Thick McRunfast took some time out of his busy morning to review today’s one handed typed ode to a wet, scantily clad, manly man who joined the pantheon of manly men, Michael “Squishy” Phelps. So, without further ado, read on;
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Thank God Michael Phelps won eight gold medals. Now all of us Americans can stop worrying about gas prices and finally believe in heroes again.

Err...wait. Gas prices are still high, and they’re not the only cause of worry in the United States. And well, Michael Phelps winning 8 gold medals isn’t something that inspires hero worship in me. It’s good enough for Jay though, and we get quite the queer article about Phelps. And by queer I mean odd (and also gay):

There he is, the audacious dreamer who dared to think big while smaller thinkers laughed at him, a dolphin daring to fulfill his promise in a futuristic pool far from home. There he is, Michael Phelps, not only the greatest of all Olympians but arguably the most dominant figure ever in sporting-kind.

Yes, how audacious for an athlete to want to be the best in his sport. Especially with everyone laughing at him. He’s like a dolphin, whatever the hell dolphins have to do with promises. And for ****’s sake, it’s not like there was a crowd full of people booing him.

Oh, it’s as real as the eight gold meals hanging regally around his neck. And I speak for America in thanking Phelps for letting us dream with him.

Jay’s right here. Michael Phelps, thanks for helping me fulfill my dream of watching someone else win eight gold medals.

Because you see, Michael Phelps is clearly, without question, the greatest Olympic athlete ever. Carl Lewis? Garbage. Jesse Owens? Overrated. Nadia Comaneci? Hack. Mark Spitz? Loser. No, Michael Phelps is on a whole other plane of existence, with Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, and Babe Ruth. Hell, nobody else is better than Phelps. Even though you can’t really compare from sport to sport, but hey, why let that stop the dwarf in crafting a love ode to Michael Phelps.

Michael Phelps never even came close to losing. Except those two times that he came close to losing. And he sure didn’t shoot himself in the foot in the 400m free relay, only to be saved by his teammates. No, Michael Phelps is perfect in every possible way.

And get this: He text messages people. Isn’t that super cool? It’s cool to talk about text messaging right? It’s this kind of insight about Phelps that really defines Mariotti as the premier journalist of our generation (really need a sarcasm smiley).

Oh, but there is a dark cloud on the horizon: steroids. Despite the fact that Phelps has never tested positive, is voluntarily tested, and that nearly nobody is suggesting he’s on steroids, well, that’s no reason not to imply steroid use.

See, steroids would be bad, because of how Phelps is a hero to all, including those “Neanderthal men normally can’t be pried from baseball and preseason football.” You know, those sports that Mariotti spends about an hour a week covering, despite it being his job.

Now, I’m glad Phelps won the 8 golds. It’s historic. But he did not look invincible in the pool. I really feel bad for him, now that Mariotti has him in his sights. Anyway we can warn Phelps before the dwarf unleashes his adoration upon Phelps?
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Thanks, Thick. The rest of you need to towel off and then CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!