Benedick: Then is courtesy a turncoat. But it is certain I am loved of all ladies, only you excepted: and I would I could find in my heart that I had not a hard heart; for, truly, I love none.

Beatrice: A dear happiness to women: they would else have been troubled with a pernicious suitor. I thank God and my cold blood, I am of your humour for that: I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me.

Benedick: God keep your ladyship still in that mind! so some gentleman or other shall ‘scape a predestinate scratched face.

Beatrice: Scratching could not make it worse, an ‘twere such a face as yours were.
- William Shakespeare - Much Ado About Nothing

It is not often that the electronic bird cage liner offered daily by Jay makes me think of Shakespeare, but he* is clearly channeling Beatrice today. Simply put, Jay has a problem with men. Especially those that talk like men.

Let’s face it, whether or not Brian Urlacher has anointed himself The Diva of the Defense or called Jay Cutler a naughty word in a private conversation, is irrelevant. Guys talk to other guys like that. Assuming that the comment was accurately portrayed by Bobby Wade on his radio interview, we still don’t know if it was in jest or in frustration or what. We do know that Mr. Wade has called to apologize and that Mr. Urlacher denies the comment vehemently.

So, clearly, what we have here is a great opportunity to write about Urlacher’s prior usages of the “P-word.” What? You thought he* might actually write something meaningful? I thought you knew better than that.

You see, it all comes down to the fact that Brian fathered a child out of wedlock with a woman who has had less than meaningful relationships with the truth. Therefore, Brian deserves to be damned for all time and his ashes scattered over a sewage plant upon his demise. Read this if you can.

But here’s why the comments of Wade, who said Urlacher took the shot when they were together in Las Vegas recently, might not be so far-fetched: Urlacher has made such references before—concerning his young son, no less. Reckless and immature in his 20s in the big city, Urlacher fathered an out-of-wedlock child with a former exotic dancer named Tyna Robertson. The custody and visitation battles became heated, and, at one point, Robertson made public a series of text messages allegedly sent by Urlacher about her parenting of a boy who then was 2. The content of the texts never has been denied by Urlacher and his legal team. And if you have a child or simply a warm heart, you’ll cringe upon reading the one about little Kennedy.

“You’re raising a little p***y,’’ Urlacher wrote her.

That wasn’t all he texted, according to court papers filed by Robertson in 2007. She said he called her “a hooker’’ and “jealous bitch.’’ He ordered her to “grow the [bleep] up and quit praying and get a job.’’ He called her “a [bleeping] fruit cake who should “make one of your pimps drive you around.’’ As a topper, he allegedly told her, “Go to hell, you [bleeping bleep],’’ the second bleep being a particularly vicious word.

Now, go back and tell me what any of that has to do with Bobby Wade, Brian Urlacher or Jay Cutler? All it is, when you read it, is a chance for a tiny, disturbed, man* to use references to the word “pussy” in a national forum. And use it he* does. He* is like a 5 year old who has learned his first naughty word and, though it is devoid of meaning to said 5 year old, that word will be heard loud, long and often.

As any parent can tell you, while those utterances will be soundly discouraged, they often provide some great ice breakers at parties, such as “And then our little angel said to the priest, YOU’RE A BIG ....” Ah, the joys of parenthood.

Anyway, back to the point here, such as it is. Did Brian Urlacher say a naughty thing about the Bears new golden child? Maybe. I don’t know and neither do you. Certainly Jay is clueless (his* favorite movie this week).

If Urlacher did is it a problem? Probably not. Steve McMichaels, while at a private party at the Union Nightclub back in the 80’s, once called me a series of words that are not suitable for family viewing and then bought me a beer ten minutes later. And that was just because I said something nice about Jim Harbaugh. Imagine our conversation had I actually offended him.

In other words, he* wrote an entire column* about nothing. And, he* got paid for it. If there is any solace in all of this it is this; since Jay left the Sun Times, readership has gone up. Since he* joined AOL, readership has gone down. Coincidence? I think not.

Our very own blogger, myturn, has started a thread so CLICK HERE TO QUOTE THE BARD!