For the first time in my life, that famous quote from Dave Wannstedt has an actual, real world, use. Bonus? It has nothing to do with the Bears. There is no way I could write about Chicago’s pro football franchise on a nice day like today. It isn’t fair to our faithful readers to force them to chug Draino to get that horrid taste out of their minds.

Instead, I am going to take a look at the two baseball teams that grace our fair metropolis. Since the Cubs have finally added their last piece of the puzzle by signing Xavier Nady III to a one year deal, and he passed the physical well enough to make the team, we’ll start there. ANDREW McCALVY of MLB.com has the 411.

The Cubs’ newest outfielder underwent an all-day physical exam at Chicago’s Northwestern Memorial Hospital on Thursday in which doctors paid particular attention to his twice-surgically-repaired right elbow. Nady, 31, is not quite seven months removed from his second Tommy John reconstruction, and Cubs general manager Jim Hendry conceded that there remains a chance that Nady will be limited somewhat defensively at the start of the season.

That didn’t stop the club from committing to a deal that, according to The Associated Press, guarantees Nady $3.3 million and has $2.05 million more available in incentives for games played.

Hendry expects Nady to be on the Cubs’ Opening Day roster even if he remains under throwing restrictions at that time.

“First and foremost, he’s going to be paid to knock in runs,” Hendry said in a conference call that included Nady and agent Scott Boras. “We’ll see how the throwing program goes in the next two months and if ‘X’ is limited throwing at the full-throttle level on April 1, we’re not going to tax him.

“But we’re certainly counting on the bat as he grows into more and more playing time as his arm gets stronger. There’s no way to predict when that throwing will be 90 percent or 100 percent, but he’s on the path.”

Hendry referred to Nady as an “everyday, legitimate five-hole hitter,” but Nady would have to displace another Cubs outfielder to land that role. For now, the Cubs projected starters from left to right field are Alfonso Soriano, Marlon Byrd and Kosuke Fukudome.

A right-field pairing with Fukudome, a left-handed hitter, could be particularly productive. Fukudome has a .798 on-base plus slugging percentage against right-handed pitchers in his brief tenure in the Major Leagues, 112 points higher than his OPS against lefties, and he has hit 20 of his 21 home runs against righties. Nady has a career .854 OPS against left-handed pitchers, 85 points higher than his mark against righties.

Health, Nady said, will help dictate his role with the Cubs.

“The arm’s been doing well,” he said. “It’s progressing each week, and I’ll continue to do my throwing program for the next two and a half months. When the season rolls around, we’ll have to take a look at everything to see where I’m at. ...

“I’m coming in to compete for an everyday job, and that’s the way my mindset has to be. That’s how I’ve always done it.”

Useless trivia section; Xavier is the first Cubs player ever to have a name that begins with X. Make of that what you will.

Nevertheless, the two Chicago teams are embarking on very clearly defined philosophies. The Cubs are going to be built around hitting and some pitching. Actually, with Lilly on the mend, they are going to spend that first month of the season almost totally reliant on hitting. It could make for some fun, high scoring games. If you draw the Cubs or their opponents in your 13 run pool you stand a better chance of winning than most others. At least in April. Maybe the first week of May as well.

On the South Side, they are looking to try something a little different. This year’s model is built entirely around pitching, defense and speed. As Ozzie said in 2005, “We only have to score one more run than the other guys.” It seemed to work okay for him then so I am left to wonder why they didn’t get back to this sooner? Oh well, this is probably not the team you want to draw in the 13 run pool. Even so, the man the Sox hope epitomizes this ‘run like hell’ offense, Juan Pierre, has finally selected his uniform number. Yes, kids, he is our new “One Dog.” SCOTT MERKIN, also from MLB.com, tells the story better than I would so I’ll turn the page over to him for a minute.

His name is Lance Johnson.

But to White Sox fans, he simply is known as “One Dog.”

Ken “Hawk” Harrelson, the team’s venerable and popular television play-by-play announcer, bestowed that nickname upon the man who proudly wore jersey No. 1 from 1988-95 on the South Side of Chicago and also spent plenty of time at the top of the White Sox lineup. That number will be featured during the 2010 campaign on the back of Juan Pierre, the latest to climb to the first spot of the White Sox attack.

Pierre has worn jersey No. 9 in the past, but with that number retired by the White Sox in honor of Minnie Minoso, he had to look elsewhere. So, Pierre decided to pay tribute to Johnson, who has directly helped Pierre get to the point of Major League leadoff success where he presently finds himself.

Both Pierre and Johnson attended the University of South Alabama, and Johnson often returned to work out with the collegiate team. Johnson, in turn, became a mentor to Pierre.

“You have to realize I actually trained Juan and gave him the road map to the big leagues. I taught him my inner-most secrets,” said Johnson with a smile, speaking during his SoxFest appearance last weekend. “I’m excited to see he’s here and wearing my number.”

“He always preached being a leadoff hitter, not a leadoff man,” said Pierre, sharing words of wisdom at SoxFest from the 5-11, 160-pound Johnson, who regularly used a 35-ounce or 40-ounce bat. “You are not up there just trying to walk, but you should try to do damage. He took his walks, but he made his point clear about being a leadoff hitter, getting on base anyway you can and hitting the ball hard.”

Over his 14 big league seasons, the left-handed-hitting Johnson drew a mere 352 walks but also struck out just 384 times in 5,800 plate appearances. In Pierre’s 10 seasons, the left-handed hitter has 340 walks and 337 strikeouts in 6,064 plate appearances.

See a pattern forming? Johnson finished with a .334 on-base percentage and 327 stolen bases in 432 attempts, while Pierre enters 2010 with a .348 on-base percentage and 459 stolen bases in 614 attempts. Not exactly prototypical on-base numbers for a No. 1 hitter, but Johnson and Pierre know how to jump-start an offense and not only set up the hitters behind them but also set up the opposing starting pitchers.

The leadoff hitter’s craft was explained by Johnson.

“There’s more to it than getting on base,” Johnson said. “You have to be so disruptive that the pitcher will end up hanging pitches to your meat hitters. I would make them worry about me so they are hanging pitches and Frank [Thomas] could bang them out. There were a lot of three-run homers when I was on base, because they were worried about me.

“Not only that, you have to be able to keep your power hitters hot, too. With Frank, OK, when he was struggling, he loves me to death because guess what? I was stealing second and third and then he would come up and get out and still get an RBI. It would help him get hot with the free RBIs.

“When you have a leadoff man taking care of you all the time, he should hit over .300,” Johnson said. “The leadoff men, they don’t get paid like the big guys, but it’s all good. That’s your job.”

Who knew there was actually a description of what a lead off hitter was supposed to do? Oh, okay, I did, but it was nice of him to say it all anyway for the benefit of everyone else.

Anyway, both teams seem to have the pieces their respective managers wanted, so it will be up to the players now to make them look like the geniuses we all know they are.

Quick update here; big ups to the Bulls who won their fifth in a row last night by beating the Hornets 108-106 in overtime on the road and, this just in.... Jay Cutler has turned down the Bears request to be interviewed for the vacant OC position. Rumor has it that he does not want his reputation tarnished by the starting quarterback. Thanks to Tyrone for that gem.

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