“You know, this is all very wrong.”

“I know.”

“There’s the age thing.”

“True. When you get to be my age I’ll be eating meat through a straw and wearing a diaper.’

“You’re not that much …. Ewwww, yuck.”

“Yeah.”

“And there’s the race thing.”

“Not as big a deal as it used to be, but coupled with the age difference we’re a head snapping couple. And not in a good way.”

“Then there’s the mom thing.”

“Hey, that’s not on me. I left with my head held high and my leg swollen like a parade balloon. You called me, remember?”

“Yeah. Sorry about the leg.”

“It healed but no more harnesses, okay?”

“Okay.  …. So why do we do it?”

(pause) “When was the last time you howled with laughter and joy in the middle of sex?”

“Oh, yeah, …. Wow … thanks for that.”

“You’re most welcome. I assure you that it was my pleasure.”

“Still …”

“I know. Do you want me to leave?”

“You idiot, this is your apartment!”

“Oh, yeah, I forgot.”

(snuggle) “You make a good pillow.”

“You make an excellent blanket.”

“Happy Valentine’s Day Big Guy.”

“Back atcha.”

As you can easily see, logic and reason have gone for a distant walk and may never return. We both know there is absolutely no upside to this arrangement for her and no downside for me. I should be the adult here and end it but there’s this part of my brain that keeps reminding me YOU’RE A FREAKING IDIOT! SHE’S WILLING TO GET NAKED, DOESN’T REQUIRE A CREDIT CARD OR CASH UP FRONT AND SHE’S SMOKING HOT!!!

Yeah, there’s that.

So, in honor of that, let’s look at two more doomed relationships.

When the Cubs signed Soriano there was only one sports columnist in town who was demanding that the Cubs spend nutty money to prove they belonged with the big boys. That was Jay Mariotti. That fact alone shows you what a bad idea this was.

Soriano was a massive defensive liability in his prime. Plus he was a free swinging prima donna who demanded to lead off even though he had none of the usual skills of a leadoff hitter.

The Cubs not only gave Soriano a busload of money, they put enough years on the contract to guarantee his grandchildren would retire as Cubs.

Realistically, the Cubs had about two years to win the whole thing before Soriano became more of a liability than an asset. He was, and is, a horror with runners in scoring position, at one point hitting around .125 in that situation, and he was a .220 hitter in playoff situations. Not that he faced many of those, but there you go.

Well, those two years came and went and now the Cubs have a left fielder that no one wants. Not even them.

Before you get your Northside knickers in a twist, the Sox are no better. For one brief shining moment in 2010 Ozzie had the team he wanted with the players he needed all healthy. That team went 25-5. Then injuries piled up and Kenny Williams began imposing his vision of baseball, an antiquated and wrong one, on the team.

So the team got Manny Ramirez. A twice convicted steroid abuser with fading skills. In the off season Ozzie and others begged for speed and an arm. K-Dub went and signed Adam Dunn. Exactly the kind of player Ozzie hates.

This is not to rip on Dunn. When signed he was one of the best hitters in baseball. But the fact is that he’s slow and one dimensional. Ozzie, and everyone not named Kenny Williams, would happily sacrifice some power for flexibility and speed.

The fact that Dunn missed setting a record in futility in 2011 by 6 at bats is due solely to Ozzie taking pity on the guy and benching him. I have no idea what went wrong last year but it stopped being funny in May and was actually tragic by July.

But with his monstrous contract and no way to replace him without shorting the field, the Sox were doomed. And, even if he does hit this year, does anyone realistically believe he can get this team a division title?

The two things that win championships, pitching and defense, never appear in the DH spot.

Oh, and to answer the obvious question, she’s reading this over my shoulder.

CLICK HERE TO HAVE A HAPPY VALNETINE’S DAY

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