In Which Jay Reaches a New Low

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Jay’s ability to turn a positive into a negative never ceases to amaze me.

In his 2,335th installment of his non-award-winning series “Did you know the Cubs haven’t won a World Series Since 1908 and may be cursed?!” Jay decides to lead with ripping the Cubs new manager for… loving his kids.

He takes an innocent comment from Lou Piniella about his kids being excited to go to Wrigley Field and asks:

“Um, is this the new manager of a team that hasn’t won a World Series since 1908? Or a guy who wants four box seats behind home plate for the Cardinals series, followed by a trip to Shedd Aquarium and Pizzeria Uno?”

If we know anything about Lou Piniella, I have a hard time believing he’s coming to Wrigley as some starry-eyed tourist.

Jay then makes some slightly more legitimate comments about the verbal miscues from the press conference (old news, by the way) such as saying the White Sox were on the North Side and calling it “The Michigan Mile.” I kind of stopped reading after that as he launched into his go-to rant about the Cubs’ futility.

Funny how it took Jay all of one press conference to turn on his “number one” choice for Cubs manager. I wonder if that’s a new record for him.  I’d say that it is, but somehow I suspect he’s been quicker with the backstabbing once or twice.  I’ll have to look into it.

Jay even manages to work in a snide comment about Juan Uribe’s legal woes.  Funny how a man can make a huge production out of Ricky Manning Jr. shoving someone at Denny’s, then turn around and make an off-the-cuff joke about a shooting.  I guess athletes with legal issues are only funny at Jay’s convenience.

Frankly, I’m surprised he didn’t find a way to work in a joke about Derrek Lee’s daughter being sick.


Big Star's avatar  

Then came his series of oopsies, the make-us-wince moments when Piniella said the White Sox won their World Series ‘’on the North Side,’’ referred to the Magnificent Mile as ‘’the Michigan Mile,’’ talked about improving on-base percentage by getting ‘’eight midgets up there to walk’’ and, in the strangest gaffe, dismissed that the Cubs are cursed by ‘’the horse on the North Side.’’

Miscellaneous Cubs trivia should not be a concern to Lou Piniella.

Working with Jim Hendry to find the horses to win on the field should be the priority.

Does anyone else but Mariotti care about this type of inconsequential bullshit (Magnificient Mile, the goat, etc.)?

Big Star  on  10/19  at  10:35 AM
Big Star's avatar  

And name the last straight man that ever wrote oopsies?

Big Star  on  10/19  at  10:35 AM
Big Star's avatar  

other than me.

Big Star  on  10/19  at  10:44 AM
BigBadBill's avatar  

I once used the word “oopsie” in a sentence. However, it involved a nephew, a church and a dirty diaper.

And, again, money solves all problems with the Cubs. That 100 mil they tossed out last year was a pittance in his world. But, at least, he finally noted that Sr. Ramirez is not the swiftest of foot when attempting to end up on first. Who knows, next year he may actually see a complete game.

I am not taking odds on that, but it is within the realm of possibilities. As is my being a jockey at Churchill Downs in 2007.

BigBadBill  on  10/19  at  10:48 AM
Hino's avatar  

Good work again Pat. Tyrone, I just laughed out loud at the oopsies post.

Another question, Where was the columnist during the press conference introducing Lou? If he was there, which I doubt that he was, why did he not correct his number one choice on the spot for his “oopsies”? Oh that would have been confrontational. We all know that the columnist is afraid of confrontation. That is why he does his ripping from afar and never faces players/coaches/owners in person. If he did that he could be held instantly accountable.

But, if he did ever go in person, as a responsible journalist would be expected to do, he might actually get a quote correct. Then what would we have to do?

Hino  on  10/19  at  10:50 AM
Big Star's avatar  

This YouTube video is classic.

I posted it last night on the other thread but don’t know if you guys saw it or not.

I emailed the URL to Pat as well.



Eerily, it is titled Gay Mariotti

What do you think?

Big Star  on  10/19  at  10:53 AM
hitman74's avatar  

C’mon guys, we all know Jay watched the press conference on TV!

That’s because, according to Jay, sports columnists have different standards than reporters.

For a decent column today, read Mike Downey.

hitman74  on  10/19  at  10:58 AM
Bernie Lincicome's avatar  

Jay wisely takes on Sweet Lou being Chicago landmark challenged. As we saw in his Tuesday “ I hate The Bears” column, Jay has a great grasp of what things are like in Arizona what with all the old west cowboys and ghost towns he encountered on his way to the Stadium. Note to Jay, we have paved roads in Phoenix. But even though you don’t know what the fuck your talking about, that doesn’t stop you from having the highest expectations of Lou.
Today’s highlights:
“First of all, forget the Alex Rodriguez pipe dream.”
Thanks Jay. You have said it, so it must be law. Does anyone remember Jay taking an entire day to rant against the sure to be subway series in N.Y.? He was on top of his game that day huh?
“which he wisely won’t waive to avoid being called a wimp who couldn’t handle the New York monster”
As a wimp I am offended by this comment. Jay needs sensitivity training.
“but A-Rod isn’t fond of Ozzie Guillen after the Blizzard of Oz ripped him in Sports Illustrated last winter.”
Jay knows this because he is a noted A-Rod confidant.  Just because jay can’t handle Ozzie poking fun at him, he’s going to lop A-Rod into the same group.
“Besides, the Yankees owe him a mere $66.6 million for the final four years of his insane deal”
So this would stop them from dealing him? Since when do the Yankees care if they have a contract in their favor?
“So, as Bryant Gumbel would say, let’s move on. “
Token African American reference.
The rest of the drivel focuses on the sure to be Pinella meltdowns. You know Jay can’t wait for the first one. His shtick only plays when things go bad.
And how much is the Sun Times paying for getting this story a full day after the press conference?

Bernie Lincicome  on  10/19  at  11:05 AM

I am amazed that he didn’t work the whole Ozzie Guillen thing into it such as, “I wonder if Lou will call me names”, or something like that. Well Jay, I am sure he will once he figures out you’re a tool.

Rod  on  10/19  at  11:06 AM
Big Star's avatar  

Okayyyyyyyy. When interim CEO John McDonough says he wants his new manager to ‘’get it,’’ as in grasping Cubs culture and all things Chicago, might it be nice if Piniella bought a street map and read a few articles about Cubdom?

This is the early work of douchebag to set in motion for future rips on Lou Piniella being and outdated old fool that should retire from baseball.

It will also serve as a precursor to the inevitable “Mariotti flip” that the younger Girardi was the way to go all alone.

And of course, Mariotti will then rip Jim Hendry and the Chicago Tribune for hiring Lou Piniella.

Mariotti’s bullshit writes itself.

Such as one on that creepily shows more proof of a curse: On the night a certain ball skipped through the wickets of Bill Buckner, the ex-Cub was wearing a batting glove with a Cubs logo under his first baseman’s mitt.

Does anyone here give a shit?

That should interest anyone who dares to inherit the worst job in sports.

Would anyone dispute that the ABSOLUTE worst job in sports has to be Jay Mariotti’s intern?

Big Star  on  10/19  at  11:13 AM

Also, if you want to know what Jay will write next, just read Chris De Luca. It seems that when Chris reveals an opinion, such as forget A-Rod, Jay amazingly makes it his own opinion the next time he writes a column, and uses exactly the same reason(s) as De Luca. The last time this happened was last week when De Luca said, before anyone else, that Piniella was Hendry’s man and would be announced before the Series. Two days later, Jay says the same thing. My guess is the reason Jay is getting scooped by his...well I would say colleague but I think that would be considered an insult to De Luca… fellow Sun Times employee is that maybe De Luca attends sporting events and press conferences. Maybe he actually has sources and insight instead of getting all of his ‘news’ from the papers and ESPN.

Rod  on  10/19  at  11:15 AM
Big Star's avatar  

But finally, mercifully, we did catch a whiff of the real Lou Piniella, the crusty and fiery Lou Piniella, the Lou Piniella who is so obsessed with winning that his personality quickly can morph—warning: ‘70s reference ahead—from Bill Bixby to the Incredible Hulk.

Mariotti really loves utilizing those - - - into his bullshit writing “style”. And as readers, we all really appreciate run on sentences that last a couple hundred words or so.

He writes “Lou Piniella” three times in one sentence for no added benefit to anyone actually reading this shit.

The Bixby to Hulk analogy? Are we all rolling on the ground with laughter over Mariotti’s wit? Or are we just laughting at Mariotti himself?

His TiVo must have accidentally recorded an Incredible Hulk rerun or Mariotti must have discovered some retro cable channel airing old shows.

Either way, Mariotti is way too pre-occupied with television reruns rather than actually attend the sporting events that he supposedly covers.

‘Nuff said.

‘’Urgency is important,’’ said Piniella, getting to the 98-year point. ‘’We’re going to win here, and that’s the end of the story.’’

As ripped from Mariotti’s TiVo recorded coverage of the press conference while he was too busy watching the Incredible Hulk.

Big Star  on  10/19  at  11:26 AM
From the Other Side of Town's avatar  

Great like Gay
I’m becoming afflicted the way Gay Jay (the happy-go-lucky type, not the MANBLA type) is afflicted in going about his job.  More specifically, like Gay, I don’t want to take the time to actually read his column to come up with something to rip him about.  I don’t want to turn the pages of the newspaper or click the browser, I don’t want to slog through every word (I think I speak for Chicago in saying that most people stopped reading after the third paragraph) , I don’t even want to get off of the couch.  And I’m not afraid of sportswriters, I just don’t feel like riding the elevator down to street level to talk to them. 

I’m just content to read a few lines from other posters and then steal a few from them, inject a little deep-seated regurgitated animosity, and then bang on the keyboard until I’m bored.  I mean, there’s not much point in putting in the effort if the outcome is about the same; Jay writes crap and I take another jab at Jay (critical or humorous) and add one more thing for his supporters/admirers to wade through, to parse for their impending lawsuit/legal maneuver, just another example of the grand conspiracy to smear/slur/impugn him.

Maybe I’ll just wait, like Gay, until several days after he writes a column to apply a formulaic approach to ripping him.  If Gay isn’t timely, then dammit, why should I have to be? 

And one more thing, if I got paid to rip him, don’t think I would put in more effort.  Like the Great Mary Otti, I would use such compensation as proof that I already put in too much and should probably do less.

From the Other Side of Town  on  10/19  at  11:51 AM


Long time, first time.  Keep fighting the good fight.

It’s a simple case of “methinks he doth protest too much”.  See, Jay is as familiar with Chicago as a Serengetti Bushman.  He rarely ventures outside of his cocoon, and thus resorts to painting Chicagoans with the broadest brush possible, resorting to tired, ham-handed SNL-skit caricatures that someone who had never been to the city can do just as easily.  Such is the case when you spend 15 years in one spot, and are to afraid to venture outside to truly understand the city for whom you write (or, in Jay’s case, from whence you can use as a springboard for national attention).  Jay has as much feel for the vibe of this town as someone sitting in his recliner in Santa Fe, Mexico, thumbing through a Chicago Magazine.

So when a new guy makes a geographic error that Jay recognizes--even if it is something that a true local recognizes as benign and hardly cause for consternation-- it’s all Jay can do to keep from wetting himself with hysteria, jumping up and down like Tom Cruise on Oprah’s couch. It’s cute--he sometimes actually thinks he is one of us.

Every time Moronotti dares speak for Chicago, Mike Royko’s grave spins fast enough to provide enough electricity for all of Cook County.  He is a true civic embarassment.

Mike  on  10/19  at  11:55 AM
Hino's avatar  

I think today was the first coulumn in a while thit did not have a hair reference. Did I miss something?

Hino  on  10/19  at  12:22 PM
Hino's avatar  

Ooh, poor spelling on my part in that last one.

Hino  on  10/19  at  12:24 PM
Cubs2578's avatar  

so here we are, little man’s 50th column about how much of a joke the cubs are.

and this one is just as inciteful.

the hypocrisy is the best part- didn’t all-knowing little man proclaim piniella to be the brave choice, and the necessary move by the cubs if they wanted to prove (to little man) that the cubs “want to win”?

here we sit less than a week later and little man’s aleady got lou in his gun sight (aimed from his home in the burbs, little man would NEVER confront another man, let alone an angry lou, in person) squarely on lou’s temple.

jay- i know you’re reading this (with your massive ego, how could you NOT?). you’re a joke. your columns are garbage.

and due to your terrible “work” the comments on this board write themselves.

Cubs2578  on  10/19  at  12:25 PM

"Alfonso Soriano and his 40-40-40 mojo should be the highest priority, though good luck trying to talk him into playing center field.”

Is he implying that he talked to Soriano about where he prefers to play?  Obviously this is just another ‘I know more than you’ statement.  Although what this idiot doesn’t remember is that Soriano didn’t want to go to the Nationals last year b/c he didn’t want to play left field, oh wait a second, he played for the Nationals last year and played left.

Erik  on  10/19  at  12:58 PM
Big Star's avatar  

Because if he is to maximize his managerial gamble and not leave in failure like Dusty Baker, Lou must emphasize the U-word to Jim Hendry and his bosses every day.

The U-word. How hip of Mariotti.

Simply trotting out a big name in front of the cameras isn’t going to restore faith in how the Tribune Co. runs its woeful baseball club.

Wasn’t Mariotti all about the Cubs hiring a big name manager to prove to the fans that team did want to win?

So what happens? The Cubs hire Lou Piniella, Mariotti’s so called “choice”.

And now that is not good enough for the douchebag.

I guess you skipped that journalism class on being “fair” and “balanced” at Ohio University.

Is that why Notre Dame rejected your student application, Mariotti? Too many skipped classes on your high school record? Too much lost class time as a result of all of those proctology and mental therapy appointments?

Pure Geno, he is still probably trying to pay off all those damn medical bills of yours. And you never forgave Notre Dame for denying your college app, did you? Is that also Charlie Weis’ fault?

Piniella needs players, and now that the news conference is over and the offseason officially is upon Cubdom, it’s time to outline what must happen to prevent Sweet Lou from becoming Sour Lou.

Why doesn’t the Sun-Times editor wake Mariotti up when he writes this stupid homo-erotic crap? Seriously, somebody tell Mariotti that Sweet Lou is a baseball reference to his playing day talents.

His usage of sweet and sour Lou in terms of the man’s spunk is just inappropriate and rude.

For Christ’s sake Mariotti, children might be reading your column. Show some self-control over those “man lust” instincts of yours.

And for Mariotti to slur all of us as Internet creatures and then force feed us his homo-erotic agenda is in itself, an act of hatred and abusive of the First Amendment.

I know this as fact after the enlightenment of our government’s proposed legislation against Internet hatred kindly provided by Mr. David Peterson. What a fascinating read.

And being the all knowing self-important attorney and righteous defender of civil rights, I’m sure Robert Bonner would back this up as well.

After all, all of us slurred Internet creatures have constitutionally protected rights as well, even if we seem intolerable to better specimens of human beings such as Mariotti and his minions.

Big Star  on  10/19  at  02:10 PM
FredSox49's avatar  

Despite all of his shortcomings, we might at least be able to let up on The Joke if he would every so often come up with some type of keen insight or clever satire, a la Maureen Dowd.  Alas, he is incapable of either, so it’s just the same old crap.  He gets what he deserves.  I don’t know how he can open up his paycheck without wetting his pants from sheer guilt.

FredSox49  on  10/19  at  03:23 PM
BigBadBill's avatar  

We need a consistent nickname for the little troll. And, while Mary Otti and Merry Oddity and Tinky all work for me, there seems to be a good one hanging out in the wings and we just haven’t nailed it. Maybe Pat can ask Neil Steinberg. He has a wicked sense of humor and is no fan of the Divine Mr. M.

BigBadBill  on  10/19  at  03:34 PM
Big Star's avatar  

First of all, forget the Alex Rodriguez pipe dream.

Is it really necessary to ask why Mariotti writes a sentence with the words Alex Rodriguez, pipe and dream?

Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Do us all a favor and ignore the rambling speculation about A-WOL heading to the Cubs or White Sox, presumably to replace Juan (Stay the Hell Away From My Jeep) Uribe.

It was already mentioned earlier. Mariotti goes nuts about the Ricky Manning situation but “makes funny” regarding the more serious Uribe allegations.

Weirdly inconsistent morals at play here. I guess Mariotti is more sensitive about out-of-place snot nose computer geeks. Wonder why?

As Rodriguez, his agent and the Yankees have said, he isn’t going anywhere.

The Boss of the Yankees can do whatever he wants, including shipping out A-Rod.

And even if George Steinbrenner wanted to ship him away, K-Rod has a no-trade clause, which he wisely won’t waive to avoid being called a wimp who couldn’t handle the New York monster—not something that looks good on a Hall of Fame plaque.

More of - - this - - crap?

This sentence is so rich in irony. Mariotti accuses a world class athlete of being a “wimp” should he leave New York, however the douchebag refuses to face the music in the White Sox club house and was hysterical when Guillen called him a fag.

Just curious, but why was Mariotti so offended by this term? If he is tolerant of homosexuals, than why is the term so offensive to him, especially if it allegedly is incorrect? Does this suggest that Mariotti is a homophobe? Or is he afraid of being outed?

And can we all not agree that the odds of Alex Rodriquez becoming enshrined in Cooperstown as a baseball player are much higher than Mariotti receiving this honor as a sports “writer”?

Better to have a plaque than no plaque, you fucking douchebag. And you better hope that the Hall of Fame opens a new wing to enshrine lazy fat ass armchair prima donna sports writer wannabes.

Were he on the market, the Cubs would have to include Carlos Zambrano, making the trade counterproductive.

How the hell would Mariotti really know Zambrano would be a “must” in the deal. Did Big George confide this secret to Mariotti while the two spooned in bed? Or was this just a wet dream sequence imagined by Mariotti?

The Sox have more pitching to relinquish, but A-Rod isn’t fond of Ozzie Guillen after the Blizzard of Oz ripped him in Sports Illustrated last winter.

The column is supposed to focus on Lou Piniella and the Chicago Cubs.

Now Mariotti switches gears (because he needs filler to reach his word quota) to rip Ozzie Guillen.

Mariotti writes with same level of focussed concentration as a little kid with ADHD.

The douchebag needs Ritalin.

Besides, the Yankees owe him a mere $66.6 million for the final four years of his insane deal, something of a bargain for a highly productive slugger still capable of challenging all-time records.

This is frightening shit indeed. Mariotti is now arguing against a hypothetical point that he brought up himself in his own column.

And actually, regarding the contract, many baseball experts are going on record that A-Rod’s deal is not so extraordinary by today’s current baseball salary structure.


Big Star  on  10/19  at  03:52 PM
Toko's avatar  

Have any of you “douchebags” checked out the youtube video- no one commented about it. It’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen and you’re all missing out.
Go up and check Tyrone’s post.

Toko  on  10/19  at  04:16 PM
BigBadBill's avatar  

Sorry, I humbly admit to my douchebagness. That video was one the funniest fucking things I have seen. I have been too busy forwarding it to friends with a link back here to post. So, Tyrone, please accept my apologies.

And keep up the great blogs.

BigBadBill  on  10/19  at  04:26 PM
Toko's avatar  

If Matt and Pat have any balls they would post that as a thread. They didn’t create it, some member of the Internet Creatures Association (ICA) did-
Still, this video has to go down as a classic.

Toko  on  10/19  at  04:33 PM
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