In Which Jay Must Make a Tough Decision

“Teams do not recover from embarrassments like the one dished by Peterson, the human Hummer, who pounded and thrashed through the Bears to the beat of his nickname-chanting mates—``All Day! All Day!’’—for the third-highest all-purpose yardage bonanza in league history. No, the Bears need to go home, reboot the machine and start over.” - Jay Mariotti

I watched the ultimate action movie Die Hard for the umpteen millionth time a few nights ago. A highlight dramatic scene is the LAPD SWAT armored vehicle stopped in its tracks by a rocket launcher. Subsequently, the RV is immediately demobilized, on fire along with its pleading helpless operatives, only to be catastrophically destroyed upon the whim of bad guy Hans Gruber instructing his thugs, “Hit it again.”

Jay Mariotti must be channeling Hans lately with regurgitating yesterday’s feigned disgust over the Bears loss to the Minnesota Vikings.  And in typical panic mode, Mariotti has singlehandedly determined that after 6 games, this team needs to also be on the receiving end of a rocket launcher and be destroyed as well. Jay is now huffing and puffing for Halas Hall to begin a rebuilding phase while suggesting that the job futures of head coach Lovie Smith and general manager Jerry Angelo are in peril.

Wow Jay, why not just go the full one hundred yards and demand Roger Goodell to contract the Bears from the NFL and award a new expansion team to the City of Broad Shoulders?

One suspects that the pundit is a little overly bitchy anxious these days because Halloween is rapidly approaching. Undoubtedly, the Sun-Times will be throwing a staff party to honor the occasion and Jay is itching for a costume representative of his own favorite movie which of course is the time honored classic, “The Wizard of Oz”. The decision to emulate a particular character is a very daunting task. Maybe Jay the Joke can assist with the selection process.

Let’s start with the Scarecrow. Yes, this fellow was indeed sincere enough but a little too forthright in honesty for our loathed columnist to maintain character during the course of an entire evening. And besides, for nearly the entire movie, the messy unkempt straw man required a brain. Undoubtedly this deficiency would only cause Mariotti anguish and paralyzing self-doubt that he might only be intellectually on par with the rest of his “house reporting” partying colleagues. A big component to Jay’s inner mentality is the assurance that he is always in the right with utmost superiority while the entire world is nothing more than mindless bumbling dolts.

However, there is indeed a rather feverish kinship with the Tin Man. No different than the rusty jointed chap, both share a deficiency of a healthy, fully functional heart. At least the metallic clad Oz character was seemingly inflicted with a gross congenital anomaly where as Jay’s cardiac challenges are self-induced after years of gross dietary indulgence, accompanied by the enormous stress with being recognized as the most hated columnist in Chicago. And not to go unnoticed, but the Tin Man costume is indeed the same color as Jay’s super shiny sports car.  On second thought, better nix this costume as well. Jay couldn’t possibly risk blending with the Fiat. Heaven forbid, that would make quite a lousy photograph for the Chicago Reader.

Next up is the Cowardly Lion. Now Jay does have a strong affinity for the rather nervous, sociophobic Panthera leo. Just ask members of the Chicago White Sox clubhouse for further testimony.  Or Halas Hall for that matter. Despite the striking parallel in this personality trait, it seems doubtful that Mariotti could survive an entire night with a messy uncoifed mane.

Finally we need to consider the Wicked Witch of the West and Oz himself. Jay assuredly enjoyed these characters immensely, identifying with a vengeful seeking wiccan and a vertically challenged tyrant obsessed with imposing his will over others. However, the required green cosmetics might cause skin chaffing and dryness, necessitating a rather painful chemical peel session, thus killing the notion to portray a broomstick riding demon. And really, how much fun would it be for Jay to hide behind a mirror the entire evening rather than the cozy confines of his closet?

Deductive logic concludes that the Dorothy costume for so many reasons is indeed the winner in this circumstance, especially after today’s rather head scratching, what the hell, labeling of Adrian Peterson as the “Human Hummer”.

Sorry Jay, but you brought that one on yourself.

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