So, like, does anyone know what’s, like, happening in Chicago Sports?  I feel, like, totally clueless ever since the most awesomest sports writer ever, Jay Mariotti, took his vacation. 

I mean, I guess I know that the Bulls didn’t trade for that, like, European guy.  Hello!  That might come back to bite them!

And every idiot knows that the Bears should have signed Lovie to, like, an extension by now.  I mean, that was news a week ago! 

And like, there’s, like, hockey.  Yeah, totally hockey.

Wait, what are you saying to me?  Are you saying to me that Jay Mariotti is back today?  Oh, my God!  I’m, like, totally flipping out!  I can’t wait to see what he has to say!

Okay, let’s see here.  This column is totally about how the Bears need to sign Lovie to an extension.  Radical!  I was, like, just talking about that!  Oh, my God!  Check this out:

I don’t want to describe the Bears as the Britney Spears of the 2007 sports year, but they’re perfectly capable of blowing all their credibility and couth with dizbrain thinking.

He, like, totally just dissed Brit!  Oh my God, Jay vs. Brit is totally the new Paris vs. Nicole!  That’s awesome!  I’m totally on Team Jay!  But I have to ask… What is a “dizbrain?” Is that, like, some sort of awesome new word?  It’s not in that, um, big, um, dictionary.  This is what I love about Jay!  He, like, totally has a smart person’s job, but totally writes just like me!

No way!  Did you guys see that Jay called Ted Phillips “Tightwad Ted?” That is like, the most hilariously awesome nickname ever!  What is that thing?  You know, that, like thing where words sound alike?  Alliterization?  Yeah, Jay just like totally alliterizizied.

At a time when stable leadership is critical to mending wounds and keeping eyeballs on another NFC title, they are proving to be cheap, petty, shortsighted and all those nasty things we’ve always said about the McCaskeys

Oh, my God.  You should totally have heard all the petty things Jay said about the McCaskeys at our slumber party.  He was on fire!  He told us about the time he slapped Michael McCaskey and made him cry.  He totally made fun of Virginia McCaskey’s perm, and he used to totally rip Ed McCaskey, before he died or whatever.  Jay is, like, very good at the insults.

Hate to break the news, but five of the last six Super Bowl losers didn’t make the playoffs.

Oh no he didn’t!  Jay just, like, totally broke it to us.  He, like, broke it down.  Seriously.  So.  Awesome.

This column is, like, everything I love about Jay!  I’m so glad he’s back.  He doesn’t try to be too deep and he uses language that, like, normal people like me use.  So awesome.