If you wait him out long enough, after he has pulled on his True Religion jeans and Louis Vuitton knit cap and answered every possible how-does-it-feel question about being Superman, Devin Hester eventually exposes his secret. He’s arrogant.  As a God-fearing soul, of course, he is anything but conceited, but as an athlete who is blazing trails before our glazed eyes, he is driven by a raging demand to thrill the senses. - Jay Mariotti

Mariotti must be on a strict “word count” these days over at the Sun-Times. I’ve read Hallmark greeting card captions longer than this morning’s obsessive rant over Devin Hester. It seems that this latest “effort” was written in haste and utter disgust that the Broncos gave up a fourteen point lead. Guess that “Why I Hate Rex Grossman, Part XXX” column gets iced for at least another week, huh Jay?

It is not often that one reads about the intimate details of a football player’s fashion apparel. How close Jay actually had to approximate towards the rear end of Hester to read his jeans tag is anybody’s guess. However, one can only assume that Jay’s latest man crush must have thought that former teammate Tank Johnson was in attendance at the post game press conference and brought his pit bulls. No word yet from the other “house reporters” that the back page pundit also resorted to crotch sniffing in order to identify “Devin from heaven” as a mere mortal or deity.

And of course the comparison to Zeus himself was hyperbolized:

Anyone with functioning senses knows this was The Hesterizer’s masterpiece, the latest chapter in a fireworks display that has given Chicago its closest facsimile to Michael Jordan—right down to the No. 23—and provided the NFL with a blur of dominance much more fun and way cleaner than the run of Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots.

I’m pretty confident that Jordan’s universally accepted consideration of being the best basketball player of all-time along with six NBA titles still outweighs the performances to date of Devin Hester. And I am more than sure that the Patriots are more interested in maintaining their run at an undefeated season along with another Super Bowl title.

Seems that Jay’s interests lie more towards cool fashion labels and individual records over team accomplishments.

Perhaps it would be best for all concerned that Mariotti quits the sports columnist game for good and just play Madden football in the bunker. After all, Hester does have that ballyhooed 100% rating. And I’m sure that Mark Cuban would love nothing more than to play video games against the back page pundit while having a buddy to text message about hip fashion all day long.

Fire the F#cktard.

A special kudos to BigBadBill for helping brighten the Thanksgiving holiday to someone in need. Well done and I am proud to call you a friend.