Given the power of his achievement, it’s paramount to all Americana, of course, that Phelps be free of steroids. He was asked a question that was timely, fair and, when you think about it, vitally necessary: How is it possible to dominate your sport in these cheating times without using performance-enhancing drugs? How can you assure the American people that you are real when Marion Jones, Justin Gatlin, Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and so many others were not? We want to think he’s a freak of nature. We want to think it’s about hard work and weight training. We want to laud participation in the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency’s ``Project Believe’’ program, in which premier athletes are tested at least 100 times yearly to prove they’re on the up and up. Is that being foolish? Or should we shelve our cynicism and let Phelps into our souls as a true American hero? - Penis Eating Dwarf

Before we explore the back page filth, let’s address what really matters.

Congratulations Michael Phelps. You accomplished an athletic endeavor without precedence. Your name will now be synonymous with the Olympic rings for eternity.

Email us your address. Of course we need to take a community vote, but your work in the Olympics might just have earned you a Jay the Joke t-shirt!

Seemingly, such sentiment is not satisfactory for Jay Mariotti. After boring his readers with redundant Phelps hysteria for the past few weeks, the hateful dwarf has already begun the process of casting unnecessary suspicion upon the athlete. Mainly, Jay not so subtly suggests Phelps cheated by using steroids.

Typical Jay. Build up an icon. And then proceed to tear him down.

Hey Cooke, does that really sell newspapers?

Of course, should Michael Phelps for whatever reason, fail a drug test today, tomorrow or 50 years from now, Mariotti will hail this as the end of the United States.  After all, the tiny enemy of People’s Republic of China, is somehow convinced that Michael Phelps’ record breaking performance at the Olympics has erased Americans’ concerns over the economy. More specifically, the price of gas. Admittedly, I do bitch and moan about paying in the neighborhood of $4.00 per gallon. And this morning, I still do. Sorry Mike. Maybe 9 gold medals would’ve done the trick for a curmudgeon like myself.

By the way, Jay:

Netherlands - $6.48
Norway - 6.27
Italy - $5.96
Denmark - $5.93
Belgium - $5.91
Sweden - $5.80
United Kingdom - $5.79
Germany - $5.57
France - $5.54

In other words, we could have it worse. If only Michael Phelps could win a gold medal in every Olympic event. Perhaps world peace could be achieved with Venzeula’s consumer friendly $0.12/gallon going global.

It seems that Beijing’s smog (or “mist” if one actually listens to Rogge) has infected Jay’s brain. Tragically, the pissant’s past experiences seem to be intermingled with the Michael Phelps’ life story:

And he thought back to a grade-school English teacher who humiliated him. ``She said I’d never be successful,’’ he said. ``Things like that, I think back to. That’s why, when I saw my family, I started crying, my mother started crying and my sisters started crying.’’

No Jay, that was you. Not Michael Phelps. And it explains a hell of a lot.

By the way, it was probably stupid errors (see below) that led to such an honest evaluation of your.... uhhhh.... literacy brilliance:

Oh, it’s as real as the eight gold meals hanging regally around his neck. And I speak for America in thanking Phelps for letting us dream with him.

Eight gold meals?

Well of course, that should really read medals. Perhaps, Jay had penis cuisine on the mind.

Again.

And Jay, do us another small favor? Stop “speaking for America”.  Remember, this is the land of the “Neanderthals”. After all, us Chicago simpletons really do enjoy supporting the Cubs, White Sox and Bears.  Interesting that Jay seems hell bent on ridiculing the sports that predominate his back page prattling.  Two weeks of watching men in speedos writhe in water does not make one more sophisticated over a football fan. Did Michael Cooke promise Mariotti to become the Sun-Times full time year round Olympic news correspondent? 

Good luck to the US men’s basketball team. Now that Phelps is over and out with his swimming events, Kobe and gang get to inherit the scribbling stalker.

And Jay would love nothing more than to volunteer to witness Bryant provide a urine sample for drug testing.

Join our message board for further discussion on Jay’s dream of Phelps wearing rings of penises around his neck. And of course, do not forget to cast your vote on whether the swimmer deserves our official t-shirt.