“I....I....I.....I....I....I....I....I....I....I....I....I....I....I....I....I....I....I...I....I.....I....I....I....I....I....I
....I....I....I....I....I....I....I....I....I...I....I.....I....I....I....I....I....I....I....I....I....I....I....I....I....I....I” - Jay Mariotti

In case you haven’t heard yet, the Cubs lost yesterday against the Brewers.

And Jay Mariotti couldn’t be happier.

Giddy with joy, Jay predictably banged out the obligatory rip job against closer Kerry Wood along with the usual rah-rah insinuations of Lou Piniella ‘s senility and ill temper. And yes, in order to complete the triple decker fecal ladened sandwich (also known as the Jaywitch), Soriano was roasted.

It is obvious these days that Mariotti is quite comfortable with his delusional fantasy that he is all knowing and wise on every matter relating to Cubdom. In the past 24 hours, the dwarf has determined who should be the next owner of the Cubs (while concocting a Jerry Reinsdorf conspiracy in the process), the starting pitching rotation, proper etiquette of Cubdom, the responsibilities of the bullpen, the batting order and basically taken every liberty possible to second guess Piniella after the fact.

What makes Jay so brilliant? Perhaps it was because he once watched Steve Trachsel pitch a 45 minute inning. Or maybe the revelation of his own baseball genius struck like a lightening bolt after sneaking a peak at Ozzie Guillen’s privates in the showers? Who knows? Some mysteries may never be solved and in all likelihood this one is best left well alone without further review.

No different than the geeky kid that always sat in the front row, frantically waving a hand at an inquiring teacher with an incessant “ask me, me, me, me”, Jay makes sure that everyone with the ill fortune to read the back page is painfully aware that he “knew it all along” after yesterday’s loss.

Check this out:

I realize Cubdom is rooting for him more than a late-innings beer vendor.

Here Jay not so subtly bashes the fans as being equal parts idiotic for showing Kerry Wood support when trying to nail down a save along with the contemptuous attitude that those in attendance are incorrigible drunks.

I understand he’s an inspirational presence, having survived 11 disabled-list trips and coming within a day of retiring last year.

This is where Wikipedia really comes in handy to provide that type of stat to help “fill out” the column*. Interesting how Mariotti claims that Wood was “within a day” of calling it a career. Too bad that such a rather eye opening remark cannot be supported by any actual facts or testimonial evidence from those that know the pitcher. Evidently, Kerry Wood doesn’t have a Blackberry to receive inquisitive text messages from Jay.

Believe me when I say it’s no fun breaking down Wood’s troubles.

Oh now be honest with yourself Jay, this is an absolute delight for you to chronicle the failings of the 2008 Cubs. When the team wins, the back page is littered with Tiger Woods’ musings. And when it loses? De-lish!

I’d suggest that Eric Gagne, after a ragged start, now has nine saves for the Brew Crew.

A real head scratcher here, folks. How does one exactly suggest a statistic? Gagne either does (correct) or doesn’t (incorrect) have nine saves.  Perhaps Jay is letting us all know that he now also is in control of baseball statistics.

Funny. This little nugget of Jay’s wisdom helped me recall this classic exchange between the vice principal and Ferris Bueller’s doting mother.

[On the phone]
Ed Rooney: Are you also aware, Mrs. Bueller, that Ferris does not have what we consider to be an exemplary attendance record?
Katie Bueller: I don’t understand.
Ed Rooney: He has missed an unacceptable number of school days. In the opinion of this educator, Ferris is not taking his academic growth seriously. Now I’ve spent my morning examining his records. If Ferris thinks that he can just coast through this month and still graduate, he is sorely mistaken. I have no reservations whatsoever about holding him back another year.
Katie Bueller: This is all news to me.
Ed Rooney: It usually is. So far this semester he has been absent nine times.
Katie Bueller: Nine times?
Ed Rooney: Nine times.
Katie Bueller: I don’t remember him being sick nine times.
Ed Rooney: That’s probably because he wasn’t sick. He was skipping school. Wake up and smell the coffee, Mrs. Bueller. It’s a fool’s paradise. He is just leading you down the primrose path.
Katie Bueller: I can’t believe it.
Ed Rooney: I’ve got it right here in front of me. He has missed nine days…
[His computer screen begins counting down from nine to two. Ferris is at home looking at the same screen]
Ferris: I asked for a car, I got a computer. How’s that for being born under a bad sign?

Hey, I get it now. Jay is channeling Matthew Broderick. Memo to Gagne, better inquire that MLB heighten security over that stat database. Otherwise, it might drop from nine to two.

I won’t forget that wet afternoon, winding through the North Side back streets. By now, I figured, he’d have 160 wins and a path to the Hall of Fame.

It has been awhile since the back page provided meteorology commentary. Jay must have scanned the draft at this stage and noticed that the word quota was nearing. Otherwise, most assuredly we would’ve been treated to a little more of that famous Jay memory recall of how he felt so safe and sound in the friendly confines of his bunker away from the inhospitable Wrigley environment when Wood pitched his masterpiece.

I would make the switch to Marmol now, but one man’s alarm is another’s patience.

Tsk, tsk Jay. This has been your signature calling card on the 2008 Cubs since spring training. A few assumptions are noted here. First, Jay implies he is a man. A tremendously bold albeit dubious claim there. Second, Mariotti is alarmed. Now that isn’t really news. After all, this is a “crisis” secondary only to the “Soriano crisis” which could only pale to the “Zell crisis” that just happens to be almost as super duper important as the “Bartman crisis” but not nearly as crucial as the “Billy goat crisis”.

Jay, it is time for you to pop another Paxil. Some Midol wouldn’t hurt either.

And don’t forget the last baseball season that you were so worked up over a local ball club’s terrible decisions and poor play.

They just happened to win the World Series.