If you are going to be a manly man living in Jay Mariotti’s MANLY MAN world, then you need to know what manly men do and think. What they do is collect rabbits feet and good luck candles to ward off hexes and jinxes. What they think is clearly rooted in the mysticism movements of 1396. There are signs and portents galore that need to be encompassed in a very narrow world view.

Then, no matter the truth, you point out that the spirits are real and talking to you .... and only you.

After Hawk Harrelson jinxed the young man by babbling, “Call your family, call your friends, Gavin Floyd is three outs from a no-hitter,” well, you’ll never guess what happened.

Minnesota’s Joe Mauer broke it up, cleanly, with one out in the ninth.

Yes, there should have been a period after “no-hitter” but let’s focus on the important stuff here. The only way Floyd could have known what Hawk said was if he was wearing one of those radios that play TV frequencies in his ear while pitching. Clearly he wasn’t. Also, since Floyd can read, he is perfectly capable of knowing what was going on simply by seeing all those neat zeroes in the box score. Even if he is completely illiterate, all the pitching staff was glued to the fence of the pen, the team was on the rail of the dugout, and so on. In other words, there were clues. Not subtle, but clues nevertheless.

But now, as a manly man wannabe, you need to learn some ground rules.

It’s just as well. Ozzie Guillen didn’t deserve to be bailed out by a classy, polite kid with hair combed across his forehead, low on his brow. It isn’t news, of course, that Guillen is the clown doofus of sports, a disgrace to a city, a franchise, intelligent humanity and those of us who must chronicle his arrested-adolescent b.s. to the point of ad nauseum. I’m just wondering how he’s still employed. If this was bad standup comedy, I’d understand why a trashy nightclub might hire him to humor drunks for $5.50 an hour.

There it is, all you need to learn in one rambling incoherent paragraph. First, note that Floyd is the “polite kid” and not a man in his mid-20’s who cares for his family, has worked his way up through the major leagues and was traded from the city he loved. Nope, he’s just a “kid.” And a well groomed one at that. See, grooming is VERY important if you are going to be a manly man in Mariotti’s little fiefdom. You must also note that the minimum wage is for suckers based on what Mariotti thinks people get paid for not being him*.

But, to make your point, you must note that there is a sad alternative to the glorious life of manly manhood. And it is epitomized by Ozzie Guillen. Because Ozzie is not a manly man by Mariotti’s reckoning. Ozzie’s a (EEEEEK!) guy. As far removed as can be from the metrosexual coiffe that sips raspberry martinis (“Half the vodka, please, I have tickets for Cats”) while pontificating on the revolting status of the proletariat, Ozzie is more likely to hand you a beer and tell you a fart joke. On the plus side, my guess is that it will be a very funny fart joke.

Ozzie Guillen, more than any other manager of recent vintage, is a classic Chicago guy. Not a poof. Not a prima donna. Not a sycophantic scum-ball with delusions of grandeur. Just a guy. The kind of guy every Chicago guy knows well. We drink with his ilk gladly. We work with his kind daily. He knows what goes on a hot dog and what beer goes best with pork rinds. The bonus for all of us guys in the audience is that he is a winner. We can cheer him, guilt free, while we laugh at the boyish antics of his team.

Jay the Joke’s favorite 4:20 fan, The Chronek, has already started a thread, so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!