Well, guys, I guess this is it. Tonight is my final performance at a University of Illinois sporting event.  I’ve been busting my freakin’ hump for over eighty years for this school and then they decide to just up and get rid of me.  I guess slaughtering my people and stealing our land wasn’t enough for you. 

Before I hand over my loincloth, there are a few things I’d like to say. 

First, I’d like to thank the students and alumni who have supported me for so many years.  My teepee doesn’t always protect me from the harsh winds rolling through these beautiful plains, but your kindness has left me feeling warm as I snuggle into my deerskin sleeping bag each night.

Secondly, I’d like to thank all the student-athletes I have encountered during the past eight decades.  Nothing makes my feathers flutter like serving as a role model to the many young people that have come through this athletic program.  I am just one man, and while I may not be a perfect role model (I told Jamar not to drive home – we were totally messed up!), I always try my best. 

Finally, I would like to officially offer to NOT smoke my peace pipe with all the whiny, politically correct pansies who cost an honest man his job..  Do you know how hard it is for an Indian to find a job in this town?  Yeah, yeah, I know, I can work at a casino, but I’m not very good at math.  I am a dancer by nature, so my job prospects look bleak.  Supposedly Chief Wheatgrass knows Justin Timberlake’s manager, but I doubt anything will come of it.  So, yeah, thanks for looking out for me.

But no matter how tragically things have ended, I will always cherish you, dear friends.  I’ll look back upon this time fondly, and I hope to see all of you at my final performance tonight.

Sincerely,
Chieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeef