical, but also wrong. AS THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE REPORTS, State law requires no such thing. And, any attempt to find out that information via legal channels is met with resistance, resentment and flat out lies.

But, since this is your money we are talking about and the Olympics that look to benefit from it, I took the time to slog through THE ACTUAL BID BOOK posted by the City. Allegedly, VOLUME 1 is the file that contains all the finances. Be prepared for lots of pretty pictures, vague assertions and so on before you get near an actual number.

Not until page 24 do we run across this;

The OCOG budget outlined in Theme 7 includes more than $122 million in financing for the following programs:
• Cultural and educational programs—$27.1 million
• Olympic Torch Relay—$24.5 million
• Ceremonies—$68.0 million
• International Youth Camp—$3.0 million

The Mayor’s Office of Special Events and the Department of Cultural Affairs, both of which operate under the direction of the mayor, delivered a robust program of events in 2008 against a budget of $51 million.

See any private money being used there? That’s okay, neither did I.

After looking at more pretty pictures (in all fairness, they really are nice), we have to go all the way to page 58;

Chicago 2016’s operating plan and budget were developed to minimize financial and Games-delivery risk. The Games budget includes more than $450 million of financial contingencies against cost increases or revenue shortfalls. In addition, the City of Chicago has agreed to a $500 million guarantee and indemnity to cover any potential operating shortfall by CHICOG. A private insurer has indicated its interest in providing coverage against a potential financial shortfall or risks not covered in Games cancellation policies obtained jointly by the IOC and CHICOG.

Someone who is not named has indicated interest in maybe, possibly, insuring this. Well, hell, with a guarantee like that I can’t understand why I am so worried. Can you?

Oh well, on to page 59.

ADDITIONAL FINANCIAL GUARANTEES
To provide all necessary contingencies, Chicago 2016 has secured agreements from public, private and governmental partners across several areas.

Olympic Village
The City of Chicago has signed a contract to purchase the Olympic Village site and has obtained long-term financing for the purchase. The Village will be constructed by a private development team. More than ten qualified development teams have submitted proposals for the project, and each team includes financial partners that will work with the developer to secure financing for the project. See Theme 11 for more details.

Village financing
The City of Chicago has agreed to support the proposed site for the Village with a tax increment financing (TIF) strategy to cover infrastructure costs at the site. The TIF raises funds for development projects by capturing the future incremental tax revenues created by the project that can be reimbursed to the developer for eligible development costs.

Olympic Stadium
An established construction fi rm with experience in sports venues has worked with Chicago 2016 in developing the cost estimates to build the Olympic Stadium. This firm has issued a letter guaranteeing its ability to deliver the stadium within those costs, subject to adjustments in labor and construction materials costs.

Other competition venues
The Chicago Park District has committed to constructing the permanent venue components of the Olympic Island Slalom Course and will contribute to the permanent construction costs of the velodrome venue in Douglas Park. The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers is expected to pay approximately 50 percent of the cost to build the breakwater for the rowing venue in Monroe Harbor.

Sorry kids, read it all and see your tax dollars at play. But, not to worry, all the IOC people and companies will be visiting here with tax exempt status. You really think I am kidding don’t you. Sadly, I am not. This nugget is tucked away on page 61.

Chicago 2016 anticipates that CHICOG and the IOC will have tax-exempt status in the United States. It is therefore not anticipated that the tax structure described here will have any financial impact on CHICOG or the IOC, as taxpayer.

Page 63 shows the delightful fantasy that every penny will be recouped from the Olympics.

12. Total Income: 3,780.6 100% // Total expenditures 3,780.6 100%

By the way, those are in millions of dollars.

Feel free to panic now.

Go to NO GAMES CHICAGO to find out even more reasons why the Olympics in Chicago is a very bad idea.

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Before we begin today’s blog, I want to extend the sympathies of all of us up here to the family of RICK BERHM, Dallas Cowboy’s scouting assistant, who was paralyzed from the neck down yesterday in a freak accident that toppled their practice facility. 12 others were injured as well but most seem to be okay. Here’s hoping he’s back on the sidelines this fall looking for new talent.

Okay, now on to the less important (but more fun) stuff.

After game one in Vancouver, Canucks’ fans were seen parading the streets with a make shift, cardboard, replica of the Stanley Cup trophy.  Then the Hawks won game 2 anyway and now the series comes back to Chicago. Ooops. And, to add injury to insult, Sami Salo (Defenseman) is out with a lower back/body injury and did not make the trip to Chicago. That is a precise medical term meaning “It hurts like hell, but we have no idea why.” It also means that the Canucks are missing a key player that got them to the playoffs in the first place. Here’s hoping that those fans get an entire off-season to contemplate the true meaning of the phrase “bulletin board material.”

In case you missed it, the Bulls lost in game 7 of the NBA’s first round. That means they will not get a lottery pick this year. It also means that this team was a heck of a lot better than advertised. Joakim Noah, who got applauded ordering breakfast yesterday (“WOW! He got the croissant and low cal decaf latte! Told ya! WHOO HOO!”) would seem to epitomize the growth of this fledgling team and their virgin coach. While he seemed genuinely perplexed why anyone would cheer someone who lost in round one, he should note that people have wanted to cheer for the Bulls for a long time and this Del Negro lead team has finally given them a team they can believe in and a future they can embrace.

As for baseball, both teams seem to have put on a George Clinton record. The Cubs used the motivation to get in to an Atomic Groove and win 3 in a row while the Sox seem to have used it to go into a funk.

Yes, that was lame. I’m sorry, but not sorry enough to take it back.

Meanwhile, before you click to today’s threads, I want to ask a simple question. Why does the SUN TIMES’ web site post game times in Eastern time? Did we move the city during the night and no one got the memo?

Oh well, it’s Monday and I need coffee, so just CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!

It all begins at high noon. The perfect cliche to start what could be an epic day in Chicago sports. Not since the long ago day of April 19th has this opportunity been available to Chicago sports’ fans. And that was a VERY good day for Chicago sports, in case you’d forgotten.

The whole she-bang kicks off at 12:05 PM (CSN) today with the Cubbies against the Fish. While that might not scream “EPIC MATCH UP” to you, it is important to these two teams. The Cubs have only won 3 of their last 10 games and the first place Florida Marlins (it seems very unnatural writing that) are looking to put some space between themselves and everyone behind them. Today, there will be a LOT of Yankees and Red Sox fans cheering for the Cubs.

After you rest a while, maybe take a nap after the game, you should be raring and ready to go for round 2.

It’s time for Game 7 of one of the greatest basketball series ever played, The Bulls versus The Celtics. With tip off at 7 PM (TNT) you can plan on a another pulse pounding, hard hitting game between two teams that have learned to hate and respect each other. There is nothing I can write that is going to make this game any more interesting than it already is, so I won’t even try.

By the way, now would be a good time to make sure you have several TVs around to catch all the action.

At 7:05 PM (WGN), the first place White Sox take on the hard hitting Texas Rangers. The Sox can use this part of their schedule to put some daylight between them and the rest of the division and this would be a good game for them to start doing just that. Now that Ozzie seems to have more than one player available who can run to first base without being timed by a calendar, this could become a very fun team to watch this year.

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

At 7:30 PM (WPWR), The (still unbeaten) Chicago Fire face the Seattle Sounders in what may be one of the better match ups of this young season. The Fire lead MLS with 12 goals and the Sounders FC have allowed a league-low 3 goals on the year. Both teams are in second place in their divisions but the Fire could tie or claim first place with a victory.

NO! WE ARE NOT DONE YET!

8:00 PM (CSN+) brings us the wildly resurgent Blackhawks in their second playoff game against the Vancouver Canucks. The Hawks lost a rough one in the first game but now know that they can score against this team and hold their own on the ice. Watch for a very physical game tonight.

I know, I know, there are some you who are whining “But, Uncle Big Bad, we have lives to lead, families to support and stuff like that.” To which I say, “Suck it up losers! Grab a six pack of your favorite adult beverage, some chips and park your fat ass in front of a TV. It is your civic duty!”

All that other stuff will still be there tomorrow.

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Professional sports writers do a great job (most of them) of recapping the game, helping the fan at home enjoy what they missed or relive what they saw. But, sometimes, you can glean more from a pure fan perspective. Today is such a day. Below is a recap of game 6 from our very own El Rosado who was there.

No, JTJ does not provide and expense account. Sorry kids.

Anyway, read this wonderfully wandering monologue and you will feel what it is like to experience the joy of a fan.

Unreal.  That’s all I can say.  Hear (read?) me out.

I’ve been going to Bulls games and playoffs games since the Jordan Era. I remember sitting 4 rows from the top in the old Chicago Stadium for a 1992 Eastern Conference Finals game against the Cavaliers and having to angle my neck around a beam to see the game because of the damn obstructed view. I attend at least 15 White Sox games per year and I was at game 163 last season, which was SWEET! I remember when I was a kid randomly winding up in the 5th row behind the glass at what would end up being the 2nd-to-last Blackhawks game ever at the Chicago Stadium, a game 4 playoff win over the Toronto Maple Leafs, won on an OT goal by Tony Amonte. Someone had a hat trick, can’t remember who, but I remember throwing my White Sox hat onto the ice in celebration. That game was the catalyst for the interest I took in the Blackhawks and hockey in general at that time, which ended a few years later and hasn’t been sparked since.

(Editor’s note: he’ll be back, the Hawks are rocking!)

Did I mention how randomly it was I ended up at that game? Earlier that day I was at a White Sox - Tigers Sunday afternoon match-up at Comiskey. The White Sox would lose 7-6 when PH Dan Pasqua strikes out swinging. I always disliked Dan, and I still recall the disappointment of watching him go down swinging to end the game. I don’t know the how of it, all I know is that when my dad and I left the game we went to go meet up with my Uncle, who is a huge hockey fan, and had came into some last-minute tickets, so we went to the game, the 3 of us plus my Uncle’s friend. Sox-Blackhawks doubleheader, still remains a fond memory of mine, Dan Pasqua’s efforts aside. I regularly go to Cubs-Sox games.  I’ve been to awesome Bears games, with one of my more memorable excursions occurring in December 2005, where I sat 1st-row behind in the goalpost when the Bears and rookie QB Neckbeard Orton did battle with Mike Vick and the Atlanta Falcons on Sunday night football. Following a dismal 1st-half by Neckbeard, Bears legend Rex Grossman entered a game (to a raucous applause) for the first time that season after recovering from a pre-season injury and the Bears would beat the Falcons.

Having had the privilege to experience all of the aforementioned games live and in person, as well as countless others I haven’t even named, I can honestly say, without question, game 6 of the Bulls-Celtics series was the most incredible sporting event I’ve ever attended in my life, PERIOD. An absolutely dramatic, once in a lifetime, phenomenal game. I will treasure the memory of attending this game for the rest of my life. That ticket stub will be preserved.

I got to the UC around 5:45 and settled in for tip-off. To say the atmosphere was “electric” would be an understatement. The fans were ready for this one. That was evident from the pre-game introductions. 3 days ago, Rajon Rondo was just a really good point guard for the Boston Celtics and along with Derrick Rose, was tantalizing us all with a potential rivalry to last a decade. Now, he’s one of the most hated guys in Chicago, and likely will be for a loooong time. He might as well expect the treatment he received in game 6 for the rest of his career anytime he is playing in Chicago. He was booed the loudest during player introductions He was booed loudly each and every single time he touched the ball. Regulation. OT. Double/Triple OT. BOOOOOOOO. Along with all sorts of curse words and creative nicknames.

And when he got mixed up with Kirk Hinrich in the 1st quarter? That made the crowd rabid. Don’t know what you heard on TV, but it started with a classic “Rondo Sucks.” As the referees sorted through the mess of it all, the “Rondo Sucks” became “F**k You Rondo” followed by a “clap-clap-clap-clap-clap.” Yep, the crowd went there. But you know what? It all helped. Every BOOOO. 

Ask my friend who was at the game with me (I went with my cousin and my friend who is from Boston and now lives here). He noticed it, I noticed it, Rondo was shook. Intimidated. The crowd was in his head. He wasn’t his usual cocky, aggressive self. He was hesitant to drive to hoop, reluctant to get knocked to the floor by a Chicago big man. His body language told the story. He wasn’t carrying himself like a guy who came into game 6 averaging a triple-double for the series. He preferred to play the role of facilitator, tying Bob Cousy for a Celtics Playoff record with 19 assists, but going scoreless in the first half, finishing with only 6 for the game. The Chicago crowd getting in Rondo’s head was a major factor in this W. I don’t think he’s ever experienced any sort of tension like that directed solely at him. Maybe at his teams (Kentucky in college, Boston now) but not SOLELY at him. And it impacted his game.

If you seen the game, there’s not much else I can tell you that you don’t already know or haven’t seen, other than me saying “damn that was just an awesome game to be at.” As entertaining as it must have been to watch on TV, it was a million times as amazing to watch up-close. I cannot say enough about this team. They have some damn heart. We can all say what we want about the various shortcomings of any one of the players on the team, but you can’t question their heart. Each one of those 7-8 guys who play every night leave it all on the court and play to win.

Vinny, you’re still killing me with some of the moves you make and your timeout management, but I have to give it to you, the guys play hard all the time. Very impressive.

Jesus F**king Shuttlesworth does not care about your life.  51 is nothing to snooze at, but I still say Ray is using HGH. No way a 33 year-old Shooting Guard plays at the level he has.

I underestimated Big Baby Davis. He’s good.  Boston’s bench still sucks.

Joakim Noah’s stealing the ball from Paul Pierce, dunk, and-1, “where amazing happens”

From the start of the 4th quarter until the final buzzer in OT #3 I did not sit down.  What a game.

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The very first useful phrase I learned while studying German back in High School was “es regnet.” It’s raining. I didn’t care about this pretty hat or that funny cow, I wanted to learn phrases that I would actually use. “Haben Sie Bier hier?” was the most important one I learned, but that was not taught to me in High School.

I got to thinking about that stuff as I walked through the rain to work and through the complex that houses my offices. As I tossed out a jaunty “Dzien dobry” to the Polish workers and a bouncy “Buenos días” to the Latinos that surround our building, it occurred to me that there are some bells that can not be un-rung. There are a lot of very different people here and they are here to stay. And these people are looking for new traditions to help them acclimate and to give them common ground. And they seem to have found one in baseball.

So, it is in that spirit of unity that I tackle today’s post.

The Cubs, projected division winners and shoo-ins for a World Series placement, are off to a 10-10 start and not impressing very many people. That is not to say that they won’t. They have the potential to score so many runs that they could win every game by a touchdown or more. Plus, despite some kidding around, they do have some high quality starting pitching. But consistency, oft rued as the hobgoblin of little minds, has been their foe this year thus far. One day you are thinking of handing out Silver Sluggers all around and the next you want to take a Louisville Slugger to their kneecaps.

What is going to happen to this team? Well, for whatever it’s worth, I think that they will pull this thing together. Despite the fact that, as PHIL ROGERS (Tribune) notes, they have made some trades this season that are not working out as planned.

The crushing playoff series losses against the Dodgers and Diamondbacks made last winter a huge time for Hendry. The early returns are alarming, to say the least. Here’s a progress report on Hendry’s three biggest 2008-09 transactions:

The Bradley signing: Early grade—F
***
The DeRosa trade: Early grade—F
***
The Jason Marquis trade: Early grade—D
***

Click his link above to read his reasons for each grade.

Even so, you couldn’t name the team that wouldn’t want their starting 3 pitchers and there has never been a Pinella lead team that didn’t learn defense. Figure by June they will be in front and starting to look like the team everyone expected them to be. After that, they’re on their own.

The Sox, projected cellar dwellers and expected to compete with the Royals for last place, find themselves a game over .500 (WHEW, THEY ARE ROCKING NOW! ) and in a 3 way tie for first place in the Central Division. Despite all the pre-season talk about speed and situational hitting, this team is looking more and more like pitching and station to station hitting are what’s going to get them by.

What’s going to happen to them? I don’t see anyone running away with the AL Central. This is going to be a dog fight until October. But, for whatever masochistic reasons Ozzie harbors, that is exactly the kind of season that he flourishes in. The only thing is that the Sox are thinner than they thought and the next couple of weeks are really going to show a lot about this team.  As MARK GONZALES (Tribune) reports, change is coming to the South Side whether they want it or not.

There may be little resemblance between the White Sox that beat Seattle 6-3 Wednesday and the squad that will open a three-game series Friday at Texas.

Jim Thome will test his left heel Thursday on the base paths to determine if he can avoid the 15-day disabled list, and center fielder Brian Anderson was in obvious discomfort after injuring a right oblique muscle.

And after Wednesday’s victory, backup outfielder Jerry Owens shook hands with a few teammates before carrying his athletic bag out of the clubhouse.

That could pave the way for a return by 2005 hero Scott Podsednik, who is batting .262 with one stolen base in 42 at-bats at Triple-A Charlotte.

The Sox said they won’t announce any roster moves through Thursday, but they will know more about Thome and Anderson before boarding a plane to Texas.

Nevertheless, the overall rotation for this team is taking shape nicely through fits and starts. Assuming not much else changes in the division, there is no reason the Sox can’t repeat as Central Division Champs in 2009. But, for the record, if they could win it in the allotted number of games and keep me off heart meds, that would be acceptable.

So, there you have it my baseball brethren, despite the rain, I see nothing but sunshine. And, before you send me those wonderful emails rife with misspellings and profanities, keep in mind I have been on a bit of a roll when it comes to Chicago teams this season. So, cut me some slack, watch the games and let me know in October how I did.

CLICK TO HERE GET OUT OF THE RAIN!

Lou Redwood: Jackie Moon is Flint’s favorite son. And he has done more for this city than any human being who’s ever lived on this planet!
Dick Pepperfield: With the possible exception of eh, Henry Ford… Jackie Moon has done a lot for this city, you’re right about that.

I was going to post a pic of Mr. Celtic Gangsta bellowing smack into the ear of a dejected Ben Gordon.

But if you are a Bulls fan, you already witnessed that little debacle. And kudos to Stacey King for calling it exactly the way it was during the conclusion of last night’s broadcast. Yeah, that’s right Garnett. Sit there all game long and then get brave and trash talk only once the game is at hand.

At least our guy was on the floor last night. Ben Gordon is a keeper. The guy is all heart with or without the painkillers required to sedate the throbbing strained hamstring. And he gave everything he had and then so more. Unlike Garnett, who sat on the bench and did nothing with the exception of chastising Gordon. No, I don’t give a damn if his knee was ripped out of its hinge.

Kevin Garnett is a cowardly trash talking worthless gimp. And my sincere apologies to those offended with the political incorrect assessment. And no, I don’t take any of those nasty adjectives back.

But all the matters is that the Bulls right now feel the same way. And I hope they do. To pull out Game#6 tomorrow night requires a little hate. Okay, how about a whole lot of hate? And it should be begin with Kevin Garnett. And then filter the rage towards Doc Rivers. Admittedly Rivers bitches and whines with more ferocity than Del Negro. For the love of God, Vinnie please put your hands down and out of prayer position when complaining to the officials. Shake those fists! Don’t plead with ‘em!

Rajon Rondo did what he was supposed to do. Of course, Rivers afterward had to rub the salt in the Bulls wounds by declaring it a “great foul”. And yes, it was. Too bad the officials didn’t make the proper call. It should have been a flagrant foul. Reverse the players in the situation. Rondo would get that call. But Brad Miller does not. Not last night, today, or tomorrow. Such is life in the NBA.

The stars were all aligned for Brad Miller to be the hero. And it was excruciating to watch Big Brad slowly barrel down the open floor to attempt that layup, dunk, short shot or whatever the hell he had in mind. Did I say slow? Yeah, really slow. As in watching Billy Bob chug down the field for the game winning touchdown (now you understand the Ali Larter obligatory photograph). Only Billy Bob delivered (in all of his former 300+ lb glory) while a dazed and bleeding Miller missed the first foul shot and failed to hit the rim on the second. And suddenly, it was point and match for the Celtics.

Cue Kevin Garnett’s courage...

I hate this Celtics team. Even more so than Joakim Noah. Game# 6 in the United Center should be a bloodbath. Garnett should be greeted with the same warmth as a midnight noire feline prancing around the Cubs on deck circle. Elliott Harris offered the following assessment:

Any resemblance between the Celtics as a championship team of last season and of this season is purely coincidental. Boston without Kevin Garnett is like what the Bulls would be if they had a player as good as KG but he would be sitting out the postseason. Gee, aren’t the Bulls fortunate not to have to worry about losing a player of that caliber.

Invite Milton Bradley to sit on the Bulls bench for Game#6. That should even out the verbal haranguing.

But let’s have a little fun here. Bulls win tomorrow night. And fast forward to Game#7. Justice would be a game winning shot from Brad Miller. The TD Banknorth Garden is silenced. Only the jaw belonging to Doc Rivers can be heard with an echoing thud against the floor. Kevin Garnett’s eyes begin to mist. A lot.

And just to rub it in a little more, Joakim Noah decides its time to jig. As in river dancing.

So Noah dances and dances. He weaves. He bobs. It is a spectacle to behold. He serves up a baffled and confused (also rather quiet) Kevin Garnett. The cowardly trash talking worthless gimp is so utterly confused that he pulls out his checkbook and donates a million dollars to the Asperger Syndrome Research Foundation. Anything to make the horror go away.

And Ben Gordon picks up the game basketball and hands it over to Brad Miller who promptly boots it into the rafters. The ball strikes the 2008 championship banner, tearing it down and smothering Doc Rivers’ entire team.

Good luck to the Bulls on their quest to killing off the hopes and dreams of a repeat championship for these ingrate leprechaun worshippers.

‘Cause like you said Kevin at the conclusion of last season, anything is possible.

Insert movie dialogue from outdated flick

Today, formulaic writing has perhaps disgraced its presence on the front page for the very last time.

No fun, my babe no fun
No fun, my babe no fun
No fun to hang around
Feeling that same old way
No fun to hang around
Freaked out for another day

Step 1: Check. Nobody reads it, so why bother? I guess I really mean “uncheck”.

Jay Mariotti, we miss you. Shed some wisdom over here, if you could be so kind.

Not sure why, but I get in trouble when I refer to NASCAR folks as dumb. That won’t deter me from skewering Bobby Allison, who is missing air in his tire when it comes to cars, spectators and danger.

Understandable Jay. The pain is shared. Some folks here think Joakim Noah is the greatest entity since sliced bread. They probably appreciate NASCAR as well. It takes a genius to make left hand turns for 500 miles.

Step 2: Bitch

The Cubs lost again last night. Any more injuries to this team, and Lou Piniella really will be filling out a lineup consisting of the Peoria Chiefs.

However, the season is still early. Cubdom will insist that 9-9 means nothing in April. Somehow games at the beginning of the year magically are less valuable to win than those in September. We really need to stop being so negative about Neal Cotts. It is not his fault that Jim Hendry keeps him employed as the lefty bullpen specialist incapable of throwing a strike.

No fun, my babe no fun
No fun, my babe no fun
No fun to be alone
Walking by my self
No fun to be alone
In love with nobody else

Step 3: Bitch Some More.

The White Sox are really not faring that much better. They as well are 9-9. The drums are beating slowly for the beheading of Jose Contreras.

However, the season is still early. Chisoxdom (?) will insist that 9-9 means nothing in April (doesn’t get more formulaic than re-writing the very same sentence huh?). Somehow games at the beginning of the year are less valuable to win than those in September. We really need to stop being so negative about missing Neal Cotts. It is not his fault that Ken Williams did not keep him employed as the lefty bullpen specialist incapable of throwing a strike.

Ozzie seems a little too subdued this season. He is starting to look frumpy. Kind of like a poor man’s younger version of Lou Piniella.  A little Jay might restore some zest to Guillen’s life.

Oh yeah, what was Jay saving the world from again?

NASCAR crashes? Alright:

Every time the sport deals with a mainstream media crisis—the latest being the violent, special-effects-like Edwards wreck that sent debris shooting into the stands and injured seven spectators, one of whom was still hospitalized Monday—too many good old boys hunker down and resist common-sense advice from “outsiders’’ like me.

Gee Jay, I dunno if that is exactly true. I’m sure lots of southern good ol’ boys like your purty mouth.

Step 4: Link to the thread where you’re still bitching.

Well I really cannot do that because the policy of the website is not to provide Jay Mariotti any direct weblinks. After all, no links equals no money for Jay. Seems a little harsh. Hair gel is not cheap these days and a fella has got to pay the bills.

Well, maybe go out,
Maybe stay home
Maybe call Mom on the telephone

I’m already running out of steam on appraising Jay’s masterpiece over NASCAR car crashes.

Let’s talk about something else.

Why does Ozzie Guillen seemingly hate Venezuelans? Is it a Hugo Chavez political thing? Does Ozzie share the same contempt for Puerto Ricans? Or Mexicans? Can we at least agree on everyone hating the French? Mayonnaise on french fries is just disgusting. That indeed deserve global scorn. Even Kim Jong-il is appalled.

Oh yeah, we still need a web link to complete this formulaic drivel. I searched diligently for the most appropriate quote. This is what I found, courtesy of Celtics fan Steve Weinman (Blog a Bull):

One thing I do know. I’m adding Joakim Noah to the list of players that I simply don’t like seeing on the basketball court. Nobody wants to be called a “hater” but I guess you could label it that if you want. Here’s Noah in a nutshell to me: Take KG and all his antics and most of his energy. Remove almost all of the talent and beat him senseless with an ugly stick. That’s Noah (and that might be giving him too much credit).

Clearly Steve has no idea what he is talking about either. Joakim Noah is the greatest basketball player of all-time. And Michael Jordan knows it.

There really isn’t much point to continuing this further. Nobody really reads these posts. So I’ll post an old family chili recipe:

Ingredients

* 2-3 lbs pork roast (pre-diced pork works well for a faster preparation. Just brown with onions)
* 2 tablespoons cooking oil or lard or bacon grease
* 1 large chopped onion (not traditional) (optional)
* 1 head minced garlic (taste great, but also helps prevent heart burn)
* 6 tablespoons flour
* 1 (15 ounce) can tomatoes, drained
* 2 cups diced green chilies (I use Big Jims, roasted, peeled and frozen by the bushel every fall)
* 3 large tomatillos, husks removed and coarsely chopped (optional)
* 2-4 teaspoons jalapenos (optional)
* 5 cups water or chicken broth (broth is not traditional, but I like the flavor better)
* 2 tablespoons ground cumin (or to taste)
* 2 tablespoons ground chili powder (or to taste) (optional)
* 1 teaspoon salt

Directions
1. Simmer roast in a large pan until meat is tender and removes from the bone easily. (You can also use diced pork, or pork cube steaks (cut to bite size pieces), browned in the pot with the onion and garlic before adding the rest of the ingredients).
2. Cool meat enough to handle.
3. Cube cooked pork into bite size pieces.
4. Process 1/2 of the green chilies until smooth.
5. In the same large pan, melt the lard or bacon grease (or heat oil).
6. Add onions and garlic; sauté until tender but not brown.
7. Stir flour into the onion, garlic and fat until flour absorbs the oil or fat.
8. Add broth or water.
9. Cook and stir until mixture comes to boil and is slightly thickened.
10. Add cubed meat, drained tomatoes, chopped tomatillos, all of the green chilies and jalapeños if desired (taste first).
11. Add the spices a little at a time until you get the taste you like, bringing to a simmer before each addition.
12. Simmer for at least 1 hour (longer if you can afford the time), stirring occasionally to prevent it from sticking to the bottom of the pan.
13. If you want more of a stew type chili, add cubed potatoes 20 minutes before serving; serve with warm tortillas.
14. Serve over burritos and garnish with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and sour cream.
15. Leave pork out for a vegetarian green chili sauce.

The key ingredient is the meat. Yes, this is a pork based recipe. For best results, import it from Mexico. Don’t let a little inconvenient pneumonia and a bad case of diarrhea spoil your appetite. And it is rather low glycemic for the blood sugar dysfunctional. Obesity is frigging killing our society. This will cut off at least 10 lbs of body water per serving. Guaranteed. (*Disclaimer: These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. Tyrone’s family chili recipe is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.)

If only Jay Mariotti ate better. I’m somewhat surprised he has not yet filed a lawsuit against professional sports for force feeding him processed fast foods served in all those sports barns. No wonder he hides out in the bunker. Thank God for that cardiologist in New Orleans.

Well, come on, well, come on
Well, come on, well, come on
Well, come on, well, come on
Well, come on, well, come on

Another random thought that really has nothing to do with anything other than allow me to climb on a soapbox and… what was that word again? Bitch. Bitch? Right, thank you very much. What the hell was up with the White House deciding to buzz the old 9/11 haunts in New York City? In the very least, was Michael Bay able to capture this dramatic footage on camera? And when does 9/11 Part II makes its Hollywood premiere?  Flashback to Top Gun:

Maverick: Requesting permission for flyby.
Air Boss Johnson: That’s a negative ghostrider, the pattern is full.

Seriously, how is the Mayor of New York not made aware of Air Force One buzzing his city? All this for a photo op? How much tax payer dough did that cost?

King Dick is pissed off. And he should be. This kind of stuff is supposed to happen in Chicago. Think about it. A breathless shot of Air Force One flying 10 feet above the Sears Tower (I don’t care what it is now called) would slam dunk the Olympic bid. That is enough excitement to give Oprah Winfrey her first orgasm since 1976.

Oh no. Damn. Fell out of the formulaic method. This is supposed to be displayed at the top.

No fun to be alone
No fun to be alone
Hang on, don’t let me go
No fun to be alone

Jay the Joke is dedicated to unifying true fans of all Chicago sports through their shared contempt of the daily offerings from writers who emulate Jay Mariotti. We’re also not too fond of Jay either.

Just re-read the website’s mission statement. Interesting. At no point does it mention unanimous unabashed homerism of all that is Chicago sports. Perhaps the admins need to get together and reconsider.

Must be one of those “Chicago things”.

A discussion of “what television shows do you watch other than sports” has never initiated here at Jay the Joke.  I’m married. I usually get full advantage of the remote control. But sometimes it is necessary to flick the channel when Cotts is warming up in the bullpen. Here are 10 shows that have graced the Briggs household:

1. The Mentalist: Stupid CBS crap. But my wife loves it. I think she has a thing for white dudes wearing 3 piece suits. What the hell is the California Bureau of Investigation? Seriously, would any witness to a crime really stop and talk to someone flashing a CBI badge? On the plus side, the chicks are always wearing super tight pants and tops. On the downside, so are the dudes. Clearly this is show intended to keep all ilks of orientation satisfied.

2. The Tudors: Henry VIII was a badass. In today’s world, he would be Samuel L. Jackson with a veneral wart on his manly part. Best chicks ever on HBO. This is what Caligula aspired to be. And some poor peasant always gets his head lobbed off or tortured (the hot poker in the bottom was a bit much though) every episode.

3. Rome: Sadly, this series has ended. Pretty much the same as The Tudors. The guy who played Marc Antony gets to nail just about every actress on this show. And he clearly loves the role. Who could blame him? John Carpenter should be hired to script and direct Henry VIII vs Marc Antony in a time warp thriller a la Alien vs Predator. Just throw in all that naked babes and it will be an instant classic.

4. Two and A Half Men: Another favorite of the wife. Charlie Sheen scores a hell of a lot of MILFs on this show. But they need to stop feeding that kid. He needs to sample more pork chili and less fast food.

5. South Park: Keeps me sane. Most oft quoted program by yours truly here at Jay the Joke. This new season has been a huge bust.

6. Ghost Hunters: What a bunch of crap. Spooky night cameras with an overdubbed Marilyn Manson soundtrack to cover up all the supposed paranormal sounds and other miscellaneous alleged “activity”. If this group really wanted to be frightened, go investigate Jay Mariotti’s house.

7. Ghost Hunters International:  Because it is sometimes boring to rewatch the same investigations being conducted in stereotypical white trash trailers so the Euro flavor of castles and dungeons is sometimes warranted.

8. Kitchen Nightmares: Gordon Ramsay is a douche that knows how to cook and kick ass in the kitchen. Every other word out of this wonker’s mouth is “F*ck” (happy Bill?). He really is one crazy son of a bitch. There is a BBC version of this show but it is pretty dry and boring. The American version is much more entertaining as the kitchens are grosser, the food* more despicable and chefs that would wash out of McDonald’s Hamburger University. One day Ramsay is going to attacked and killed by an irate kitchen staff. And they will serve the patrons my chili recipe with a unique pork substitute.

9. Deadliest Catch: Picture white trash on ugly ass boats bobbing around in the Bering Sea. These dudes are insane. They crab fish without taking breaks for about 4 weeks. Every episode is always good for some medical emergency such as “man overboard”, an 800 lb pot falling on someone’s head, fishing cleaver body dismemberment, and overdosing on Red Bull and cigarettes.

10. Ice Road Truckers: Sarah Palin must be offering free turkeys to the broadcasting corporation heads for all of these docudramas produced in Alaska. Picture Smokey and the Bandit hauling ass across 1 inch frozen ice.

And finally, no doubt that a lot of regulars here will follow Big Bad Bill’s lead on wearing the above shown thong. Yes, it is quite sexy. And perhaps appropriate to satisfyingly bind up the buttock cheeks while reading the front page. Assuredly, more than a few regulars here will require something of a XXXXL waistline capacity and not so much room in the front. Even during these dire economic times (all George W. Bush’s fault of course), everyone can shell out the $10 to purchase. Note to Bill: Gotta get these with the domain name... Here is the link to purchase. (Won’t that webmaster be scratching his head and nuts when reviewing the hits of the day)

Maybe send a few to Jay’s bunker as well. It is always nice to receive a “Welcome Back, We Missed You” present.

Because if Jay doesn’t come back soon to Chicago, Jay the Joke will implode from its narcissism.

And last but not least, the Blackhawks defeated those flamers from Calgary (wherever the hell that is?) last night. Good for the Hawks. Seriously, Chicago has not won a hockey playoff series since 1996. Remember 1996?

- US budget crisis in fourth month (Jan 3).

- Clinton approves resumption of many government operations (Jan. 6).

- Bob Dole sweeps primaries (March 5).

- F.B.I. arrests suspected Unabomber (April 3).

- Clinton signs line-item veto bill (April 9).

- President blocks ban on late-term abortions (April 10).

- Valujet crashes in Everglades; all 110 aboard killed (May 11).

- 747 airliner crashes in Atlantic off Long Island, N.Y.; all 230 aboard perish (July 17).

- Congress passes welfare reform bill (Aug. 2); approved by Clinton Aug. 22.

- Republican convention nominates Bob Dole and Jack Kemp (Aug. 14); Democratic convention nominates incumbents Clinton and Gore, who win the national election (Nov. 5).

- Clinton appoints Madeleine Albright as first female US secretary of state (Dec. 5).

Poor Bob Dole. He had no chance against BJ Clinton. However, he did make a crapload of money shilling ED drugs. And who would not want to get a Bob Dole like boner and be just like Bob Dole. Bob Dole wants to be like Bob Dole! Norm MacDonald has been unemployed ever since that election. Be careful what you wish for SNL, you just might receive it. How funny is it to lampoon St. Teleberry in the most tasteful politically way possible?

This post really had no relevance, did it? Oh well. That is why formulaic writing is valuable. Keeps one on track.

Have a great day!

My Vinny Del Negro fan club is now up to 3 members. Our newest member, whom we immediately made Secretary Treasurer due to the fact that he had a working credit card, summed it all up nicely; “Win or lose, they came to play.”

And that they did. For one and a half games. That is how long yesterday’s battle lasted. And it ended with a 121-118 victory for the Bulls. RICK MORRISSEY (Tribune) sums it all up nicely;

The best-of-seven series is tied 2-2, an astonishing development considering how poorly the Bulls played in a Game 3 loss at home.

The team that had rolled up and played dead three days before suddenly relocated its heart. And speaking of anatomy ...

Ben Gordon has what former Gov. Rod Blagojevich once referred to as “testicular virility.” We know this because Gordon grabbed his crotch after hitting a three-pointer to send the game into double overtime. You know, in case anyone didn’t understand the, um, guts it takes to hit a shot like that.

Either the NBA will fine Gordon or the FCC will. Or his mom will.

How tense was that second overtime? Simply put, in the bar I was in no one touched their drinks. They were glued to the screen, screaming and yelling and high fiving, but not drinking. Trust me when I say that to make this group forget their booze, you truly have to have their undivided attention.

Okay, we all have to admit that this team is slightly schizophrenic. That comes with youth. Rick takes a stab at figuring them out and then gives up.

So don’t try to understand this Bulls team. You’d have an easier time understanding “Beowulf” in the original Old English.

“We’re really living in the moment, enjoying this,” Noah said. “We’re playing on the biggest stage in the world at home in Chicago. ... I know there were a lot of ups and downs this year, and it just feels good to make people happy.”

If you enjoy seeing the future of the NBA, Sunday made you happy. Bulls rookie Derrick Rose and the Celtics’ Rajon Rondo, in his third year, went at it during regulation and put on an incredible show.

They took turns driving to the basket, going up and under bigger defenders and making all sorts of difficult shots.

Rondo had 25 points, 11 rebounds and 11 assists. Rose finished with 23 points, 11 rebounds and nine assists.

“It’s just fun out there when we are playing against one another,” Rose said.

5 doubles between 2 players. That is astonishing in and of itself. Now, if the Bulls’ team that played games 1, 2 and 4 would be kind enough to show up for game 5, this could get interesting.

Our very own Tyrone Briggs started a thread, so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!

Samson: I think I broke his f*ckin’ neck!
Announcer: I think he broke his f*ckin’ neck!
Team doctor: One side, one side.
[Examines injured player]
Team doctor: Get the ambulance! I think he broke his f*ckin’ neck.
Samson: See! I told you I broke his f*ckin’ neck!

The Detroit Lions rewarded Matt Stafford with the most guaranteed money in NFL history.

Makes perfect sense of course. The quarterback has yet to receive one snap in the pros.

Perhaps when Roger Goodell completes his mission of adjudicating the degree of sincerity in Michael Vick’s apology, the commissioner will find the time to implement a rookie pay scale. How far off are we from a future draft where teams refuse to participate in the upper half of the first round due to these dumb overinflated contract negotiations?

Jerry Angelo had himself one hell of a first day gold mining for future Bears. He unearthed Jay Cutler, the unheralded {cough} and seldom talked {cough} about starting quarterback from the Denver Broncos. Imagine that. A proven professional quarterback is a cheaper and more viable option than the Lions handing over Fort Knox to garner a good but hardly OMG! This guy is the next Joe Montana college football player.

Typically first round draft picks are coveted within the NFL ranks. Untouchable. And what happens when a work of art becomes appraised as being priceless? Simply put, unaffordable and not worth the risk. Especially for an organization still reeling from the embarrassment of a putrid drafting alumnus consisting of Spellman, McNown, Enis, Salaam, Benson, Terrell and Haynes. What about Grossman, you ask? The Sex Cannon has suffered enough, thank you very much.

When time was nearing for the Bears to pick at spot #49 of the draft yesterday, Angelo looked at the board and didn’t see the right names remaining for the amount of dough required to be shelled out. He must have recalled previous nuisances of rookie contract hold outs, bitchy agents, bitchy coaches wanting everyone in camp, and an even bitchier local media press encircling Halas Hall like sharks waiting to devour the next draft bust. He explains:

“Obviously it was an uneventful day today,” said general manager Jerry Angelo. “The key to drafting is filling your needs without leaving levels, and we were going to adhere to that throughout this draft.

“Unfortunately, the players that we targeted at 49 did not fall to us.”

So Angelo took a pass. And he traded away the pick to the Seahawks for a 3rd and 4th pick.  It is doubtful he experienced any restless sleep over this move last night.

Jerry Angelo is dumb as a fox. He knows his future as the Bears GM depends upon a still maturing, diabetic starting quarterback that has been carousing Chicago’s bars and hanging out with the local chicks. In Dallas, at least the starting quarterback beds down a now thigh thickening Jessica Simpson (but hey, who the hell will ever forget that Dukes of Hazard bikini scene?). But here in Chicago, the best Cutler can do for now is an Internet pseudocelebrity with the relevance of Tron Guy and Dramatic Look Gopher.

Even still, Cutler is much closer to Sid Luckman and uhh 1985 Jim McMahon versus just about every other Bears starting quarterback. Angelo knows this. And he has thrown all his remaining career chips on the poker table that this offseason move, along with signing Orlando Pace, will placate the locals and garner a division title and return trip to the playoffs.

And if not?

Bye, bye Jerry.

Sometime today, the Bears will draft a receiver. And since I’m not a college football obsessed maven, I’ll bow to David Haugh’s suggestions for Angelo’s selection possibilities:

Three wide receivers still available—Juaquin Iglesias of Oklahoma, Louis Murphy of Florida and Kevin Ogletree of Virginia—fit the profile the Bears seek and would seem to have enough value to justify being chosen at that spot. Safeties still on the board that might interest the Bears at either No. 68 or No. 99 include Chris Clemons of Clemson and David Bruton of Notre Dame.

Any of these guys at wideout be the next Jerry Rice? I dunno. But could they do any worse than last year’s almost non-existent receiving corps?

Trading away first round picks in exchange for established pro talent.  Avoiding second round picks by trading down in exchange for multiple lower round selections. Staying under the radar, protecting cap space and dodging first day, big college name, huge expensive contracts that quite possibly yield franchise destroying humiliation and a one way ticket to the unemployment line?

Jerry Angelo might be the NFL’s most astute executive.  A revolutionary pioneer of our times. How to save face and keep your job.

If that doesn’t wake up Goodell and the owners to renegotiate a rookie salary cap/pay scale with the NFLPA, nothing will. 

Shoeless Joe Jackson: What’s with the lights?
Ray Kinsella: Oh, all the stadiums have them now. Even Wrigley Field.
Shoeless Joe Jackson: Makes it harder to see the ball.
Ray Kinsella: Yeah, well, the owners found that more people can attend night games.
Shoeless Joe Jackson: [Shakes his head] Owners.

Milton Bradley is a sad, sad, sad Cub.

Poor Milton.

$30 million apparently cannot buy happiness.

Some folks here feel that I have been a little harsh on Mr. Bradley. After all, the man is supposedly injured. Or is that just “hurt”. In little league, I remember a coach lecturing to us rug rats on the difference. “Injured” is paramedic time. You cannot play. You have a physical ailment requiring medical treatment. And as for “hurt”? Have your mommy kiss the boo-boo, slap on a band-aid and quit whining.

Milton says he cannot play. Fair enough. His manager, Lou Piniella, also has declared that his star outfielder will not return until he is 100% healthy. Apparently, that is Lou’s longtime policy. Okay, fair enough as well.

So who do we see at the plate in a pinch hitting role last night?

Milton Bradley.

But at least he didn’t strike out this time. He walked. Ultimately it made no difference. The Cubs lost again. And Bradley furthermore risked further injury. Or hurt. Whichever the case, I suppose.

Seems to be a lot of double talk around the clubhouse concerning the authentic physical status of Mr. Bradley. If he were really injured, it would only make sense that he would be placed on the disabled list and call up a fresh, healthy body as a substitute. But oh no, there are only growing whispers of that possibility.

So why not just ask Milton Bradley himself?

Well, his feelings apparently are hurt. Or injured. With Milton, one can never really be sure:

‘’I’m tired of being told somebody wrote this about you when that person has never even come in here and talked to me,’’ Bradley said, when asked whether his public silence the last week and a half had anything to do with problems or issues he has with the Chicago media. ‘’You can’t write articles and consider yourself a legitimate, credible reporter when your information is based on nothing. It’s not you in particular. This is anybody.

‘’Basically, for me, I talk to people I like. I don’t particularly like the media, and the media doesn’t like me. So let’s not pretend we’re buddies or you’re trying to do anything for me. If anything, you hurt me more than help. So I don’t see any benefit of really talking to the media. That’s just how I feel. That’s how I’ve always felt.’’

Yapping about why you are not yapping? That is about as consistent as your playing status.

Oh gee whiz Milton, you mean the media hasn’t been overly kind to an oft injured, suspended waiting for appeal, .043 hitter that refuses to talk to the local news guys?

And by the way, if you think this is “unfair"*, count your lucky stars that AWOL Jay is not nailing you to a cross alongside Jim Hendry on the back page of the Chicago Sun-Times.

Perhaps somebody in the clubhouse might be wise to throw a flea flicker in Milton’s ear. Assuming of course, his listening capabilities are not as impaired as those tortured adductor muscles. And gently remind him that it is the Chicago Tribune that still writes the checks.

Yes Milton, you work for a newspaper company. You confessed to hating your boss. And suggested your boss hates you in return. A bankrupt business perhaps looking to unload the Wrigley White Elephant over to Gordon Ricketts Gekko, but still your boss nonetheless.

Get well soon. Physically and mentally. Your teammates need you. Derrick is aging 10 years by the inning and has been reduced to warning track hitting status. Aramis is hurting. And now something is up with Carlos Marmol. If this continues, Neal Cotts will be given a contract extension and Kosuke will be hailed as the greatest Cub hitter of all-time.

And be careful going up those slippery stairs to the press box when hunting down Steve Rosenbloom. Wouldn’t want to see anyone slip and fall.  Re-tearing an ACL is nasty business.

Worker’s compensation is awfully expensive these days. And the Tribune probably doesn’t need the extra financial woes. As it is, your $30 million is more than enough of a burden.

Milton Bradley, welcome to Chicago.

It isn’t even really coffee. It is one of those fu fu de-caf things that pretends to be coffee. Kind of like a 9 year old girl in a wedding dress, it’s not fooling anyone .Except maybe in Arkansas.

Anyway, on to real news.

The Sox lost yesterday and I managed to avoid using Colon and Cleansed in the same sentence. Well, until now, that is. While Bartolo Colon has looked good his previous three starts yesterday left a little to be desired.  Oh, okay, it was freaking brutal to watch. It was like he forgot what that round thing, that they insisted on handing him, was for. Worse yet, Jermaine Dye snapped a 95 game errorless streak. I guess when it rains, it pours.  Even so, the Sox came home with a 6-4 record off of this road trip and are still tied for first place.

The Cubs are also 6-4 over their last 10 games, however 8 of them have been at home. They are also on pace to set an MLB record with a loss in every game they have committed an error. Thus far that totals 6 of their 6 losses. So, a team that has been built around a power hitting offense now must field a solid defense to compete. Before Cubs fans start lining up on the ledge all decked out in their funereal blues, please keep in mind that their best defensive outfield will feature Soriano, Johnson and Fukudome who are hitting a combined .319. There may be a few less home runs with that line up, but there will also be far fewer brain curdling gaffes.

In other words, stick around, this should be a good year for Chicago baseball.

The Bulls. I don’t know what to do here. When I write nice things about them they go and play like they have never heard of the game before. When I rip on them they beat the Celtics on their home court and scare the hell out of the rest of the league. I am hoping that this is serendipity and not proof that the current roster of the Bulls is paying such close attention to this site.

But, just in case; WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? DEFENSE IS NOT THAT STUPID THING AROUND YOUR LAWN. GET OFF YOUR DEAD ASSES AND PLAY LIKE WE KNOW YOU CAN. JESUS, YOU ARE DRIVING ME TO DRINK .... more.

The Hawks return home to face The Flames on Saturday night. I tried to get reasonably priced ticket to the game. I learned to love the sound of scalpers laughing. So, I will, instead, trundle over to my favorite watering hole and enjoy the game. This has been an exciting year for this team and I would bet that Saturday night will be one heck of a game.

GO HAWKS!

In other news, Major League Soccer has set a new, and I think - wonderful, precedent by charging Milan Italy 10 million dollars to keep David Beckham out of the United States (at least until July). Just think, if this idea catches on with other sports, we could be a whiny, self absorbed, loser free country by 2011.

It is innovations like this that make one proud to be an American.

Oh well, it is ADD Friday, so I will keep this short, CLICK HERE TO MAKE FUN OF DE-CAF COFFEE!

It has been a heck of a week for me. From discovering that beating your head with a brick is more soothing than talking to the gas company, to finding out that I am not as young or nimble as I once believed myself to be. Suffice it to say that hitting Thursday brings with it a certain joy in the sense that this mess is almost over.

Sure, there have been some highlights this week. The Hawks are deeper in the playoffs than they have been in almost a decade. Derrick Rose won Rookie of the Year in the NBA and deserved it. The Chicago Fire are still unbeaten. The White Sox are in a 3-way scrum for first place and the Cubs .... well, they continue to be the Cubs.

But, no matter what happened to me this week, I have to admit that it is better than losing over $30,000 a day in income. That is what is happening to the Yankees right now.

I couldn’t wish this on nicer people.

The, currently, 3rd place Yankees are not only not selling out like they used to, they are not selling any of those cool pricey seats they were counting on to pay their bills. RONALD BLUM (AP) brings us all up to speed.

At the new Yankee Stadium, the best seats in the house have turned out to be the emptiest. The most expensive spots in America’s costliest ballpark have become an embarrassment packing a financial sting to the proud New York Yankees, as the Legends Suite section in the infield has been filled only once in the six games since the $1.5 billion stadium opened last week.

On most days, the seats that cost $500-$2,500 as part of season tickets and go up to $2,625 for individual games haven’t been close to full. And as TV cameras pick up the patchy attendance with every pitch, it serves as a little tweak to the nation’s richest baseball franchise.

“We’re done talking about seats,” Yankees president Randy Levine said Wednesday. “We’re not talking about seats.”

But fans sure notice.

“It’s been pretty phenomenal,” said Aaron Feldstein, a native Californian who lived in Brooklyn for a couple of years and now resides in Baltimore. He was part of the far-from-sellout crowd at the Yankees’ 9-7 victory in 14 innings Wednesday over the Oakland Athletics on a showery, cold afternoon. The Legend Suite section was about 80 percent empty, and the upper decks — which have been mostly full — were a quarter empty.

Well, Randy may be done talking about seats, but the rest of the country is just starting.

Ignoring the argument as to whether public monies should be used for sports facilities since that would require dissertations from economists that we can not afford to employ, the Yankees are still facing a huge problem. Strictly from a PR standpoint, lots of empty seats on national TV makes them look like a 3A team that is barnstorming. From a more practical viewpoint, a big part of the reason they got financed was because they promised investors that those seats would be full more often than not and “not” has been the operative word.

Yes, part of it is due to the current economy, but not all. I actually know some die-hard Yankees fans who could easily afford those tickets. Each and every one has told me there is no way in hell they would pay those prices for regular games. They feel as though they are being taken advantage of and they will not stand for that.

Gee, who’d a thunk that millionaires aren’t morons?

Clearly no one in the Yankees organization.

CLICK HERE TO *HEART* NY!

There are very few authors who can make the story about themselves and make it worth the reader’s time. Ernest Hemingway, W.E.B. Du Bois, Hunter S. Thompson and Alex Haley pop to mind. There might be one or two others.

I will admit that sports journalists have a tougher time than many since the reader expects to find out the author’s personal take on the events at hand and to feel like they were there with them. Most successful sports writers accomplish this through small vignettes and allow the facts of the story to take center stage.

Most also tend to write about events that are current in the reader’s mind. As one journalist once told me, “That way the manure is fresh in the ground for cultivating.” I guess that’s as good a way as any to look at it.

So, it comes as no surprise that today we are graced with a story* about a non-event that occurred on March 24th of this year and manages to finally tie Rod Balgojevich, the Cubs and himself* all into one festering boil of an article*.

He* who shall not be named writes*;

Promising myself that I’d take four showers afterward, while mixing extra-strength Tide with the soap, I reluctantly appeared on a radio show hosted by the scummy Rod Blagojevich. He tried to butter me up by saying he watches our TV show on ESPN—“I don’t have as much to do in the afternoon,” he said—but I figured it was my Illinois civic duty to hammer the disgraced ex-governor about something.

The opening came early. He asked if I agreed with him that his beloved Cubs, in their 101st season of punishing hearts and torturing minds, finally will win the World Series this year. I lambasted him for randomly proposing the thought and ignoring the voluminous historical evidence against that ever happening, then asked him to do me a favor next time he goes to Wrigley Field. I requested he not sing “Go Cubs Go,” the communal fight song, after any early-season victories.

“I think we have to cherish all the good moments,” Blago argued.

My first guess is that it took his* intern that long to look up the proper spelling, and meaning, of “voluminous” and that is why he* is writing about this almost a month after the fact.

My second guess would be that he* wanted to see how the Cubs actually were doing before allowing his* dire predictions to see the light of day. Or, at least peek out of the bunker. My second guess seems closer.

Of course, what he* really needed is other writers to have done all the actual interviewing and thinking for him* so that he* can ape their work. Sun Times writer, GORDON WITTENMYER, took a long look at the racism that is endemic at Wrigley. His article was thoughtful, timely and written as well as it was researched. It was also, only mildly, reworked to create this paragraph.

What possibly might Bradley do at Wrigley, where fans are known to overimbibe, throw baseballs and trash on the field and even fire the n-word at people they don’t like? Former Cubs skipper Dusty Baker, now with the Reds, used to mention his racially spiced hate mail. LaTroy Hawkins and Jacque Jones are among ex-Cub players who dealt with vicious personal attacks. Bradley claims he’s ready for anything—and, so far, fans have showered him with warm ovations—but as sure as superfan Ronnie (Woo Woo) Wickers is wandering around Wrigleyville in his head-to-toe Cubs uniform, Moody Milton will blow at some point.

Yes, Milton has already blown, but that knowledge would require actually having watched a game here or there. So, clearly it is beyond him*.

What kills me about today’s tripe, besides the fact that some idiot published it, is how completely irrelevant it is. The non-story happened a month ago. There is no actual journalism to be found anywhere in the article* (other than that cobbled from others) and the first person narrative about Blago, which might have been the only interesting thing about this, is gone before the third paragraph. After that it is just the same tired swipes at The Tribune, Cubs fans and so on.

Well, we read this crap so you don’t have too.

CLICK HERE TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.

Back in September I picked the Bulls to make the playoffs. People, who informed me that they were MUCH smarter than me, were kind enough to put their money where their mouths are. I will be picking up my two free cases of properly chilled beer this weekend and enjoying every succulent drop.

Not all at once, I have a liver to maintain you know.

**to the tune of “Yesterday” by The Beatles
Yesterday, all my brewskies seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay
Oh, I believe in beer today.

Also back in the fall, wiser minds than mine informed me that The Blackhawks were going to be better this year but not make the playoffs until 2010. I have already had the free beers I earned for disagreeing with those folks, but I want to assure you that the precious memory of free beer will linger for quite some time.

**to the tune of “U Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer
It feels so good when you know you’re down
A super-dope hockey fan from cold Chi-Town
And I am known as such
a hockey fan that you can’t touch

Uh huh, can’t touch this!

Yes, the Hawks and the Bulls both lost yesterday. I read the papers too. But, the facts are simple, both of these teams are on the way up and both are farther along this year than anyone could have reasonably predicted.

Does that mean I will be satisfied if they are one and done? Not at all. It just means that I am enjoying these playoffs a little bit more than most. Of course, the free beer helps.

However, listening to some call in shows and trolling a few blogs would have lead me to believe that both teams are doomed, coached by morons and should forfeit the remaining games to prevent further embarrassment.

I love my sports teams but my personal self worth does not ride on their performances. Nevertheless, for those who it does, I offer this;

**to the tune “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zepplin
There’s a ledge that is old
all covered with mold,
so why don’t you step back and quit all your whi-ning?

We have a soccer team that is currently unbeaten, both baseball teams are either tied for, or in, first place and there are meaningful playoff games for basketball and hockey happening right freaking now. If this is the kind of sports action that causes you to suffer from depression, you need a new life. Or, at the very least, a new perspective on the one you got.

**“Let the Sunshine In” from Hair
Let the sunshine
Let the sun shine in
the sun - shine in.

You can do it.

Now, let’s see the print publications try a column like this.

CLICK HERE TO SING ALONG!

I did something incredibly stupid and embarrassing this weekend. The kind of “stupid and embarrassing” that gets you laughed at by medical professionals. They say you’re never too old to learn. In my case, that may be the only positive I will be able to take out of this.

But enough about me, let’s take a look back at Chicago sports this weekend.

First off, just FYI, the last time the Bulls and the Blackhawks won a playoff game on the same day was back in 1992. And that was when both teams played both games in the old Madhouse on Madison. Simply put, it has been a while.

Tonight, both teams try and repeat this seldom accomplished feat. And, for the first time since I can remember, no one is laughing at the prospect. Vegas has the Celtics as 8 point favorites and the Hawks going down by, at least, one. That would be the same people who had the Celtics sweeping in 4 and the Hawks going out in 5. Since both those propositions are off the table, I hope no one minds if I cheer for our hometown teams.

I didn’t think so.

The White Sox are 4-2 on their current road trip which featured their first back to back wins on plastic grass since 2007. I have no idea what that means in the grand scheme of things. After all, 2007 wasn’t exactly a record setting season for the Good Guys in Black, unless you think the “number of empty seats” statistic is worth keeping. On the other hand, wins in tough parks early in the year can help set the tone for the season. I guess we’ll all just have to stay tuned and see what happens.

The Cubs have managed to post a wining record despite having Neal Cotts on their roster and what is the big story for them? Milton Bradley acting like a self absorbed tool. As Tyrone noted yesterday, by challenging his two day suspension (which would have occurred while he was out anyway) he has now set up the team to lose him for an even longer period of time.

His appeal will be heard by Bob Watson. The same Bob Watson who, on April 7, 2009, was asked if he thought Milton would blow his cool again.

‘No, I would be surprised if that happened,’’ said Watson. ‘’I understand people around the league might say things [about Bradley], but he’s under control.

‘But what’s happened is he’s a little older, and he’s matured,’’ Watson said. ‘’I want to say hopefully the anger-management classes are kicking in. Plus the other thing is he’s a lot more financially set. And the Boys and Girls Club might take a hit because he doesn’t get fined so much.’’

Or not.

Since I feel like ending this on a positive note, I am going to defer to K. C. JOHNSON (Tribune) for a look at a player who is beginning to epitomize the idealized Chicago athlete.

Less than 24 hours after tying a 39-year-old NBA playoff record, Derrick Rose walked down Boylston Street alone and completely unrecognized.

The Bulls’ practice Sunday afternoon at a local college had ended, the team hotel stood a half-block away and Rose strolled in the sunshine, basking in his anonymity.

It’s the way the rookie likes it, which is why, after taking a congratulatory call from his mother Saturday night, he turned his phone to silent, shut the door to his room and watched three movies in solitude.

No “SportsCenter” for Rose, even though the show led with him tying Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s record by scoring 36 points in his rookie playoff debut.

I don’t think you can get more “Joe Lunch-bucket” than that. He’s too young to get a six pack. So, we cheer our heroes, jeer our fools and prepare for another exciting week of Chicago sports.

CLICK HERE TO CHEER AND JEER ALONG WITH US!

Captain, Road Prison 36: What we’ve got here is… failure to communicate. Some men you just can’t reach. So you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it… well, he gets it. I don’t like it any more than you men.

Despite their glaring bullpen deficiencies, the Chicago Cubs are 7-4 and sitting a top the NL Central Division.

Many here already are well aware (and nauseated) by more than a few comments by yours truly directed towards the Northsiders. No, the taste of bile has not yet been extinguished from last season’s 0-3 debacle against the Dodgers. That might take 100 years or so. Or an appearance in the World Series. Whichever comes first. Just to be safe, I’ll continue to diet and exercise.

The Cubs are probably not as bad as prognosticated by this Republican loving seemingly anti-social angry lout. However, it is doubtful that they are as terrific as their zombie-like nation of fanatics presume. Subtracting Wood and De Rosa from the squad still appears unwise.  A long season will judge that assessment in due time.

Truthfully, the quality of this team is somewhere in the middle of the very worst and best of expectations. Last season’s team was full of hope and excitement before derailing itself in the postseason. This year’s team seems skittish, especially every time Lou Piniella hands Neal Cotts the baseball.

And then there is already the Milton Bradley factor.

Perhaps there has been no other free agent arriving to Chicago that has created more divisive thread dialogue here at Jay the Joke than the legendary board game company’s namesake. At his very best, Milton Bradley is an above average fielder with terrific plate presence. However too often in his career, the fiery competitor has been an oft-injured whiner with a self-destructive tendency to tee off against umpires and broadcasters.

A few days ago, Milton Bradley made his Wrigley Field debut memorable. Called upon to pinch hit during a critical junction of the baseball game, Bradley was called out on a very suspect strike call. A balls and strike argument ensued which lead to his automatic ejection.

End of story?

Not quite. Home plate umpire Larry Vanover claimed that Bradley made physical contact during their exchange. An incident report was filed to the league office and Bradley was suspended for 2 games.

Finally, end of story?

Nope. Despite being injured and not available to offer his very best services to the Cubs and defying all common sense, Milton Bradley is appealing this suspension with the coddling support of Jim Hendry and Lou Piniella. This is not for the betterment of the Cubs. At the most, this suspension will be reduced by one game which would be served when Bradley is fully healed. Divisions can be won and lost by 1 game. This is all about the pride and ego of a jilted ballplayer who has always believed that authority figures in MLB conspire against him.

I can not help but recall Bradley’s press conference following his free agent signing. He spoke impressively about his passion to compete and win. He discussed the importance of placing the needs of the team above all else. And perhaps most significant of all was his admittance that he has made bad decisions in the past and a false premise that he was the victim in previous confrontations.

He said all the right things at the time. And was rewarded a $30 million contract.

What happened to that guy?

Milton Bradley is well past being just another immature young player learning the ongoing of playing professional baseball. He is a veteran and knows the deal. You win some battles and lose others. Yes, we all more or less recognize that pitch was a ball and not a strike. But he chose to engage the matter further at the complete expense of the Cubs and look at the ensuing aftermath. It is not worth it. This is not a battle worth waging against MLB.

The ultimate goal should be winning the war. And that is finally making an appearance in the World Series.

Hey Milton, if you really want to show up the man, then take this team on your shoulders and lead it to the promised land.

Otherwise you are just another blowhard punk.

And since it is generally accepted that Milton Bradley marches to his own drum and doesn’t listen to anyone anyway, perhaps he will revisit the above video. It is time for Bradley to live up to those spoken words. Be a man and step up. Because that is something this team sorely needs to clear the next hurdle.

Drop the appeal. Get healthy. Move on. And above all else, just win.

Milton, the choice is yours.