Should four days of inactivity constitute an AMBER Alert for Jay Mariotti? Surely the below alert along with the suggested photograph should be appearing on milk cartons asap:

Missing since Saturday, May 3, 2008. Last seen on ESPN’s Around the Horn. Physical Description: 4’8’’, 245 lb. Shatner turbo-deluxe hair piece and no discernable eye color. Frequently exhibits nervous facial expressions and prone to irrational temper tantrum like behavior. Craves attention. May be traveling with a vinyl companion. If encountered, approach with extreme caution. Immediately contact 555-WHO-CARES.

Whatever the deal, Jay the Joke is proud to help fill the void left behind the vacated Sun-Times back page with this exclusive “lost” column* from the very much real and in no way, shape or form a satirical parody of the near daily ramblings of a dwarf.

Blizzard of Oz can now add vinyl abuser to resume

May 6, 2008

TRAPPED IN THE BUNKER, IL - Ozzie Guillen is an insane idiot.

And not only is the Blizzard of Oz crazy but he is also mean. Very mean. As in Lindsay Lohan evil from Mean Girls. Yes folks, that mean. And oh did I mention that he is also an idiot who once called me a fag?

Chairman of the Board Jerry Reinsdorf is an old man and equally mean. After all, Reinsdorf hates me as well and permits the Oz to continue acting like baseball’s official buffoon while playing the role as Chicago’s celebrated local town idiot (move over Woo Woo).

So I ask His White Sux Excellency when is enough simply enough? Why the double standard of cruelly refusing Mark Cuban to purchase the North Shore loony bin better known as Lee Elia hating Cubdom out of fear that the maverick will disrupt the geriatric Depends wearing owners’ club while hypocritically permitting Guillen to say and do whatever he wants?

Already this week, the Mouth has insulted the few dozen remaining cannot get over 2005 loyal White Sox fans while slurring the media for God forbid, doing their house reporting chores with a follow up act of permitting his clubhouse to become a card carrying members of his sick chamber of vinyl whores.  Price of admission? Sacrificing one’s wood to the baseball gods of course. All this lunacy already this week and it is only Tuesday.

When approached by someone other than me of course, the Blizzard ranted:

{copy&paste without credit}"I’m not going to make the players apologize,” Guillen said. “I don’t think that was a big deal. It’s our house. I don’t think we did anything wrong and I don’t think we did anything to make people upset. We did something to have fun and stay loose.{/copy&paste without credit}

Yes, yes of course. It is YOUR house. And YOU must protect it. At all costs. The Mouth continues:

{copy&paste without credit}"Those dolls don’t work. ... Hopefully we come up with something better. We don’t need dolls, we need hits.’’ Guillen went on to say: “Everyone in the clubhouse, 100 percent of the people in the clubhouse, they are 18 years old and that’s a private thing. If the players do it in the dugout so everyone in the public could see it, or did it in the hotel lobby ... we did it in the clubhouse. A lot of worse things happen in the clubhouse. I don’t really know why people are making it a big deal. If people got their feelings hurt because of that ... they don’t really know much about baseball.” {/copy&paste without credit}

A lot of things do happen in Ozzie’s clubhouse. I’ve been there once. And I’ll never be back. I don’t understand how waving one man’s privates at another shows a higher understanding about baseball any more than wasting good wood on vinyl dolls. 

Apparently to the wild imagination of the Blizzard, understanding baseball means slurring another man just doing his job and calling it the way it is. And calling Maglio Ordonez a “bleeping Venezuelan”. Well in that case Mouth, you are indeed a La Russa-clone genius minus all the wins of course.

Those baseball gods were evidently not appeased by this hateful symbolic ritual. The Black Sox afterwards lost again as Vasquez could not provide the shutout pitching required while the bats remained ineffectively impotent.

White Sox official blogger sympathizer and co-conspirator against real journalism* Scott Reifert of course defended the clubhouse immature antics with this feeble excuse:

{copy&paste without credit}In terms of taste I think people would find it tasteless. They were just trying to get the bats going.  I quit trying to apply logic to things in baseball. Players have burned bats, kissed bats, slept with their bats, blessed their bats, you name it. I wouldn’t ascribe much more to it than this - they were trying to get our bats warmed up."{copy&paste without credit}

Yo Scott, pay attention here. While Your Excellency is paranoid over every little sentence I write, he should’ve been on top of Kenny like lube on vinyl to acquire another bat to this putrid lineup.

This team doesn’t need to appease Vinyl Ben look-a-likes. What it needed was a Big Skirt. Lost opportunity once again.

If fate dictates that Oz should be allowed to contaminate the Sux dugout with his vulgarity and sadistic rituals for the entire season, I suggest that he focus on attempting to at least resemble a professional baseball manager and keep both his zippers shut.

Leave the vinyl blow up dolls to the experts.

Such as me.

*JTJ extends props to Joe Cowley for braving going where Jay is afraid to venture by reporting on this harrowing clubhouse activity. Read here for more on his scoop.